Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

[mimirouge]

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

[callmeadoctor]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution?msgid=96901519 This is the first thread I was talking about OP.

[KarmaIsAnAngel]

You’ve known you were pregnant a week, after actively trying, and not told him.

He’s been applying for jobs on a different continent and not told you.

This is all very odd tbh. Not the kind of relationship most people would choose to bring a child into.

[Whatonearth07957]

Grey rock. Act chirpy. Wait him out. Get busy planning what YOU want and prepare for it to be without him. If it's to stay put grey rock him all the way. If life gets unhappy prioritise yourself and your children. It's the only thing he will respect if you stop giving any credence to him. That's nice dear, maybe we can retire out there or [insert exotic not happening location] to distract.

[billy1966]

@AgentJohnson

You’re treating him like he’s an impulsive teen, he isn’t, he’s a grown arse man with some serious issues. Yet you planned to have another child with him because you’ve convinced yourself that the non abusive version of him is waiting around the corner.

The relationship you have with your husband will be your children’s primary relationship role model. Is this the type of unpredictable dysfunction that you’d want for them? If it isn’t, for gods sake stop modelling it.

I suggest you embark on solo counselling because you’re as much a part of this cycle of dysfunction as he is.

I couldn't agree more.

Poor children.

A sideshow to their batshit selfish father.

OP, you owe it to these poor children that you are insisting on having with this idiot to tell him to head off to Australia and leave your child to her good school.

To remove your child from their school in these circumstances on the whim of a batshit sulker would be disgraceful.

You need to stop pandering to him and prioritise your child.

[AgentJohnson]

You’re treating him like he’s an impulsive teen, he isn’t, he’s a grown arse man with some serious issues. Yet you planned to have another child with him because you’ve convinced yourself that the non abusive version of him is waiting around the corner.

The relationship you have with your husband will be your children’s primary relationship role model. Is this the type of unpredictable dysfunction that you’d want for them? If it isn’t, for gods sake stop modelling it.

I suggest you embark on solo counselling because you’re as much a part of this cycle of dysfunction as he is.

[sadie9]

These ideas are really ways that he can maintain the belief that he is a victim of life and is truly great and better than anyone else, only he is being 'held back' by others.

He knows full well you will stop him going to Australia so again he can achieve 'victim' status. He can achieve 'world's most suffering and downtrodden and misunderstood hero' status.

Don't be accepting emails of essays and outpouring of crap from him.
Tell him to communicate normally to you by speaking like a grown up.
If he's treating you and your daughter like shit at the dinner table you need to address that.
As soon as your daughter is out of earshot if it were me I'd be rounding on him to say very firmly and confidently 'How dare you treat me like that at dinner! Explain yourself. I deserve an apology. I won't be spoken to like that in my own house not by you, not by anyone!'.
You have to start calling him on it. You are part of this dynamic as well.

[mimirouge]

Believe me, I have supported him in the past with leaving various decent jobs, career change, where he wanted to live etc, but I am exasperated now that he can't recognise and accept a good life. I can't keep chasing his 'happiness' when I believe happiness is a state of mind and having a positive attitude.

[BraveGoldie]

I didn't suggest you don't want the baby or you didn't plan together. And congratulations

But it is undoubtedly a secret - a huge secret you are keeping from him that has massive impact on both of you and is especially relevant to the discussion about whether to move to Australia! A week is a long time. So you are being totally untransparent with him and uncommunicative with him about something huge that has actually happened.... all that might be ok, if you were not in parallel bitching about him not communicating with you and thinking things behind your back.....

[billy1966]

OP,
He is utterly batshit.

A batshit sulking GP that behaves like a spoilt brat.

And you are having another child with this.

Just the type to move you to middle of nowhere, abandon you, but not allow you to leave with the children.

You sound very naive OP.

Your child needs you to be very wary of this batshit man.

[mimirouge]

@bravegoldie I just found out I am pregnant last week! So very very early. Wanted to tell him and then he started huffing. This is a wanted child that he wanted and we talked about. I am not hiding it from him.

[Ihatesalad]

Do listen OP— if it goes wrong it’s a very very expensive move to reverse unless you leave all your stuff in storage here and rent furnished — it’s not like trying Germany for a year etc —and if he didn’t want to come back you are in a funny position with the kids etc unless he agrees to you all moving back —

[Simplelifecoming]

@Ihatesalad you've beaten me, only 15 moves in 28 years

To other PPs who talk about partners who are never satisfied, mine is like that. We lived in lots of places that I really liked, where I had jobs that I loved and friends and we moved and moved again because the next place and job would be fantastic (for him) and we'd be so much happier. I supported him every time as I wanted him to be happy but I came to realise that he will never be happy. Now he is moving across the country again, only this time without me as I've had enough.

[Lilyargin]

I did this - kind of coerced into going and it went badly wrong. He had an affair with someone he met out there and I had to uproot the children again and return to the U.K. I had a nice time for a bit but it didn’t do my career any good, missed my family and ultimately it involved a lot of heartache. Learned to trust my gut feeling after this (well, sort of!). Listen to yours.

[Glitterbaby17]

I moved with my Australian DH to Aus 3 years ago and our relationship has/had many of the issues you’ve raised with yours. Don’t do it. His behaviour got worse as I was further from family and friends and I’m now trying to move us all back to the U.K. it’s a nightmare with child custody etc

[rainbowstardrops]

I'd encourage him to go and try it for himself to see if he likes it. Hopefully he'd stay there!

[Zzelda]

He may get paid more in Australia, but it won't benefit him as prices are so much higher.

From what you say about him, the main mystery is why you are still with him. Maybe offer to do one last piece of organising for him, i.e. arranging his one-way ticket to travel to Australia on his own?

[BraveGoldie]

I am sorry I am not reading this like most people....

OP accusing him of thinking about Australia behind her back, but is pregnant and hasn't told him.

She accuses him about not caring what she thinks but talks desipisingly and dismissively about his idea, which loads of people seriously consider and many are very happy doing. No reason it's a stupid idea, other than the relationship being poor.

She complains that he refused to talk to her through dinner, but was clearly verbally challenging him in a potentially big issue in front of their young daughter - a totally inappropriate time to talk.

She says he thinks she is 'crap' and complains he may be bitching about her to his therapist. Yet she is slagging him off on the internet and clearly hasn't any respect or liking for him. (I am not an expert but a number of the behaviours actually sound like mildly non-typical thinking - like writing lists and working things out in his head before communicating - they also sound like a legitimate technique to avoid him saying things he may regret or to overcome the fear that what he says will be distorted or escalated (perhaps a learning from his therapy?) OP has every right to not want to live with these things, but the despising tone feels misplaced.

He is the one who is choosing to go to therapy and trying to reflect and improve on himself. No sign of such reflection on the part of the OP.

There is also clear drip feed to share vague and one-sided stuff to make him out as the bad guy. And Mumsnet is always very quick to pattern recognise (or mis-recognise) an abusive bastard who we should all pore scorn on. It is a lovely reinforcement for an OP who already feels self-righteous and despising towards a partner.

OP has zero respect for her partner, and it's clearly not a good match. I am sure it's a terrible idea to go to Australia. I don't know what's going on here - maybe he is terrible and she's a saint....But I'm not sure this is such a one-sided disaster.

[CliffsofMohair]

@smeerf

Eek no way in hell. Hague Convention for one.

Hague Convention all the way. Close friend could not leave and raised her 3 DC as a single parent because husband fucked off not long after they arrived

[HoppingPavlova]

I’m Australian and will add, fucked if I would go to Adelaide. Sydney, yes. Melbourne, yes. Perth, potentially. Adelaide, a hard no. I’m sure there will be someone along to sing it’s praises but most of us in the same country wouldn’t live there.

[OVienna]

I would not even consider a move to Adelaide for the reasons the Australians on this thread, particularly those with knowledge of the location and medical profession, note.

[CutieBear]

Why did you have another DC with a man who abuses you and your DD? This doesn’t sound like a healthy compatible relationship. You don’t sound happy and safe. Moving to the other side of the world would only make you less safe.

[RunnerDown]

[quote mimirouge]@sonnywinds maybe because of the way he stonewalls, gaslights and refuses to discuss things. Maybe the way he has a new obsession every few years. Id say moving across the world is a pretty big decision... it's not really something one can compromise on. He has a history of being dissatisfied with life eg having done many degrees/different jobs and giving up when things get tough.[/quote]
Becoming a GP takes at least 10 years - most of them pretty tough. You can go into medicine from school or following another degree - but you would have to have achieved a great mark in that degree. So your comment about many degrees and giving up when things get tough doesn’t make sense.
I also wondered what a covert narcissist was.

[HaveringWavering]

As your DH is a high earner and you have managed to get discounted school fees, is DD in receipt of an academic scholarship?