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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Made a mistake DH will be so mad can't sleep

139 replies

JuneBugHug · 12/05/2021 03:29

DH runs a business and as it's gotten bigger he's needed more and more help with it.

I've been trying to help as much as I can around my own work for the past couple of years and more so recently whilst I've been on maternity leave.

One of the things I do is give him all the orders from his website so he can go off and do them.

I've just found out following an email from a customer that 4 were missed and not given to him and so haven't been done.

I feel so sick, he's going to be so, so angry about it. I'd not long given birth at the time so I'd obviously just missed them and haven't checked for a while that they had been done.

He's so stressed with work at the moment and little things like this just tip him over. It's either going to mean extra rushed worked for him which will stress him out more or refunds.

I've messaged customers involved and apologised profusely for the oversight but I'm just waiting for DH to wake up and see the emails.

I can't sleep. Can anyone talk to me?

OP posts:

Littlebluebird123 · 12/05/2021 03:33

That sounds really tricky. But everyone makes mistakes. It was a genuine oversight on your part and you've already apologised.
I know it will be frustrating for him as it will be a rush to get it done or a refund, but that's how business goes sometimes.
If it's going to be such a problem that you are unable to sleep, I do need to ask if you're safe. Do you think he would be verbally or physically abusive?

MyOtherProfile · 12/05/2021 03:35

Has he ever made a mistake OP? I would tell him in the morning, apologise and explain how you have tried to rectify the situation. Let him come to terms with that but then absolutely don't accept him being furious with you. It was a genuine mistake and you have done what you can. It was not your fault. You had just had (presumably!) his child apart from anything else. There's a reason lots of women take several months mat leave.

MishMashMummy · 12/05/2021 03:36

Everyone makes mistakes OP, and it’s not fair for your husband to be angry at you about it. If he gets the financial benefit of you working for him, he has to accept that sometimes mistakes will be made and you’re still his wife first and foremost (and the mother of his baby).

Mistakes happen and few have truly dire consequences unless you’re something like a heart surgeon. For everything else, it’s really just money and that’s not worth crying over.

If your husband is a decent person he will understand and find a solution. If he is angry, shouty or aggressive then his behaviour is totally unacceptable and that’s a conversation for another day.

Try to get some sleep. Every single person in the world makes mistakes at their job sometimes and it’s almost never worth a night of lost sleep

Original poster

JuneBugHug · 12/05/2021 03:40

Thank you.

I think it's because I've just felt a bit out of it recently that I've not been on my game as much. And the fact that this is something I can't really fix myself, it requires him doing the hard work to sort it iyswim unless they want refunds instead.

He will be shouty yes. And he will likely threaten to stop 'paying me' too (he's been giving me a bit of money to top up SMP for what I do for the business).

I know it sounds bad.

I'm just hoping he won't see the emails and I can speak to the customers and sort it as much as I can myself first before speaking to him.

OP posts:

JustLyra · 12/05/2021 03:47

He will be shouty yes.

That’s completely unacceptable behaviour toward his wife. Is he often shouty?

And he will likely threaten to stop 'paying me' too (he's been giving me a bit of money to top up SMP for what I do for the business).

Sounds like he’s threatened that before. If he doesn’t want to pay you for your time then he can do the jobs himself.

I know it sounds bad.

It doesn’t sound bad. It is bad.

No-one should be awake and 3.30am panicking about their husbands reaction to a mistake, in particular a mistake made while helping him shortly after you gave birth.

Oswin · 12/05/2021 03:49

Your husband sounds like a nasty dickhead.
Cheeky prick. He had you working not long after having a baby. And thinks he can withhold pay.
OP I'm curious. What do you have to spend your money on? Is it just spending money? Or are you expected to pay Bills?

Original poster

JuneBugHug · 12/05/2021 03:50

What do you have to spend your money on? Is it just spending money? Or are you expected to pay Bills?

No most of it is bills although I do have some spending money too.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 12/05/2021 03:53

He is a bully. You have a long road ahead of you while you work that out. I had a very similar situation. It is hard having a husband who thinks they are your master.

MishMashMummy · 12/05/2021 03:58

That is bad, OP. I’ve made mistakes at my job and my boss has never shouted at me, and I’ve certainly never not been paid. His behaviour is not fair or reasonable, and is much worse than your mistake. He has no excuse for treating you that way.

No husband should ever behave in a way to his wife that has her awake all night worrying about his reaction.

memost · 12/05/2021 03:59

I work for my Dh too snd it can be difficult at times but even with every best intention and effort mistakes will still happen and when someone reacts by shouting it encourages secrecy which always makes mistakes much more impactful. In your situation I would start the conversation laying out the rules - ie shout at me and I will resign.

WatchingPaintWet · 12/05/2021 03:59

Jesus, OP, he has no business being 'shouty' with you for making a mistake in the work you do for him alongside your own separate job shortly after giving birth to his child(!)

And what do you mean he's "paying you" to top up your SMP? He's your husband and the father of your child, your expenses should be joint as a family. Are they?

I don't know why you were doing this role for him while you are on mat leave anyway, but be that as it may... You can apologise for the oversight and acknowledge that it's going to cause him some extra work but I wouldn't be prostrating myself. Remind him exactly what else you had going on at the time and if he is 'shouty', suggest that this shows you should not be doing this role while you're busy caring full time for your baby and decline to continue. If this is how he treats you, I'd suggest you tell him it's time he did this all by himself anyway. He wouldn't hang on to any other employee long of he treated them this way (and I don't expect he would - presumably he thinks it's OK to treat you worse than anyone else because you're his wife and the mother of his child...)

Oswin · 12/05/2021 03:59

Right so you are on a lot less money whole on leave for your joint child and he thinks it's fine to restrict your money even more. This is bad. Really bad. It's not normal to be this scared over a small mistake. Nor is it normal to have your wife working not long after birth then threaten to take money from her.

FuchMyLife · 12/05/2021 04:00

Have to agree with previous posters, this doesn't sound right.

He's being massively unfair AND taking advantage of

you too.

I'd worries wi

mainsfed · 12/05/2021 04:04

This is very worrying, OP.

Sounds like he is financially and emotionally abusing.

Do you really think you deserve to be shouted at or punished financially for not remembering to send him orders soon after having a baby?

Do you have family nearby?

MissMarplesGoddaughter · 12/05/2021 04:06

OP - what a horrible man....

Everyone makes mistakes. It was not intentional, you have done your best to put things right.

I was shocked to read that he 'tops up' your SMP and threatens to withdraw this top up. You know that's financial abuse and controlling behaviour don't you?

Original poster

JuneBugHug · 12/05/2021 04:10

In his mind the money just means I'll have to go back to work earlier, but he knows I don't want to do that.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 12/05/2021 04:10

I bet you already know that you are putting up with more than you should op.

JustLyra · 12/05/2021 04:11

@JuneBugHug

In his mind the money just means I'll have to go back to work earlier, but he knows I don't want to do that.

So he’s emotionally blackmailing you into accepting the way he shouts at you?

That’s not good.

Do you know that pregnancy, and shortly after, is the prime time for abusive behaviours to show?

BlueVelvetStars · 12/05/2021 04:12

You're putting up with being treated like shit.

Remaker · 12/05/2021 04:14

Goodness OP, it’s awful that you’re feeling so frightened at his reaction. Everyone makes mistakes, you shouldn’t be yelled at or threatened for them.

CwidlyDoo · 12/05/2021 04:15

Try not to think about it now OP and get some sleep. What's done is done and you have a baby to look after.

In the morning you tell him what's haopened and let him have a rant. Then tell him, you are doing him a favour as you have a full time role of being a new mum with all that entails including baby brain.

He needs to look after his business more including checking the orders himself. You can help out when you have time, but not all the time. So, go to sleeo noe and
stand your ground tomorrow.

Original poster

JuneBugHug · 12/05/2021 04:24

Thank you.

I know it sounds bad but I've deleted the emails now so he won't see them and I feel much better.

I'll speak to him when they come back to me with what they want.

OP posts:

coodawoodashooda · 12/05/2021 04:26

You shouldn't be punished for making a mistake. Op, I now drill into my children that people, mostly, don't need punished. They already feel awful. My xh used to punish me all of the time. I'm so, so lucky that he eventually became so nasty I had to get rid of him.

Longdistance · 12/05/2021 04:33

Well, if he does get shouty, tell him to employ someone else to do his dirty work. Go back to work and hand him the baby. ‘Good luck daddy!’

coffeerose · 12/05/2021 04:41

Bless you.
Are these orders high value?

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