Made a mistake DH will be so mad can't sleep

[JuneBugHug]

DH runs a business and as it's gotten bigger he's needed more and more help with it.

I've been trying to help as much as I can around my own work for the past couple of years and more so recently whilst I've been on maternity leave.

One of the things I do is give him all the orders from his website so he can go off and do them.

I've just found out following an email from a customer that 4 were missed and not given to him and so haven't been done.

I feel so sick, he's going to be so, so angry about it. I'd not long given birth at the time so I'd obviously just missed them and haven't checked for a while that they had been done.

He's so stressed with work at the moment and little things like this just tip him over. It's either going to mean extra rushed worked for him which will stress him out more or refunds.

I've messaged customers involved and apologised profusely for the oversight but I'm just waiting for DH to wake up and see the emails.

I can't sleep. Can anyone talk to me?

This is awful. You mention that you missed passing over a few orders just after giving birth? Why has he not checked his bloody website - why’s it all on you?

Also - stop “working” for him. This sounds do unhealthy.

I have read them. I just don't know what to say.

Surely if they reply saying they are happy to wait then it won't need to be a rush job and your h can take the normal time?

I work with my DH and have made mistakes- my DH’s reaction is to try to help by talking about how we can put the issue right rather than shout at me and “stop my money”.

If my Dh reacted like yours, I wouldn’t be working for him anymore as I’d be telling him to go and find someone else to do the work.

I'd be telling him where to stick his bloody job and he can pay somebody to come in and work for him. You've got a baby etc to look after. He sounds dreadful.

Just refund the customers, don't tell him and then work on leaving. He sounds like an arsehole.

You don’t know what to say?

You say ‘DH, please stop talking to me like I’m subservient. I’m trying my best...if you don’t like it then I suggest you find someone else to help with admin and order processing...’

I’d also add a fuck you in there...but that’s my opinion

I agree with most of what people have said but just a couple of things first.

1. Some families do not have completely joint income and thats not inappropriate. HOWEVER it is normal to split all outgoings on family things fairly dependent on income. You shouldn't be struggling or having to find the money for bills when one of you has the money. That isn't a partnership at all. My husband and I pay a fair % of income into the joint pot which everything comes out of but if the family needs something, or one of us does, neither one of us would strict money we have from the other. Not at all. It would be paid by the one with the money without a thought.

1. I dont think it is unusual for people to do work for a partner's business which benefits the family, when needed. But the key is when it benefits the family. If you're having money restricted from you or being mistreated that isn't ok.

1. It isnt unusual for some women to work quickly after having a child either because they want to or need to for the money. But I heavily caveat that with it needing to be something that is a healthy choice in an appropriate context. Here is sounds like its something you're feeling you have to do because of how your partner treats you, which doesn't sound healthy. Also you can only do 10 KIT days in any work, not just your normal work, before SMP stops (you have to tell them) so actually that might help you explain how you can't do more.

Ultimately you shouldn't be worrying so much about an outcome of a discussion that you're up in the early hours scared about your partner's reaction. I am concerned you're trying to minimise that by using words like shouty which one wouldn't usually use unless trying to minimise. It isnt usual to describe someone as shouty- it hints at something more. The fear must be significant as you've done something one wouldnt usually do - I would never dream of deleting any of my husband's business emails. That isnt appropriate. However that youve done it shows you must be genuinely fearful. Thats not ok either.

If you need someone to talk to, there are lots of places to turn to. The National Centre for Domestic Violence is one. They have a line you can call to talk. Websites like theirs have quick leave buttons incase someone comes. Think about your relationship honestly and if this is healthy.

He’s getting free labour really.
I imagine you’re not on the payroll are you?

So basically he’s just paying you what he’d need to pay out anyway - then making you pay the bills.

And he will likely threaten to stop 'paying me' too (he's been giving me a bit of money to top up SMP for what I do for the business).

The money you use to pay bills, and run the house where he lives ? where his child lives ?

That's not even mentioning the Shouty bit

If he gives you less money, give him less food, turn off all the electricals in the room he is in, and tell him my wages were cut, can't afford it,... sorry!

He should be giving you money anyway. You're his wife who just had his baby!

Please talk to someone on real life about this as well, your Mum or a friend.

He's a prick

Tell him to hire an assistant

This sounds terrible, think about what sort of reaction you would get if you were employed by someone other than your husband. They would possibly take you to a meeting and explain the impact and work on ways for it not to happen again. They wouldn't yell at you (probably) and withhold your salary.

Don't put yourself out for his business, OP. When you eventually realise he's abusive (financially and emotionally at least, by the sound of it) and leave him, he'll keep the business all for himself, lie about the profits so he doesn't need to give you any of it and not pay CM. You're stressing yourself out and working yourself to the bone for absolutely no reason.

He clearly doesn't care about you- you're just his nanny/housekeeper/PA who he only pays if he feels like it and doesn't need to bother with legalities like paying for pensions and tax with. Good heavens, he had you working shortly after birth! There's a reason maternity leave exists, and it's because it's recognised that women need time after birth to focus on healing after fairly major bodily trauma and look after the baby. He has put his business firmly above you in his list of priorities.

Hang on....you are on Maternity Leave from a different job having had his baby, yet you are expected to help him run his business weeks after giving birth, and you are, frankly, terrified of his reaction to a pretty typical error?

And dont even get me started on the financial aspect here

He sounds bloody abusive to be honest. You shouldn't be afraid of your husband. That's without all the financial stuff thats going on. Time for him to employ someone properly to do what you are doing. You don't have to accept this treatment from your husband.

You poor thing OP, you have enough on your plate right now looking after your baby.

I also work part time for my DH businesses so I know how demanding that can be.

But no harm has been done, you have noticed the oversight, apologised, the customers will get there orders, assuming they still want them.

I had a huge error a couple of weeks ago, told DH, he didn’t say a word about it, it was all corrected and certainly didn’t moan at me, we are all human, mistakes happen, at the end of the day. Try not to worry.

Is he making you work for him, by the way, or are you choosing to do so during your maternity leave?

You shouldn't have to live in fear of him OP. Please think about leaving him. He sounds like a bully.

What hourly rate does he pay you? Do you both share all house costs and living costs?

He sounds like an abusive prick. No way should you be scared of telling your husband you've made a mistake. Don't accept shouting from him. Tell him you have rectified the mistake, then tell him if he spots at you you'll resign and he'll have to find an assistant.

Is he treating you as if he loves you? Or as if you're an employee he doesn't value much?

Is he your employer? If so, I’d a) leave and then b) report him for paying below NMW.

If the OP has gotten to the point that she's terrified of his reaction to a simple clerical error, she probably has good reason to be terrified.

Financial abuse isn't often often only form of abuse that exists within a relationship.

OP is downplaying his behaviour by saying he gets "a bit shouty". It's unlikely he just raises his voice a bit and then reasonably calms down and apologises for overreacting later. That isn't scary behaviour.

She is vulnerable, on mat leave with a small child. Spent lockdown with this volatile man. She's been ground down to such an extent that she's losing sleep over worry.

OP, please consider calling women's aid for specialist advice, or at least get this thread moved to relationships. AIBU is not the place to get advice on your situation.

I don't agree pp. It took me a good 18 months but mn definitely help me get out of my depressing, frightening and nasty marriage. I too had small babies.

@coodawoodashooda

I don't agree pp. It took me a good 18 months but mn definitely help me get out of my depressing, frightening and nasty marriage. I too had small babies.

Which part don't you agree with? MN helped me, too. Relationships board tho....

Stop working for him, a simple mistake should not cause you this much stress.

Write your resignation and send it to him.

You need to find a job so you aren't financially dependant on him.