Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

[mimirouge]

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

[Ihatesalad]

Do listen OP— if it goes wrong it’s a very very expensive move to reverse unless you leave all your stuff in storage here and rent furnished — it’s not like trying Germany for a year etc —and if he didn’t want to come back you are in a funny position with the kids etc unless he agrees to you all moving back —

[mimirouge]

@bravegoldie I just found out I am pregnant last week! So very very early. Wanted to tell him and then he started huffing. This is a wanted child that he wanted and we talked about. I am not hiding it from him.

[billy1966]

OP,
He is utterly batshit.

A batshit sulking GP that behaves like a spoilt brat.

And you are having another child with this.

Just the type to move you to middle of nowhere, abandon you, but not allow you to leave with the children.

You sound very naive OP.

Your child needs you to be very wary of this batshit man.

[BraveGoldie]

I didn't suggest you don't want the baby or you didn't plan together. And congratulations

But it is undoubtedly a secret - a huge secret you are keeping from him that has massive impact on both of you and is especially relevant to the discussion about whether to move to Australia! A week is a long time. So you are being totally untransparent with him and uncommunicative with him about something huge that has actually happened.... all that might be ok, if you were not in parallel bitching about him not communicating with you and thinking things behind your back.....

[mimirouge]

Believe me, I have supported him in the past with leaving various decent jobs, career change, where he wanted to live etc, but I am exasperated now that he can't recognise and accept a good life. I can't keep chasing his 'happiness' when I believe happiness is a state of mind and having a positive attitude.

[sadie9]

These ideas are really ways that he can maintain the belief that he is a victim of life and is truly great and better than anyone else, only he is being 'held back' by others.

He knows full well you will stop him going to Australia so again he can achieve 'victim' status. He can achieve 'world's most suffering and downtrodden and misunderstood hero' status.

Don't be accepting emails of essays and outpouring of crap from him.
Tell him to communicate normally to you by speaking like a grown up.
If he's treating you and your daughter like shit at the dinner table you need to address that.
As soon as your daughter is out of earshot if it were me I'd be rounding on him to say very firmly and confidently 'How dare you treat me like that at dinner! Explain yourself. I deserve an apology. I won't be spoken to like that in my own house not by you, not by anyone!'.
You have to start calling him on it. You are part of this dynamic as well.

[AgentJohnson]

You’re treating him like he’s an impulsive teen, he isn’t, he’s a grown arse man with some serious issues. Yet you planned to have another child with him because you’ve convinced yourself that the non abusive version of him is waiting around the corner.

The relationship you have with your husband will be your children’s primary relationship role model. Is this the type of unpredictable dysfunction that you’d want for them? If it isn’t, for gods sake stop modelling it.

I suggest you embark on solo counselling because you’re as much a part of this cycle of dysfunction as he is.

[billy1966]

@AgentJohnson

You’re treating him like he’s an impulsive teen, he isn’t, he’s a grown arse man with some serious issues. Yet you planned to have another child with him because you’ve convinced yourself that the non abusive version of him is waiting around the corner.

The relationship you have with your husband will be your children’s primary relationship role model. Is this the type of unpredictable dysfunction that you’d want for them? If it isn’t, for gods sake stop modelling it.

I suggest you embark on solo counselling because you’re as much a part of this cycle of dysfunction as he is.

I couldn't agree more.

Poor children.

A sideshow to their batshit selfish father.

OP, you owe it to these poor children that you are insisting on having with this idiot to tell him to head off to Australia and leave your child to her good school.

To remove your child from their school in these circumstances on the whim of a batshit sulker would be disgraceful.

You need to stop pandering to him and prioritise your child.

[Whatonearth07957]

Grey rock. Act chirpy. Wait him out. Get busy planning what YOU want and prepare for it to be without him. If it's to stay put grey rock him all the way. If life gets unhappy prioritise yourself and your children. It's the only thing he will respect if you stop giving any credence to him. That's nice dear, maybe we can retire out there or [insert exotic not happening location] to distract.

[KarmaIsAnAngel]

You’ve known you were pregnant a week, after actively trying, and not told him.

He’s been applying for jobs on a different continent and not told you.

This is all very odd tbh. Not the kind of relationship most people would choose to bring a child into.

[callmeadoctor]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?msgid=96901519 This is the first thread I was talking about OP.