Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

Well firstly and foremost, he's taking the piss. DH and I have a joint account where we split bills equally - including childcare might I add and then anything left we do what we want.

However, this is also a situation of your own making. You had not one but two children with someone who you actively knew wouldn't be an equal parent, and who appears to be treating you like the nanny.

It's this sort of life choices that really do put women back 50 years. Instead of aspiring to earn a good wage themselves, and find a partner who will treat them as an equal, you started from day one with massive imbalance. I'm glad to hear you're now working again but it's not going far enough. What you need to ensure is:

He pays for 50% childcare costs
He does 50% of pick ups and drop offs so that you can rebuild your career which is AS IMPORTANT as his.
He does 50% of parenting
He splits the family income equally with you and you have access to your own card for the joint account.

Any less than this and I'm afraid you're just enabling him to continue to treat you as a lesser being. You'd be well to remind him he'd be paying you a lot more if you were to divorce.

All my savings have gone - I’ve spent them on doing stuff with the dc really.
It’s things like I’d have to ask to have my haircut because again, the cost of it out of what I usually have would be too much. I’m normally down to my last £10 by the time he puts the next amount of money into my account. I struggled over Easter because it was the weekend and then the bank holiday so I was a few days more than usual. It’s like I can never relax about it although obviously I am lucky in that I have a home and we are fed. It’s more that I suppose it is luxury stuff which is spoilt. We could stay in more. I don’t buy the dc really expensive clothes other anything. They are mainly clothed by h and m. Shoes tend to be more pricey and ds has different sports ones. £300 should really be manageable and it is but with very little to spare.

You are in an abusive relationship

I've earnt less than dh since we got together. I've been pt since we had our first child (now 14). We set up a joint account when we got married. We only use that account for everything. We discuss big purchases or whether we can afford something that month (eg this month we bought some sailing kit as kids have grown AGAIN!) Neither of us have our own money. He now runs a business with his friend. I don't contribute but I take dividends. Business partners and wives are all shareholders . Not that it matters as it all goes into our joint account 🤷🏻‍♀️

I realise this approach isn't for everyone but it's a stark contrast to what you're experiencing!!! You're not the babysitter, why does looking after your kids at home have a fixed price?? On his salary neither of you should be worried about buying stuff for the kids.....or a coat ffs!!!

I do all the drop offs and pick ups for school etc

Stupidly I’d never thought about the fact that if I just put what I earned in with him now and then we split that 50/50 I’d still be ‘better off.’ Ive just felt grateful that I’m keeping my £600. Between the dc he reduced what he gave me down to £200 when I went back to work and after childcare I was approx £100 a month better off for working 25 hours a week.

90k and no mortgage and you think he has 2.5k left?! You have no idea about money OP clearly- he has way more
Than that!!!
I’d divorce him and take half!

£2.5k left a month? Once he’s paid bills and given me £600?
I mean he has more than that annually because of bonuses etc but monthly

It makes you feel like shit because it's financial abuse.

I disagree that he's treating you like a glorified nanny - a nanny would be treated better than you.

He's using you as his nanny and housekeeper without any of the employment rights or remuneration a nanny-housekeeper would have. Or the respect they would have.

This is financial abuse, pure and simple. Look up the definitions, it's now defined in law. I think you would be better off financially after a divorce, with half the marital assets and pensions, and certainly incomparably better off emotionally. It's very sad to read such an articulate and competent woman reduced to this level of subservience by this piece of shit.
What does he say if you have ever pointed out the Victorian nature of this arrangement?

This is a hard read. He's not treating you as an equal. You should have equal access to all assets. I don't have high hopes for someone who thinks this is fair but if you have any chance you need to toughen up. Bill Gates is about to spilt assets gained during his marriage with his stbxw. If equity is good enough for Bill gates it's good enough for your husband. Good luck, you deserve to be treated much more fairly.

Someone once told me, if you marry for money, you'll earn every penny.

It appears sadly this is absolutely the case here. A nanny/housekeeper would cost him far more.

This is financial abuse. Only you can decide whether you're happy being treated as the nanny. What would happen if he had his head turned? Can you live on your income. Never leave yourself so vulnerable and reliable on another person, particularly one who has already shown he treats you with such little regard.

@Greyisthenewpink

All my savings have gone - I’ve spent them on doing stuff with the dc really. It’s things like I’d have to ask to have my haircut because again, the cost of it out of what I usually have would be too much. I’m normally down to my last £10 by the time he puts the next amount of money into my account. I struggled over Easter because it was the weekend and then the bank holiday so I was a few days more than usual. It’s like I can never relax about it although obviously I am lucky in that I have a home and we are fed. It’s more that I suppose it is luxury stuff which is spoilt. We could stay in more. I don’t buy the dc really expensive clothes other anything. They are mainly clothed by h and m. Shoes tend to be more pricey and ds has different sports ones. £300 should really be manageable and it is but with very little to spare.

He is abusing you.

What's the difference between your situation and someone subjected to modern day slavery as a "domestic" ?

Everybody should have a home and food. That doesn't make you "lucky" , it's a basic human need to survive.

You - his family (children included) - are struggling for money when he earns a whacking great salary and saves his bonuses.

He is not a part of your family, is he? You and the DC are the family and he just chips a meagre amount of money in.

This is really difficult to hear.

You have to leave him. He's not your friend.

What a twat. Its shared finances, you should have full access to everything.

If my partner and I have kids, unless he gets a decent pay rise before then, it's likely he will either have to go part time or be a sahd. Either way, he'd still have full access to finances just like we both do now and we'd still discuss purchases like we do now.

I know it’s my fault treacle but unfortunately I’ve made the choices I have. I’ve gone back to work and I’m doing my best and hoping it’ll mean I can find a way back into having a career.
No I couldn’t live on my wages alone. I’m trapped really.

This is awful and definitely should not be the norm, even when I was in a toxic marriage I had full access, in fact probably more access, to our joint money and I was also a SAHM for a couple of years.

How can you love a man who treats you so terribly?

Dear OP it was really difficult for me to read your post. I do not know how other SAHM organize their finances, but I would say this is not how it should be. My mom was SAHM and while my dad was not a perfect husband, he was giving her all of the money and only keeping a little for gas and cigarettes. What your husband is doing blows my mind. Not only that the money he is giving you is so little compared to what he has but it is for you and your children. While I was reading it I felt like he is treating your kids as if they are just yours not his too.

While I know that this is difficult for you, that you may feel it is “his” money, so you do not have right to it, you do. When a family decides that one partner stays home to take care of the kids, another one has responsibility to financially support her/him fairly. I suggest you get advice, perhaps talk to financial advisor and see how this can be set up so that you do not feel inferior to your husband. Also, I would suggest you get therapy. This will help you figure out how you feel about all this and whether or not you are willing to work this out or just leave. It is up to you to decided this but if I were you, I would leave this person

@Greyisthenewpink

I know it’s my fault treacle but unfortunately I’ve made the choices I have. I’ve gone back to work and I’m doing my best and hoping it’ll mean I can find a way back into having a career. No I couldn’t live on my wages alone. I’m trapped really.

You wouldn't have to. You would get maintenance from him.

If you know how much he earns, go onto the CMS website and work out roughly how much that would be. I assume he won't be bothering with contact, so you'd get the whole amount.

Plus, in the event of a divorce, you would get a good settlement. He would have to pay dear. Because, unlike your horrible H, the law sees the value in your contribution to the family and the marriage. You could even claim some of his pension on the grounds that your contribution has allowed him the career he now has.

Do it.

I do feel it’s all his money. He sometimes says it’s ours but that’s not how I feel it is and not how I feel he behaves around it. Ultimately he has the say about anything financially. I was putting ds’s lunches on his card so he blocked his card but I cannot afford £15 a week. He knew I was doing it but ds used to have a mix of sandwiches and lunches and now he only wants hot dinners so the cost has gone up. He’s unblocked it now but I had to have a discussion around why it’s so expensive etc and it made me feel inferior. Tbh I will just pay for the dinners now too. It’s easier.
But he can spend several hundred pounds on something for himself just ad hoc. I get why he might not want to spend on me but it’s his dc. I don’t get that really.

No, it’s not your fault. And as other posters have said, you wouldn’t have to live on your wages alone. He would be obliged to support his children.

You are in a financially abusive relationship with this man and he has done this deliberately to keep you in check as well as wielding power and control over you and your DC. He has actively allowed you to accept a monthly allowance from him (itself demeaning) and has given you no real access to what he regards as "his" money. Such men never ever share.

I would plan my exit from this abusive man with both due diligence and care.

How can you be helped into leaving your abuser?.

Divorce him, take half the house, half his pension and you'll get a lot more than £600 a month in maintenance
He's a wanker

@Greyisthenewpink

I do feel it’s all his money. He sometimes says it’s ours but that’s not how I feel it is and not how I feel he behaves around it. Ultimately he has the say about anything financially. I was putting ds’s lunches on his card so he blocked his card but I cannot afford £15 a week. He knew I was doing it but ds used to have a mix of sandwiches and lunches and now he only wants hot dinners so the cost has gone up. He’s unblocked it now but I had to have a discussion around why it’s so expensive etc and it made me feel inferior. Tbh I will just pay for the dinners now too. It’s easier. But he can spend several hundred pounds on something for himself just ad hoc. I get why he might not want to spend on me but it’s his dc. I don’t get that really.

This is disgusting. He doesn’t treat you like a partner or an equal. I’m guessing he doesn’t value your role in the family. I would be insisting things change or leaving.

Read that last post back, OP. He blocked his own card so you couldn't pay for his own DC's FOOD. For heaven's sake. This is so wrong, I can't even compute it.