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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Made a mistake DH will be so mad can't sleep

139 replies

JuneBugHug · 12/05/2021 03:29

DH runs a business and as it's gotten bigger he's needed more and more help with it.

I've been trying to help as much as I can around my own work for the past couple of years and more so recently whilst I've been on maternity leave.

One of the things I do is give him all the orders from his website so he can go off and do them.

I've just found out following an email from a customer that 4 were missed and not given to him and so haven't been done.

I feel so sick, he's going to be so, so angry about it. I'd not long given birth at the time so I'd obviously just missed them and haven't checked for a while that they had been done.

He's so stressed with work at the moment and little things like this just tip him over. It's either going to mean extra rushed worked for him which will stress him out more or refunds.

I've messaged customers involved and apologised profusely for the oversight but I'm just waiting for DH to wake up and see the emails.

I can't sleep. Can anyone talk to me?

OP posts:
OnTheHuntForAHome · 12/05/2021 09:14

Imagine not being able to sleep because you're scared of your husband, you're in an abusive relationship quite frankly and I'd suggest you make plans to leave him. He sounds awful. Poor you and your poor children.

Summerfun54321 · 12/05/2021 09:16

So you haven’t been given mat leave from this job and your boss threatens to withhold your wage. And this cruel boss is actually your husband who verbally abuses you as well. So much wrong here OP Flowers

ravenmum · 12/05/2021 09:17

He's so stressed with work at the moment and little things like this just tip him over. It's either going to mean extra rushed worked for him which will stress him out more or refunds.
So he's had to give other refunds recently? You'd have mentioned it if this was your fault, so presumably the other refunds were his fault - and you are not the only one struggling to manage his business?

Your husband is the one who has made the mistake of not hiring a suitable team to cope with the current level of work his business has. Why has he not hired someone new? Does he not understand the concept of putting money into the company to improve it?
In any case, as a result, he is so stressed that your home life is suffering. You've just had a baby and it should be a quiet time of getting to know your new family member - and instead you are being poorly paid to fit in his crap on top of your actual work, while he shouts at you. You should be complaining to him about this.

Dasher789 · 12/05/2021 09:17

Mistakes happen OP - everyone makes them and you were going through a stressful period.

You shouldn't have to hide your error our of fear. @CheaperByTheHalfDozen advice is good. Is it possible you can speak to an aid service?

WaspRelatedEmergency · 12/05/2021 09:17

I feel awful for you. He shouldn't shout at you, that is completely unacceptable.
The 'stop paying you' stuff is so patronising. Give him a bill for all the childcare, cooking and cleaning that you do.

TokyoSushi · 12/05/2021 09:24

Not RTFT but this is awful OP. Your DH sounds awful, controlling, and perhaps abusive.

I made a mistake recently regarding some work that we were having done on the house. It cost £500 to fix and DH's response was 'never mind, these things happen, we'll sort it.' Because these things do happen and if anybody should cut you a little slack, it should be your husband.

If this is a one-off and you're not messing up the business every 2 minutes then his response/potential response is completely unreasonable. The thing that's really concerning from your post is how afraid you are of what he's going to say/do. I'd honestly consider whether you do any work for him at all in the future, or if you even want to remain in the relationship.

lottiegarbanzo · 12/05/2021 09:24

He needs to employ more staff.

You need to go out to work for someone else.

Then you'll have a real income and real choices.

Never feel sorry for someone who has power over you.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 12/05/2021 09:25

You don’t know what to say?

About people's reaction to what you told us.
Is it because you are so used to your husbands world view of his behaviour that an outside view is quite shocking?
At best I think that your husband has got so wrapped up in his business performance he's forgotten that shouting and being angry with you when mistakes are made is unacceptable and also the fact that you have just had a baby makes mistakes much more likely.
If he can't see that then you have bigger problems.

Couchbettato · 12/05/2021 09:31

OP let me tell you about how my husband was shouty and angry. Just shouty and angry. Until he wasn't and he had his hands round my neck.

He is abusive. Why are you waiting for it to get worse? Don't be like me.

BobLemon · 12/05/2021 09:48

Please look up Economic Abuse, OP Flowers

Colourmeclear · 12/05/2021 09:51

This situation is awful but I'll guess he's just as abusive outside of work. You are in a strange situation where perhaps it feels like he should have authority over you which perhaps you don't associate with respect so there is a part of you that rationalises his abuse as proportionate and rational (it isn't). You should be equals. It reminds me of situations in my life and I very much related to a TV program where the character broke an ornament, so set her house on fire as she knew he husband would be cross with her when he found out. That level of fear shouldn't exist in a relationship. It will destroy you eventually.

Mummytemping · 12/05/2021 09:58

He has an obligation to support his wife whilst she is on maternity leave caring for his baby. That shouldn't be dependent on your doing work for him. That's a really sad set up.

He also sounds very volatile and not kind in a crisis. I lived with that as a child, it's horrible.

Make medium term plans to leave him please. It doesn't need to be right now whilst you are at your most vulnerable, it could be next year but work towards it.

LalalalalalaLand123 · 12/05/2021 10:03

OP, none of this is good - your DH shouldn't be shouty at you if you made a mistake soon after giving birth for goodness sake! Nor should he be doling out small amounts of money to you, you should have equal access to family money. And nor should these small amounts he doles out to you be dependent on you working for him! The whole set-up sounds appalling, like you're some kind of servant who looks after the DC and works in the business but don't get to share in its success equally, plus he gets aggressive towards you if you make any mistakes . Honestly OP, I can't see any good in this relationship if it continues like this.

ScatteredMama82 · 12/05/2021 10:10

This is terrible! You are scared of your husband, that's not on. OP, I once borrowed my DH's brand new car. He'd had it less than a week and it was beautiful. I made an arse of turning round in our drive and scraped it really badly. It cost hundreds to repair. I told him straight away and he just shrugged and said 'oh well, these things happen'. I felt terrible about it, but I certainly wasn't scared to tell him. If I was, there would be something very wrong with our relationship.

Pantsomime · 12/05/2021 10:15

OP you are frightened of your husband- he will know it yet continues in his behaviour- all kinds of wrong. Once these orders have blown over you need to get some counselling on your own and speak openly about your whole relationship so you can understand it and decide how to deal with him & if you want to stay together- your baby will be shouted at/ grow up with shouting

Killahangilion · 12/05/2021 10:16

OP, your relationship with your H isn’t a healthy one.
No man should be shouting at you full stop and to be terrified of his reaction to a genuine mistake and having to delete emails to cover your errors, is not the right way to deal with this. You are hiding the truth from yourself.

Please listen to what the majority of posters are telling you. This is abuse and you need real life support.

Start by phoning Womens Aid and listen to their advice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2021 10:18

Please take heed of what the other respondents have written here; your H is not a kind man nor the man you actually thought he was. This is who he is and he indeed acts like this because he can. He really does think he is doing nothing wrong here with regards to you. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none and he has crossed that line with you.

Counselling for you alone would be a good idea to further gather your thoughts.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/05/2021 10:19

If you visit Boots in town and ask for ANI, their branches have consultation rooms in which access can be gained to services like Womens Aid.

Annasgirl · 12/05/2021 10:22

@WildfirePonie

Stop working for him, a simple mistake should not cause you this much stress.

Write your resignation and send it to him.

You need to find a job so you aren't financially dependant on him.

@WildfirePonie - she is on maternity leave FROM HER OTHER JOB
Annasgirl · 12/05/2021 10:23

@lottiegarbanzo

He needs to employ more staff.

You need to go out to work for someone else.

Then you'll have a real income and real choices.

Never feel sorry for someone who has power over you.

@lottiegarbanzo

Dear God, RTFT - OP is on MATERNITY LEAVE from HER OTHER JOB

lottiegarbanzo · 12/05/2021 10:28

Well that's good then @Annasgirl She can return to work for someone else, which will help.

Surely cause for happiness for OP, rather than performative snarkiness towards people offering her support?

Peanutbutterandbananatoastie · 12/05/2021 10:29

Does your husband pay bills op? If a few hundred pounds doesn’t make much difference to him why on earth are you paying bills with your smp and bit of money he gives you?

Have you worked how much he’s giving you per hour you work?

Why did he expect you to keep working for him a few days after you’d given birth? Surely a week or two off would’ve been a good idea? No wonder there were mistakes.

Why are you so scared of his reaction?

MMMarmite · 12/05/2021 10:37

I'm very worried that your husband shouts at you. That is verbal abuse. It's not okay.

tootiredtospeak · 12/05/2021 10:56

I wouldn't brush it under the carpet you will just feel stressed and anxious until he finds out. I think you need to tell him email him if you cant face it and tell him you were scared to talk to him face to face as he has been so unkind and whilst you accept he is stressed if he spoke to an actual colleague or employee like this they wouldn't work for him anymore.
Or and this is honestly what I would do is tell him you dont owe his business anything you have your own job and wont be helping him a minute longer if he raises his voice again to fuck his money and start thinking about how he is going to pay maintenance when you leave him as that's where its headed. You should not have to feel like this.

TakeYourFinalPosition · 12/05/2021 11:02

@JuneBugHug How much of this is 3:30am catastrophizing, and how much feels the same in the cold light of day?

I run a business and my husband works with me. He can drive me mad at times - I love him to pieces but sometimes the stress is unbearable, and I'd probably be a little irritated if he had lost orders that then took my time, but I wouldn't shout and I wouldn't threaten not to pay him.

I'd read your posts here again. If you feel that it's an accurate representation of your marriage, I think it needs some work, and you should listen to what most people here have said.

If it's been influenced by lack of sleep and panic in the middle of the night, I hope it feels better this morning. I'm an excellent midnight catastrophizer!