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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

187 replies

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 19:02

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

OP posts:

Report

Badgerlock42 · 08/05/2021 21:01

it's not really something one can compromise on
And yet you're demanding he compromise without even discussing it ...and somehow you're the victim of him daring to have an opinion.

refuses to discuss things
He wrote a damn list to discuss it and you just refused to listen. That's YOU refusing to discuss things.
I'm sorry, given that we've only heard your version of events, it still sounds to me like you're the problem.

Great stuff @SonnyWinds, maybe YOU should emigrate with this DH.
You seem to share a similar communication style, so you could end up very happy together.

Wot? - you're not even gonna consider it?
After I took the trouble to write it down & everything?!
How unreasonable of you!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 21:04

I'd be divorced from him soon. If the pregnancy was early, I'd no longer be pregnant. But I'd NEVER fucking EVER move to Adelaide with him.

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 21:06

In the past I used to suffer from anxiety, possibly linked to his unpredictable behavior. Now, I feel much less anxious because I have developed more confidence in what is normal and what is not normal but I probably feel more sad for my DH than he cannot communicate and is so emotionally shut down. I have no reason to believe he will be any happier in Australia but he has got it into his mind that he will. He always runs away from his problems.

OP posts:

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 21:09

@mimirouge

In the past I used to suffer from anxiety, possibly linked to his unpredictable behavior. Now, I feel much less anxious because I have developed more confidence in what is normal and what is not normal but I probably feel more sad for my DH than he cannot communicate and is so emotionally shut down. I have no reason to believe he will be any happier in Australia but he has got it into his mind that he will. He always runs away from his problems.

You would be a total fool to move to Australia with this man. And potentially lose custody of your daughter. It's a non-starter. It's your decision but I wouldn't bring another child into this, personally.

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 21:16

And as predicted, he is now sulking in the spare room. We've not had a discussion - I told him I wasn't keep on moving across the world for no good reason and he can't hack that. Ffs

OP posts:

thenewduchessofhastings · 08/05/2021 21:17

@mimirouge

I'm so sorry to say this but you're only 5 weeks along and your husband is a emotionally unavailable narcissistic arsehole who verbally abused you and your daughter.I'd seriously consider if going through with this pregnancy and tying yourself to this man for another 18 years is what you really want.

I'm going to hazard a guess he won't be pleased you're pregnant.

Glowbuggy · 08/05/2021 21:27

Don’t even consider it. I lived in Adelaide for six months and it was AWFUL. Back in Melbourne now, we’re both originally from UK and would prefer to be there. But I’d prefer to be anyway than back in Adelaide.

Glowbuggy · 08/05/2021 21:27

*anywhere

SmileyClare · 08/05/2021 21:29

The fact that you can't tell him your pregnant says it all. He agreed to have another child together but presumably you're walking on eggshells terrified of his reaction (sulking, twisting things on you, cutting you off emotionally).

I'm so sorry you're being treated this way, and almost conditioned to accept it. And he's a GP? Fuck me I hope I'm never one of his patients. He appears to have the empathy of a rock.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 21:32

@mimirouge

And as predicted, he is now sulking in the spare room. We've not had a discussion - I told him I wasn't keep on moving across the world for no good reason and he can't hack that. Ffs

I think you should go further and move out right here. He's awful.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 21:34

@SmileyClare

The fact that you can't tell him your pregnant says it all. He agreed to have another child together but presumably you're walking on eggshells terrified of his reaction (sulking, twisting things on you, cutting you off emotionally).

I'm so sorry you're being treated this way, and almost conditioned to accept it. And he's a GP? Fuck me I hope I'm never one of his patients. He appears to have the empathy of a rock.

Oh, there's a lot of people like that in positions like his. We had one who had wanted to be an evangelical preacher but his wife talked him into being a GP. He was dire as a GP.

Rainbowqueeen · 08/05/2021 21:34

I know someone similar. Also will never be happy. Continual grand plans that suit him and him alone and sulking.
Think hard about your future with this man

rumred · 08/05/2021 21:36

It sounds like you don't know each other very well.
I wouldn't want a child with someone so erratic and with whom I could not communicate well.
I could be wrong obviously but you sound like you're miles apart

Beancounter1 · 08/05/2021 21:38

Never mind Australia, as you say he won't make it happen, he will just leave it to you, so it's not going to happen.

Instead, focus on this pregnancy. Do you want this baby, even if you split up? Even if you stay together? Do you want this baby in all circumstances?

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 21:38

@glowbuggy I know it can be hard to describe, but was here anything in particular you disliked about Adelaide?

OP posts:

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 21:39

@beancounter1 yes I absolutely want this baby.

OP posts:

crosshatching · 08/05/2021 21:40

Anywhere he goes there he'll be. If it was a corporate placement for a set period of time it would be worth it. Emigrating on a whim is a different thing altogether.

MiddlesexGirl · 08/05/2021 21:43

Sounds to me like OP knows her partner only too well. But that's fortunate because it means she knows it would be foolish to follow him to Australia. Unfortunately she now has the minefield of navigating his reaction to being told that she won't go.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/05/2021 21:44

I would outright refuse, his behaviour is far too erratic to move to Australia, it would be an utter disaster.
God why can't they bloody grow up?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 08/05/2021 21:47

He's a GP? Bloody hell.

AliceMcK · 08/05/2021 21:49

I’m confused about a few things. You asked him in front of your DD and both demanded answers? Surely it should be a conversation for the 2 of you alone.

What’s the issue with moving! You say you will be happy to move elsewhere in the UK, as long as it’s closer to your parents. You also refused to move the last time he asked you to move, even though it was in the uk.

Have you actually thought about the job, what life in Australia can offer? You say it’s a whim but he’s obviously not been happy living where you are for a while as he’s made requests to move in the past. I don’t understand why it’s a whim if he’s outlines his reasons wanting to move.

It actually sounds like it’s your way or no way... your comment that why can’t he accept that your not crap, there seems more than your saying.

I’m not saying he should have kept his conversations from you, but he sounds like he’s been trying to get the facts in place so he can answer any questions you have.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 08/05/2021 21:51

So sad, a child being brought into this dysfunctional relationship with a woman who's been conditioned to the father's abuse .

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luckylavender · 08/05/2021 21:51

I'm not so sure you could move to Australia now

mimirouge · 08/05/2021 22:02

@aliceMkc the last time he wanted to move when we had only just moved 2 years prior. He wanted to move so he didn't have to 'commute' to work eg drive..... but he was being unreasonable- his 'commute' was a 15-20 minute drive with freeparking at work. To move again would have cost due to stamp duty etc and we would have got a considerably smaller house! I did try to go along with it for a bit but we didn't find anything we liked/could afford and he eventually realised that it wasn't his 'commute' that was making him unhappy.

OP posts:

TheHighlighter · 08/05/2021 22:03

Me and my partner moved and it is stressful and incredibly hard. You have to be solid rocks for each other and this doesn't sound like the place your in .

@luckylavender her DH is a GP. He'd be on the current exemption list and be able to get in .

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