Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

[mimirouge]

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

[Isthisit22]

This is really not about a move to Australia.
It's about an awful, selfish man who you acknowledge doesn't seem happy with his life. You say he's been looking to move out for two years but then you've actively got pregnant?
He's given you anxiety and shouts at/ gives the silent treatment to your daughter.
Please think about the harm you are doing to yourself and your children staying with this pathetic, selfish-centred man

[Fitforforty]

[quote mimirouge]@toocold54 basically he used to loose his temper loads, swear at me and DD and be basically not very nice. I think it stemmed from his mother being a narcissist and him not being able to communicate. He started having counselling and then seemed a bit better but still unable to communicate properly. I would try to talk and be told that he was too busy or tired etc. He wouldn't have difficult conversations telling me he would write down his response which I would then get weeks later. He is very difficult to live with. However, we had been discussing some home improvements, he had been researching a new car and we were trying for a baby hence why when stuff like this happens it completely boggles me. It's like he has two lives in his head... he has been thinking all this family stuff whilst also pursuing moving abroad or looking at flats to rent so he can 'have space'.

He isn't a bad dad per se and he could be a great husband but he allows his emotional unavailability to affect everything. He probably doesn't mind moving as he has no friends where we live despite having lived her over 10 years.[/quote]
Please re read your post. You start by describing your partner as verbally abusing your child and end by saying he is not a bad Dad. He is a bad Dad. A good Dad does not abuse their child.

[mimirouge]

@universalaunt thank you to everyone who has offered different thoughts on the situation. I think I am going to suggest he does the sabbatical (that was he can return) and I don't need to go. It's just too much of a risk to Jack in everything good for an pie in the sky dream that Australia is the answer.

I probably won't write any more on the matter now.

[Bleachmycloths]

DO. NOT.GO.

[harknesswitch]

despite all this... I'm not sure he would actually move. He never actually takes initiative on making something happen... part of me thinks he wants me to say no and then he can blame me for messing up his life

I missed this earlier, my ex was like this, all these grand ideas but wanted me to arrange and do it all for him to make it happen.

I eventually twigged if I simply said 'yes love we'll do this, but you need to sort everything out because I'm too busy/you need to take responsibility for it (or some other thing), he'd be all excited, but never actually make it happen. But he couldn't later blame me for it not happening, One of ours was moving to the Isle of Man so not as far as Australia

[Thewinterofdiscontent]

What happens when you point out his poor behaviour? If my son had asked why daddy wasn’t talking I’d have told him that he’s sulking so he gets attention. And then ignored him.
Attack is the best defence.
Challenge his behaviour. Remind him he has no friends or hobbies here so why would Australia be any different? Point out that running away never works if the problem is you.
He sounds really hard work, you put up with a lot.

[sunshinepunch]

What visa would he go on? Anything but a permant resident visa is extremely risky.

[callmeadoctor]

Does anyone remember a poster who moved to Oz with her DH whose family were giving him their business? It was all a pack of lies and last I heard was that they had separated but she couldn't fetch the kids home (boy and a girl if I recall). Think the poster was a writer or journalist? Anyone remember it?

[sunshinepunch]

In a non- pandemic world I would say come for a visit first. It's not the same as living in a different country, not at all but would give you an idea if it's something you might consider.

It's a MASSIVE upheaval. Take an estimate, and times it by ten.

[billy1966]

@callmeadoctor

Does anyone remember a poster who moved to Oz with her DH whose family were giving him their business? It was all a pack of lies and last I heard was that they had separated but she couldn't fetch the kids home (boy and a girl if I recall). Think the poster was a writer or journalist? Anyone remember it?

Yes I do.
It was to NZ.

@pictish and me were remembering her recently.

Poor woman.
Sold a pup by a liar.

[sunshinepunch]

I'm not well informed with the taking children back out of Australia once you've moved them, but if both parents and kids were on a temporary Australian visa and the kids had citizenship elsewhere (for example british) would the Australian government really be able to stop children being taken back to the country they have citizenship with?

Wow. I had no idea. I knew it would be the case where one parent was an Australian citizen but didn't realise it applied also to temporary visa holders with children holding other country citizenships.

[Flydesk]

Does he even want to go really? Sounds to me like a middle aged man who is fed up with his life and you’ve just burst his little fantasy bubble. I’d not move across the world with a man who just wants to escape. He’d not be happy there either.

[LaLaLandIsNoFun]

I had one of these. We moved 3 times in 5.5 years. 1st time because it was absolutely necessary we bought a house - which was a house that had nothing done to it since it had been built in the 70’s and it was now 2005.

The second time was because we had to move to the mid-West: he’d not been getting along with his boss - that was the root cause - that was less than 2 years after the house purchase and it was a lateral move, no promotion and exactly same role - but is was an AMAZIN career opportunity.

The third time (less than 3 years later) was because he’d had a fantastic career opportunity (yet another lateral move - but an AMAZING career opportunity) half way across the world.

And then he left me in my home country 10 months later and ran off back to his home country (he’d been having an online affair) quit his AMAZING CAREER that he’d demanded his family sacrifice everything for.

Fuck that shit.

[BilboBercow]

OP you haven't said why you want to stay married to this man who you say can't communicate and describe as a covertly narcissist.

[candycane222]

Baffled by the people saying 'give it a go' or 'at least think about it' as if it was buying an electric car or something.

If he had said to her before he even applied for the job 'you know, Ive heard thet GP jobs in Australia are really good, could we look into it TOGETHER?' then yes, respond with 'I really don't want to move, I think we have a great life here, how might it be better for me?' and see how the conversation unfolded. She would get to put all her thoughts into the discussion, he would get to hear all the potential downsides for the various people affected, snd they could BOTH TOGETHER either get really fired up and on board with a JOINT PLAN. Or not.

But it is very obvious this is not how this marriage (if you can call it that) operates.

Op has been set up by her h to be the 'obstacle to his (imaginary, untethered from any actual experience of Australia) future happiness. Her happiness hasn't entered the equation at all.

This is not about what's good for yhe family. Because the family hasn't been in any way part of the deliberations.

I really couldn't live like this. What's next? "We're moving to Mars"?

[Fyredraca]

@sunshinepunch yes, many women are trapped abroad. It's the Hague Convention.
You can be accused of abduction if you try to leave without the agreement of the other parent.
This is why if there's kids in the mix you don't agree to try it unless you have a rock solid relationship and you all want to go.
Emigrating is HARD and with this guy OP would be crazy to agree to this.

[sunshinepunch]

@Fyredraca wow. I had no idea it would apply where parents were on temporary visas and children were citizens of other counties.

Understood it applied to where one or parent were an Australian citizen.

[Fyredraca]

Nothing to do with citizenship or visa type.

[sunshinepunch]

And OP I'm definitely not saying go for it, more if you wanted to, a visit first is always a good option if possible.

[StayingHere]

Stand your ground. Moving countries is emotionally difficult. I have been following my DH round the world (with kids) for the last 6 years and I'm thoroughly sick of it. It's stalled my own career and I have taken the emotional load every time of setting kids to schools, packing and logistics etc. It has made our marriage difficult at times. Don't get me wrong I have had a great time abroad and had some experiences that I never could have imagined, but I am really looking forward to moving home in June and I've insisted that we're not doing anymore. You sound like you have a good and happy life. Stay where you are.

[SelkieWings]

A desire for stability is a really normal thing.
I would be quite unapologetic about desiring stability myself, I enjoy it all the more now having experience a lack of stability and security. It's a good thing and it doesn't hold you back. The most artistic and creative burst I had ever had was just after I heard I was permanent at work!

[VenusTiger]

I'm getting the impression he's made a child-like 'reasons for wanting a dog' list as he knows you'll say no straight away? Have you even discussed it with him OP?

[SelkieWings]

I agree that telling him about the baby could distract him, but if he doesn't react in a supportive way, I wouldn't rule out a termination tbh. All the more reason to bring it up soon.

I agree that it's ridiculous to want to relocate to Australia without ever of you having been there! That is crazy. Some people don't like it. The wildlife, the heat. The fact that they still needed to bring out the bins and couldn't afford to live near anywhere nice.

He should know what @Maxiedog123 posted there upthread. That is very important information. Is that his dream? Being a gp in an under privileged area?

[HaveringWavering]

@callmeadoctor

Does anyone remember a poster who moved to Oz with her DH whose family were giving him their business? It was all a pack of lies and last I heard was that they had separated but she couldn't fetch the kids home (boy and a girl if I recall). Think the poster was a writer or journalist? Anyone remember it?

It was New Zealand. It was linked in a more recent thread. The issue there was more around the husband’s behaviour when back with his family, but the OP did also hate the life there and had given up a good career in London. They did separate and it was a real mess but I think she was still there when the thread ended.

[SelkieWings]

Also, be really clear that you're happy, and happy here, so why would you spend all your free time researching this!

He wants you to research, facilitate and execute his dream. When you're happy in your own life.