Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

[mimirouge]

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

[Badgerlock42]

You guys need to talk as a couple. A firm no will only make him want to go more. Gosh. See where he is coming from and then raise ur points. U could trial it as a long holiday. Imagine u end up loving life there? And if u really dislike it then u need to to make a pact that u will return back home. Shooting someones desire aint the best thing to do. Theres 2 people here. Not just u

For crying out loud, before penning that scolding little diatribe, did you not read any of OP's increasing frustration about her DH REFUSING to talk about it, despite her attempts to do so, @Lullaby88?

& you're fine with DH announcing Australia & "shooting someone's desire" (OP's) to stay in UK where she a paid-up mortgage, security & family - but OP ought to embrace the idea?

Would YOU move to the other side of the world, just because somebody told you this was their latest haire-brained scheme (which they have form for then doing sod-all about making a reality?)

And what the heck's this about "There are 2 people here"?
There are THREE people here, one of them being OP's DD - a child who DH regularly either shouts at or ignores.

What part of that child being stuck in Oz with an angry, abusive father & no other family or friends apart from an equaly poorly treated mother, do you imagine is going to be good for her?

[HaveringWavering]

I’m intrigued that he has had “lots of different degrees and careers” yet he’s a GP- that’s not the sort of job you end up in after flitting around aimlessly and takes a lot of study. I don’t disbelieve you OP, just curious-has he only been a GP for a short time despite his age?

[Booboobadoo]

This thread is bonkers. OP should be leaving her abusive, narcissistic husband, not moving to Australia with him!

[midsomermurderess]

Your relationship sounds rackety even without this idea and you are clearly very angry and resentful towards him. Also, is an amateur diagnosis of a major personality disorder helpful?
If things are so bad, why are you having another child? The whole thing sounds like a sorry mess and you are a party to it.

[Badgerlock42]

@Badgerlock42 the OP can't just "sell up" without her DHs consent if the house is in both name.

Slightly tongue-in-cheek @daisychain01, as I would bet a substantial sum that DH won't go without OP.
Who would he be able to blame, shout at or ignore, without her as his scapegoat?

[Meruem]

I can be that person that has random ideas of going off and doing something. Lots of times it does come to nothing because when I look further into it, it’s not feasible. However, my DC are adults and I have no partner, so my ideas/decisions affect me alone. When you do have a partner and young children, then you can’t just decide by yourself you want to go and do something. You have to consider the whole family.

It’s not like this man has had a burning desire for the past 20 years to live in Australia. It’s something he’s decided on a whim because he wants a change. I do understand that feeling, being a bit like that myself. But he won’t find what he’s looking for and will soon get fed up there too.

[Fyredraca]

Do you realise that if they go and she wants to come back and he doesn't then she will have to stay? And Adelaide is not like Sydney or Melbourne

[Fyredraca]

That was for @Lullaby88

[HaveringWavering]

It doesn’t say a lot that you haven’t told him you’re pregnant. No way could I have kept that quiet from my husband, in no close marriage is that news you deliver to your husband days or weeks after you find out.

Yea, there seems to be a really weird disconnect here between trying for a baby but not telling your husband the second you get a positive test. I know that 5 weeks pregnant is only your period being 1 week late but he’s a GP, he will understand cycles, has he not asked?

[TheSockMonster]

Nothing thing wrong with having secret obsessions, so long as you don’t expect everyone else to go along with them.

I think you’re doing the right thing OP. Sounds like he enjoys the daydreaming stage of doing something and it will never happen anyway. I would enthusiastically offer lip service to the idea whilst refusing to do any of the legwork.

I had an ex who was chronically dissatisfied with life. Eventually, in his attempts to discover the reason for the hole inside of him, he decided our relationship was what was holding him back. I grabbed the out with both hands (I’d felt too guilty to leave him prior to this) and ran for the hills. Obviously he was back 3 weeks later, but no chance! He is mid 40s now and still flitting aimlessly from one distraction to the next. He’s a nice person, but I thank my lucky stars I got out when I did.

[wizzywig]

Op my dh is similar and a gp. One big dream after another, sulks over how his life isn't insta perfect. He too would never actually do it, just dreams and gets moody because I dont do the clapping seal thing

[caringcarer]

I was shocked to read your DH wants to leave a mortgage free house, discounted school fees for dd and secure jobs to move to a continent half way around the world. If he did not not have.much to loose I'd say sure give it s go but really he sounds insane. I would be staying put with dd and planning on birth in UK. If he wants to risk everything fine let him go alone. Thank goodness your dd has one normal, same parent to give her stability. Does your DH have mental health issues?

[HaveringWavering]

As your DH is a high earner and you have managed to get discounted school fees, is DD in receipt of an academic scholarship?

[RunnerDown]

[quote mimirouge]@sonnywinds maybe because of the way he stonewalls, gaslights and refuses to discuss things. Maybe the way he has a new obsession every few years. Id say moving across the world is a pretty big decision... it's not really something one can compromise on. He has a history of being dissatisfied with life eg having done many degrees/different jobs and giving up when things get tough.[/quote]
Becoming a GP takes at least 10 years - most of them pretty tough. You can go into medicine from school or following another degree - but you would have to have achieved a great mark in that degree. So your comment about many degrees and giving up when things get tough doesn’t make sense.
I also wondered what a covert narcissist was.

[CutieBear]

Why did you have another DC with a man who abuses you and your DD? This doesn’t sound like a healthy compatible relationship. You don’t sound happy and safe. Moving to the other side of the world would only make you less safe.

[OVienna]

I would not even consider a move to Adelaide for the reasons the Australians on this thread, particularly those with knowledge of the location and medical profession, note.

[HoppingPavlova]

I’m Australian and will add, fucked if I would go to Adelaide. Sydney, yes. Melbourne, yes. Perth, potentially. Adelaide, a hard no. I’m sure there will be someone along to sing it’s praises but most of us in the same country wouldn’t live there.

[CliffsofMohair]

@smeerf

Eek no way in hell. Hague Convention for one.

Hague Convention all the way. Close friend could not leave and raised her 3 DC as a single parent because husband fucked off not long after they arrived

[BraveGoldie]

I am sorry I am not reading this like most people....

OP accusing him of thinking about Australia behind her back, but is pregnant and hasn't told him.

She accuses him about not caring what she thinks but talks desipisingly and dismissively about his idea, which loads of people seriously consider and many are very happy doing. No reason it's a stupid idea, other than the relationship being poor.

She complains that he refused to talk to her through dinner, but was clearly verbally challenging him in a potentially big issue in front of their young daughter - a totally inappropriate time to talk.

She says he thinks she is 'crap' and complains he may be bitching about her to his therapist. Yet she is slagging him off on the internet and clearly hasn't any respect or liking for him. (I am not an expert but a number of the behaviours actually sound like mildly non-typical thinking - like writing lists and working things out in his head before communicating - they also sound like a legitimate technique to avoid him saying things he may regret or to overcome the fear that what he says will be distorted or escalated (perhaps a learning from his therapy?) OP has every right to not want to live with these things, but the despising tone feels misplaced.

He is the one who is choosing to go to therapy and trying to reflect and improve on himself. No sign of such reflection on the part of the OP.

There is also clear drip feed to share vague and one-sided stuff to make him out as the bad guy. And Mumsnet is always very quick to pattern recognise (or mis-recognise) an abusive bastard who we should all pore scorn on. It is a lovely reinforcement for an OP who already feels self-righteous and despising towards a partner.

OP has zero respect for her partner, and it's clearly not a good match. I am sure it's a terrible idea to go to Australia. I don't know what's going on here - maybe he is terrible and she's a saint....But I'm not sure this is such a one-sided disaster.

[Zzelda]

He may get paid more in Australia, but it won't benefit him as prices are so much higher.

From what you say about him, the main mystery is why you are still with him. Maybe offer to do one last piece of organising for him, i.e. arranging his one-way ticket to travel to Australia on his own?

[rainbowstardrops]

I'd encourage him to go and try it for himself to see if he likes it. Hopefully he'd stay there!

[Glitterbaby17]

I moved with my Australian DH to Aus 3 years ago and our relationship has/had many of the issues you’ve raised with yours. Don’t do it. His behaviour got worse as I was further from family and friends and I’m now trying to move us all back to the U.K. it’s a nightmare with child custody etc

[Lilyargin]

I did this - kind of coerced into going and it went badly wrong. He had an affair with someone he met out there and I had to uproot the children again and return to the U.K. I had a nice time for a bit but it didn’t do my career any good, missed my family and ultimately it involved a lot of heartache. Learned to trust my gut feeling after this (well, sort of!). Listen to yours.

[Simplelifecoming]

@Ihatesalad you've beaten me, only 15 moves in 28 years

To other PPs who talk about partners who are never satisfied, mine is like that. We lived in lots of places that I really liked, where I had jobs that I loved and friends and we moved and moved again because the next place and job would be fantastic (for him) and we'd be so much happier. I supported him every time as I wanted him to be happy but I came to realise that he will never be happy. Now he is moving across the country again, only this time without me as I've had enough.