Mother inlaw wants to move to same area as dh & I.

[Pals812]

So, DH and I are looking to move next year. Mentioned to MIL who is single and to all our other family. Not much input from mil. Took a while to choose area to move to, when we finally announced where we had chosen, mil said she'd been thinking of moving there also, which was a surprise to us all. Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own. Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included. I just don't like being in close distance as I like my own space. We've always lived far from friends and family, but same country and still easy for visiting. We're currently close to MIL and she's turned up uninvited a few times.
By moving close to us, it won't guarantee we'll see her more, in fact I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less. DH doesn't want to confront her as it could kick off.
As it is, we try to see her often and include her in lots of stuff. She's been single for over 25 years, is active, has her own life where she is at the moment with lots of friends.
She's now researched the new area thoroughly, even visited it a few times without first mentioning it and now keeps updating us on what is happening there, places to eat etc. in her head, we've all pretty much moved there.
It's taken the shine off it to be honest as we were looking forward to discovering the area, showing people around when they visit and having people sleep over and see it as a mini break. AIBU to be thoroughly annoyed by this, and what's the best way forward. Can't really say "mil, can you please not move to where we are moving". She's 72, has 2 older ds who live in different parts of the country, but not too far. I know I might feel differently in a few months or by the time we move next year but am quite frustrated at the moment. Sorry for the rant and thanks.

Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own

Well, she doesn't have to; it's a free country and you can't control where she moves to anymore than she can you.

Were moving to a bigger place where she can stay also, which we didn't have before.

Oh, I initially missed this little gem. I think she's planning on living very, very close to you...like your spare room! She's been practicing for a while already, softening you up to the idea, after obtaining a key. 🤪

The other ds aren’t married. She has you picked out as her future carer. You are a people pleaser who won’t say no. Honestly you need a frank discussion and VERY firm boundaries

"I know if anything happened to me, it's you two who would come running". I find this quite a lot to take in. My own DPs don't put expectations on us and I don't understand why she would do this

This is really sad. Would you not go running if something happened to her, or to your own DPs? Would you not help if anything them got ill or weak with age? You have married her son who she has brought up and loves. Does he really not like his mum and want to support her if she needs it?

I'm amazed everyone thinks this makes MIL entitled. I think it means she is part of your extended family. I hope for her sake her other two children actually love her.

@MyOtherProfile there's a difference though. Of course loving family members do come running in the event that something unexpected happens. However, in this case the MIL is clearly planning to rely on OP not just for support when the unexpected happens, but also for all her day to day support and social interaction which sensible people expect to come from a wider network of friends and community groups. OPs mil has a network like that where she currently lives and is actively planning to give it all up in order to be more solely reliant on OP, without OPs consent. It is weird that you can't see that as a problem.

That's not what was said in the post I quoted.

I can see why this is annoying for you, but I don't think there's a lot you can really do.

Have you spoken to your MIL about this "coincidence" and what made her decide to move to that area?

I wonder how she would react if you said you were moving somewhere else instead... whether she'd change her mind to moving there as well? Or would she still move to the original place or stay where she is?

She's thinking long term. She'll be 82 in ten short years and may well not be as capable. I've seen what 'relying on family for support' can do to said family. Certainly not the action of a loving unselfish parent and not what I'd expect of my DC with busy lives and families of their own.
I'd be worried too.

Buy electric gates with a buzzer then don't answer the door. Get an outdoor office and tell her that's where you were.

Pals812 . The issue here is honesty. You have both given your MIL a false impression of your relationship. She believes what you have presented your relationship to be. When in fact it is not entirely genuine .
You see MIL often, you and she go on shopping trips together. You have created what she believes to be a close and loving bond and is reacting accordingly. In 10years or less she may need someone to keep an eye on her - and believes (based on your actions so far) that you and DH care sufficiently to want to provide this .

You need to be brutally clear just how disinterested you are in a close relationship. There is no other way.

I am the absolute opposite to you and would LOVE my MIL /DM in an annex right next to us .. but that is because I do love both of them and want to be sure they are safe and happy , however...

I would absolutely hate is for them to move near me when the way they feel about me is not what I have been given to believe. How awful is that. ? It's like being in some kind of awful playground scenario where you overhear the person you understood to be your best friend tell other kids that she doesn't really like you that much and finds you quite irritating but plays with you because your mums are friends.

It's disingenuous and quite cruel given the life changing plans she is making.

Bite the bullet and be honest . Or learn to be a little more selfless . Today's fashion for 'my needs above others 'is deeply unattractive imho but that is an indulgence having children will cure. Whatever you decide this two faced behaviour really needs to stop.

I organise all outings etc and go shopping just her and I but it's never enough. Dh says before meeting me, he never saw her as much as we do now. I enabled it in a way I guess. Her two older sons are single and both an hour away from her. this says it all. She's picked you out as her future carer for her old age. She's not daft is she?

Are you planning to have kids as you are newly married? She probably wants to be close to gc.

You aren’t being direct enough. She’s still getting mixed messages. You need to tell her straight that she won’t be getting any more of your time even if she does move. Make it clear this would be the case if it was your mum too so she doesn’t take it personally.
“I’m concerned that you’ll miss your friends and be lonely as we won’t have the time to fill the void.”

@AmberIsACertainty, that's really helpful. The replies are firm without being rude. Problem is she always has an answer to everything. We took her a bottle of Rosé at the weekend.
DMIL: oh it will be lovely to open this with you when the sun comes out in a few weeks.
Me: oh no, please don't wait for us, it's for you to enjoy.
DMIL: no no, I want to share it with you when you come. It won't be long now for rosé weather (as she leaves the room). This is on top of the separate lunch invitation.
Regarding her assumption for care. It's exactly that, the entitlement with no discussion prior that is frustrating.
She hasn't once asked about my DM's plans or if I'd like to live close to her even though DM is older than her. You're quite right in that she intends to do whatever she wants and I have to be firmer with boundaries. Thank you so much, very helpful. 💐

@AMillionMilesAway, I know. Thanks.

@AmberIsACertainty, I think she's planning on living very, very close to you...like your spare room!
NO!!!! bad enough being down the road 🤣🤣. Can just picture her setting the plan in motion and thinking "I will follow you" 🤣

@Lollypop701, she certainly has picked us and I am guilty of people pleasing. Will have to set some boundaries and stick to them. It will be a bumpy first few months/years for sure. Thank you.

I understand your concern about her coming to live near you but that interaction about the bottle of rose sounds perfectly normal to me. She wants to enjoy sharing it with you in the sunshine - what on earth is wrong with that?

@MyOtherProfile, we would absolutely help when needed. That's why we chose place x, tried out the trains and drive from HER place and made sure we were moving to a place she'd enjoy visiting. We mention to her on Saturday about her network, which we know is important to her and she dismissed it as well, she'll have us. Being supportive or there when needed doesn't mean being down the street. We planned it out around her and talked to her about our plans, but she didn't mention her wishes to move at the time. Thanks.

All the posters replying that they simply love having their MILs on the doorstep so the OP must be awful for not wanting it are clearly unable to comprehend that not everyone’s IL relationships can possibly be different.

My relationship with my MIL is tricky. She was a big boundary overstepper and still has her moments, but it took some major fallings out over the years for her to step back and not interfere/turn up unannounced etc. She lives a couple of miles from us, but I know for a fact she would try and follow if we moved further away (which we have discussed doing) and I would not be happy about it. DH is an only child, but all her friends and remaining family live here, so she would become extremely reliant on us for help and socialising if we were all a couple of hours away from her network. It’s annoying enough as it is that she calls DH multiple times a day sometimes to get him to pop round and change a lightbulb or whatever.

@KihoBebiluPute, exactly that. Exmaple, DMIL knows we like going to village fairs and has looked at dates for future ones at x place. Pretty much expecting us to take her when we move. We haven't even bought a house yet and she's planning our days out. . Thanks.

I won’t rehash the very pertinent responses people have given about answers and boundaries but I do think you need to think about your family in all this too.

You mention your mother is older and that you haven’t seen as much of her recently as your MiL. Do you want to? Might you want to see more of her going forward? If so, you need to be stricter and maybe fairer with your time. Your MiL is imagining a time when she will depend on you more but that could come at a time when you are needed elsewhere, let alone living your own life/working.

Honestly OP I do think you've set this situation up, and I agree with some of @Frustratedbeyondbelief's points. I think we're very close to my ILs, and my parents. But I would say I could count on one hand the number of times I've directly texted my MIL, or met up with her on her own, and that's with a grandchild. I'll happily chat away to her about things, I genuinely like her. We see them weekly, and speak to them (on FaceTime with our toddler) every few days. But there are still boundaries in the relationship on both sides. Because basically once you take boundaries down its almost impossible to put them back up.

If someone described the level of interaction you describe, I would not be surprised if that was an in-law relationship of parents who were about to move next door. Its a much higher level of engagement, particularly the 1:1 contact and messages you have with her. She will have friends with kids and daughters-in-law, she will see that she has more contact with you than they do. She'll have made plans accordingly.

I honestly don't know how to backtrack, I think the only way to do it without causing hurt is possibly to postpone your own moving plans for a year and work on re-establishing boundaries. I think letting her move with the expectations she has would be cruel. Possibly she has a brass neck and would overstep regardless, but you can't overlook your own part in encouraging these expectations. Possibly what you could do is start making lots of post lockdown plans that don't involve her: going to your mother more, going to your friends more, talking about - or getting your DH to talk about -how now things are 'back to normal' you'll unfortunately see her less.

If your husband was an only child, I would be more sympathetic, but he isn't. I'm afraid that part of the reason why she's chosen your husband might be good old fashioned sexism. Unless the other sons are useless, nasty or wild in some way, she's chosen your husband partly because he's the only one with a wife. She has low expectations to be cared for by her children because they're male, and so naturally the only one with a female attached is the one she wants for her caring needs.

I'm concerned that if you have children, this will really start to affect you in years to come and put a big strain on your life and marriage if her independence decreases. Some people age well but some don't. It's not that she expects some care that's the problem. I also see why after a lifetime of caring for other she would feel deteemined or entitled to get this care - it's the unfairness of her picking only one child to help her with all of her needs in old age, when she has more than one child (which I think will inevitably happen) and the lack of discussion that's wrong. This approach has not helped relieve your worries.

It's wrong (and unwise on her part) not to ask you and her son how you feel about this expectation before she moves. The way she is currently, steam rolling over you both in this, it wouldn't surprise me if she ends up on the same street.

It will likely cause a real rift and no doubt you'll be made to be an uncaring, evil bitch, but I'd be tempted to be as blunt as @AmberIsACertainty. Do not end up being like many women who end up being a carer their whole lives. She needs to know that it is her son who will be 'running' to her, not you. I know it's a grey way to look at things, but I'm thinking of all the men who might have ended up divorcing their wives and got years of free caring labour from their already stressed-out wives, or just looking out for their relatives when it's the man who should have been doing it. I'm concerned that you may have been lined up for that role already. Again, this should not be necessary as it' your son who should be making things clear and having this discussion, and not you. If he's not already doing that might be a sign of how things will be in future.

@nancywhitehead, we asked her on Saturday and were honestly none the wiser. She nodded along but didn't give much other than she hadn't looked anywhere else, so guessing she's set on x place. We made suggestions of other places close to x place but no enthusiasm from her. I don't think she would move anywhere else unless we were there. As you say, not much we can do. Will just have to set boundaries if we end up at the same place. Thanks.

@cptartapp, exactly. I understand old age for sure and would help when needed. If she was struggling with health now we would have considered that. But she's mobile and very social where she is. Thank you.