Pitt in my stomach over DH secret obsessions.

[mimirouge]

I thought we were doing OK. DH had seemed much calmed and more involved with family etc. Out of the blue he is getting lots of phone calls from a recruitment agency. I ask him what's happening as he just started a new job that he seemed to like. Turns out the recruitment agency is offering him a job in Adelaide, Australia and he is now obsessed with us moving to Adelaide. I asked him at the dinner table, what's all this about Adelaide, expecting him to brush it off and say he was just thinking about it, but he went and got a typed up piece of paper with reasons why we should move!

When I was despondent and said I didn't want to move to Adelaide he is getting really grumpy at me. Neither of us are Australian! We both have good jobs here in the UK, my DD has heavily discounted private school and we own our house outright- why would I want to leave that all behind? Am I being unreasonable? I think not.. obviously, and just feel so sad that I'm being guilt tripped about all this because he has a whim.

I want to tell him to get his act together and be grateful for what he has. He sells it as an amazing move, but really, I think he is unhappy and running away.

[mimirouge]

@alicemkc
His reasons to move are that DD can have better schooling- she already goes to an amazing prep school here!
That the climate is better.
That he will get paid more
That we should go no before DD gets to old.

Those aren't really good enough reasons. We have a stable and secure life here. We have no family ties or any ties whatsoever to Australia. Neither of us have been to Australia! He is 46 and probably bored. He doesn't have hobbies or friends- but this is his choice.

[SmileyClare]

You're being very understanding of your husband's issues here; his difficult upbringing, his need to run away from things, his unhappiness, his desire to "fix" his discontent by relocating.

However, is he considering your happiness? He treats you appallingly, he punishes you by cutting you off emotionally, gas lighting you into thinking you're always at fault. He's giving your feelings no consideration, in fact he's making you suffer at every turn.

[Whatsthescoop]

They actually sound like very good reasons. Why is he the bad guy for wanting to explore something new?. You are saying he's selfish but you are not even wiling to think about it?

[SmileyClare]

Most women manage to endure unhappy relationships by having a life outside it which provides them with emotional support, company, the connections they need. Your support network is your family and friends nearby.

If you remove that support network, you're fucked. Just tell him that rather than attempting to form a convincing case against Adelaide.

[Cherrysoup]

You get paid more in Australia because it’s so damned expensive!

A relative of mine moved out there, didn’t tell her partner it was a forever move, made out they’d give it a go for a couple of years. Not pretty.

If he wants to go, give him the shove. I couldn’t be with someone who behaved so erratically and sulked for England. Such a poor example to his child and very unfair on you.

[Weenurse]

Adelaide is very quiet and small.
It is on the opposite side of the world to your family.
You can’t get home quickly if there is an emergency.
Incredibly hot in summer with temperatures above 40 degrees Celsius for up to a week before a cool change drops temperatures to 38. (Lots of flies)
Every where takes a long time to drive to as speed limits are 60 km everywhere.
Public transport is OK.
Housing is not cheap in the good areas of town. Be very wary about the bad areas of town, as it is hard to resell.
The beaches are clean and accessible if you drive 30 minutes south of the city.
If you like wine, there is a big tourist industry revolving around wine making.
The people are friendly but insular. They tend to stay friends with school or uni mates.
When meeting new people, the common question was ‘what does your Dad do?’ I am not sure why.
Given mortgage free and in the same country as family, I would stay where you are.

[RandomMess]

TBH what are the chances of him moving out/leaving/threatening it when he finds out about the pregnancy?

If he does absolutely call his bluff.

[billy1966]

He sounds batshit.

Horrifying to read he is a batshit GP.

[CommanderBurnham]

He sounds quite emotionally immature.

He's obviously not happy about something. His solution is to run away from it.

This 'something' seems to be quite deep rooted. Could it be related to his career?? GPs often have low job satisfaction and high rates of stress related mental health problems.
His behaviour seems to be a symptom of something that's broken so you are right not to act on it.

I'm glad he's got counselling.

[SmileyClare]

I'm glad he's got counselling too and I hope it improves his self awareness because not only is his solution (to unhappiness/stress) to run away, it's also to take it out on his wife by emotionally abusing her.

[Simplelifecoming]

My STBXH had the same idea in his mid 40s OP. I agreed to consider it but said we had to visit first before deciding anything. After spending a few weeks there I knew it wasn't for me and to be honest I was really worried about being stuck out there with no family and friends and being at the mercy of his moods and sulks.

It has been regularly thrown in my face ever since, over 10 years, that I stopped him having a great life out there. From what I could see we would have been worse off financially, he would have had a longer commute and I would have been totally isolated with a couple of soon to be teenagers who had left great schools and good friends behind. I am so glad that we didn't go and I still don't understand why he wanted to make the move.

He has a track record of being unsatisfied with where we live and we have moved a lot of times. Now divorcing and selling up so I get to choose when and where I move in future.

[Ihatesalad]

OP, don’t do it unless you are 100% happy in your relationship— it’s a right expensive arse to get your stuff and yourselves back to the UK from Europe never mind Australia if it goes tits up and you dont want to stay. (Or can’t) — I’m in that position— also married to an intelligent guy who is a bit ‘fickle’ — I went along with things as thought it would be an adventure even knowing I no longer felt 100%— and not having a support network on hand is really hard

[Ihatesalad]

@Simplelifecoming— are you sure we aren’t married to the same guy— —- I’ve moved 19 times in 26 years!! I think these guys are just unhappy in life generally to be honest.

[JamieFrasersAuntie]

I think he's setting you up to be the bad guy so he can justify emotionally abusing you. Because that's what he's been doing since you said no, isn't it.

The way he treats you and your daughter is horrible.

[notapizzaeater]

Would the baby make him change his mind ? Could you agree to park it fir a year or two (for the baby) then go on holiday out there a d have a look. It's madness to go without actually exploring the options.

[nimbuscloud]

Your poor daughter has my sympathy. She is in for one fucked up life

[RainingZen]

You are 5 weeks pregnant and you haven't told your DH you are pregnant? I think if he had that information he would have something new to think about and Adelaide would be an irrelevant conversation.

[LouiseTrees]

I agree RainingZen.

[EmeraldShamrock]

You are young, financially stable, think about moving closer to your parents if it is what you'd like.
Life is short he is not going to settle and will use it against you.

[Grimsknee]

The global pandemic should be enough of a reason not to move countries ffs. If you move to Australia, you're stuck there - you can't travel back to the UK for visits or even emergencies.
Also OP I highly doubt the job offer is actually in Adelaide - capital cities have a surplus of GPs. It's likely in an inland regional area of South Australia where GPs from other countries are recruited because nobody wants to live in the inland country here - for good reason, towns are isolated, insular, poorly serviced, terrible weather, usually lots of social problems, and distances are unimaginably vast to the average European.
Even brits who end up in the Ramsay Street suburban dream with a pool and big house end up desperately missing home.
Plus your husband sounds like a jerk!

[osbertthesyrianhamster]

@billy1966

He sounds batshit.

Horrifying to read he is a batshit GP.

There are tons of them, believe me!

[Maxiedog123]

Australian doctor here. GPs are paid in Australia by billing Medicare, the national medical system, per patient seen, or your employer bills Medicare on your behalf.
As a UK trained doctor he would get a visa ok, and be able to work in Australia.
BUT overseas trained doctors have restricted access to Medicare for 10 years after arrival. Access to Medicare is only granted if you work rural or remote. This can include disadvantaged areas on the outskirts of cities , but this would be a commute from any good schools for your daughter. Specialist doctors and young doctors in training can be sponsored by hospital s for visas as they don't bill Medicare directly.

[Weenurse]

Many GP’s are leaving country areas as the workload is huge and family time minimal.
There are huge drug problems and domestic violence is also an issue.
Schools can be hit or miss, depending on the teachers.
We lived in a country town and even after 15 years, Mum was not accepted as local.

[UniversalAunt]

Yet he’s not even been to Australia even for a holiday?
So it’s all pie in the sky!

He’s a middle aged GP with a family who wants to pack it all in on a whim.

I can understand that the past year of Covid has been challenging for healthcare workers across the board, & much R&R is needed by many to restore their equilibrium buuut turning over a secure established life is something else.

Maybe he could take a sabbatical in Aus working as a GP for 6 months whilst you stay home & have the baby?

He’ll either come back or not, but it will not be down to you.