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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

187 replies

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 19:02

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

OP posts:

MrMucker · 08/05/2021 19:55

How about you type up a piece of paper with reasons not to and thrust it across the table at him next mealtime.

Badgerlock42 · 08/05/2021 19:56

He's probably going to spend much of his counselling session bitching about me.

Excellent. Tell it to someone who cares (for cash), all the less for you to have to listen to :)

SmileyClare · 08/05/2021 20:00

If he has actually been offered a job in Australia (interviewed, short listed and so on) which is unusual as a pp pointed out, then I would suspect he's laying the ground to go alone?

He must know you wouldn't want to emigrate? It sounds as though you have difficulties in your relationship. In fact, you don't like him or communicate well. It would be a disaster to isolate yourself with this man on the other side of the world.

SonnyWinds · 08/05/2021 20:06

YABU. If one of you wants something and the other doesn't then you should at least listen to what he has to say. He's not a child and is your equal - this is a decision you should make together. Not sure why you think it's your divine right to unilaterally decide AND not even listen to his reasons AND be annoyed at him for even considering wanting something different from you.

Lambside · 08/05/2021 20:12

Any thoughts of moving to Australia should have been spoken of as they came up and then discussed in detail before he made any other move.
I think if either partner really doesn't want a change then that's the end of it.

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 20:15

@sonnywinds maybe because of the way he stonewalls, gaslights and refuses to discuss things. Maybe the way he has a new obsession every few years. Id say moving across the world is a pretty big decision... it's not really something one can compromise on. He has a history of being dissatisfied with life eg having done many degrees/different jobs and giving up when things get tough.

OP posts:

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 20:16

@mrmucker I think I might just play him at his own game!

OP posts:

toocold54 · 08/05/2021 20:24

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc.

Sorry I must have missed a previous thread. What do you mean your doing ok now and that he’s calmer now? Why is he seeing a therapist? Obviously this is the root of him wanting to move.

Maybe you could not shut him down completely but talk about booking a holiday over there etc so he feels supported and it’ll give him time to come to his senses. Obviously if he doesn’t change his mind then he’ll have to move over there alone.

SmileyClare · 08/05/2021 20:28

His abusive behaviour is not something you should put up with. It sounds toxic and you sound resigned to it. Reading between the lines, he makes all the decisions right? You know he will manipulate, coerce, or emotionally blackmail you into going.. And this is why you're so unsettled about his latest decision, why you feel dread in the pit of your stomach.

Perhaps you need to make some decisions of your own regarding your relationship?

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 20:32

@toocold54 basically he used to loose his temper loads, swear at me and DD and be basically not very nice. I think it stemmed from his mother being a narcissist and him not being able to communicate. He started having counselling and then seemed a bit better but still unable to communicate properly. I would try to talk and be told that he was too busy or tired etc. He wouldn't have difficult conversations telling me he would write down his response which I would then get weeks later. He is very difficult to live with. However, we had been discussing some home improvements, he had been researching a new car and we were trying for a baby hence why when stuff like this happens it completely boggles me. It's like he has two lives in his head... he has been thinking all this family stuff whilst also pursuing moving abroad or looking at flats to rent so he can 'have space'.

He isn't a bad dad per se and he could be a great husband but he allows his emotional unavailability to affect everything. He probably doesn't mind moving as he has no friends where we live despite having lived her over 10 years.

OP posts:

SonnyWinds · 08/05/2021 20:32

[quote mimirouge]@sonnywinds maybe because of the way he stonewalls, gaslights and refuses to discuss things. Maybe the way he has a new obsession every few years. Id say moving across the world is a pretty big decision... it's not really something one can compromise on. He has a history of being dissatisfied with life eg having done many degrees/different jobs and giving up when things get tough.[/quote]
it's not really something one can compromise on
And yet you're demanding he compromise without even discussing it ...and somehow you're the victim of him daring to have an opinion.
refuses to discuss things
He wrote a damn list to discuss it and you just refused to listen. That's YOU refusing to discuss things.
I'm sorry, given that we've only heard your version of events, it still sounds to me like you're the problem.

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 20:35

@smileyclare actually, despite all this... I'm not sure he would actually move. He never actually takes initiative on making something happen... part of me thinks he wants me to say no and then he can blame me for messing up his life. He has been researching flats to move into for over 2 years...., I told him last year that I was happy for him to leave and for us to have a break. he didn't go funnily enough. He just likes to feel he has control but doesn't have the balls to see it through.

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/05/2021 20:35

It’s hard to say here. I have emigrated with family to a job in the US (and back). And I discussed it with recruiters for months before bringing my DH and DCs into the conversation. This was because I saw no point in causing the emotional upheaval if the job wasn’t a real offer. So I waited until I had a formal offer before presenting it to my family. I don’t think that was wrong, after all I’d been headhunted for jobs in Belgium, Singapore, etc before and as more details emerged decided wasn’t right for me, and so stopped before formal offer stage. It would have been wrong of me to put my DH and DCs through the upheaval of “we might move to X” over and over again when it wasn’t a firm opportunity.

So I would not be upset that he waited before discussing it with you. He probably wanted to make sure it was a real opportunity first.

Second, give it some thought. Sleep on it. It’s hard to emigrate but it was a wonderful experience for us and our DCs. They got to experience another country and culture and make friends they still have today. One question I would ask, is how long is the job for? Can you negotiate a package where they pay to ship us back to U.K.? My US job was a four year contract and included relocation costs there and back. I simply rented out our home while we were gone.

toocold54 · 08/05/2021 20:36

Honestly the relationship doesn’t seem that great and I wouldn’t have the energy to put up with it.

I think you need to tell him if he wants to do this then it’ll be without you and see if he is ready to leave the relationship which it sounds like he is.

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 20:37

@sonnywinds I asked him to tell me about Australia, I initialted the conversation and he ignored me and ate his meal in silence....

This is the problem.... he won't discuss it with me. He then throws a piece of paper at me. he doesn't read it or talk about it. that's not normal. And he has been researching all this behind my back for more than 6 months...

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 08/05/2021 20:37

I think they way he's gone about it rings all sorts of alarm bells.

If he's asked your opinion and discussed it like an adult I'd be saying seriously consider it but you do t do anything you don't want to.

However with this sort of attitude, stonewalling etc I'd not consider moving so far and having no financial independence etc and especially not with schools he children

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 20:39

@plandereccorderant it isn't a package- he is a GP so working as a GP out there.

OP posts:

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/05/2021 20:42

Thanks for updates OP. That’s awful that he won’t talk about it with you. A sheet of paper with reasons should just be the starting point of a larger conversation. I agree with not going unless there is a firm return built in.

pallisers · 08/05/2021 20:44

Come on now. this isn't whether to go to a french or italian restaurant. it is moving to australia! I did emigrate to the US because dh needed to (pre kids) but if he now said to me "Lets discuss moving to australia, i've been talking to recruiters" i'd just laugh at him because yes I do have a divine right to unilaterally decide not to move myself and my children to australia.

Don't go OP. There was a fairly tragic thread here a few months ago by a woman who moved to NZ, her marriage was crap and she couldn't move home because she wouldn't be able to take her children back. and her husband was from NZ so there was some sense to the whole thing.

PlanDeRaccordement presumably your dh knew you were talking to recruiters even if he didn't know the specifics of every job (although why wouldn't you discuss this with your spouse)? I can see why your children didn't. if my dh rocked up with a firm offer having been in discussions about jobs all over the world without even telling me, I'd be pretty shocked.

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 20:46

It's not about Australia Per se, it's about him having a new obsession every few years and if I don't say yes, that's amazing, I will make it happen for you love (because he wants me to actually do the hard work) then he sulks and then a few years later blames me. I guess I can imagine him saying to DD when she was a teen, well I wanted to move to Australia but mummy wouldn't let us. He is an arse isn't he.

OP posts:

SmileyClare · 08/05/2021 20:50

give it some thought

That's well intentioned but it appears Op is in an abusive unstable relationship. He's been looking at flats to move into so they can split up for goodness sake. He sounds horribly cold and emotionally abusive Op.

Wigglefish123 · 08/05/2021 20:52

Why on earth would you have another child with this man? It just seems madness.....you quite rightly point out all his faults regarding obsessions and communication and then get pregnant!

Unbelievable

Triffid1 · 08/05/2021 20:55

A few years ago I was approached about a job in another UK city..... the very first thing I did was discuss it with DH. There was no point even exploring the opportunity if we weren't both willing to move.

For him to have been looking into this and researching it, behind your back for 6 months, is a massive red flag. And it's clear from your posts that there's a history of him doing/wanting things that you might not want and him being passive aggressive (at best) with you if you don't leap at the opportunity.

Badgerlock42 · 08/05/2021 20:56

YABU. If one of you wants something and the other doesn't then you should at least listen to what he has to say.

Ha ha ha @SonnyWinds, you may have missed the part where DH drops his bombshell, then refuses to discuss it as he prefers to get his own way by sulking.

Or the bit where he kicked off about needing to up sticks & move the entire family because he had ... wait for it ... a daily 8 mile commute ...

It's not the OP who's hard of listening here :)

Original poster

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 21:00

@wigglefish123 somehow I am feeling the same thing and hence the Pitt in my stomach. I thought we were doing fine eg him and I deciding to try for another child, his counselling appearing to work and us feeling quite settled.... and then I discover this. I'm only 5 weeks pregnant and haven't even told him yet and now he is putting up such a wall, how can I. It's a mess.

OP posts:

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