Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

I have now gone back to work.

You should have access to all the money in a joint account and should feel like an equal and not a child.

No, it won’t pass. He’s taking the piss. Are you his partner, or the nanny?

@Greyisthenewpink

I have now gone back to work.

This seems a bit crazy to me. They are his children so all expenses for the children should be from funds that are joint - not from a little allowance to you while he keeps all of his money. He's basically paying you maintenance while you're still in a relationship with him. It does seem strange to me.

I think that’s it. I feel like a child. I’ve had to ask on the odd occasion for some more money - I also often get the children their birthday presents and any family presents out of ‘my’ money and some months it’s been a real struggle. Usually any extra birthday money I’ve had has gone on them - shoes and clothes for them normally. I hate feeling like I’ve got to watch every single penny all the time and that it’s an either / or. Either they can have a new pair or trainers or they can have a new coat.

This will not pass. Hard to read tbh.

Oh OP . That's awful, really really awful. What a complete and utter bastard.

If I ask him for anything or say they need something he will sometimes get it but not without making some comment about not wanting to spend the money.
Ds suddenly needed school shoes and they were £50 which when you’ve only got £300 is a big chunk - I told DH and he said he’d transfer the money but he hasn’t and I don’t like to keep asking. It makes me feel awkward. That was before I started work though - now if I have £1200 total before bills I should be ok. The childcare will be about £250 and then the normal bills I paid anyway but I should still have about £650 which will be much easier.

This is financial abuse.

Wow. This won't get better. He gives you £600 a month but his take home pay is approx £5k?!

This is financial abuse.

He might occasionally say I can have a treat of up to £50 - and I think he thinks he’s being kind and I should be grateful, I know I should.
But it makes me feel like shit.

This makes me sad. My sister was with an absoloute moron like this who never gave her anything despite her looking after two boys sahm. Always commented on how she couldn’t work either. Prick.
I would say it’s equal financially or separate. Me and bf go halves on everything. No joint account as whatever is left is ours.

I don’t understand why you think it’s fair that you pay for the childcare out of your money? You’re both the parents, right?

The fact I’ve had no autonomy has made me feel like - well I don’t know really. It’s massively knocked my confidence. To have to say for everything - I’ll have to check with my husband.
My parents have helped a lot, when we’ve been out with them they tend to pay which I feel awful about too. I mean I’m a grown woman and they are pensioners. But then I should be able to support myself really. I shouldn’t be dependent on anyone.

He’ll have to pay you more than that if you divorce him

Well because he pays for other stuff *Iheartbed.’ So he pays the household bills like council tax, gas and electric, most of the food bill (I pay about a third probably) out of my money.
So I guess if he’s not going to reduce down what he gives me (which he did when I went back to work between the two dc) then it’s fair enough that i meet that expense if I’m not contributing elsewhere. The holidays are going to mean I’m working for very little money though. It’ll be costing me about £150 a week then.

What’s he doing with the other £4K net a month residual?

Out of the £4K comes household bills. He does get more than this over the course of the year because he has various quarterly bonuses and allowances. I’d guess after the household bills - including some of the food - he’s left with about £2.5k? He has a company car and phone and petrol card so doesn’t pay those things. And then he has the bonuses which I think he mainly saves, which does make sense.

It sounds incredibly unequal.

For context, I’m the breadwinner, DH is SAHP. We have a joint account into which I transfer a set amount every month and all the standing orders come out of that (mortgage, utilities, and nursery fees.

He has access to my current account (my card is saved on his phone), so he’ll pay for food shopping on my card or eg soft play fees. We review our outgoings on a monthly basis so we both know how much we’re spending.

If he wanted to make a big personal purchase eg a fancy coat, he’d probably mention it to me first to make sure it was ok as I’m the one with the day to day oversight of the accounts. I wouldn’t do the same for the same reason.

I’m not saying it’s perfect, but he definitely has equality of access and doesn’t need to ask permission from me.

It sounds like your DH enjoys having the financial upper hand in the relationship, which shouldn’t be a thing if you both agreed (as we did) that you would stay at home.

I should say when he does work (he does the odd freelance project) he puts 2/3 in our joint savings account and 1/3 he keeps for his own spending.

As a comparison I'm a SAHM and have been for 12 years, dh is a v high earner. We have a joint account which we both have equal access to and he has never once made me feel any less than equal financially.
His attitude (and mine) is that he may in practice earn the money but as a partnership with dc really we both earn it.

Where are Your savings. Get legal advice. You will get half if you divorce

No this is not on at all, you should have access to family money and childcare costs should be split 50/50 for a start, they’re both of your kids - child care isn’t just your responsibility!

He’s treating you like a glorified nanny, no I wouldn’t be happy with this set up at all.

Jesus Christ OP.

You are being financially abused.

Please ring Women's aid.

You are absolutely being abused and controlled by him.

You would be VERY wise to get copies of any and ALL financials, like pay slips, pensions, bank accounts.

You need to protect yourself.
He is NOT a good man.

A good man does NOT behave like this.

Please ring Women's Aid.