Mother inlaw wants to move to same area as dh & I.

[Pals812]

So, DH and I are looking to move next year. Mentioned to MIL who is single and to all our other family. Not much input from mil. Took a while to choose area to move to, when we finally announced where we had chosen, mil said she'd been thinking of moving there also, which was a surprise to us all. Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own. Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included. I just don't like being in close distance as I like my own space. We've always lived far from friends and family, but same country and still easy for visiting. We're currently close to MIL and she's turned up uninvited a few times.
By moving close to us, it won't guarantee we'll see her more, in fact I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less. DH doesn't want to confront her as it could kick off.
As it is, we try to see her often and include her in lots of stuff. She's been single for over 25 years, is active, has her own life where she is at the moment with lots of friends.
She's now researched the new area thoroughly, even visited it a few times without first mentioning it and now keeps updating us on what is happening there, places to eat etc. in her head, we've all pretty much moved there.
It's taken the shine off it to be honest as we were looking forward to discovering the area, showing people around when they visit and having people sleep over and see it as a mini break. AIBU to be thoroughly annoyed by this, and what's the best way forward. Can't really say "mil, can you please not move to where we are moving". She's 72, has 2 older ds who live in different parts of the country, but not too far. I know I might feel differently in a few months or by the time we move next year but am quite frustrated at the moment. Sorry for the rant and thanks.

Wait for her to move first then don't go

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want a bit of space from family. It doesn’t mean you don’t like them, it’s just you want to have your own life and plans without MIL’s input all the time. Especially if you’ve planned a move where you have good access to visiting but not actually on your doorstep-I’d be miffed if my relatives suddenly announced they’re moving with us even though they’d never expressed a desire to live there and didn’t sound it out first. Some people on here don’t seem to understand people live differently to them-it doesn’t make them awful or uncaring or horrible etc. I’d have a chat with her and say to her you really like her and want her to visit but you’re really looking for a bit of space hence the move and have an equal distance from family members. I have adult children and I’d totally understand if they didn’t want mum living on their door step.

You can't ask her not to move near you, if it's that much of an issue I think you'll need to consider moving somewhere else. Also just because she is moving close to you doesn't mean you will see a lot of her. My MIL lives in the next street, before we moved to this house she lived about a 15 minute walk from us. In the last 3 years I could count on one hand the number of times she has been in my house. She has her own life and absolutely no interest in having a relationship with my DC.

I see where you’re coming from OP, some space is always good and people not randomly turning up at your house. My MIL lives less than 2 miles away and is fine, fiancé has good boundaries and there is no danger of her randomly turning up at 9pm My mother would be quite a different proposition. She’s done that thing where she’s forgotten what it’s like to work -she’s retired these days. So will be confused about why we might be tired so want to do nothing all weekend or not available on Wednesday during the day to move furniture

Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included

This does seem a bit over the top. However, it's obviously your choise. You can't stop mil from moving but your husband can tell her that if she decides to move it doesn't mean more visits.

How is wanting your own space controlling

Expecting her to have asked you first is controlling not to say bonkers

Have you asked her why she wants to do this OP? I've been round this loop with my own DM (in her 70s) where she decides she wants to live closer to me (she's currently 300 miles away with other family close by and a good network of friends and social life) and she can't really articulate why other than 'It'll be better for me if I'm nearer you". I think her thoughts are turning to what happens when she gets a bit older and perhaps needs more support, and I wonder if your MIL thinks you're her best bet in that department (especially given both BILs are single) and therefore she'd better go with you. She may have no intention in the short term of being any kind of burden on you and it sounds like she's quite sociable and independent but I wouldn't be surprised if this move is with an eye to getting more support as she ages. I'd be surprised if its the actual location that specifically appeals to her otherwise she'd be making plans to move regardless of your plans.

I've had to explain to my DM that she can move where she likes but a) she will need to sort out her own social life and support network, she can't rely on me and me alone if she chooses to move here (where she knows noone) and b) I may want to move away from the area / go travelling / live abroad at some point - I won't be staying here simply because she is here, which could leave her with no family support at all. The original assumption on her part was that of course I'd want her living a couple of streets away, and its taken quite a few tricky conversations to get through to her that whilst it seems to make absolute sense to her, it doesn't for me. She hadn't really thought about the practicalities at all. Like you I don't have DCs so it's not like her being around all the time would be a help or the 'more the merrier' approach you may get in large families, its more of an awkward threesome!!

Don't envy you on this one. I don't think you're being mean at all, its quite natural to be concerned about what the motive is behind her intention and what her expectations will be of you and your OH if she moves 'with' you. Problem is if you don't have an open conversation with her about this now, it will continue to be an issue even if you sack off this particular move and decide to go somewhere else. One if you is going to have to have a chat with her about it.

Have you thought about why you want to be the only ones to have information about this place and to introduce others to its charms?
It suggests a little competitiveness and hostility to me. Very sad situation considering she is an elderly lady, who apparently seems to like you.

Maybe you could find other ways to make yourself feel good or hip?

@EnglishRain, both her other ds have the same relationship dh had with her before we met, which is meeting 3 times a year at most. I feel I would be able to have the conversation were it my mum, so you're right, like others have said, dh is the one to talk to her if we go down that route. Thanks.

@WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself, same village would be too much 👀😅. Guess I'll have to back off but worry she'll then ask why I've changed. Will see if dh can summon enough courage to talk to her. Thanks for the advice.

@readingismycardio, indeed, you had a close call... thanks.

@MMmomDD, thanks for your input. Dh and both brothers don't have much of a relationship as in making an effort to see each other. When they do, they're pretty much happy to sit in silence, watch the news then leave. Apparently its always been awkward.

My statement is strange to you because we are different, which is fine.

@AppleSouffle, you're certainly firmer than I am. Wish I'd done that at the beginning then we wouldn't be in this situation. Thanks.

@Appletreehat, its a tough one but I do realise now that I've enabled it in a way. Will ask dh to talk to her. Thanks.

@TillyTopper, she won't move until she knows where we've bought. She can afford to buy any time so she's happy to leave it last minute. Thanks.

@Boondia, precisely, she's quite tactile and knows how to play it, she won't give straight answers (retired lawyer) sonshes good at it 😅. I've learnt the hard way, so I'll stwp back from it all bit by bit. Thanks.
@Redaska, thank you. I'm learning and will be firmer from now on. I'm a people pleaser, which clearly doesn't help.

@Jocasta2018, I will ask dh if he can talk to her. Very thoughtful of your retired friends in their move. We're all different and don't want the same relationships. Thanks.

@imjustanerd, oh no, good luck. Good to know I'm not the only one nut feel your pain. Thanks.

@Subbaxeo, thanks. We're all different indeed and glad some get where I'm coming from.

@BrownEyedGirl80, she won't commit until we move or buy 😅. Thanks.

@NameChange74567, thank you, that's pretty close. Shes different to your mum in that she invites herself and wants to be included in our plans. We see her often but seems it's not enough. That's with her being where she is, where she has her own life. If she moves, we'd be the only people she knows there.

@EL8888, pretty much this.... she wants to be included in our weekend and work week plans, she has a key (yes, my fault) and have found her inside after work. She retired at 60 and seems to have forgotten how tired one gets. 🤣, we've done the furniture too on a Tuesday!!! Thanks.

@Rewis, thank you, I'll ask dh to broach it with her. I think she has the idea that we'll be together all the time, which of course won't be the case.

@MeadowsInSunshine, Dh and I were surprised she hadn't mentioned it on our numerous chats that's all. If you feel that's bonkers, then 🤷‍♀️. Thanks.

@Pumpkyumpkyumpkin, she's been cagey about why as she has such a good thing going where she is now. I think we need to have the tricky conversation unfortunately. We discussed the route with her etc bit she didn't let on at all, had she mentioned this earlier, I feel we might have been able to have an open conversation. However, she showed no interest for the months we researched different areas, only mentioning it once we'd chosen the area. Thank you for your advice. Will ask dh to have a talk with her.

@SoftPower, thanks.

Blimey Oh! Riley. Can’t believe what I am reading. How could anyone actually tell their own DM that if she moved near her she couldn’t rely on her for support. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. What I think is that what goes around comes around.

@HappydaysArehere if you're referring to my post I provide plenty of support to my DM now, from a distance, and would continue to do so if she lived near me, I'm not a heartless cow. In some ways I actually do more than my siblings who live closer. What I'm not willing to do is be her sole source of support if she makes a decision that doesn't really make any sense and puts all the onus on me to meet all her social, emotional and practical needs. Where we live isn't very conducive to older people making friends - its a spread out area with mainly young couples and families, and not much in the way of community, and I work full time. It would be very hard for her to build here the nice life she has where she is now, with a lovely group of friends and neighbours, shops in walking distance, a close church community and family nearby. If I thought it was the right thing for her to do I'd be fully supportive but it really isn't, I think she'd end up hating it and being lonely and resentful she wasn't involved in my life 24/7.

That's why I think the OP or her DH needs to discuss this properly with MIL - they need to understand what her expectations are if this move goes ahead, so they can be honest with her about whether they think it will work.

Jeez, I feel your pain, OP, my own mother threatened for years to move near to us. My brother and I ended up an hour away from each other, she was 5 hours further north, bliss!

What would happen if you suddenly told her you had radically changed your mind and were now moving to X village 100 miles in the opposite direction?

It does sound like you’ve made her too comfortable with you, taking her shopping etc, you’re the daughter she never had! Of course she thinks you want her nearby and at her age, she’ll be thinking about who will look after her when she becomes frail.

Do you plan on having children? If so, would she want to help out? It may be part of her thinking. It is odd that she announced it & is clearly to link closer to you. I'd be miffed. But does sound as though you've been welcoming to the point that she sees you as a BFF!

I'd sit her down & ask what her reasons for moving are.. if it's to be near you, then ask her to refrain as you're worried she'd lose her network she has & you really enjoy the current frequency of occasional visits but have other commitments, so wouldn't be able to fill the big hole that it would leave in her life.

@HappydaysArehere

Blimey Oh! Riley. Can’t believe what I am reading. How could anyone actually tell their own DM that if she moved near her she couldn’t rely on her for support. Unbelievable. Absolutely unbelievable. What I think is that what goes around comes around.

This. I'm real life most of my friends get on well with their dps or dils. They wouldn't want them turning up unannounced every day but wouldn't object to them living nearby, what with them being family etc. I'm not close to my own mum but if she wanted to live near us I'd think it was nice since it would be easier to help if she was sick or something and nice for the kids to see her easily. I'm quite sad at how many people on here don't seem to like their family. Maybe everyone else has been scared off posting.

I live a 20 min drive from my son, DIL and GD and would never turn up unexpectedly. If I left it to them I'd probably see them twice a year though we get on well and have been on holidays together (at their instigation) but they lead busy lives and value their down time. I usually pave the way by suggesting a coffee a couple of weeks ahead and they reply very positively with an invite so we probably see each other every couple of months. If I lived round the corner or a 3hr drive away, it would make no difference to the number of visit and this works for us. I would sit down with your MIL and ask her why she wants to move to the same village and how she sees her life panning out there without her close friends nearby. Put her on the spot and see where you figure in her expectations and be totally honest about what little contact works for you. I can see both sides of your predicament but it's laying-cards-on-the-table time - get her to understand that she could feel isolated and lonely. Good luck.

** OP - you sound like quite a difficult person with very set ways and ideas. And your ‘idea’ of the way you are seems to be quite different from reality.

You and your H are ‘too welcoming and giving’. Right. You must be hiding it really well.**

^I agree with this.

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan

See I don’t understand this typical sort of attitude where people don’t want their mother in laws close by. Mine is 15minutes away and it really helps when I want to go on date nights with my husband or just want the kids to go do gardening or something fun with her. Unless she’s an overbearing person (which she doesn’t sound like as she’s only turned up uninvited ‘a few times’) I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I don’t mind my mother in law popping over with the odd lovely dish from time to time uninvited. One phone call an hour before is sufficient so I can tidy up if need be but otherwise it really enriches my children’s lives having her close by. Lastly, she’s single, maybe she is scared to be so far on her own, also it’s a free country and she can move next door if she likes, you don’t own England.

^ This. I feel quite sorry for your MIL (unless there’s a massive backstory where she’s completely evil). The part where you say if she moves closer, you’ll visit less like a punishment. Does your DH feel the same as you, or is he agreeing with you for an easy life.

You can’t tell someone else where to live, you’ll have to be honest and tell her what you’ve written here..

OP I think what you're saying makes perfect sense. The idea of any family member or friend suddenly deciding to move where I'm moving with no prior indication would make me feel incredibly claustrophobic. You sound like you have been very welcoming (I would never give my MIL a key and I really like her!) but you're going to have to have this out with her and soon!

If it were up to dh, we wouldn't even see her as much as we do now. I organise all outings etc and go shopping just her and I but it's never enough

This totally stood out to me. Why did you start organizing all the outings, meetings, etc? It's just wifework.

You met your DH, he didn't see his mother much, he was happy with that arrangement. However you took on the wifework and starting arranging his family life for him. Now it turns out he had reasons for not seeing his mum that much!

So many women do this and honestly only have themselves to blame. She's his mum, he organizes the cards, photos, meetings, phone calls.

I suggest you stop talking to her about the house move, and start to direct all socializing with her to your DH. Practice some stock phrases:
Dunno, have to check with DH
I'll get DH to call you
Oh Hi, you must want to talk to DH

She's his mother, he needs to organise the relationship and if he doesn't want it that's up to him.

I'm sivorvws but when I did have a .mil I wouldn't have minded at all, we always loves close to her Any way, just different towns. I had a ltr where we lived together but wasn't married before my marriage and I was ten minutes walking distance from his mum, I'd often walk up to hers for lunch.
Maybe after the last year she's felt lonely, she's getting older and just wants to be nearer you, id take it as a compliment and unless she's completely horrible I would say maybe your being a bit mean in all honesty.
I think that in the western world we the majority of us could make a lot more effort to appreciate and care for our parents more in later years.

I read some more - you gave her a key! FFS.

Your DH winces when you suggest seeing her again after 3 weeks? Your relationship is with your DH, not your MIL. He doesn't like her.

What have you been doing woman

You need to get the key back or find an excuse to change the locks and not give her another key.

And look up Grey Rock for some ways to stop being such an enabler.

@HappydaysArehere, to be fair, @Pumpkyumpkyumpkin said she couldn't rely on her, and her alone....... not just she couldn't rely on her.

@Cherrysoup, dh's first choice is actually "X village 100 miles in the opposite direction?" 😅. He'd move there at the drop of a hat. We comprised on this place as it meant we'd still be less than 2 hours to all family.

@buckeejit, no kids so there isn't that reason. She won't say, it's a skill I tell you, like asking a politician a simple question and before you know it, you're all talking about something different. I like your suggestion too, thank you.

@MyOtherProfile, family dynamics can be tricky, I don't remember anyone saying they didn't like their family. Person I get on most with is my best friend, but as much as I love her, I wouldn't want to live next door to her and she'd say the same as wed never get anything done 😅. Not saying mil will be next door, but who knows... People are different, and that's ok.
Regarding being sick, she's where we can both easily stop by from work and has a big enough house for sleep overs. Were moving to a bigger place where she can stay also, which we didn't have before.

@Billandben444, thank you for your advice and good luck wishes. Good to hear it from DGM's pov. Will try and get DH to put her on the spot. We've tried a couple of times to get it out of her but she just won't give straight answers when we've seen her. She and I text at least 3 times a week and I asked again, but she continued the conversation without addressing that particular question. We've since messaged more since and still no answer. We didn't want to keep asking the same question that's why I wrote in for help. She's good at being elusive. Thanks again and hope you get to see your GS more.

@drpet49, thanks. I don't.

@Suzi888, I didn't say "if she moves closer, you’ll visit less" as you've put it. What I did say was
"I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less". Came on here for suggestions because we want a good relationship with her, otherwise we'd just move far and not tell her. As in above posts, dh is happy to see her less than we do now.

@TipseyTorvey, we certainly have to confront it, bit didn't know how to without upsetting her. Have had some good helpful suggestions here that we hadn't thought of. No one likes confrontation and didn't want her feeling unwanted. We what's best for her. Moving closer to us also means she'd be further from her two older ds. We chose the place as she is central to the 3 brothers. Won't be giving out keys for the next place 😅. Live and learn. Thanks.

@AnnaMagnani, I didn't think it through, I just came in and did what I would do with my own DM. Our relationship progressed quite quickly, so I didn't get the opportunity to observe the dynamics over a few years. We got engaged and married within 2 years.
It will take a while to hand over back to dh as dmil and I text and call each other regularly. She'd see through it if I just stopped. Thanks. Love the stock phrases 😅.

@ALittleBitConfused1, I don't think wanting a different lifestyle to what you had with you DIL's is mean, but thanks.

@AnnaMagnani, this post has made me realise some underlying issues for sure. I hadn't thought it through to be honest. I remember thinking don't be the stereotypical dil and treat dmil as you would dm, which I've tried to do. I realise now that I've been enabling it out of trying to be a good dil and that's why she feels she can move with us. As you and others have said, that should be dh's to sort out and I'll start backing off a bit.
Getting the key back would be excruciating for me, wouldn't know how to ask for it back without upsetting her (such a wuss I know), I think we just won't give her the new house one. Straight to get the rocky thingy. Thank you.