Mother inlaw wants to move to same area as dh & I.

[Pals812]

So, DH and I are looking to move next year. Mentioned to MIL who is single and to all our other family. Not much input from mil. Took a while to choose area to move to, when we finally announced where we had chosen, mil said she'd been thinking of moving there also, which was a surprise to us all. Didn't ask if it was ok with us, just decided on her own. Last thing I want is to be close to anyone, my own parents, siblings and friends included. I just don't like being in close distance as I like my own space. We've always lived far from friends and family, but same country and still easy for visiting. We're currently close to MIL and she's turned up uninvited a few times.
By moving close to us, it won't guarantee we'll see her more, in fact I feel I'll resent her for it and see her less. DH doesn't want to confront her as it could kick off.
As it is, we try to see her often and include her in lots of stuff. She's been single for over 25 years, is active, has her own life where she is at the moment with lots of friends.
She's now researched the new area thoroughly, even visited it a few times without first mentioning it and now keeps updating us on what is happening there, places to eat etc. in her head, we've all pretty much moved there.
It's taken the shine off it to be honest as we were looking forward to discovering the area, showing people around when they visit and having people sleep over and see it as a mini break. AIBU to be thoroughly annoyed by this, and what's the best way forward. Can't really say "mil, can you please not move to where we are moving". She's 72, has 2 older ds who live in different parts of the country, but not too far. I know I might feel differently in a few months or by the time we move next year but am quite frustrated at the moment. Sorry for the rant and thanks.

@TeeBee, 🤣🤣🤣. We have a buzzer here but have been caught unawares as we went expecting her. We need one with a video 😅. Thanks.

I note that some posters are saying you have lined yourself up for this role by fostering a relationship with her and being nice. I don't think that the responsibility should fall all on you for this. Even if you were super helpful and nice, the other side also has a responsibility to not overstep boundaries and to make sure they're not taking too much. Unfortunately, she seems to be one of those people who think that because someone else is nice to them, then that must mean they have an obligation to do anthing. Some people cannot see nor do not respect other people's kindness or boundaries. She might be one of them.

@Frustratedbeyondbelief, that wouldn't be true though as we do love and care for her.
Just because we don't want DMIL living in an annexe next to you doesn't mean we don't love them. I didn't know love is wanting people living next to you.
We want her in our lives otherwise I wouldn't have made an effort at all from day one.
Problem is when you give and its take take take. If she were in need, she's right to say we would go running, as I would with any friends or family, but we don't have to live down the road from everyone to show we care. Thanks.

Seriously you need to blunt very blunt.

MIL you seem to think x y z will happen but it won't. You won't be seeing us anymore than you do now, we won't be inviting you on all our outings so you'll be leaving are your friends to sit home alone or travel back to see them.

In terms of helping out when you are elderly well that isn't on the cards we'll be too busy with either our careers or DC if we have them.

She isn't going to accept boundaries, better to blunt and face the fall out now then her move and then it blow up.

@TiltTopTable, 🤣🤣🤣, turns out I'm the daft one! Live and learn 😂.

@Twoforthree, that's a good line, thank you, will use it. No kids and if we did, she wouldn't be too far. Thanks.

"MIL, it seems like you're expecting us to take the place of your friends and social life here. In afraid that just isn't going to happen. Our lives will be busy and will develop in different ways. We might even move again in three or four years.
I don't want you moving all that way in the expectation of something that isn't practical. You're going to end up lonely.
We love you and like to see you, so will find a place where you can stay, and which is in easy reach. But we can't be your social life day to day"

Better still if your DH says it

Just seen random's and it's better than mine

@saraclara

"MIL, it seems like you're expecting us to take the place of your friends and social life here. In afraid that just isn't going to happen. Our lives will be busy and will develop in different ways. We might even move again in three or four years. I don't want you moving all that way in the expectation of something that isn't practical. You're going to end up lonely. We love you and like to see you, so will find a place where you can stay, and which is in easy reach. But we can't be your social life day to day"

Better still if your DH says it

Perfect

With the rosé. She wants to share it with you, fine, she can want that. You don't have to come when she issues the invitation, whether it's rosé weather or not. That's when you roll out your "inconvenient" line.

You're trying to fend off being invited, she's ignoring that because she has the skin of a rhinoceros and is determined to get her own way. She's using her sweet little old lady act to railroad you into doing what she wants. If she is that sweet why don't any of her sons ever want to spend time with her?

I think she sounds manipulative and determined to to walk over you, which is why you're feeling so uncomfortable. It's really not ok for her to be letting herself in with a key for any reason other than you've said she can, she thinks you're dead/hurt or she could smell gas, or something like that. She's already behaving more and more like she lives there and I don't think it's accidental at all.

You're going to have to lose the "without upsetting her" part of things too. People who are this determined to get their own way and are thwarted are often upset about it. It's fine, she's entitled to feel however she feels. It's not for you to dismantle your own boundaries so that she feels better. She can deal with her own emotions.

This is usually middle aged men but it's your MIL too: she has one of those jobs where she's used to people doing what she says and she's come to expect it from people, she's been used to getting her own way at home all her life too, she's not going to like it when she realises her tactics are no longer working on you. You can expect her to possibly get angry so you'll back down, act offended to guilt trip you into doing what she wants, or to ramp up the manipulation to another level and become gaslighting etc. People who walk all over others to this degree generally don't IME go "oh ok then" and back down when called out on their behaviour or faced with firmer boundaries. Stand firm and if she has any decency in her and wants a relationship with you, she'll back down and start behaving reasonably. If she doesn't, then you have your answer as to the kind of person she is and an explanation for why her sons are low contact with her.

Can just picture her setting the plan in motion and thinking "I will follow you"

You're kind of being stalked. But she's doing it so nicely you haven't realised. Imagine you'd given your spare key to a long time neighbour for emergencies and they behaved like she has? You're not being mean or unreasonable. Your subconscious has picked up on her 'off' behaviour and although you couldn't put your finger on what's wrong, your instincts are telling you to run.

This will probably sound harsh. But you need to tell your MIL you will not be her future carer. IME it always falls down to the wife regardless of who’s parent is being cared for.

Also tell her you expect to continue seeing her as much or probably less than you do now.

Stop taking her calls tell her to call your DH her son and your busy to take calls. Cancel trips she wants to take on grounds you’re busy.

Stop being so accommodating, stop arranging meet ups, leave it to her son.

Ever since MIL was slightly rude to me I don’t bother agreeing or planning meet ups, I leave it to DH, MIL usually have to chase him several times to get a date to meet up before he responds. But they’re the ones with the primary relationship and DH can easily tell his mum no or forget to respond and it’s not taken badly by MIL (whereas I think she’d be more annoyed if I did the same).

@Leonardsgirl, it's the invitation that comes with it. We've seen her 4 times in 4 months as she's arranging to see us again three times by beginning of July. Thanks.

@SylHellais, exactly. Were not all the same and to suggest not wanting to live down the road from someone means you can't possibly love them is bizarre. I feel for you, at least your DH is an only child so she has no options, whereas DMIL has two other DSs who are single. Well done for setting boundaries and sticking to them. Thanks.

@KatherineSiena, you're absolutely right. I now feel she has thought that through and wants to be top priority by being close. Used to see DM more but cut down due to not having as much time. I've invested more to DMIL I think in part for wanting to please DH, only to turn out he's happy seeing her less. Meanwhile, I've got myself in a pickle and will now have to start stepping back. That should teach me 😅. Definitely need to be firmer. Thanks.

@namechangemarch21, you're absolutely right, I've encouraged her without realising the repercussions. I definitely need to do some big steps backtracking. I fear postponing the move will just make her postpone hers then were back to going round in circles. I've learnt a lot on this thread and will put it to good use. Boundaries, assertiveness, saying no and making no apologies. We won't include her in as many of our plans and I'll start to text less. Just realised reading this, I text her more than I text my own DM!!!!! Dear mother of God!!!!! Thank you.

if she were in need, she's right to say we would go running

You need to be careful with this as it could well be her next tactic. Creating the appearance of "need" by pretending to be helpless, refusing to take responsibility for herself or simply constantly asking. I used to make the mistake of believing that if someone asked me for something or even just told me about something wrong, then it was because they needed my help, so I was always running round after others. I eventually realised that in most cases they simply preferred somebody else to do whatever it was for them instead of doing it themselves.

I'm going to disagree in this instance with people saying your DH should sort this. Usually I'd agree but I feel sorry for him, he didn't want this level of interaction with his mother, it was you who fostered that and I think it's only fair to him that you sort it out, with his backup. As already mentioned, lockdown ending gives you the perfect opportunity to suddenly become very busy with a multitude of other things. I agree also that you owe yourself and MIL one very honest conversation about not being her carer. In part so if she then follows you, you can implement your new boundaries guilt free, knowing that you made your position 100% clear before she moved. It doesn't need to be a long conversation but I think for everybody's sake you need to state it.

@EarthSight, Not the same street!!! Please God no!! I think you're absolutely right about expecting me to do the running because I'm female, possibly because of personal care which is understandable. It's the entitlement and as said above, what happens if my DM happens to need me at the same time. She hasn't thought beyond her needs and I see that I've enabled it in some way.
When being kind and caring, one doesn't go in thinking to hold back as you don't expect to be taken advantage of. I've learnt that she's happy to keep taking as along as it suits her.
An example, DH and I had booked two weeks holiday and decided to take her away for a big birthday for 5 days. So that's one week gone including travelling etc. We gave it our all and made sure she had a lovely time, knowing we had a week to ourselves to recover and relax. On dropping her off, she says "see you at the weekend as you'll still be off". We were both going back to work on the Monday after said weekend. Neither of us had arranged anything with her and that's one time when I said a big form NO!
I definitely should be more blunt and firmer. Why didn't I see this coming!!! Thank you.

We made the mistake of moving close to the ILs - I love them to bits - but this was too close and I felt suffocated. They were round all the damn time. We ended up selling within 10 months and moving away - not just because of them, the house was a flipping nightmare. There's a good 15 mins between us now and I feel like I can breathe.

It’s good to see a poster be so reflective and heeding the advice given. I would gently step back from being so available and the next time she asks to see you say you are seeing your mum. If she queries it, you can then say you’ve been neglecting her a bit and you need to redress it. There doesn’t need to be a massive falling out but some gentle withdrawal and honesty in saying you need to see your family too. In fact you could always go to your family for the day and your DH to his mum although I suspect he won’t be quite so keen on that suggestion! Good luck 💐

I think the easing of lockdown restrictions will give you a reason to spend less time with her, as you will be so busy doing the things you haven't be able to do. You could also say you realised you haven't spent much time with your mum lately.

You don't need "excuses" to be less available to MiL, but a combination of a bit more firmness and being busy elsewhere could be a more effective block.
I'd get your key back or change the locks too

The trouble is, now you have seen her behavior so clearly, you can't unsee it. So you'll end up spending time with her but resenting it, and waiting for the next demand on your time.
Much better, and kinder, to sort this now even if it means postponing your move, so that if she does move with you she does so with a much clearer expectation of how much time you will spend with her.
I think at the moment she will expect a key and you'll find her waiting for you when you come home from work.

@RandomMess, I like that too. Straight to the point without being rude. I shall practice for when we next see her and say it before we move. Thank you.
@saraclara, thank you so much. I'm learning and taking it all in. Surely she can't argue with that. They're both great. Thank you.

@Twoforthree, indeed it is. Im ready now. Thank you.

@AmberIsACertainty, oh wow, your comments have really hit home, I'm in tears. I realise now how it's been a cleverly planned manipulation which could have easily gone on years and years. As much as I have been smiley, happy, helpful etc, it has been draining. With everything else going on, its hard to focus and dissect each relationship. The moving is what made me think , hang on, thats not normal. Not her wanting to move wherever, but not saying anything to us about our move then announcing it as a given. Thank you so much. I can start to feel the guilt easing a bit and shall be firmer. Indeed re the keys, I wouldn't expect that behaviour from anyone, my own DM wouldn't do it but I didn't deal with it then as I should. I shall bring up the carer part and her expectations when we next see her. You're right, it's for me to fix my relationship with her and DH can go back to engaging as he was before. Seems it's been weighing on me than I realised. Thank you again.

@frazzledasarock, you're quite right. I should have foreseen all this, but then one doesn't go into a relationship assuming the worst. I need to be firmer and have proper boundaries for my own sanity. Thanks you.

@espressoontap, oh dear that is what I'm afraid of. It won't be the village next or opposite end, she'll want to be down the road. Glad you managed to move and sorry the house wasn't great. Thanks.

@KatherineSiena, thank you. I really want a happy and healthy relationship with all concerned. Oh no he wouldn't like it at al. One of the things DMIL said to me when we first met "I'm glad there's someone else now to boss him around"..... hopefully she won't question me wanting to see my DM, if she does, I have some responses ready thanks to the responses above .
I'll start on the gently withdrawal. It's been exhausting to be honest. Thanks.

@MotherofTerriers, I won't be making that mistake again!!! 🤣. I said to DH that she's not getting a key for the new place. She will definitely ask. I feel bad as my actions caused her to bully her other DS into giving her a key "as we'd been sensible to give her one in case of emergencies" he's not thanking us for that after living happily without fear of his DM turning up unannounced for almost 50 years 🤦‍♀️. Had planned to get keys on Saturday but forgot. I feel braver now to have a direct conversation so will do so. Thank you.

@AmberIsACertainty, sje has the skin of a rhinoceros I need one of those!!🤣🤣

We are assuming it is to do with her care, some older people can’t imagine a worse nightmare than being cared for and their pride is more important to them. It could be as simple as she wants more of your company because she enjoys it more than her friends and volunteering. Not everything has an ulterior motive.

She believes you really like her and are open to this level of contact/closeness. If that’s not the case, you need to politely but clearly correct her. What MIL does from there will offer more insights into her mindset. MIL may just be desperately lonely, despite appearances of a busy life. She may really be suffering and I wouldn’t be rough with her. We can’t imagine what it’s like to be that age until we get there.

Maybe in your old ages, someone may be as patient and tolerant towards you.

Both our sets of parents have keys but they wouldn’t dream of using them without knocking first, and they wouldn’t let themselves in unless it was prearranged or an actual emergency.

You live and you learn. You want to be nice and generous to people that are going to respect that, that are going to think of your needs too but some people are either totally blind to it or simply don't care.

@AmberIsACertainty has good advice here. I was all aboard your husband sorting this out but I think she's right - I'm afraid it's going to have to be you who really stands firm now as your husband didn't want this level of contact with his mother. You went into it, meaning well, think you would have a nice, friendly, mutually supportive with your mother in law, but not realising that there might be a very good reason why he wanted to limit contact and now you're finding this out yourself. Eek.

I know it sounds OTT, but in your situation I would be tempted to drop hints that's you've been looking at jobs and opportunities somewhere else in Europe, and saying you've always fancied living in Finland or wherever 😂 Surely she wouldn't follow you to a different country........would she????

We've seen her 4 times in 4 months as she's arranging to see us again three times by beginning of July.

This could be an over reaction, but it's clear she's ramping up in a very big way, getting you used to her being around all the time. If she's still talking about moving after you've moved and made things clear to her regards being her carer, I'd be wary of having her over to stay until you've visited her in her new home. Mainly to check there is one. I can forsee a situation where a weekend visit being extended by a week then her inexplicably failing to leave the next week, finally admitting she's sold up and "can't find anywhere suitable to buy yet, but it's ok because you have all this room and we get on so well"! If she tries this you'll have to be very firm about her renting instead. But hopefully she'll see sense and it won't go this far.
I think your DH had it right. While you were building bridges across the moat like the kind and helpful person you are, he'd clocked the visitor and had the back drawbridge down and was galloping off into the sunset. If she turns nasty I'd reconsider his choice of location 100 miles away.

And actually lockdown might have really affected her confidence. I know a couple of older people who I thought were quite emotionally strong, have really struggled over lockdown with their mental health. Hopefully as things get back to normal, your mil will resume her normal life and drop the plan to go with you.

From other posters on here I think you may have given her your keys. That's ok - accept that it was probably a mistake. Don't ask for them back now but make sure she doesn't have them in future with your new house, especially if she's going to be living very close by. Not sure what you can give as a reason not to if she asks for them though :/