Mother inlaw wants to move to same area as dh & I.

[Pals812]

So, DH and I are looking to move next year. Mentioned to MIL who is single and to all our other family. Not much input from mil. Took a while to choose area to move to, when we finally announced where we had chosen, mil said she'd been thinking of moving there also, which was a surprise to us all. Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own. Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included. I just don't like being in close distance as I like my own space. We've always lived far from friends and family, but same country and still easy for visiting. We're currently close to MIL and she's turned up uninvited a few times.
By moving close to us, it won't guarantee we'll see her more, in fact I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less. DH doesn't want to confront her as it could kick off.
As it is, we try to see her often and include her in lots of stuff. She's been single for over 25 years, is active, has her own life where she is at the moment with lots of friends.
She's now researched the new area thoroughly, even visited it a few times without first mentioning it and now keeps updating us on what is happening there, places to eat etc. in her head, we've all pretty much moved there.
It's taken the shine off it to be honest as we were looking forward to discovering the area, showing people around when they visit and having people sleep over and see it as a mini break. AIBU to be thoroughly annoyed by this, and what's the best way forward. Can't really say "mil, can you please not move to where we are moving". She's 72, has 2 older ds who live in different parts of the country, but not too far. I know I might feel differently in a few months or by the time we move next year but am quite frustrated at the moment. Sorry for the rant and thanks.

I remember how happy I was when I gave dmil the key to our home as she thanked us and said she felt honoured to be given and trusted with one. [For emergencies only, obviously, right? .... ] Well, what I hadn't envisioned (the worst of a few)was her letting herself in on a Friday late afternoon with me laying on the sofa in just my knickers 🙈. Her response as I tripped over myself to get to the bedroom, "oh don't worry I've seen it all" not, sorry I should have knocked, called, texted, sent a pegion, anything!! Came back to find her seating on said sofa and asked her if she'd like a cup of tea. Cue husband getting back from work and giving me the eye thinking I'd invited her. I really didn't see it, but I see it now, Enabler alert!!!! Thanks mumsnetters 💞.

@Pals812

I remember how happy I was when I gave dmil the key to our home as she thanked us and said she felt honoured to be given and trusted with one. [For emergencies only, obviously, right? .... ] Well, what I hadn't envisioned (the worst of a few)was her letting herself in on a Friday late afternoon with me laying on the sofa in just my knickers 🙈. Her response as I tripped over myself to get to the bedroom, "oh don't worry I've seen it all" not, sorry I should have knocked, called, texted, sent a pegion, anything!! Came back to find her seating on said sofa and asked her if she'd like a cup of tea. Cue husband getting back from work and giving me the eye thinking I'd invited her. I really didn't see it, but I see it now, Enabler alert!!!! Thanks mumsnetters 💞.

🤣oh my word! No I wouldn’t like this one bit. Keys are for emergencies. My MIL let herself I once, at our request as we went on hols next I’d left the bedroom window open and my straighteners on.

Reminds me of this

It doesn't make you selfish to want you own space and I do hear she is a bit controlling from your narrative.

My advice would be to make some space if you can. She might not feel so needy then.

But hey I've just been informed by my DH my MIL is moving in with us for an unspecified amount of time so Yeay for me.

My MIL is manipulative and causes problems

Just tell her then. If not you'll end up a simmering ball of resentment which is pointless and silly.

I wonder if you may discover your husband is fine with the idea of his mum/your DCs Grandmother (if you have or are planning children) being nearby. & That's why he won't say anything.

Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included

You do sound as if you want to somehow isolate yourself with your husband. Fine if it's your choice, you have your reasons of course, but that doesn't automatically mean it's his choice. Not everyone can maintain being that intense for a longer period of time.

You've made it sound as if he's your only focus. No friends and family nearby via your choice, who and what is your outlet? Just your husband?

If you were a man posting, you'd be described as a bit stifling.

We've always lived far from friends and family

Well then that'll still be the case won't it apart from your MIL who is just one person. If it's been your way all this time, find a way to cope. Or as said, just tell her your thoughts no point messing around.

My ils wouldn't dream of dropping by unannouced, they did try it once.
You need boundaries, it doesn't matter whether she lives in Australia or next door.
I don't see why she should have to tell you her plans or ask your permission where to live though, bit confused on those points.

Getting the key back would be excruciating for me, wouldn't know how to ask for it back without upsetting her

That's really easy, no need for awkwardness or drama. You've got a workman/friend/colleague coming round who will need a key, so you ask to borrow her key to give to them. Then if she asks for it back, you put her off by saying they are hanging on to it for the time being, or you can't remember where you put it.

Or as others have suggested, change the lock. If she asks for a new key, sorry but you haven't got a spare.

@Suzi888, I should have said something the first time, but instead offered her a cup of tea!!! 🤣🤣.

DeeCeeCherry,
Didn't want to move then resent her and wasn't sure how to say something without upsetting her. Have gotten some helpful pointers on here, so shall ask dh to talk to her.
It is his choice too. His first choice was much further away but we compromised on the new place as it's not too far from all family. He is happy not to see dmil often. He has his own friend groups separate to mine and we share two couple friend groups so we socialisetogetheras well as separately. We see friends or family most weekends either going to them or them coming to us. We just don't like living close.
If she does move, we will cope. Hoping the talk will be productive. Thanks.

@Devlesko
Well done for nipping it in the bud. Wish I'd done the same.
She doesn't have to but it was just weird how she wouldn't mention when we were discussing our move that she wanted to move too. Then being cagey about it all yet asking for info on our move. We wouldn't have moved without telling her, but guess can't expect the same courtesy.
Other than my selfish reasons, she would be leaving a great network and be further from her other DSs. Where she is is central to the three brothers and we'd chosen the place with that in mind. Will certainly work on the boundaries. Thanks.

@Redaska, that is perfect!! She knows we have 2 sets of keys so had over thought it with her wondering why one of us can't let the other one in. All irrelevant though, so shall get dh to ask for them back. Thank you.

I don't think you wanting a different lifestyle to me is mean either, I just think your original post is a bit mean. Id probably be asking my mil wanted to move closer, is she lonely, worried she'll miss out on things/concerned about getting older/frailer and not have her son close, the fact that youve expressed negative opinions but not discussed these possible concerns with her is what i think is mean. But, you're welcome.

We had the same situation.

Relocated 3 hours away due to DH’s work. PIL followed us and have bought a house. My rule was not in the same village. They are going to be able 15 minutes away... and my family are nowhere near. It does feel a bit intrusive and I’ve told DH we won’t be seeing them more than every 1-2 weeks.

The difference is they don’t have a life (no hobbies/ friends), DH and our children are their life. So at least if your MIL is a sociable person I’m sure she will make an effort to settle in and make a life for herself outside of your family.

The more i think about it the more I find the MIL's approach just....weird.

If me and DH picked a random town to move to, and then a family member just announced that they too were moving there, at the same time as us, when they'd never mentioned it previously, and actually acting on their decision to move seemed to depend on what we were doing, I'd find it really bloody odd, regardless of how much I liked them, and whether I was happy about it or not. I'd have to conclude in the absence of any other information from them that their move was directly influenced by ours, and they wanted to be near us. Which would make me wonder why they hadn't discussed it with us, because the only reason to want to be near would presumably be because they would have some kind of expectation of us? It doesn't make any sense otherwise given MIL isn't offering any other explanation e.g. I've always wanted to live in that town because it has XYZ / I have friends living there etc.

I find it very strange that the MIL played her cards so close to her chest, suddenly announced she's effectively moving 'with' OP and her DH, won't have an open conversation about it, and seemingly won't actually move herself until OP/DH tell her their detailed plans. No wonder OP feels a bit unsettled by it.

@ALittleBitConfused1, I expressed how I felt and wrote in for help and see if I AIBU to feel the way I was, so as to find a solution. I don't see how that's mean.
Trust me we've tried, but she just won't say, it's hard to explain but didn't want to keep pushing and make her feel uncomfortable.

She sees her friend groups more than she sees us at the moment as they are all retired and have similar interests. She'll be further away from them, her Church, her voluntary work and her 2 other sons.
I've had lots of helpful suggestions on here and will use that as a spring board and see where it takes us.

@Stressedtoddlermum,
Oh goodness, I feel for you. I've had good advice on here on setting boundaries straight away, which I'd failed to do. Hopefully if you stick to your boundaries it will mean they have time to seek other interests and not rely solely on you for socialising. Good luck.

Indeed, DMIL is a social butterfly but she would be leaving behind a great network. Maybe she wants a fresh start, who knows, as she won't say. Another worry is what happens if we don't take to the place and want to move again, we would find it hard to move and leave her in a place where she doesn't know anyone, especially having seemingly moved there because of us. I know it's her decision but it doesn't take away the worry.

@Pumpkyumpkyumpkin, you've put it precisely as it is, thank you!! Both DH & I have been thinking we're going crazy or something. She still hasn't replied to the direct question from my text the other day. But has texted this morning, to ask how my newly purchased plants are doing. The question is now 6 texts deep and she addressed everything else in previous text. If I ask again I feel it would be confrontational.

Example of conversations after we said we'd chosen a place after almost a year of searching and DMIL then announcing she was moving too. This is separate to one to one conversations we've had with her and some with other sons present, but pretty much go the same way...... .
DMIL: hello, etc, etc, any news on a place yet?
Me: no particular place yet, how about you, any luck?
DMIL: not yet. Line of duty, what an ending.....
Me: shocking! Didn't see that coming.
Is there somewhere you've always wanted to move to, thought you were quite happy in XXX place.
DMIL: nowhere in particular. How can he be H, it doesn't make sense. There must be another series surely, etc etc.
Days later....
DMIL: hope you're well. Went for a walk, beautiful day etc etc. Just checking if you've decided on somewhere yet? Hope you didn't get caught in the rain earlier. I was reading online about etc etc etc.
Me: want to make the right choice, so not rushing it. Might be a different area even if we see something else. How are you getting on, I know you mentioned old friend x moved to xxx, was that on your list?
DMIL: friend x loves it there. Where ever you move to will be lovey, how exciting! do say when you decide. My neighbour has been hammering for the past 3 days, think I might knock and say it's a nuisance, etc etc.
Days later ...
The direct question, (I think it was direct, maybe not).
Me: really looking forward to the new place. You must be excited too for your new place. Have you decided when and where yet? You'd be leaving behind so much, unless its close by and you can still see all your friends. We'd come and visit of course and you can come for mini breaks etc etc.
DMIL: as long as there's a garden, that will do me.
My friend x has a new DGD, they are itching to go and visit but her DD & DSIL are anti-vaxers and not sure how it will work. How utterly selfish etc etc.

I kid you not! I read them out to DH when she texts and we are both stumped.
I know it's easy to be inwardly blind, so there must be something we're not getting. Happy for any help we can get and will use the advice on here to talk to her.

As much as we can't tell her where to live, we don't want her to move for the wrong reasons and end up being unhappy. Thank you.

Sorry, that was long!!! 😳. Thanks.

Hi OP
That was not a direct question. You are dancing around each other, neither is prepared to actually get to the point.

A direct approach would be "When we've spoken before it seems you want to move to the same location as us, is that right? How do you think this will work out for you?"

She may still skirt round the question and say "it'll be fine" but at least the question has been addressed, and she may even give it some thought. If you don't address it, you can't really complain when she doesn't!

Thank you @Redaska, we're seeing her over the weekend and will use your suggestion. Thanks.

Although I can under stand why @UhtredRagnarson would laugh at that comment (because it sounds a little entitled, like you now own a small part of that area and therefore permission must be granted by you), I can understand why you would feel claustrophobic in this situation. I think she should have discussed it with her son at least.

now she sees us as a group of three

That's a real problem. What makes you think that? How often does she show up at the house or call?

Is your husband the youngest in the family? Is he her favourite do you think? Sometimes a parent will pick the most helpful, friendly, caring, pliant or obedient child to be their carer in old age. They become the one who's expected to accompany their parent everywhere, to attend hospital visits with them, often with little care for how that will affect them. The other siblings will be outwardly sympathetic, but will go along with it as they're quietly glad that so little is asked of them in comparison to the 'picked' sibling. They simply don't want to get involved or shoulder the load fairly.

If you think there's any expectation of you to be that carer instead of him (simply by being female) then you need to nip that idea in the bud right now.

Lol. Just read your text exchange. She knows she doesn't want you to move to the area but I think she's intent on doing so anyway. She wants to be close to her son in old age, and that's that. The immediate changing of the subject tells me that this issue is not up for discussion.

It's obvious that she really wants to know where you're moving to exactly so she can start looking at houses that are close to your house. I'm sorry OP, but that's what it looks like to me. She wants to know exactly where you'll be living before investing all that time, money and energy in to moving to that area herself because the whole point of it will be to be close to you. Either that, or she's being evasive to wind you up.

This is really up for your husband to sort out with her, not you. Stop asking her questions about the move because it's becoming really obvious why you're doing it.

*She knows you don't want her to move

Thank you all for your suggestions and advice. Got to see DMIL over the weekend and managed to bring up the topic.
Turns out she hasn't been looking anywhere else and has already told her friends she's moving to x place. Mentioned we were not committed to the place yet, that even if we did move there, there's no saying we won't move again, that she should move somewhere where she wants to live, not just because moved there etc. She pretty much nodded away but it honestly seemed to be going in one ear and out the other.
As you say @EarthSight, she's decided to move with us and that's that.
Her response to being close to us was "I know if anything happened to me, it's you two who would come running". I find this quite a lot to take in. My own DPs don't put expectations on us and I don't understand why she would do this seeing as we're fairly newly married (just before lockdown) whilst her 2 older DSs are both single.
We're now torn between moving to x place anyway and putting some boundaries in place from day one if she also moves there or moving somewhere different.
We saw her at Easter, then this Saturday. We always see her on her birthday, which is beginning of July. Before we left she suggested meeting up in a couple of weeks for lunch which would make it 4 times in 4 months!!! I've only seen DM twice in 5 months. I realise I've allowed it to happen and need to be firmer.

@EarthSight Sometimes a parent will pick the most helpful, friendly, caring, pliant or obedient child to be their carer in old age.

She certainly has, except seems I don't get a say. Will definitely need to nip it. She messages or calls a few times a week. She's very persistent also, which doesn't help. We suggested some other places to look into but fear it fell on deaf ears. Not as excited now about the move as she'll have a list of expectations.

Thansk.

So MIL is a disrespectful boundary buster and there's only two solutions to that. #1 move somewhere else and don't tell anyone your address or #2 do a better job of maintaining your boundaries.

Start by not giving her reasons so she can't try to argue against them. No is a complete sentence, as the saying goes.

Shall I drop round?
"It's not convenient"
Why? I miss you.
"because it isn't"
I'll come by later then.
"I'll let you know when it's convenient"
You didn't answer the door!
"It wasn't convenient, I did say I'd let you know when a visit is ok"
You can let me know now.
"I'll take some time to think about it and get back to you"
But I want to visit!
"We'll arrange a mutually convenient time"
When?
"I'll think about it and get back to you"
Why can't I come today?
"It's not convenient. I need to go now, bye"

Be vague, but firm. Give her nothing to argue against. You've got to learn to stand your ground with these types OP and to walk away, hang up, stop replying etc if they get rude. State your situation, state that you've stated your situation, state that you're moving on from the topic or ending the conversation, then do it. It takes practice but you'll get better at it with time.

Her response to being close to us was "I know if anything happened to me, it's you two who would come running".

Oh dear. She does have a massive sense of entitlement doesn't she?! In the past I'd have been like you and not known what to say. These days she'd have got a blunt "sorry, but I'm not going to be able to be your carer in old age. Perhaps factor in what the local care services are like when you're choosing where to move to?". Yes it's very blunt and will be seen as rude, but her assumption that you'll be her backup plan is pretty rude too.

there must be something we're not getting.

Yes, you're not getting the message that she intends to do whatever she wants. Which is fine, that's her choice.

You get to do whatever you want, which is not to be her 24/7 social life, carer and personal assistant. You also get to move house whenever you want. You've made it clear you've concerns for her moving and what she'll leave behind. She made it clear she's considered that already and is fine with only a garden. That's her choice, respect it. Just like she'll have to respect your choice to not be her everything.

You're not responsible for the consequences of her actions. If she ends up alone and isolated in a new town where she knows nobody, either because you're busy or because you've moved away, that's her own doing and it's not for you to fix.

You're caught in a cycle where she's trying to control your life and you're trying to kick back against that by controlling her life. That's not how to go about controlling your own life, you should do it by having boundaries and being assertive instead.

She doesn't have to agree with you or do what you want. And you don't have to feel, or be, responsible for her. She doesn't get to solve her worries about the future by coercing you into a carer role. You don't get to solve your worries about her being alone and lonely if she moves by insisting she stay where she is or close by. Her emotions are hers and your emotions are yours, you don't get to put them on each other to fix.

I'm not saying you're the same as her. She's doing it deliberately to get what she wants, you're doing it in response to that. She 'started the fight', if you like.