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Relationships

feeling distraught, have i ruined my relationship?

349 replies

hannag · 14/05/2021 10:48

I’m so upset and not thinking straight. I’m mid 30s so should know better.

Been dating someone exclusively since autumn last year. I am totally in love and happy.

I had made some plans over bank holiday without telling him (it was a surprise night away) and he told me last night that we couldn’t see each other that weekend as he had signed up to do extra shifts at work...not for the money (he’s nearly at the top of his career ladder and very senior) but because he’s trying to move up to the most senior job role soon and wants to make a good impression over the next few months.

Added to this he is working away for a week after bank holiday, which was why I had planned the night away as I knew we’d have some time apart after that.

Anyway, instead of being mature and understanding, instead of being supportive when he’s exhausted most days with work, I was whiny and stroppy and said it feels like you don’t care much about this, it feels like you don’t want to see me etc etc. He said he would come over the Friday evening before bank holiday for a quick dinner and then he’d go home so he was up early for work. Instead of saying that would be nice, I said no don’t worry you’re really busy...I tried to mean it, I wanted to mean it but really I was being a dick wasn’t I?? He said ok if that’s what I was happy with and we could try and do a weeknight the following week.

I said maybe and that I didn’t think he was that bothered. He said he wanted to see me, he missed me, but I don’t seem to accept that. He then said he needed to go off the phone as it was late (1am). I said ok and we said goodnight.

Usually he texts after a call or following morning. Unsurprisingly he’s not.

I’ve fucked it all up haven’t I. I’m usually so independent and happy but I just felt crushed when he said about bank holiday. Not even his fault it’s not even like I told him I had made a plan!!

There’s no way back now is there?? I’m now seen as a needy whiny pathetic person. I’m so upset and cross with myself. Im a mess and it’s so unlike me to behave like that. I don’t want to contact him as I would rather know if he’s written us off.

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hannag · 14/05/2021 16:20

@Cactuslove

This is all really dramatic.

Basically you just text and say 'wow I what a whiner I was last night- sorry about that- but at least you know I miss you! Anyway how's your day been?'. Just something a bit jokey and lighthearted- and something else he can respond to so it doesn't become a conversation about the stupid drama last night.

@Cactuslove yes I could do that. That’s probably better than some formal long apology.
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youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 16:21

OP be honest - are you someone who tends to thrive on drama?

I think that's part of why you are behaving the way you are - you're pushing him for the reaction you want and when you don't get it you keep on and on about it instead of being proactive.

For example, you're making a big song and dance about texting him and what that means and what the fallout could be etc. In reality, you were a bit of a dick to him, you should text to say 'sorry about last night, it was unfair of me to react like that. Love you hope you had a good day'. Non dramatic and mature.

I get the sense that instead, you would send a dramatic text expecting a dramatic reaction and you are getting something out of that emotionally,

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Cas112 · 14/05/2021 16:21

[quote hannag]@Etinox I think this is why I am in two minds...I do wish I hadn’t been so bloody pathetic and whiny but the sentiment was that I missed him and just wanted to see him.

For my own self respect and sanity I don’t want to ever get myself into that state again. I am wary of bringing it up not because I think HE should make the effort and not me but because I don’t want to open up a big discussion or delve into it all again when really I was just being miserable (and unattractive in the process!) about not seeing him.

I do wonder if keeping my mouth shut and if he gets in touch being very nice and understanding is a better approach. I just don’t know. I don’t want to lose him and I feel so annoyed at myself for this but can’t help thinking if I contact him about it then it is like an extension of the drama.[/quote]
You sound very high maintenance. I hope he doesn't get in touch for his own sake. If he's not already though then your bratty selfish attitude may have already done the job.

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MrsSchrute · 14/05/2021 16:22

[quote hannag]@Cloudfrost your post made me laugh...yes I am being more awful today I expect. I’m not sure I have behaved this way before...it’s definitely been in me to do that as I overthink things so perhaps I have. To clarify, the only thing holding me back contacting him now is that I don’t want him to think I’ve been sitting here obsessing all day...I think that might make him think oh god not more drama? I would prefer him to have had some space and feel that I’m not as desperate as I came across last night and I don’t expect constant attention? I’m confused about what to do really.[/quote]
You are massively overthinking this. Message him, apologise. Job done!

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Cloudfrost · 14/05/2021 16:23

U still don't get it op. The onus is on you to contact him and apologise. By not contacting him you are basically saying you are still in the mood with him. You turned him down when he wanted to make plans to see you. You were passive aggressive, and clingy. So why the heck would he want to contact you until he is sure you are not gonna be like it again.

Your inability to own up and apologise makes me think, he deserves to be treated better by someone else...

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hannag · 14/05/2021 16:25

@Dogoodfeelgood thanks. I definitely have anxious attachment. I have been in therapy and had this come up over and over.

I’m reading a couple of books on it now. The irony! I don’t want to be this way. I hate it.

What I don’t understand is that for me, it’s not about the time I don’t spend with him (or anyone I’m dating)...I could quite happily have four weeks to myself and know that time would be filled with things and friends and work and interests of my own. I’m not scared of time alone. I’m scared of losing him. And unfortunately that manifests in wanting to see him as much as possible...despite the fact that in reality, I am quite happy on my own and having a weekend off. I don’t know if that even makes sense to anyone else? If I knew the relationship was secure and I could press pause and have a weekend to myself, I would take that option regularly! But the reality is I feel this pressure to always monitor the relationship and look after it...which actually has the opposite effect in the end as it is tiring for me and horrible for the other person.

I don’t even know if that makes sense to anyone else but it’s the best way I can describe it.

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Cactuslove · 14/05/2021 16:25

@hannag please send it and then you will be able to relax because I have no doubt he will text back and all will be well.

I hope you don't mind me saying but the obsessing over this today reminds me of what I was like at the height of anxiety and OCD. Like it sounds as if you have lost a lot a time today thinking around in circles, then coming on here and still going round in circles, catastrophising- it must have been exhausting. Anyhow if the above resonates with you I would definitely see the GP and consider some cbt of you haven't already.

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Bluntness100 · 14/05/2021 16:26

Op have you posted this before?

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ZeldaPrincessOfHyrule · 14/05/2021 16:26

You still sound a bit like you're making this his fault for being the way his is, despite loving him for the way he is. That would put my head in a spin if I was him, I wouldn't be initiating a conversation today either. The onus is on you to apologise or even just to reopen the dialogue between you. You've made everything all about you and how you feel. I'm not sure why it's relevant that he may be 'on the spectrum', you're just different people: you sound like you do spontaneous and he does careful planning. That's fine, unless you want him to change, which wouldn't be fine. Being different in your approaches is good, if you were both spontaneous and drama-fuelled it would be a very different relationship dynamic.

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Flugbusters4444 · 14/05/2021 16:27

You are becoming your own worst enemy here! Just text him!

Not messaging because you'd be too worried about what he would say is very immature. As pp have said, apologise. Explain your behaviour. If he wants to be with you still, then great. Of he doesn't, well then you can learn from this for next time.

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therearenogoodusernamesleft · 14/05/2021 16:27

Good grief, you've spent a whole day stewing over this and working yourself up.

You were a dick last night, and you know you were.

The normal thing to do would be to apologise as soon as you realised this.

The call was left in a weird place because of how you acted, so now it's your responsibility to reach out and fix it.

I can almost guarantee that all he will be thinking today is 'I can't believe she hasn't contacted me.'

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hannag · 14/05/2021 16:28

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes maybe? I’m not sure? I think what I get out of it is attention from him which I equate to confirmation he is still bothered. It makes me so sad I behave like this. When I am on form and ok I am actually a pretty good girlfriend. I just massively fuck up when I have the slightest hint of feeling insecure. I hate it so much, I let myself down.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 16:31

[quote hannag]@youvegottenminuteslynn yes maybe? I’m not sure? I think what I get out of it is attention from him which I equate to confirmation he is still bothered. It makes me so sad I behave like this. When I am on form and ok I am actually a pretty good girlfriend. I just massively fuck up when I have the slightest hint of feeling insecure. I hate it so much, I let myself down.[/quote]
I thought so.

I think you would seriously benefit from counselling.

At the moment you are behaving a bit like children who feel unloved and so act out to get reassurance that their parents will still love them even if they are naughty. So any attention is good attention because attention = caring.

But with romantic partners, that constant pushing and testing and seeking reassurance leads to exhaustion, resentment and to be honest is a complete turn off.

You're projecting your need for a specific type of attention onto him and it's unfair.

You like your own time and don't mind being alone, but want to have the knowledge and security that if you suddenly wanted him with you he would jump up and make himself available. That's immature and unfair.

Counselling and a period of being single to get your head straight would be good for you IMO.

Drama isn't love. Love is solid and secure.

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hannag · 14/05/2021 16:31

@Cactuslove yes the day has been horrible. Sometimes if I haven’t had a text back from him I am unable to sleep. This is not specific to him and has been a theme in all my relationships. I have never ever told him this and I keep it fully to myself. But sometimes friends will say things casually like ‘oh me and Pete were meant to meet at 6 and I fell asleep!’ I know this sounds crazy but I genuinely would never ever feel so relaxed about a relationship that I would fall asleep mid texting back. I would worry I had messed up the relationship or caused an issue. I just mention this as it’s one of the things i have struggled with and reading these replies has made me really question myself and recognise I have some deep seated issues. It’s not fair on me or him to be like this is it.

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hannag · 14/05/2021 16:34

@youvegottenminuteslynn if someone said you’ve got two weeks alone (which actually happened a long time ago in lockdown), I wouldn’t feel worried or lonely. I have so much going on in my life.

So why do I have this fear when apart from him? It’s honestly like a panic that I am losing the relationship. And it doesn’t make sense because it’s just some time apart, I know that rationally. But it feels like abandonment, I feel physically scared and anxious. Then when we are apart, I am fine! I hate it so much. It is exhausting.

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Cactuslove · 14/05/2021 16:37

[quote hannag]@Cactuslove yes the day has been horrible. Sometimes if I haven’t had a text back from him I am unable to sleep. This is not specific to him and has been a theme in all my relationships. I have never ever told him this and I keep it fully to myself. But sometimes friends will say things casually like ‘oh me and Pete were meant to meet at 6 and I fell asleep!’ I know this sounds crazy but I genuinely would never ever feel so relaxed about a relationship that I would fall asleep mid texting back. I would worry I had messed up the relationship or caused an issue. I just mention this as it’s one of the things i have struggled with and reading these replies has made me really question myself and recognise I have some deep seated issues. It’s not fair on me or him to be like this is it.[/quote]
Well don't panic I was a hundred times worse! Like from date 1! My partner is great and the total opposite so my anxiety is never fed by him. I think when you feel securer in a relationship you will be able to relax more but you have to be honest with him about who you are. For example before the first date I remember saying how nervous I was and that I was nervous in a new environment so my partner waited inside the door and picked a table near the loos which made me feel a hundred times better. We have two kids now and after cbt and medication I'm completely different. But he knows all sides of me and is accepting.

I would definitely get help. But I don't think it's a bad thing for your partner to get a glimpse of your real self sometimes- you're not a robot!

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/05/2021 16:41

[quote hannag]@youvegottenminuteslynn if someone said you’ve got two weeks alone (which actually happened a long time ago in lockdown), I wouldn’t feel worried or lonely. I have so much going on in my life.

So why do I have this fear when apart from him? It’s honestly like a panic that I am losing the relationship. And it doesn’t make sense because it’s just some time apart, I know that rationally. But it feels like abandonment, I feel physically scared and anxious. Then when we are apart, I am fine! I hate it so much. It is exhausting.[/quote]
You have a fear of abandonment.

I don't know what your family history is like but when I was younger I felt similar to you in relationships.

Counselling, and in my case medication for bipolar, changed my life.

Once I did some hard work with a therapist and confronted my behaviour, owning up to the fact that I could be passive aggressive and manipulative in my quest for boyfriends to not leave me (even when they were horrible!) I was able to be happy being single, ready to date sensibly and securely.

Now I'm in a great relationship and honestly I didn't realise they could be like this. Calm, no panic, equals, on the same page and totally secure.

Are you willing to make some effort with things like counselling and maybe CBT to help you change your default behaviour?

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CaraherEIL · 14/05/2021 16:42

I think this odd undisclosed test that he has to pass is BS. You are hoping despite the fraught call last night where you made it clear you were pissed off with him that he will realise that you are interested in hearing from him today. Then if he phones you will slip in a casual apology.
I think that you feel you are in the right be be angry with him and your friend has bolstered you in that point of view which is fine. But this weird passive aggressive way of conflict resolution is bizarre and likely to backfire. I think you are not apologizing because you are having a stand off to see who contacts first, then if he shows he cares enough to contact you, then you will apologise. I would not let his behaviour dictate mine, if I behaved badly I would say so and apologise.

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HelloitsMsP · 14/05/2021 16:43

I don't want to seem harsh here, but it seems to me then rather than contact your DP and apologies you would rather breakup with him.
If I knew I had made a mistake, I would ring and apologies, I may mention any reasons but not use them as excuses. I would not post it on mumsnet, speak to a friend, and wait for him to ring up first.
Its Ludacris to me that you think you can get away with behaviour that you agreed was bad, without making any amnends.
I don't know if this relationship will work in the long run but I have no doubt that this attitude will spoil any future relationships you have.

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hannag · 14/05/2021 16:44

@youvegottenminuteslynn I never felt secure as a child, very suspicious of my parents and always felt the worst would happen. I’ve got better over time and generally I can keep hold of my emotions. But not always.

I am in therapy at the moment. I will try cbt, thank you.

This was by far the best relationship I’ve ever had. I am so angry with myself for causing drama.

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hannag · 14/05/2021 16:47

@CaraherEIL I think that’s all true. I’m a bit scared to contact him as I wonder now if he’s rather not hear from me. I came across very clingy last night and contacting now seems like I will reinforce that image of me in his mind

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Cleverpolly3 · 14/05/2021 16:50

If you can’t contact him to apologise for being the way you were then you have no future with him or anyone else.

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Cleverpolly3 · 14/05/2021 16:51

You also need to do something that’s right without wondering what if anything will come of it

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bangheadhere40 · 14/05/2021 16:52

I think just message him saying sorry...the longer you leave it the worse it will be

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Anotheruser02 · 14/05/2021 16:52

[quote hannag]@Dogoodfeelgood thanks. I definitely have anxious attachment. I have been in therapy and had this come up over and over.

I’m reading a couple of books on it now. The irony! I don’t want to be this way. I hate it.

What I don’t understand is that for me, it’s not about the time I don’t spend with him (or anyone I’m dating)...I could quite happily have four weeks to myself and know that time would be filled with things and friends and work and interests of my own. I’m not scared of time alone. I’m scared of losing him. And unfortunately that manifests in wanting to see him as much as possible...despite the fact that in reality, I am quite happy on my own and having a weekend off. I don’t know if that even makes sense to anyone else? If I knew the relationship was secure and I could press pause and have a weekend to myself, I would take that option regularly! But the reality is I feel this pressure to always monitor the relationship and look after it...which actually has the opposite effect in the end as it is tiring for me and horrible for the other person.

I don’t even know if that makes sense to anyone else but it’s the best way I can describe it.[/quote]
Oh wow I feel like you are me.
When I'm single I feel like I'm okay, I'm pretty busy I love my friends, I'm confident, I can occupy myself easily and I never ever get lonely.
When I love someone I'm so lonely, I see it as such a stressful thing that I might loose them. The last time someone broke up with me it was such a relief that I didn't have to worry anymore.

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