Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

@Greyisthenewpink

He might occasionally say I can have a treat of up to £50 - and I think he thinks he’s being kind and I should be grateful, I know I should. But it makes me feel like shit.

It was hard reading it until this point and when I read this that was just beyond a joke? - a treat? OP this is financial abuse it's absolutely horrible. There's just no way this is ok!

So are you going to talk to him and suggest a 50/50 split? Or are you afraid to do so? Would he get angry? I'm trying to understand the dynamic and understand if you don't feel you can have that chat with him.
Could you go and live with your parents?
The situation needs to change - either he splits 50/50 what's left or you leave. Those are you only options.

He has unblocked it but it made me feel uncomfortable and lesser to have to talk about it. And ds needed the money on there so I just paid for it at that point because I didn’t want to have to go and ask DH there and then.

It suits him to keep you trapped like this but there is always a way out.

When was the last time you yourself visited the hairdresser, dentist or opticians?. I would think he visits these places far more often than you do.

Its not "his" money although he absolutely regards it as such and as I've mentioned already, such selfish types never share.

Financial abuse as with many other types of abuse creeps up on people unawares; it is that insidious in onset. Its not your fault this has happened to you. I would also now think apart from working outside the home you're still doing the same amount of home admin and far more than him.

"I was putting ds’s lunches on his card so he blocked his card but I cannot afford £15 a week. He knew I was doing it but ds used to have a mix of sandwiches and lunches and now he only wants hot dinners so the cost has gone up. He’s unblocked it now but I had to have a discussion around why it’s so expensive etc and it made me feel inferior. "

OP can you read what you posted again and again....he blocked the card you were feeding your child with......how much more do you need to see to realise you are being abused? OP get your career started and get the heck out of this marriage......fast.

@Greyisthenewpink

Out of the £4K comes household bills. He does get more than this over the course of the year because he has various quarterly bonuses and allowances. I’d guess after the household bills - including some of the food - he’s left with about £2.5k? He has a company car and phone and petrol card so doesn’t pay those things. And then he has the bonuses which I think he mainly saves, which does make sense.

First of all salary for 91k is 5k a month- ok so subtract pension contribution, let’s be generous and say still 4K left, with no mortgage no car no petrol what bills come to Over 1k?

Greyisthenewpink

This may be helpful for you to read too:-

www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Help-with-money

@Greyisthenewpink

I do feel it’s all his money. He sometimes says it’s ours but that’s not how I feel it is and not how I feel he behaves around it. Ultimately he has the say about anything financially. I was putting ds’s lunches on his card so he blocked his card but I cannot afford £15 a week. He knew I was doing it but ds used to have a mix of sandwiches and lunches and now he only wants hot dinners so the cost has gone up. He’s unblocked it now but I had to have a discussion around why it’s so expensive etc and it made me feel inferior. Tbh I will just pay for the dinners now too. It’s easier. But he can spend several hundred pounds on something for himself just ad hoc. I get why he might not want to spend on me but it’s his dc. I don’t get that really.

Please as other people have said read this.

You are left not able to afford £15 a week and he earns £90k + bonus.

This is horrendous. This is absolutely horrendous OP. I am so, so , deeply sorry that you're in this position.

You need to contact women's aid and you really do need to think of a way that you can leave.

I could probably scrape the £15 together but it would a stretch at an extra £60 a month. Or ds just has sandwiches I guess.
It’s things like that though, small ish expenses that should present a problem but become a source of anxiety because I know I can’t really afford them.

I feel like a child. It has been ridiculously damaging for my self esteem although I think a lot of sahp take a hit on their self esteem.
It’s the having to ask I don’t like. I don’t like having to ask for money.

To echo a poster above, OP, how would he react if you sat him down and said 'the amount you give me is not enough'?

Do you think he would quiz you about what you spend the money on? Because that wouldn't be ok. Your DC have been born into a relatively wealthy household and he should want them (and you) to have a lifestyle as good as his own.

How would he make you feel small? I mean exactly how? Questions? Comments? Arguments why he shouldn't have to pay?

None of that would be ok.

What would his reaction actually be if you stood up for yourself?

We don't have a pot to piss in OP and I'm still better off than you If my DH earned what yours does I would never have to worry about clothes for me or DC or money for days out/treats for DC ever again because that's ample money for a really quite lovely standard of living. And your DH is deliberately depriving you and his own DC of that even though he could easily afford it

I think you'd be very pleasantly surprised by the standard of living you could have if you divorced him. He has trained you to think you're not entitled to 'his' money but the courts would most certainly not agree! Would you consider getting some legal advice to give you an idea where you might stand? It might help you regain a bit of strength and confidence if you knew what you were entitled to

I think he’d want to see receipts and stuff from other months to see where the money was going, or access my bank account maybe.
I don’t think he’d be very amenable. Cost of living has increased and his wages have gone up since I became a sahm but the amount he gives me hasn’t.

@Greyisthenewpink

I could probably scrape the £15 together but it would a stretch at an extra £60 a month. Or ds just has sandwiches I guess. It’s things like that though, small ish expenses that should present a problem but become a source of anxiety because I know I can’t really afford them.

90k and begrudges his child a hot meal-man is a cunt!!!

OP I’m sorry you’re in this situation I’m not surprised it’s affected your confidence.you are equal partners in this marriage, he is only able to earn that money because of the decision for you to be at home, which means he can succeed in his role completely unencumbered by worries about the children or the house. What you do is just as important and has just as much value even if your husband clearly doesn’t see it that way.
So if you’re not working he should pay all the bills and split the rest with you, and if you are you can both contribute to bills (including childcare) proportionate to what you bring in. The way he views your respective roles is really depressing and worrying tbh.

The lack of balance in this relationship isn't even about money, OP. Not in essence.

If this happened to be the other way round, how would you manage money? Would you give him and the DC free access without him having to ask you? If so, why? I assume it would be because you care about him, value his contribution, see him as an equal and want your DC to have the standard of living you have worked hard for them to afford.

He does none of that. He doesn't because he doesn't care about you in that way. He doesn't see you as an equal (which is why you feel like a child) and he doesn't love your family enough to see you as a unit that works together.

He is abusive and unkind.

Can you see that?

I'm sorry to say this but he is absolute piece of shit for treating his family like this. This isn't a family life. He is abusing you. I hope you find the strength to leave. I don't mean to sound harsh OP, I have every sympathy for you and the horrible position you're in. I wish you strength.

If I was the higher earner and he’d been a sahp I’d have said joint access. I wouldn’t have wanted to think he’d worrying about money and when he took the dc out I wouldn’t want him to be worrying about buying them an ice cream or whatever.

This is really hard to read. It's like he's convinced you that you should be grateful. He is a pig and he knows how he is making you feel. It's abuse. Plain and simple. He enjoys the power he has over you which is sickening. Speak to a lawyer and get whatever you need to get sorted. You will be better off divorced than together. No wonder you feel shit ... That has been his intention.

I have been in this position too, my DH is quite right and feels that he works hard for his money and I just spend it. I told him it was financial abuse and I would divorce him and he soon got generous.

@Greyisthenewpink

If I was the higher earner and he’d been a sahp I’d have said joint access. I wouldn’t have wanted to think he’d worrying about money and when he took the dc out I wouldn’t want him to be worrying about buying them an ice cream or whatever.

Exactly.

So why not the other way round?

It's because he doesn't care, he is selfish, he doesn't see his family as part of him.

This isn't right. At all.

Can you get support from anyone in real life to talk it over with? I am willing to bet that money is not the only thing he's controlling here.

OP are you listening to all the responses. Stop worrying about the minor details of how you will pay for this or that, see the whole picture. You cannot continue living like this. You need to make a fundamental change to your thinking. Please!

Quite tight!

greyisthenewpink

re your comments in quote marks:-

"I feel like a child".

Indeed you do. His behaviour is designed to take away all and any of your power in this relationship.

"It has been ridiculously damaging for my self esteem although I think a lot of sahp take a hit on their self esteem".

His controlling and abusive behaviour has caused your self esteem to plummet and you anyway are far more than "just a mum". Never regard yourself as only this.

"It’s the having to ask I don’t like. I don’t like having to ask for money".

Indeed its utterly demeaning and he enjoys the power he has over you when it comes to money and the finances. He gets a kick out of seeing your discomfort and scrabbling about trying to make ends meet for you and the DC.

Your children cannot afford to learn such damaging lessons on relationships. It is for they as well that you should make plans to leave your abuser. He won't make the whole process of you separating from him at all easy and he will continue to be just as obstructive post separation and divorce too. This does not mean to say you should not leave him because you absolutely should.

If you look at his parents closely it is likely that one of them is controlling also.