Made a mistake DH will be so mad can't sleep

[JuneBugHug]

DH runs a business and as it's gotten bigger he's needed more and more help with it.

I've been trying to help as much as I can around my own work for the past couple of years and more so recently whilst I've been on maternity leave.

One of the things I do is give him all the orders from his website so he can go off and do them.

I've just found out following an email from a customer that 4 were missed and not given to him and so haven't been done.

I feel so sick, he's going to be so, so angry about it. I'd not long given birth at the time so I'd obviously just missed them and haven't checked for a while that they had been done.

He's so stressed with work at the moment and little things like this just tip him over. It's either going to mean extra rushed worked for him which will stress him out more or refunds.

I've messaged customers involved and apologised profusely for the oversight but I'm just waiting for DH to wake up and see the emails.

I can't sleep. Can anyone talk to me?

What sort of dh and father thinks his dw should 'go back to work if she wants money' when you have a baby?
And don't be frightened of him.
Get assertive. He wouldn't shout at anyone else. Do not accept verbal and financial abuse.
Raise your bar.

You poor thing. There’s a reason women have maternity leave, and it’s absolutely unrelated to being a slave for a nasty husband. How much does he pay you per hour roughly? I’m betting peanuts. I think you’d be better off saying fine leave me penniless, I’m not doing your work anymore.
And I know you don’t want to go back to work but having an independent job sounds like a good place to be when your husband is a nasty bully.

You made a mistake, these things happen. The important thing is working out what measures the two of you can put in place so the same mistake doesn't happen again. The obvious thing to look at is how the orders are recorded on the website, and how you pass the details to him - does it generate an order number for you? There are probably ways that you can change the process so it's a lot more difficult for stuff to get missed.

Remind him that you looking after his child facilitates him working. Alternatively, would he like to cover the childcare while you work? How dare he ever shout at you. My dad used to shout at me all the time when I was growing up, and shouted at my mum regularly..... still does. It’s disgusting behaviour. I hope you’re ok

It’s a mistake. Human error. Unless he is taking orders to perform organ transplants or other life-saving procedures it’s not a problem. Did anyone die? No. Relax.

I wouldn’t have deleted the emails though. They should have been kept in case of further complaints from the individuals of credit card chargebacks or something.

If you can’t tell your husband you made a human error and he can’t accept that you’ve made a human error then you have a much bigger problem than a few missing orders.

No-one should be awake and 3.30am panicking about their husbands reaction to a mistake, in particular a mistake made while helping him shortly after you gave birth.
This^^ He sounds an absolute bully. Why are you still with him?

I think the dynamic of your relationship is a lot more to worry about than this.

Why would you need to delete the e-mails? Won't this make it worse?

Everyone makes mistakes OP.

It's not fair of him to expect you to do all of that after you've not long had a baby. It's hard enough to function normally for the first few months without having to do extra work on top. Everybody makes mistakes sometimes.

You've just had a baby.

You aren't doing paid work. You are a family and it's family money and you shouldnt be doing little jobs for the business to top up your money whilst on maternity.

If he needs an assistant he has to employ one properly. Not hold his wife to ransom whilst she's caring full time for his child so he can have his business.

Christ on a bike, if he was your employer you'd hand your notice in PDQ. Or report him to hr for bullying.

OP people make mistakes all the time. This is not a big problem at all. You've done the right thing by updating and apologising to the customers. End of.

I find it worrying and sad that you are losing sleep over this because you can predict he's going to get mad, shout at you and also threaten to not pay you. This all sounds like abuse to me. Please look into this deeper and see it for what it is.

I totally get why you don’t want to go back to work, but don’t be tempted not to return and work for the business. Keep your own financial independence. There was a thread on here recently where a dm was being coercively and financially abused, leaving was made extra hard by her being tied to the family business.

He may be stressed, but him taking it out in you to the point you will hide mistakes from him in fear of his reaction is not good. Let alone mistakes that were made shortly after giving birth, when the brain is basically baby mush.

Tell the twat you're already doing two jobs. Looking after a child and being his admin assistant.
Then suggest you do go back to work early, them you won't be a financial burden on him. Ask him what he proposes for childcare at that point.
Don't talk about baby brain though. That will give him another stick to beat you with and it sounds like he's got plenty of those already.

Shouting at someone is never a good way to do business. It achieves nothing. On the odd occasion I’ve made a mistake at work I openly tell my boss about it, I say “look I’m really sorry I’ve missed XYZ but here is what I’ve done to put it right and I’ve put this new process in place now so that I won’t miss such things again in future” etc. She has never shouted at me. She normally actually says thank you for spotting it and sorting it out. My boss has certainly made her own mistakes over the years - we’re all human. No one is perfect 100% of the time. It’s how you fix the mistake that’s the key, and it sounds like you have done everything you can to assist the client now you’ve spotted the mistake, so you have done really well.

Deleting the evidence isn’t necessarily the best idea. My policy is always to keep things out in the open - so it’s clear what you’ve done to rectify this situation.

Would he shout at another employee or is it just you he rages at? I’d be looking to get my own job, away from his company, ASAP. I don’t think the dynamic of boss / employee is helpful in a marriage. Keep work and home life separate.

You don’t have to put up with being shouted at, or being scared of being shouted at. It’s controlling behaviour. Think long and hard about what you are getting out of this situation, because it sounds pretty dire.

I hope you managed some sleep.

You can't live like this.

You’ve deleted emails!!! Get another job!

OP read all your posts and try to see how awful they sound. He would ask for money back for a mistake? Money he would then use on the same bills anyway

He sounds horrible

He sounds financially abusive

This is no way to live

Get out

Family business blurs the lines between roles and relationships, sometimes at massive emotional cost.

Having seen the effects in dh’s family I refuse, point blank to work for his company. I can always be relied on to help out, and do, but dh and I are very clear that I am his dw not his employee.

Early in our relationship I made a mistake (not work related) and fully expected a bollocking and probably a period of silent treatment. He did neither. He calmly rectified the problem. I was stunned because nothing in my life history of relationships had prepared me for that reaction. I genuinely didn’t know it was possible not to get angry and shouty. My respect for dh grew exponentially, and also my self respect and it changed the standards of my own behaviour too. My dh should not have shouted at his dw, for a sleep-deprived, baby-brain error but it took him not shouting for me to wake up and realise my own worth.

I’m so sorry for you that while you’re worrying about a confrontation with your boss, you don’t have a dh to cuddle and talk to. He won’t be waiting to hear how it went. Simmering revenge plots silently in his head!!

It’s sad that your dh is exploiting his dw after childbirth, and controlling you financially because you both could be doing the exact same work with you helping him out to build his business and your family’s financial security together. The two situations look identical but are chasms apart.

I hope you’re ok and you’ve managed to get some sleep.

@SunIsComing

You’ve deleted emails!!! Get another job!

It’s not her job though, is it? She’s been helping her husband out with his job.

OP don’t accept him shouting at you over this. Explain the error, how you have rectified it and apologise.

Then I’d stop helping him, if I were you. Depending on his reaction I’d be considering all my options, to be honest.

I often help my DP with a side business he runs and I have made mistakes before that have cost him money (not loads, but enough for me to be worried out about him finding out like you are - although not to the point where I can't sleep).

I've always told him straight away and been completely honest about what's happened. He's never shouted at me over it or ever threatened to stop paying me for it.

I apologise, he gets a bit annoyed but we sort it together and move on.

I think his reaction here does depend on the money situation a bit, ie how much money this will cost him if they want returns / if the business has been struggling then he will likely react worse.

It's hard working mixing business and pleasure - if he can't treat you with respect then maybe you should consider telling him you don't want to help anymore and he should hire an assistant.

You missed a few orders, it's not that big of a deal. I think it's worrying how concerned you are about your OH's reaction.

You're helping him out. You shouldn't be working on maternity leave, that's why it's leave so if he's that upset he can do it himself going forward!

Thanks all.

To confirm on the email front, we have two email addresses for the business. Like [email protected] and [email protected]

I sent the emails to the customers from the email he doesn't have access to (just never bothered setting it up on his phone) so he won't see them and deleted the emails from the other account which he does see. So the emails are still there, they are just in the other inbox as are my emails out.

I did manage some sleep thank you.

I think his reaction here does depend on the money situation a bit, ie how much money this will cost him if they want returns / if the business has been struggling then he will likely react worse

Tbh I think it would actually be better if they just asked for refunds. It would be a few hundred pounds and the business isn't struggling financially. If they said they'd be happy to wait though it would mean rushed work for him and he would hate that.

Op you don't seem to have read any of the responses on here. The problem seems to be his reaction rather than your mistake.