Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

[mimirouge]

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

[WandaLust101]

I can understand your reluctance to move abroad but I think this runs a little deeper than a mid-life crisis. Not everyone wants to live in the same place all of their lives. Living abroad can be such an exciting adventure - if you’re open to it. And there are excellent schools overseas so it’s not like your children would go without. It can be a really fantastic experience for them too.

The issue as I see it, is that you just don’t want to go. You are happy and content with how things are - but your partner is not.

I’m not sure I could stay with someone if our views on something like this were so mismatched. And I think the more you dig your heels in and say no, the more resentful he will end up feeling.

Having said all of that, it certainly isn’t fair to start making plans without consulting you or discussing them with you first.

I live overseas though so I’m biased in that way. But it seems to me that you are not compatible and perhaps you both need to think about what would be best for you both going forwards.

[Lullaby88]

You guys need to talk as a couple. A firm no will only make him want to go more. Gosh. See where he is coming from and then raise ur points. U could trial it as a long holiday. Imagine u end up loving life there? And if u really dislike it then u need to to make a pact that u will return back home. Shooting someones desire aint the best thing to do. Theres 2 people here. Not just u.

[alwayscrashinginthesamecar1]

I moved to Australia in my 40s, having never set foot in the place. I now live the Ramsey street dream, as a previous poster described it, with the big house and pool, and absolutely bloody love it, wish I'd moved here earlier! But I wouldn't move in your situation, Adelaide is nice but pretty small and if you are going rural/regional you might as well be moving to mars. Also, just a point of fact for those saying Australia is expensive, well yes it is but wages are high. If you live somewhere with reasonable house prices (not Sydney or Melbourne) chances are you will be a lot better off than in the UK. I'm in Perth and have a much higher standard of living than I had anywhere I lived in the UK or Ireland.

[MoppaSprings]

I love Adelaide and I have no regrets in moving here.
It was right for our family. Similarly my husband spoke to a recruiter and had something concrete lined up before letting me know the details. ( I was slightly annoyed but he figured no point getting hopes up or causing upset if nothing came of it).

If I said no we wouldn’t have gone.

I absolutely wouldn’t move in your position, my husband values my input and we are very much a team, from what you said your husband makes these impulsive descions a lot and expects you to make them happen for him.

If you want to know any pros and cons about Adelaide specifically then please feel free to ask.

[Milliepossum]

Your husband treats you and your daughter with contempt. The only times in my life when paper was thrown at me it was done by assholes. By isolating you in another country it will allow him to ramp up the abuse. Don’t do it OP. You’ll never forgive yourself for wrecking your and your daughters lives by removing access to established friends and relatives especially. Tell him to go by himself.

[MrMucker]

OP aside from the Australia thing, you don't show much regard for DH as a person at all. Your posts are a slow burn of consistent character decimation. Not only that, but you also say several times what he used to be bad at, yet has tried to address.
If you focus on the scenario in question, you ought to be able to look at the list and give clear and convincing counter arguments for each point.
But that does not come up in the thread-just politely and kindly tear him to shreds, his past, his present and his future. Because you've done it politely and kindly, you've managed to rustle up a lot of "wow, controlling bastard!!" type responses.
How would he feel if he read this thread?
Perhaps he knows you feel this way about him.
Perhaps that's why the list.

[Pyewackect]

I worked in Australia on a number of medical contracts but you wouldn’t get back there for all the tea in China. Just tell him it’s a no for you,

[groovergirl]

Another one here who thinks you should let your H go by himself. Frame it to him as letting him off the leash, allowing him to have his big adventure and get his restlessness out of his system. Wish him good luck and wave him off at the airport. Then get on with your life, your job, your family and friends.

I bet this job isn't actually in Adelaide. A year in some outback shithole might knock some sense into him and make him appreciate what he had in the UK.

I'm in Australia, btw. If you migrate here now, it will take you at least four years to qualify for citizenship, during which time your access to govt benefits will be extremely restricted. If your marriage breaks down, you'll be in dire straits. That's even if you do find a job of your own -- which is highly unlikely as you'll have a new baby. Nor will you be allowed to move with your DCs from Adelaide (or wherever H's job is) to another part of Australia without a court order. Example: H is in Whyalla (a mining town) so you and DCs will have to stay there too unless he gives you permission to leave and the Family Court agrees.

Stay where you are. Let him go.

Once he has gone, you will feel such relief.

OP, I was you eight years ago. Same sort of narc H. I let him go. Good decision.

[echt]

@MrMucker

OP aside from the Australia thing, you don't show much regard for DH as a person at all. Your posts are a slow burn of consistent character decimation. Not only that, but you also say several times what he used to be bad at, yet has tried to address.
If you focus on the scenario in question, you ought to be able to look at the list and give clear and convincing counter arguments for each point.
But that does not come up in the thread-just politely and kindly tear him to shreds, his past, his present and his future. Because you've done it politely and kindly, you've managed to rustle up a lot of "wow, controlling bastard!!" type responses.
How would he feel if he read this thread?
Perhaps he knows you feel this way about him.
Perhaps that's why the list.

Have you read the OP's updates? At all?

[echt]

Having read all the OP's updates:

None of this is about Australia, it's about the OP's DH's chronically restless nature. I am not discounting the particular issues with this wide brown land. I know, I live here and I love it , but your circumstances make it a very very questionable proposition.

He's a gigantic man child. Adelaide this year. What next?

You have a good deal in the UK, OP. Don't jack it in.

[CoalTit]

Adelaide is one of the most geographically isolated cities in the world. It's the closest city to the US military base that forms part of the US Five Eyes spy network, so companies such as Halliburton have a lot of interests there and provide a lot of the employment.
If you have a good job in the UK, maybe you can afford to be indignant rather than despondent when he behaves like this, and consider cutting him loose to pursue his new dream of escaping to the desert.

[Quincie]

There will be something from his childhood driving this. Always thinking the grass is greener, running away. And I would say it is something that the counselling didn't touch.
He needs to face his demons. And will need a lot of support to get the courage to do that.

[Maxiedog123]

If you come out to Australia to a remote area you would be very isolated and possibly unable to leave with the children if you separated. The distances can be huge in Australia so the nearest big town with a job for you could be 100s of km away depending on what you do
If you are a teacher or health professional you would probably be ok. That is one of the reasons it's hard to keep doc tors in rural towns in Australia as employment for their spouse can be difficult and once the kids get to high school age then generally people move to a city for their kids schooling.
Also it might be difficult to rake the children back to the UK if you split up.
My daughter had a friend whose mother was on that situation. She had come out with her parents, both health professional s when her Dad was offered a consultant post in one of our local hospitals. Her mum was a nurse and easily found work too. A couple of years later he had an affair and they had an acrimonious divorce. He only wanted EOW access to the kids, so she was left trying to juggle children and shift work with no family nearby. She wanted to go back to the UK to live near her family but the exH refused to allow her to take the kids and she was stuck in Australia

[RainyMayDay]

@pog100 Do not, under any circumstances, go to Australia, or anywhere else, with a man this unstable in his thinking

This! 1000%.

[Hazelnutlatteplease]

No because the Hague Convention. If you split up being away from support will be hell.

A theoretically better standard of living means nothing compared to being cut off from support networks and family if it all goes wrong. Emigration puts stress on the strongest of relationships, which this isnt.

No is sometimes a complete sentence.

[Wallywobbles]

Reasons not to go (I'm not sure of the validity of some of these-just impressions I've picked up but for him to disprove rather than you to prove).

You would not be able to work on the visa that's available to you as a trailing spouse

You would be unlikely to be able to buy out right

Your marriage is not in particularly good shape

He's not a particularly good or kind husband to go through something so hard with

The schooling in Australia is not known for its quality.

You would not be able to leave and take DC with you

Politically it's a shockingly poor place for women without pensions. Homelessness for women over 50'is thé worse in the world.

They don't encourage immigration at all.

Politics over there seems utterly mad although the CoVid situation was handled well.

You've never even been there (has he)? Why the fuck would anyone move to somewhere they've never even visited?

You'll not see family more than every couple of years. Very lonely. It's also not easy to make friends anywhere. How are you going to meet them with no job and your H. He's not going to facilitate it.

But he should absolutely be encouraged to go. ASAP.

And these are just my first thoughts.

[Maxiedog123]

If he is bored and unsatisfied with his current job maybe a year as an old-fashioned country doctor in rural Australia might be good for him, just don't go too

[timeisnotaline]

My piece of paper would be handed to him ASAP and it would say:
You Fucker. You selfish fucker. You lied to me that you were putting effort into being a decent human being for your family and now I am having a baby while weighing up our future. Move to Australia. Do whatever the fuck you want to. I’m not stopping you. I’m not the millstone around your neck you imagine. You and your habit of setting up stupid scenarios where I’m the barrier blocking you from happiness are the millstone around our family’s neck and what’s holding us back from happy family life. Don’t turn up to dinner, there won’t be a plate for a selfish sulking fucker.

I’m in australia and love it, but I would tear my husband a new one for a shitty ‘plan’ like this.

[Wallywobbles]

Id say ok you go. If in 6 months you still want to stay you can start looking for a house to buy outright, a job for me to walk into and an outstanding school that'll accept Dd on a scholarship we will agree to move for a 6 month trial on the understanding that there is a legally binding document saying I can leave and bring the kids back at the end of 6 months.

Until you can meet those conditions it's a no fir me and DD making any such commitment.

[MoppaSprings]

You would not be able to work on the visa that's available to you as a trailing spouse

@Wallywobbles I came over as a trailing spouse on a temporary 482 visa and had unrestricted ability to work.
So this would depend entirely on which visa you go for.

[MayorGoodwaysChicken]

@timeisnotaline

My piece of paper would be handed to him ASAP and it would say:
You Fucker. You selfish fucker. You lied to me that you were putting effort into being a decent human being for your family and now I am having a baby while weighing up our future. Move to Australia. Do whatever the fuck you want to. I’m not stopping you. I’m not the millstone around your neck you imagine. You and your habit of setting up stupid scenarios where I’m the barrier blocking you from happiness are the millstone around our family’s neck and what’s holding us back from happy family life. Don’t turn up to dinner, there won’t be a plate for a selfish sulking fucker.

I’m in australia and love it, but I would tear my husband a new one for a shitty ‘plan’ like this.

This, tell him exactly this! Don’t allow him to cast you in the millstone role. He is one of those dissatisfied middle aged men who will constantly chase one dream after another and trying to keep up with him will make you and your daughter miserable. Turn the tables and make it clear that you have dreams for your family future and he is the road bump in the way with his current behaviour.

It doesn’t say a lot that you haven’t told him you’re pregnant. No way could I have kept that quiet from my husband, in no close marriage is that news you deliver to your husband days or weeks after you find out.

[daisychain01]

While he's away, sell up & move back near your folks.

@Badgerlock42 the OP can't just "sell up" without her DHs consent if the house is in both name.

[Theredjellybean]

Why do you get sympathy for unilaterally saying no, and he is the bad guy for saying go.?
Genuine question..
So you know he struggles with communication, he obvs finds it easier to write things down. So he wrote a list... I can't see that as abuse or gaslighting or whatever.
He was excited about the idea and your response I guess was not what he hoped for.. So he reacted badly. OK, I agree emotionally immature but you know what he is like op... You married him, stayed with him and now having another baby with him.

Just because you like your stable, comfortable life it doesn't mean that he does... Maybe he does crave change and has whims and wants to mix things up every few years.. I'd be bored rigid if by mid forties i had stable safe life with no adventures ahead.
The problem is a basic difference in personality and what or how you want your lives to be.
I think that's the conversation you need to have... You will never be happy with the lifestyle he wants and vice versa

[NeilBuchananisBanksy]

You aren't wrong not to want to move op.

But I cannot believe you have been trying for another baby with this man.

You know your marriage is in dire straights and you call him a narcissist. This is without all the Oz stuff.

Your poor children.

[Shehasadiamondinthesky]

I'm really not sure I could live with a man who behaves like this. I'd rather have peace of mind and less money.