Mother inlaw wants to move to same area as dh & I.

[Pals812]

So, DH and I are looking to move next year. Mentioned to MIL who is single and to all our other family. Not much input from mil. Took a while to choose area to move to, when we finally announced where we had chosen, mil said she'd been thinking of moving there also, which was a surprise to us all. Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own. Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included. I just don't like being in close distance as I like my own space. We've always lived far from friends and family, but same country and still easy for visiting. We're currently close to MIL and she's turned up uninvited a few times.
By moving close to us, it won't guarantee we'll see her more, in fact I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less. DH doesn't want to confront her as it could kick off.
As it is, we try to see her often and include her in lots of stuff. She's been single for over 25 years, is active, has her own life where she is at the moment with lots of friends.
She's now researched the new area thoroughly, even visited it a few times without first mentioning it and now keeps updating us on what is happening there, places to eat etc. in her head, we've all pretty much moved there.
It's taken the shine off it to be honest as we were looking forward to discovering the area, showing people around when they visit and having people sleep over and see it as a mini break. AIBU to be thoroughly annoyed by this, and what's the best way forward. Can't really say "mil, can you please not move to where we are moving". She's 72, has 2 older ds who live in different parts of the country, but not too far. I know I might feel differently in a few months or by the time we move next year but am quite frustrated at the moment. Sorry for the rant and thanks.

I can’t imagine thinking that it would be upsetting to have a mil or mother living in the same area. Unless of course they tended to cause trouble of any kind which doesn’t seem to be the case. I am sure if she did know how you feel she would be hurt and would definitely keep her distance.

I've always been too welcoming

I nearly spat my tea across the bed at that. You sound as unwelcoming and hostile as can possible be. She has a right to make her own decisions, including where she lives.

Stop organising meetings with her and seeing her and all that then. Leave it to your DH. She’s his mother.

I used to involve my MIL in everything too, then she was rude to me when I sent her an open invitation to come over on set days whilst I was on mat leave as she really wanted to see grandkids. I suspect it was SIL kicking off about her mum spending more time with us or something.

Haven’t invited her to anything since, I leave it to DH now.

Altho I do like my MIL.

It does seem odd that mother in law wants to move close to you (if you move)

Why on earth does it seem odd that a mother wants to live close to her son?

How far away from you does she live now? And how far away will you be when you move (assuming she stays where she is)?

@FedUpAtHomeTroels, where does it say that in my post? .

@SelkieBe, no I don't, wouldn't want to. How is wanting your own space controlling?

@UhtredRagnarson, as in didn't mention it when we were discussing it. Glad you find it funny.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion, context....

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

Maybe you should let her know how much you dislike the idea of her nearby and coming to your house. That way she can get on with not having anything to do with you and get on with her life with people who actually care about her You don't sound like a very nice person at all, you don't want any family anywhere near you.

I agree. OP you sound awful. You really do. It could be that your MIL is just being pragmatic about her advancing years and wants to be near by. If my son moved and I had no ties I would consider moving closer. I would also intend on enriching my new life in my new area and finding my own path. I like having both my parents and MIL nearby. We never drop by unannounced but are on hand in emergencies. That goes both ways. I've locked myself out and both MIL and my parents have keys (oh the MN horror) last week my father injured himself and I was able to collect him from A & E. Unless there is a huuuge backstory about her being unstable/unsafe you sound awful. Almost like you are trying to isolate her son.

Context? Well you haven't given us any apart from having family live close makes you feel upset .
Like I said entitled.

@HappydaysArehere, people are different.

@LemonRoses, thanks for the input.

@Helen7, were an hour now and an hour and a half at the new place, so not far. We test drove the journey from hers .
@frazzledasarock, we live and learn. Sorry your mil was rude to you. I like her, just not a fan of living close by.

@Northernsoullover, that's your relationship though. Didn't realise wanting your own space is ever so awful. Thanks.

as in didn't mention it when we were discussing it. Glad you find it funny.

Nah, that’s not what you said. Don’t try and back pedal.

I find it more odd that you’ve just chose a random area to move to seemingly without any reason but to be away from family, welcoming? think you have a slightly distorted view of yourself there.
You’ll be back here in a few years complaining about how your DC never see their GPs.

Perhaps MIL thinks you all are a lot closer than you are. She may think she can rely on you in her advancing years. It sounds like this isn't true and a frank conversation is needed so she understands just how alone she is. I think you owe her the truth OP. Then it's done and she can decide how to move forward.

@Sillawithans

I feel sorry for her to be honest and your attitude to her moving to the same area is a bit bonkers. I feel a bit sad reading this that one day I'll have to make an appointment to see my children otherwise I'm turning up unannounced. Perhaps your husband hasn't said anything as he realises that you don't own the country and his mum can live where she wants to.

Well said, you sound really spiteful tbh @Pals812

@NicoleKidmanSuperFan

See I don’t understand this typical sort of attitude where people don’t want their mother in laws close by. Mine is 15minutes away and it really helps when I want to go on date nights with my husband or just want the kids to go do gardening or something fun with her. Unless she’s an overbearing person (which she doesn’t sound like as she’s only turned up uninvited ‘a few times’) I don’t think you have anything to worry about. I don’t mind my mother in law popping over with the odd lovely dish from time to time uninvited. One phone call an hour before is sufficient so I can tidy up if need be but otherwise it really enriches my children’s lives having her close by. Lastly, she’s single, maybe she is scared to be so far on her own, also it’s a free country and she can move next door if she likes, you don’t own England.

This! I don't particularly get on with my mother in law but I would begrudge her living near her son.

[quote Pals812]@Northernsoullover, that's your relationship though. Didn't realise wanting your own space is ever so awful. Thanks.[/quote]
You can have your own space, in your house. You don't need to have a whole district and further cleat of family. So weird.

Wanting your own space isn't controlling in itself but the belief that you can push your MIL to the very edge of your life and your entitlement to do that (saying she didn't ask you first wrt the area to move to) demonstrates that you feel entitled to push her out of your life which you are entitled to do but obviously and you know this, that means pushing her to the edge of her son's life.

Also, there is a narrative sometimes that if a MIL is busy enough, ''has her own life'' she'll conveniently fade away in to the background.

I'll be one of those single MILs one day, and I will have a busy life and I will be content and independent but I will not fade away in to the background for the convenience of a DIL who doesn't know how to get along, or talk to her husband!

My own xMIL was a total nightmare but I never thought that the solution was for her to just disappear. I did understand that she was my X's mother. She was independent with a full life too. In the same way that your husband is a part of your life, he is part of your mother in law's life too because he is her son.

I sometimes read these threads and wonder do the DILs not get this!?

That's not a comment to you in particular, I just think that half of the time, the DILs don't understand that by marrying a man, they are his wife. They're not entitled to push his family so far in to the background that he gives up trying to see his mum because it causes an atmosphere at home.

You can have your own space, in your house. You don't need to have a whole district and further cleat of family. So weird.

This is so true.

I'm on your side OP. I love my MIL but 30 minutes drive away is close enough, and they'd never dream of dropping in unannounced, as we wouldn't them! Nor would my own mother (1 hour away).

OP you are getting a tough time. I wouldn’t want my MIL staking me to a new area either. It can take the shine off completely. In fact one of my best friends was looking at moving to where we have lived for years, I was gutted as I knew she’d then try and make out she’d told me about the great coffee shop I’ve visited for years and I wouldn’t have my own life without her joining in, and I adore this friend I just like space.
You do need to tell her if she will just follow. Perhaps say we are renting for a year to see how we get on, we don’t know if we want to be tied to one place?

@SelkieBe, thanks. Dh wants to move away and stated before, is happy to see less of dmi. I've always organised meet ups and have to keep the jollyness going otherwise they'd sit in silence. As @frazzledasarock suggested, I should stop making the arrangements or maybe less as if I don't, they'd only see each other no more than at Christmas, a weekend in the summer and maybe one more at a push, which is how it was before dh and I met.

@SelkieBe

You can have your own space, in your house. You don't need to have a whole district and further cleat of family. So weird.

This is so true.

It depends on area surely? If you live in a village that has one coffee shop then you can never go out expecting that you won’t bump in to people. It’s fine if you live in a city where you have choice of where to go but if it’s a smaller place then you are bound to bump in to people.

OP, I think you’re getting a hard time as my reading of your posts is that the problem is between your DH and MIL not just yourself. It sounds like he wants less involvement with her, which will obviously influence your feelings too.

I think it’s really odd of her to suddenly announce that she wants to move to the same area, without ever discussing it before. She’s clearly trying to stay close. Maybe she genuinely feels that she needs to be close to one of her sons etc but she could have discussed this with you both.

I think you either need to speak to her about it directly (it might be worth making sure she has realistic expectations of the move versus how you would have seen your contact if she stayed put) or you need to find a way to feel a bit more positive about having her close.

Best of luck.

It depends on area surely? If you live in a village that has one coffee shop then you can never go out expecting that you won’t bump in to people. It’s fine if you live in a city where you have choice of where to go but if it’s a smaller place then you are bound to bump in to people.

So you get to dictate who can like in the village or town? I don't think so.

@Chocoqueen, she once dropped in at 9pm midweek because she was in the area 😅. It's not about it being a mil though, I'm just like that with everyone. Love you, come visit, we come visit you, then bye, see you soon. Its not we never want to see her like some people seem to be thinking.

@Martinisarebetterdirty, oh deary, friends like that can be annoying 😅. Renting isn't an option as we laid our cards on the table, didn't hide anything, just have to pick a house. She won't commit until we do, so will have to say I guess. Thanks.