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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

349 replies

hannag · 14/05/2021 10:48

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

OP posts:
CaraherEIL · 14/05/2021 16:53

OP you haven’t just caused drama- you had planned a lovely surprise you felt frustrated and disappointed when you found out he had booked extra work for that time.Anyone would have been frustrated and disappointed there is nothing wrong with that.
You then found it difficult to get over that upset during the rest of the phone call so it coloured the rest of the conversation.
He got more and more frustrated because he couldn’t fix it.
I think you feel exposed and vulnerable rather than you have behaved badly. You haven’t been cool and chilled and low key about having your lovely surprise weekend taken away. That is ok, but if he struggles with emotional communication then he might not know how best to sort things out.

Karwomannghia · 14/05/2021 16:56

It won’t be all over! Just come clean about the surprise and apologise. He doesn’t know you’ve been worrying like mad. Say of course you’d like to see him on the Friday and that could be a way of putting your mind at rest.

BlueVelvetStars · 14/05/2021 16:59

Be honest..

you'd arranged a surprise, he wasn't to know this, how could he. But if you say nothing, you just sound unreasonable. So tell him.

Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 17:01

Sorry I don’t think I was clear I did tell him in the call about the surprise. I said I could move it. I was upset about not seeing him more than the surprise itself.

This has been a huge alarm bell for me. I need to have hold of my anxiety. I hope I’ve not destroyed my relationship in the process

OP posts:
SionnachGlic · 14/05/2021 17:02

You need to wotk on your self esteem & wean yourself away from your phone attachment & waiting for replies. So you'll be obsessing about him replying to a text (if you send one)? But you are obsessing already all day... Text the man, apologise for sounding whiny last night ...explain you had a surprise booked & so you were v disappointed altho totally accept that it is not his fault at all. Tell him you'd like to see him on the Friday (or whatever day it was). Don't give him the back catalogue of why you behaved like that...just that it was immature (which it was) & you are sorry. If you don't have the balls to step up, make contact & apologise your risk of losi g him is greater in my opinion that if you just sit agonising silently & do nothing. At least you'll have tried & it could be fine. If not...then it is you who sabotaged a good thing & didn't try to repair it. Text him. Sat sorry. Stop obsessing.

KurtWilde · 14/05/2021 17:04

The thing is, when someone is clearly very work orientated like your DP - and you say he's trying to climb the ladder - it's a big risk booking surprises without knowing beforehand if he'll be free. He had no idea you'd expected him to be available and it's was quite assumptive of you tbh.

Yet here you are on MN and you've gone from 'usually so independent' to suddenly developing attachment and abandonment issues! When what you should be doing is eating a bit of humble pie, apologising and explaining why you were so upset. Instead you're expecting him to reach out to you as usual so you can avoid a conversation about your behaviour and slip in a casual sorry at best.

If I was him I'd be having a good hard think about the relationship today, because if you're unable to communicate with him and don't seem to trust that he's interested, then it doesn't bode well.

booboo24 · 14/05/2021 17:12

Aaargh you sound like me, so much so that I want to shake you!!!! PLEASE MESSAGE HIM AND APOLOGISE!! If you don't and this causes the relationship to end you will be kicking yourself. Swallow your pride, at least this way you'll know you've done all you can to salvage it

BlueVelvetStars · 14/05/2021 17:16

@hannag

Sorry I don’t think I was clear I did tell him in the call about the surprise. I said I could move it. I was upset about not seeing him more than the surprise itself.

This has been a huge alarm bell for me. I need to have hold of my anxiety. I hope I’ve not destroyed my relationship in the process

Aww Im sorry OP I hasn't picked that bit up 🌸

Bluntness100 · 14/05/2021 17:21

I’m honestly sure I have read this before. And I don’t understand how it has went from I never behave like this to I’m in therapy and habe an attachment disorder and always do this.

KurtWilde · 14/05/2021 17:22

@Bluntness100

I’m honestly sure I have read this before. And I don’t understand how it has went from I never behave like this to I’m in therapy and habe an attachment disorder and always do this.
I thought the same
Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 17:24

@Bluntness100 I’ve never reacted like this with him. I have had these feelings very regularly.

No I haven’t posted before on this.

OP posts:
Chattycatty · 14/05/2021 17:33

It's 5:30 just apologise you were out of order if you leave it much longer it becomes more of a big deal. If he had behaved in such a way would you contact him first, from the sounds of it that would be a no. If you don't do it you look like a person who can't admit and apologise when they are in the wrong. Abandon issues or not say you are bloody sorry.

myfuckingfreezer · 14/05/2021 17:42

Op have you apologised yet? If I were him I'd be getting more and more annoyed that you haven't. The longer you wait the worse it will be

TolkiensFallow · 14/05/2021 17:46

You are playing games.
You know you were out of order and now you’re waiting to see what he does instead of owning it to him. You’ve been honest to the internet but you haven’t even text an apology.
How the fuck is he meant to know how to act?

SunshineCake · 14/05/2021 17:48

I would text and apologise for moaning. You were disappointed as you'd planned a weekend away and it just got to you. You are sorry and you'd love to see him for dinner in X night.

notapizzaeater · 14/05/2021 17:51

[quote hannag]@CaraherEIL I think that’s all true. I’m a bit scared to contact him as I wonder now if he’s rather not hear from me. I came across very clingy last night and contacting now seems like I will reinforce that image of me in his mind[/quote]
Just a quick text is all you need to send apologising - no drama - puts the ball back in his court.

CharlotteRose90 · 14/05/2021 17:52

If you don’t message it’s over. You need to text him not just leave it. Honestly I know it feels like the worlds over and you want to wait for him to say it’s over leave me alone etc. It might not be done just apologise and speak to him. You clearly like each other.

pictish · 14/05/2021 17:52

You seem very keen to dance the correct steps for him OP. Does he dance for you?

nolovelost · 14/05/2021 18:00

Just text him!

Homer68 · 14/05/2021 18:01

For heaven's sake stop keep posting on here the same things over and over again. Just text him ! This is getting boring now. Are you secretly enjoying this ?

Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 18:02

I’ve come up with a proper message now which apologies for being whiny and says I was being unfair to him. I’ve then gone on to say I understand he has a lot on and hope he has some time to relax tonight etc.

I’m annoyed with myself because if I was calmer and more rational in the moment then I would have grounds to say hold on what about us in x scenario. Going around behaving like a child just loses all my credibility. So I need to start from scratch, alologise, be nice, back off a bit. And not lose myself again like I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 18:03

@Homer68 bit unkind? I didn’t ask you to read and post!!

OP posts:
Original poster
hannag · 14/05/2021 18:03

@Homer68 and I can assure you that no, I am not enjoying it

OP posts:
Homer68 · 14/05/2021 18:05

I am sorry but why is it unkind ? You are going over and over about the same things. Multiple people are giving you the same advice and you are ignoring them. Keep posring on here that you think you've ruined everything is not helping anything ! Its harsh but true.

Homer68 · 14/05/2021 18:06

Just text him please !