Made a mistake DH will be so mad can't sleep

[JuneBugHug]

DH runs a business and as it's gotten bigger he's needed more and more help with it.

I've been trying to help as much as I can around my own work for the past couple of years and more so recently whilst I've been on maternity leave.

One of the things I do is give him all the orders from his website so he can go off and do them.

I've just found out following an email from a customer that 4 were missed and not given to him and so haven't been done.

I feel so sick, he's going to be so, so angry about it. I'd not long given birth at the time so I'd obviously just missed them and haven't checked for a while that they had been done.

He's so stressed with work at the moment and little things like this just tip him over. It's either going to mean extra rushed worked for him which will stress him out more or refunds.

I've messaged customers involved and apologised profusely for the oversight but I'm just waiting for DH to wake up and see the emails.

I can't sleep. Can anyone talk to me?

He sounds awful Op :(

If you're that scared of his reaction it speaks volumes about your relationship, he should appreciate your help especially as you're fitting it round a full time job. If it's not good enough he can always hire (and pay!) someone to assist him.

Poor dear you. Seriously, my heart goes out to you.

You and your husband run a family business. You do another full-time job (mothering) on top of this. He may not like to acknowledge these facts. Doesn’t change the facts.

He is going to have to choose to run by ‘family business’ rules, or accept he has a different model to contend with. It’s called something like ‘a business with paid employees that allows my partner to be a SAHP’. Many women these days run a business, and their male partners run the household and baby-raising. It’s a real thing.

It feels a lot like your partner is cherry-picking both the 1950’s and 2021 (having you ‘help out’ not calling it ‘paid work’, plus undervaluing your parenting role). He’s also enjoying this horrid privilege of being able to apparently come down on you like a tonne of bricks whenever he feels you aren’t ‘up to scratch’. Bollocks to that, Lady.

No employee, contractor or volunteer would stand for that nonsense, and he knows it. Now you know it too, from this thread.

Tell him he needs to decide what business model he’s running. Family, or not family-based. Either your contribution is recognised properly, or you are ‘excused’ and he runs it with humans he has to pay and be nice to. His choice.

2 things here

• why don’t you have access to family money? If you are a family so you need to have access to the money he brings in - do you?

• you sound scared of him. Running a business is stressful etc and everyone gets tetchy, but you shouldn’t be as fearful as this. Everyone makes mistakes and it’s understandable to be irritable, but not angry. I think you need to think about what’s not working for you in this situation, and how you want to change it.

I think if the business is doing well financially I'd suggest that he employs an admin assistant rather than letting you do anything extra. I wouldn't be inclined to help anyone who moaned at me for making a mistake when I'd recently given birth and was doing it almost as a favour. Let him pay someone else and then he might appreciate what you did and do for him a bit more.

It does sound like financial control.
My ex-husband once took my purse out of my bag and locked it away because I was buying clothes for the kids (toddlers at the time) without asking him first and he didn't feel they needed any more. He also said at that point that if I needed to eat there was a bit of food in the fridge so not to use that as an excuse to ask for my purse back.
My own mother still maintains to this day that I should hsve just done what he told me to do, but she honestly lives in the 1950's ffs!

Think the onky mistake here is you marrying such an awful man.

Would love to see him manage a newborn and run a house and help run a business.

You should not be scared of your husband's reaction- that is not a balanced relationship.
Nor should you be expected to be working 100pct when you have just given birth. There are laws in UK about working too soon after giving birth to protect new mothers.

A friend had her baby 2 days before me (how we met). She was gorgeous, funny and from another country/language and had been a model.
Within days of giving birth her husband expected her to be doing the books for their (successful) business, the ordering, managing the staff, while he did the fun bits. He also was upset that 2 weeks on she had not got her model figure back.
She was too lovely to see what an arse he was.
4 years later she left him. Business failed. She is massively happier. He is still an arse.

If he starts kicking off and it sounds like he will, just tell him that your innocent mistake pales into comparison compared to the one you made marrying him.

No one has the right in a partnership to treat the other person like a child. Shouting at them when they make mistakes, giving out punishments when they do something “wrong”. I’ve been in a couple of relationships in my life where men have acted this way and I’ve said to them “you’re my partner not my dad”. Yes it’s one thing if it’s something really major like cheating or gambling away all the savings, major life changing stuff. But not for a mistake that can be fixed, even if it does mean he may need to do some extra work. He can be annoyed about that but it’s not ok to then take that out on you.

If he gets “shouty” then walk away, say “we’ll discuss it when you’ve calmed down”. If you’re scared to do that, or he won’t let you do that, I do think you need to have a serious think about whether you want this to be your life.

I feel so sick, he's going to be so, so angry about it. I'd not long given birth at the time so I'd obviously just missed them and haven't checked for a while that they had been done

Sounds like a bit of a dick frankly. If he wants free help from someone who has just given birth his business model doesn't sound very robust.

Why doesn't he employ a business/sales manager to handle orders and customers? Is this one of those businesses that makes very little actual money when you account for all the free and cheap work done by seconded family members?

he isnt coming across well. Just tell him matter of factly and apologise. Its done now. if he kicks off tell him you're stepping back so he had better employ someone!

@JuneBugHug

I have read them. I just don't know what to say.

Do you think that perhaps a part of you posted here to get the responses you did? To check to see whether his behaviour is normal and/or acceptable? And now that you've seen that it is neither normal or acceptable, you're having to confront something that you weren't entirely ready to face?

So you have a newborn.
You have been working in his business.
He occasionally gives you some money, which you mostly use to pay bills. I understand he does not share the rest of the money?
You are laying awake because he will kick off and shout - for a couple of hundred quid, when the business is doing well.

Your DH is an abusive arse.

He will be shouty yes.

If you worked in an Office, you would not accept your boss shouting at you. And I suspect if your DH had an employee that wasn't his wife, he would not shout at them. Why is it okay to shout at you then?

And he will likely threaten to stop 'paying me' too (he's been giving me a bit of money to top up SMP for what I do for the business)

Wow. You should have FULL access to all the money. The only reason you're on SMP is because HE impregnated you. You have BOTH made a baby, so why should his pay stay the same, but yours goes down? Financial abuse.

OP do you feel fairly paid for the work that you do?

Maybe you should go back to work, tell him he as to give up his business to look after the baby, then when you get your wages, don't give him any money, but ask him to pay some of the bills from his non existent salary. How does that work for him? Because that's what he's asking of you. Can't you see how wrong this is? You should be operating as a Team. All money shared.

You are only earning less, because you are caring for his baby

I think you need to bite the bullet and tell him what happened. And then use his reaction to inform your next move. (Like leaving).

Sorry op but if he employed somebody, paid a a stranger to do this job then do you honestly believe that he would shout at them? Threaten to withhold wages?

No.

He would NOT.

He does this to you because he can. Because you are his wife and as such he is entitled to neither you and issue threats and fear of his reaction is enough for you to not be able to sleep. Poor you. But your poor poor child, being raised in a house where one parent has such a as s as keyed power balance is incredibly damaging and can result in personality disorders and then becoming victims or abusers themselves.

I would be horrified if either an employee or my partner was so worried about a genuine mistake they couldn't sleep. You're focussing on the wrong problem here. The issue isn't that you made a mistake, it's that your husband just does not sound very nice. Perhaps you need to get another job in an environment that doesn't keep you awake at night. I hope it goes better than you expect today

OP do you feel fairly paid for the work that you do?

She shouldn't have to do ANY work for his business, she should have full access to ALL money, absolutely all of it.

Where do these men get off, getting their wives pregnant, meaning that the wife can't work for a time, but not realising that they, the father must therefore be the sole breadwinner for a while, sharing all funds with the woman they impregnated.

Imagine a man bring 4 puppies home and pleads with his wife to give up her job to look after them whilst he still worked....wife does this and then husband asks wife to pay half the bills. Erm how, you made me quit my job to care for your puppies, so I don't have a salary remember?

My ex had me helping him with his business paperwork for his private medical practice in my "spare time" with a full time job of my own.

Later, while I was on maternity leave with baby brain fog & mild postnatal depression, I made several mistakes & he was really nasty about it.

I just stopped doing it, said I wasn't actually a secretary & he'd have to find a proper one, which he did after a few weeks of having to do it himself

I feel like crying for you. This is not right.

Going back to work may be a very good plan so you can have financial independence. Long term you could go part-time and get a benefit top up, if you make the decision to leave.

Leaving with a baby is always easier on the child than when they’re older.

Please also make sure you don’t get pregnant again- he will want to keep you vulnerable.

Who do you have to confide in?

He will be shouty yes. And he will likely threaten to stop 'paying me' too (he's been giving me a bit of money to top up SMP for what I do for the business).

That's not a bit bad OP that's VERY bad. He does not take it for granted that he should support you financially when you are on maternity leave raising his child? Instead he is making you work for him as well to pay the bills? And on top of making you work when you should be resting as much as possible and taking care of yourself and your baby, he is shouting at you when you make a mistake? That's awful.

I am very sorry but he is a wrong'un.

Why are you putting up with this?