Mother inlaw wants to move to same area as dh & I.

[Pals812]

So, DH and I are looking to move next year. Mentioned to MIL who is single and to all our other family. Not much input from mil. Took a while to choose area to move to, when we finally announced where we had chosen, mil said she'd been thinking of moving there also, which was a surprise to us all. Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own. Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included. I just don't like being in close distance as I like my own space. We've always lived far from friends and family, but same country and still easy for visiting. We're currently close to MIL and she's turned up uninvited a few times.
By moving close to us, it won't guarantee we'll see her more, in fact I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less. DH doesn't want to confront her as it could kick off.
As it is, we try to see her often and include her in lots of stuff. She's been single for over 25 years, is active, has her own life where she is at the moment with lots of friends.
She's now researched the new area thoroughly, even visited it a few times without first mentioning it and now keeps updating us on what is happening there, places to eat etc. in her head, we've all pretty much moved there.
It's taken the shine off it to be honest as we were looking forward to discovering the area, showing people around when they visit and having people sleep over and see it as a mini break. AIBU to be thoroughly annoyed by this, and what's the best way forward. Can't really say "mil, can you please not move to where we are moving". She's 72, has 2 older ds who live in different parts of the country, but not too far. I know I might feel differently in a few months or by the time we move next year but am quite frustrated at the moment. Sorry for the rant and thanks.

Ask her would she miss her friends etc given that you won't have any more time to see her. Warn her she might feel lonely if she moves but say that it's not personal as you'd have no more time for any of your relatives if they did the same.

@Martinisarebetterdirty. You're s Monday reader 😅, it's a tiny village.

@BreakfastClub80, sons all happy to see her no more than 3 times at most as before but I've tired to make it more often, well over double that. We get on fine with dbi's so I didn't mind arranging the meet ups.
It was odd to us too, why not say during the numerous chats we'd had. Thanks for the advice, shall have a think and chat with dh. If it were up to him, we'd move to some obscure place where she can't come. He loves her but a very complex relationship with all 3 boys and the dad from many moons ago. Thanks again.

You have no right to tell an adult woman where she can and cannot live, OP.

I think this thread just demonstrates that people, and families, are different. Some value a close knit, dropping in on each other, in each others daily lives kind of life, others like to keep contact regulated and at a distance. It is ridiculous and very offensive to call the OP weird and horrible because she favours the second. She appears to have been a perfectly friendly daughter in law, in fact better than her husband. No one knows what this mother is like. People are so bloody judgemental!

Having read all of your posts I think you have, unfortunately, bought this on yourself. Its going to be a bugger to unwind too. She has good reason to think you want to be closer to her than her other children because that is how you have acted.

My only advice is to go back to your husband initiating contact and see what happens.

but she keeps asking for updates on where we've found. I said to dh I can just picture her waving from across the street having bought across from us

Just keep asking her 'have you found anywhere yet?' And wait till she has, then pick somewhere different

Having read your updates it's becoming clearer it's a boundaries / assertiveness issue, in fact, I sympathise with you because I feel like i give a bit more than I'm comfortable giving and then I explode, whereas people who are really in tune with precisely where their boundary lies are really precise about the enforcement of that boundary all along. They might be really really good at seeing their mother in law once a fortnight if their husband makes the effort (as they make the effort with their own mother) or, once a month if they do the cooking and arranging....

I know I exploded at my boss a while ago and surprised him afterwards by saying I'm not assertive enough and that that is why I exploded at you. He was a bit whaaaat but I told him I'd ignored the first fifty times I felt uncomfortable with the lack of thought for me, or being asked to do too much.

@Sillawithans

I feel sorry for her to be honest and your attitude to her moving to the same area is a bit bonkers. I feel a bit sad reading this that one day I'll have to make an appointment to see my children otherwise I'm turning up unannounced. Perhaps your husband hasn't said anything as he realises that you don't own the country and his mum can live where she wants to.

100% this.

@Pals812
This is your husband's own mum for goodness sake. The woman who gave birth to him, nurtured him, helped finance him and taught him key life lessons that you're benefiting from. She literally brought him into his world. Without her, he wouldn't even exist for you to meet him.

Your attitude is disgraceful. Fair enough if you're not personally close to her, but she can bloody well live where she likes and visit her own son if she wants to. The issue is you and you sound like you have other issues around being controlling, or perhaps struggles that are mental health related.

I've noticed this type of attitude is much more common in Britain compared to most other countries around the world. This distance and lack of warmth in social relationships, especially this weird aversion to family members, is very sad.

Have you or DH asked her specifically why she wants to move away from all her friends and current activities? Maybe getting her to realise what she's potentially losing will help?

DH used to only see his mum once a year at Christmas maybe also on his birthday. I was the one who started inviting her to us more.

I don’t now unless she asks or DH invites her (he hasn’t apart from Christmas).

This isn’t an evil DIL thing, it’s a DIL who’s over accommodating and this particular MIL has taken that as given that she will be welcome to live close to them.

On a personal note I wouldn’t mind my MIL living nearer to us but then she doesn’t turn up whenever it takes her fancy and does ask if we’re free to see her.

Just send her a link to a house in the opposite direction...

I totally get it OP and I would hate it and feel suffocated. Good parents let their children go. I can't bear this clinginess. If you let them go they'll usually come back on their own terms but if you keep traipsing around after them the balance in the relationship won't be comfortable. I think it's selfish, and not putting the children first.

My DM has done the same. I've made it clear I might move away and that we won't see her any more often because the bottleneck is time available to see her, not the distance. It's probably one your DH needs to handle. Why doesn't she move near her other DC? Why not stay near her friends? You shouldn't have to try and shake her off.

How awkward!

It sounds like you are right to be worried too as your worries are founded on past form.
Would you be sad to stay where you are?
I think I’d back off a little in the meantime and leave your DH and her to suggest meet ups, stop initiating yourself.

It’s such a shame as she is unintentionally sabotaging a good situation she has going where she does nice things with you.

Could one of you summon the courage to tell her you don’t want to live in the same place and why? Couched in terms of it threatening your current good relationship? I can’t say it would be easy but you could point out that you feel the same about all family members and not just her.

You can’t risk ending up in the same village.

Oh, my! I remember when MIL & FIL (now deceased) told us their plan to move from x town (4 hours away from us) to the town we live in. Thankfully they never did, but the thought filled me with dread. I feel for you, OP. As pp have said, everyone's entitled to move wherever they want, but pray they don't😂

OP - you sound like quite a difficult person with very set ways and ideas. And your ‘idea’ of the way you are seems to be quite different from reality.
You and your H are ‘too welcoming and giving’. Right. You must be hiding it really well.

It is possible, as your H said that without your planned and arranged meetings that he’d in fact saw his mother less. However - I am not sure that would mean his relationship with her would have been more distant. In fact - had it been more natural and more driven by him/her - that it would have been closer in a more meaningful way.
As it is - it seems you control it and arrange things to make sure it’s all on your terms.

‘Last thing I want to do is leave close to friends or family.’ What a strange statement.
Makes me wonder how you even managed to make friends with that attitude.
Of course friendship doesn’t have to mean spending lots or even significant time together. But it requires interacting with people and not always on your terms

In the kindest way, OP, you are coming across as martyring yourself a little.
You DON’T have to tell her which house/town/village you’re moving to, and you DON’T have to facilitate her relationship with her three sons. You sound resigned to the situation but to still have plenty of chance to take charge of the situation and be assertive about your boundaries.

My DH has been encouraging his DP to move closer to us. I have made it very clear to him that I will not be taking on any entertaning or caring responsibilities for them if it happens. Not because I am an awful person, but because I like my life as it is.

@Twoforthree, she has such a good network where she is, thats why it was odd when she mentioned she wants to move. That's a good way of putting it, thank you.

@WhatMattersMost, I know. Thanks.

@pog100, precisely. I don't judge others on their relationships. When I mention visiting dmi, dh almost winces and says "but we saw her three weeks ago" like a child being taken to the dentist 😅. I don't mind constructive criticism, advice and different pov's, what's astounding are the personal attacks and how being a private person is deduced to being a horrible person. Thank you.

@Disfordarkchocolate. Thanks, i certainly have unfortunately. I'll try that but may take a while for me to totally leave it to dh as I know I'll feel guilty and end up meeting up anyway. As they say, start as you mean to go on, I'm learning 🤞.

@Ariela, I'll try and hope I/we don't crack first 😅.

@SelkieBe, yes, dh and I know our boundaries and don't want there to be expectations of why don't you stop by as we're down the road or have resentment either side.
Your boss was thinking who's this person ! 🤣well done for explaining to them, I'm a 'keeper in' also where I'm on go go go, then collapse. This way we can all manage and dh doesn't feel uncomfortable either.

@DateXY, thanks. Good thing I'm a mh nurse. Ill try and treat myself.

@Zzelda, we'll try that. We know she's happy where she is and always raves about it. Might be a knee jeck excitement thing and she'll realise grass isn't necessarily greener (who knows). Thanks.

@frazzledasarock, families are complex and so different. Hence asking as I don't want to say something ill regret to her. She is loved.

@Aprilwasverywet, 🤣🤣🤣.

Thanks for the advice, I'll read and reply more after work. Thanks.

As others have said, it really depends on your relationship with mil on how you feel about her moving closer. You obviously can't stop her if she's made her mind up. Just because she would be closer, doesn't mean she would necessarily be round yours all the time.

I have an ok relationship with my mil but I do not have contact with her except a weekly facetime with us as a family. She is intrusive/critical and has a nasty side so I keep a certain distance for my own sanity! I definitely would not want her moving closer or vice versa, neither would DH.
We are about an hours drive away and that's perfect for us.

Personally I'd let her go ahead and move if that's what she is planning - then make your own plans based on that. If you don't want to be close then perhaps consider moving to a different area/further away. I have never wanted to be close to lots of family either - I prefer to get on with them when I see them rather than have overload and be involved in their dramas.

I think you are getting a hard time here. She’s basically not going to buy till she finds out exactly where you are living is what I understood . It kind of suggests she is basically moving with you and implies a much closer relationship than you seem to feel you have. Who would actually like that unless it was an actual plan? I’d feel like it’s creating some kind of obligation which I never volunteered to take on.

It’s different if she happened to think where you are moving to is lovely and would have made the move with or without you. But I see why you are upset. My MIL is a lovely woman but I wouldn’t want her living so close she could pop by without notice (tbf my DH wouldn’t either).

Maybe you could ask why she wants to move directly?

Also we talk to my DH mum as much as he wants to. I do facetime her more now because we have had a child but mainly I leave it to DH. Its not your job to manage their relationship. It’s entirely different if you got on with her really well and you had a MIL/friend kind of relationship which is separate to Dh.

I have every sympathy with you, my in laws live a fair distance away from us and that's how both OH and I like it. My mother also lived a couple of hours away.

I agree with others that this is a boundary issue though. You have instigated regular visits and made her feel welcome, and you also 'have a problem saying no'.

If you want to see less of her, and/or don't want her dropping in uninvited, you need to firm up those boundaries, otherwise she'll have no reason to behave any differently. If she does move to the same area as you, at least you will have done some groundwork. But if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting.

Let your DH now arrange contact between your family & your MiL. You mention that he rarely saw her before you came along - as do his brothers.
Despite her full life, she's maybe wanting to be close to at least one of her children.
Your DH will have to have a chat with his mother & sort this out.

Incidentally, a retired friend decided to move closer to her children - she lived in the SE, they lived in the NE.
However, she deliberately moved an hour away from them - close enough to have the grandchildren for weekends but not so close as to be expected to do day-to-day childcare & babysitting....!!

No advice I'm afraid, I'm in the same predicament. My in laws want to move near to me, I've lived near them before and hated it they were in my pockets all the time.
Me and dp moved far away to a very nice tourist area and low and behold they want to move here. I totally get what you say about probably resenting her if she moves near you, it made me resent my in-laws and not want to spend time with them.
Unfortunately it's down to your dp to talk to her about this and set some very strong boundaries.