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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mother inlaw wants to move to same area as dh & I.

201 replies

Pals812 · 10/05/2021 01:37

So, DH and I are looking to move next year. Mentioned to MIL who is single and to all our other family. Not much input from mil. Took a while to choose area to move to, when we finally announced where we had chosen, mil said she'd been thinking of moving there also, which was a surprise to us all. Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own. Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included. I just don't like being in close distance as I like my own space. We've always lived far from friends and family, but same country and still easy for visiting. We're currently close to MIL and she's turned up uninvited a few times.
By moving close to us, it won't guarantee we'll see her more, in fact I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less. DH doesn't want to confront her as it could kick off.
As it is, we try to see her often and include her in lots of stuff. She's been single for over 25 years, is active, has her own life where she is at the moment with lots of friends.
She's now researched the new area thoroughly, even visited it a few times without first mentioning it and now keeps updating us on what is happening there, places to eat etc. in her head, we've all pretty much moved there.
It's taken the shine off it to be honest as we were looking forward to discovering the area, showing people around when they visit and having people sleep over and see it as a mini break. AIBU to be thoroughly annoyed by this, and what's the best way forward. Can't really say "mil, can you please not move to where we are moving". She's 72, has 2 older ds who live in different parts of the country, but not too far. I know I might feel differently in a few months or by the time we move next year but am quite frustrated at the moment. Sorry for the rant and thanks.

OP posts:
Maria53 · 10/05/2021 02:15

Oh dear. I'm in a similar predicament atm. Not much advice i'm afraid - I'm not sure how to broach it either. Hopefully someone will come along with good advice soon!

Original poster
Pals812 · 10/05/2021 02:27

@Maria53, sorry to hear, its such a sticky one.

OP posts:
Gothichouse40 · 10/05/2021 03:19

Im actually surprised your MIL wants to live that near you, especially if she has her own life. If you do end up in the same place, I think you will have to have ground rules, no turning up unannounced. I am a MIL and live near enough my family for a 20 minute bus ride. Couples need their own space and that goes for parents too. I love my family, but would not want to be on their doorstep, nor they on mine all the time.

NicoleKidmanSuperFan · 10/05/2021 03:21

See I don’t understand this typical sort of attitude where people don’t want their mother in laws close by. Mine is 15minutes away and it really helps when I want to go on date nights with my husband or just want the kids to go do gardening or something fun with her. Unless she’s an overbearing person (which she doesn’t sound like as she’s only turned up uninvited ‘a few times’) I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I don’t mind my mother in law popping over with the odd lovely dish from time to time uninvited. One phone call an hour before is sufficient so I can tidy up if need be but otherwise it really enriches my children’s lives having her close by.
Lastly, she’s single, maybe she is scared to be so far on her own, also it’s a free country and she can move next door if she likes, you don’t own England.

bishbashbosh99 · 10/05/2021 03:23

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan totally
depends what your MIL is like. No way would I want mine close by. The best thing about them visiting is them leaving. Also there are other ways to get babysitters!

Sillawithans · 10/05/2021 03:29

I feel sorry for her to be honest and your attitude to her moving to the same area is a bit bonkers. I feel a bit sad reading this that one day I'll have to make an appointment to see my children otherwise I'm turning up unannounced.
Perhaps your husband hasn't said anything as he realises that you don't own the country and his mum can live where she wants to.

Gothichouse40 · 10/05/2021 03:38

Silla and Nicole, you are both very fortunate that you have good relationships with you MILs. Not everyone has that. I loved my MIL but she wasn't easy to get on with, her way or the highway. In my own situation my family work crazy shifts, so popping into them unannounced would not only be impossible, but totally inconsiderate if they need to sleep after a shift. Everyone 's circumstances are different.

KihoBebiluPute · 10/05/2021 04:05

It's a free country and you can't ask your MiL to not move to the same area as you. Thousands of people will be moving in and out of that area every year and your MiL has every right to be one of them if she so chooses.

What you can do is start tactfully talking about where your boundaries are going to be so that you all go into this with eyes open and rose-tinted spectacles off.

Your fantasy about discovering the area for yourself and then introducing your family and friends to it, and feeling hurt that your MiL is spoiling that for you, is unreasonable. You do not own the area or have any role as guardian and keeper of information about it.

Your wish to keep a certain level of distance between yourselves and MiL is fair enough but you will need to talk to her explicitly about it before either of you identify specific properties to buy. You need to explain that you don't feel comfortable with being at "just popping in unannounced" kind of distance and so want to have a minimum distance (20 minutes drive? What would you be comfortable with?) between what she chooses and what you choose. This means that whichever of you puts in an offer on a property first is creating and exclusion zone that the other will therefore not look at properties in.

Tbh it is probably best for you to wholeheartedly support your MiL's move and hang back yourselves, so that you know exactly where she is going to be settling and can then choose your own new home somewhere not too close to her. If you settle on a property while she is still uncommitted you know she will absolutely fall in love with a place 2 streets away.

She clearly has a fantasy for the future where being able to just pop over is normal and you can't take her rose-tinted specs off with regard to that without talking to her about it explicitly.

Sillawithans · 10/05/2021 04:06

@Gothichouse40 I haven't seen my ex mil in 8 years. I appreciate people don't want anyone calling unannounced but all of my friends and family call unannounced, often just walking through the door without knocking.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/05/2021 04:12

Well you can't say anything to her because you don't get a day in where she lives. Either you find somewhere else to live, or you suck it up and stop whingeing about nothing.

Original poster
Pals812 · 10/05/2021 04:33

@Gothichouse40, thank you. Ground rules are tricky as she finds reasons to bend them. I'm first to admit I've always been too welcoming and now she sees us as a group of three that's why dh and I thought moving would help.

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan, good for you and your relationship with your MIL. People and circumstances are different, doesn't make one invalid. As for not owning England, you don't say!

@bishbashbosh99, thanks Smile, we don't even have kids so not even that excuse.

@Sillawithans, so having a different attitude to you is bonkers, ok then. Read above why dh doesn't want to say anything. Ditto owning England.

@Gothichouse40, precisely. I get on OK with her, same as I get on well with my own family, yet I'd equally not want to live down the road from them. 2 jobs and studying at the moment so no time for unannounced visits and not leaving till midnight 😅.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pals812 · 10/05/2021 04:39

@BebiluPute, she won't commit until we do, that's the dilemma. As for boundaries and rules, she has a knack for bending them, it's a skill.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion, it may be nothing to you, but not to me, hence why I posted. Thanks.

OP posts:
BlueVelvetStars · 10/05/2021 04:44

Oofft I'd try hanging off too as long as you can.

this is your situation, with your MIL.. nobody else's MIL.

To try to compare them is stupid.

frazzledasarock · 10/05/2021 04:49

You need to tell her you don’t want her following you to where you are moving.

You and your DH are going to have to speak to her frankly about it.

BlueVelvetStars · 10/05/2021 04:59

@frazzledasarock

You need to tell her you don’t want her following you to where you are moving.

You and your DH are going to have to speak to her frankly about it.

Yip..

bite the bullet 😂

Justa47 · 10/05/2021 04:59

@Pals812

Move some where else as you found great house

Maggiesfarm · 10/05/2021 05:10

Just say no more to her about moving, make it seem as though you are no longer so keen on it. In the meantime, do your research on any areas you fancy.

It does seem odd that mother in law wants to move close to you (if you move); I can only assume that she feels closer to you than you do to her. It's quite sad in a way, however thinking about moving house is not the same as doing it. It would be an expensive upheaval for her at her time of life, more than for you, unless she downsized to a small flat. Things also often go wrong when trying to move, e.g. buyers pulling out, and people end up not moving, deciding it's too much hassle.

MyOtherProfile · 10/05/2021 05:13

Are you planning on having kids? Will you need to support MiL in her old age? We had kids and I would have given anything to have any of the grandparents move near us. We have now lost two of them and have two left who are increasingly struggling on their own. Hard to make sure they're ok at a distance.

MyOtherProfile · 10/05/2021 05:14

I'm not saying that I wanted them near us for childcare as we have always managed well on that front. More for the relationship with our children.

frazzledasarock · 10/05/2021 05:17

I do think telling her is the best way forward for you.

She’ll just follow you if you don’t. Unless you hide your new address from her.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 10/05/2021 08:14

Maybe you should let her know how much you dislike the idea of her nearby and coming to your house.
That way she can get on with not having anything to do with you and get on with her life with people who actually care about her
You don't sound like a very nice person at all, you don't want any family anywhere near you.

SelkieBe · 10/05/2021 08:18

I'm surprised she's moving too, if she has her own life. She doesn't need to ask you though! You said she made the decision without asking you which made me feel you could be a bit controlling. You say you want your own space, which I get, but you cannot control the fact that your husband has a mother. You can't just tipp-ex her out of this movie.

Is there any possibility this is some reverse psychology move?

I don't see the big deal though. Woman with her own life lives in the same town................

Are there any other issues?

UhtredRagnarson · 10/05/2021 08:18

Didn't ask if it was ok with us

😂😂😂

You’re hilarious OP!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/05/2021 08:25

So many entitled people on MN that think they can actually tell a grown woman where she is allowed to live.

Original poster
Pals812 · 10/05/2021 08:29

@BlueVelvetStars, we're trying to but she keeps asking for updates on where we've found. I said to dh I can just picture her waving from across the street having bought across from us 🤣.

@frazzledasarock, might have to to be honest. Thing is, she's one to talk under her breath in such situations and then completely ignore what's been said. Dh, his two db's and dad were henpicked through out their lives. She still tires to do it to him but respectfully never when I'm around. If it were up to dh, we wouldn't even see her as much as we do now. I organise all outings etc and go shopping just her and I but it's never enough. Dh says before meeting me, he never saw her as much as we do now. I enabled it in a way I guess. Her two older sons are single and both an hour away from her. Will have to be brave and just say it.

@Justa47, she hasn't committed to a specific area as she wants us to say first.

@Maggiesfarm, we have an ok relationship. Just she didn't make it known when we were discussing it and showed no interest in moving herself. She drives and we picked the place because it had a good road and train connection to her. She was nodding away during these chats but we clearly should have listened more to her underbreath comments which I imagine were 'I don't know why you're telling me all this as I'm moving with you' 😅.

@MyOtherProfile, we wouldn't keep any dgc away from her if we did. My dm is also an hour away but opposite direction to dmi, wouldn't want to live near her either but happy to visit and have anyone over. I think part of it is because both dh and I are givers and if people were closer, we'd struggle saying no to things, having distance is what works for us. We both like our own space but still make an effort to visit people. I've said this to my dm and she wasn't offended, same to db and ds. I worry about making dmi feel unwanted but we're not leaving her alone in a place with no friends.

OP posts:
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