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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Would this make you feel you rubbish?

271 replies

Greyisthenewpink · 08/05/2021 18:01

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

OP posts:
Weirdfan · 08/05/2021 19:21

It’s the having to ask I don’t like. I don’t like having to ask for money.

This is what makes this financial abuse OP, you wouldn't have to ask if this was anything like a normal, healthy relationship and he certainly wouldn't be denying his DW and DC money he can easily afford if he wasn't abusive. My DH will happily go without the things he genuinely needs to make sure DC and I don't go without, your DH could do that without depriving himself of anything. Sad

billy1966 · 08/05/2021 19:21

Ask your parents to pay for a solicitor.

You can't actually love this abusive controlling pig, can you?

What upbringing did you have, that you think this is normal?

This is not normal.
This is abusive.
Highly abusive.

You will be better off divorced from him.

Ask your parents for help.
Flowers

Greyisthenewpink · 08/05/2021 19:26

His dad was the same about money I think.

DH is just pretty tight. He doesn’t mind us having things if he hasn’t got to pay for them.
Every time something relatively expensive arrives for him that he’s apparently just ordered and I’m worrying about money a part of me dies a little. I’d like some new mascara and lipstick but it’ll have to wait until my birthday.

OP posts:
Ihatesalad · 08/05/2021 19:27

Mortgage free, high earner, married— already back to work and clearly he has been saving— you are going to be fine OP. This man is an arse, he virtually makes you beg for a few ‘luxuries ‘ such as coats for kids or haircuts whilst giving you ‘spending money’ . I would personally be doing a bit of digging, keeping hold of a few old payslips/bonus slips plus anything you can find on savings. I would then be getting to a solicitor on the quiet to discuss. I think you could well end up with the house and maintanace from what you have said, at least for a good while and boy do you deserve it. Sorry but he is a lucky guy that you are a mild mannered lovely lady and have put up with this— I wouldn’t have suggested any of this if I felt you loved him
Madly OP and I may have read it wrong but I’m not getting that feeling

AnyFucker · 08/05/2021 19:27

Are we wasting our time, op ?

Greyisthenewpink · 08/05/2021 19:28

I’m a bit aghast that you all think it’s so bad.
I expected people to tell me to think myself lucky.

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 08/05/2021 19:28

@Greyisthenewpink

I’m a bit aghast that you all think it’s so bad. I expected people to tell me to think myself lucky.
Then he has really done quite a number on you
lifeissweet · 08/05/2021 19:29

It's not often threads are unanimous. This one is.

Every. Single. Response.

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.

AnyFucker · 08/05/2021 19:31

I pity you. You are a very long way from “lucky”

Weirdfan · 08/05/2021 19:32

You're not 'lucky' OP, quite the reverse. I'm sitting here thanking the lord for my DH (despite the fact that we earn a pittance between us Grin) while reading your thread because at least what we have we share. You and your DC deserve so much better than this, and a divorce would give you a better chance of getting it than staying with him I'm sorry to say.

Supersimkin2 · 08/05/2021 19:34

Awful for the DC to know their father begrudged them food.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 08/05/2021 19:35

@Greyisthenewpink

I’m a bit aghast that you all think it’s so bad. I expected people to tell me to think myself lucky.
Why are you lucky? Because you get to work to pay for childcare- suppose you got pregnant by yourself?
Greyisthenewpink · 08/05/2021 19:37

Because I have £300 a month that is effectively what’s left for me and the dc and some people don’t have anything.

OP posts:
Whitewolf2 · 08/05/2021 19:37

This is so upsetting to read - I can’t believe you think you are lucky in this situation! Your husband is a controlling abuser. How can you possibly think your relationship is a partnership when you have to beg for money?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2021 19:40

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

This behaviour of your Hs is often learnt and indeed his own father is the same. It’s far worse than just being tight and that is already awful.
Your h is using money to control your life and every move.

You cannot even buy mascara and lipstick freely for your own self here, how sad is that?. What would you think if one of your friends or another mumsnetter wrote that?.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 08/05/2021 19:41

OP, before I went on maternity leave we each had our own accounts and a separate one for household bills. He paid all the mortgage as was by far the main earner, and we deliberately kept our mortgage at an amount that he could afford to pay on his own (for when we had kids. I know this is a luxury most don't have now due to stupid house prices) and we split the rest 50-50 and each paid it into the joint bills account, so direct debits for bills and food coming out of that account. Whenever we went for nights out he generally paid. I paid for all my own personal expenses and we would split holiday costs with him paying slightly more. We both paid into savings.

When I was pregnant we sat down and had a big discussion about finances. At first he thought it was a good idea to take over all the bills and then just pay me an extra amount into my own account each month to cover personal expenses. But I pointed out that a) it would make me feel weird being paid an "allowance" and b) I would be doing all the food shopping from now on (we previously did it together), and paying out for baby groups, baby clothes etc and I wouldn't know how much I would need until I was in that position. He immediately said "Well, it's simple - I put you as a joint account holder on my personal account, and you can have access to what you need for the children's expenses, and supermarket shopping etc. You can use the child benefit paid into your personal account as your own disposable income, just for you, eg hair cuts etc and when you need a bigger purchase eg new coat, shoes etc, just pay out the joint account."

That there is a proper trusting partnership. He trusted me not to be frivolous and off buying designer handbags on the joint account and I trusted him to ensure I had access to what I needed when I needed it. He basically paid for everything, bar my own personal expenses, which gave me a bit of "dignity" eg I could buy my own family presents, and pay for my own nights out with friends etc. If ever I was a bit skint but wanted to go on a night out he just bunged me cash towards it no questions asked.

As I slowly increased my working hours over the years, he still pays for all the bills (including food), I chipped in nearly half to the mortgage and we split savings 50-50. My salary paid for my own expenses, and all the kids' stuff like shoes, school dinners, clubs etc, and I paid for our holidays too.

It's worked really well for us. Due to gaining an inheritance, I was able to pay off our mortgage early, and will also enable DH to retire earlier than he otherwise would have. So it works both ways.

He was generous with me, I have been generous with him. It's about trust. And doing right by the other person. OP, it doesn't sound like you have that at the moment, but have you actually TOLD him how you feel, and what you need?

loveyourself2020 · 08/05/2021 19:42

OP I wish I can give you a hug Flowers.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2021 19:43

He has thoroughly ground you down here and this is a process that has happened likely over a number of years too. Certainly throughout your relationship.

You may have £300 but that has been through your own effort of working also outside the home. It’s still not enough money to see you and your kids through the month because he still expects you to account for every penny you spend. Do you feel obligated to show him receipts too and or justify any “excess” spend?.

Dddccc · 08/05/2021 19:43

So his net income is 90k so after tax alone thats 72k ish then he has to pay ni and pensions so probably down to 65k ish he gives you 7.2k a year so has 57.5k that he pays for everything else and saves some of it I don't really get what you are complaining about, if he gave you more money would you just spend it? Or save it as you say the money covers your needs and now you are back working will have more free income and not paying any of the bills

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2021 19:45

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Why did you expect to be to told you were lucky?. Is that mainly because your husband has led you to believe that lot of lies?.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 08/05/2021 19:46

He’s on £90K with no mortgage and gives you £600 a month Shock. Fucking hell what does he do with the rest of it! He’s financially abusing you and sounds an utter nasty twat Angry

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/05/2021 19:47

£300 divided by 30 equals £10. Divide that further by three for your dc and you and you end up with about £3.33 for each of you daily. You could not even buy a coffee in Costa with that.

lifeissweet · 08/05/2021 19:47

@Dddccc

So his net income is 90k so after tax alone thats 72k ish then he has to pay ni and pensions so probably down to 65k ish he gives you 7.2k a year so has 57.5k that he pays for everything else and saves some of it I don't really get what you are complaining about, if he gave you more money would you just spend it? Or save it as you say the money covers your needs and now you are back working will have more free income and not paying any of the bills
Have you read the thread?!

He blocked his card when she wanted to pay for her DC's school dinners ffs!

Mydogmylife · 08/05/2021 19:48

If you can't see that he's abusing you ( which he most definitely is) can you see how your children are also suffering??? Please get some help and get away from this man - does he even show you and your kids any affection?

Orangebug · 08/05/2021 19:48

OP, when I was a SAHM all our money was completely shared.

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