Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

You're married but he's treating you like a nanny. He's only able to earn £90k because you take care of the kids and now he's saying your salary has to fun all childcare too...

He earns £7,500 (before tax) per month and pays you £600. Sorry but £7,200 a year... that's all you get. That's less than one month of his before tax salary... and you still pay for a third of the food, some bills etc...

Nah, we'd be having words, joint account or equal spending money. All bills, childcare, kids expenses come out of a joint account.

@Greyisthenewpink

I just wish he’d tell me when he blocks the card. I only put the shopping and the meals on it, I don’t spend on it randomly or anything. He says it’s because he keeps ordering himself things. But tbh he only has to unblock the card anyway, which he does every time he wants something, so I don’t really understand that argument.

He's doing it because he doesn't want to give you money. He's happy making you scrape by and struggle because he sees it as his money and he doesn't want to give you an equal share.

Abuse isn't defined by whether he takes you on holiday... it's the fact he has a stranglehold on how much money you have access to because you have no alternative to him paying and he knows this and he's making you scrape by anyway

Gobsmacked at 'the bank is closed' he has utterly no respect for you

He regards you as cheap labour and he enjoys the power.

If he regarded you as an equal you would either have your own card, that he paid off each month, or he would transfer half of the disposable income to you each month (that's what is left over after all household and family costs,. including everything for the kids).

He is a horrible man.

I should know have about £1200 a month

You won't though will you? As you will be paying for household and family/ children costs out of it. You' ll have fuck all for you at the end of the month.

If he learnt this behaviour from his father isn't there also a danger that he will teach his controlling behaviour to your kids. They will grow up being controlled too.

Please at least try womans aid. It's not as if they'd laugh you off the phone even if they didn't think you were suffering abuse. However, you are being financially abused.

He absolutely loves all the blocking of the card.

He loves the power.

That power is more important to him than anything else, including your self worth.

It sounds as though he thinks of you as his employee OP, not his wife. You should start charging him for all the work you do.

Have you told him how you feel? Why don’t you tell him to make the phone calls himself. He has to speak to the person to give his permission anyway. You are allowing him to make you look foolish.

He blocks the card because he keeps ordering things for himself. You have to wait for your birthday for a lipstick. He is just awful, I wonder which of your DC will follow his ways and which will follow yours and repeat your lifestyle.

I would be getting the details of all his bank accounts, even if you can’t see in them and seeing a solicitor. I would divorce him and take your share of everything.

You must be feeling very resentful. I hope things turn out for you, you and your DC deserve far more.

He’s too busy and he doesn’t like calling anyone unless it’s for work. I make his dr and hair appointments too.
I’ve been reading about the effect of family break up on dc and none of it is good and I believe my dc would be badly effected because they are used to me caring for them 99.9% of the time - not DH. It’s too big a risk.
I will start to save some money now I’m working though, which will hopefully mean when they are older I will have at least something. I just want to be able to buy things and not worry - not expensive things, just things we need. If they want to go somewhere I want to be able to say yes and not fret about it, if they need something I just want to be able to buy it. I should be able to now I’m working - even if I take out the childcare I’m still going to be better off.

Kids will adapt far quicker than you think.

Leave he is abusive

You posted for a reason OP, your gut instinct was telling you something wasn't right. Post after post has confirmed yes you are being financially abused by a man that smiles merrily whist he does it.

You are not ready to acknowledge this is in fact abusive behaviour and that's okay. Please start saving, and do it in a bank account of your own. 🌸

OP I found your post quite horrifying. I was a SAHM and my late DP had his own business. I had his card all the time and total access to his accounts and online banking. I could transfer money to my account when needed. All the bills were paid from my account.

DP struggled to remember his own PIN as he so rarely had the card.

Obviously any big purchases we discussed and I didn't take the piss.

We felt like a partnership.

I'm presuming when you're back at work you will still be doing all the housework and childcare as well as having a full time job. I cannot understand the mentality of someone who, just because they earn more than their partner, feels that the partner should be responsible for everything to do with the home and children.

How is your relationship otherwise? Do you do much as a family? Does he want to spend time with you and the children?

To me it is difficult to imagine that someone who has that attitude towards his wife and family when it comes to money is going to be fully engaged in family life.

I

@Outbutnotoutout

Kids will adapt far quicker than you think.

Leave he is abusive

This. Especially as he's not going to want to step up and be a 50:50 parent anyway, so I would imagine his influence would be relatively limited in comparison to them having to live in this relationship dynamic all 100% of the time.

They're learning that a mummy should cook, clean and do as she is told. And that a daddy is in charge, gets the final say and is above childcare and chores because he has a Big Important Job. That couples should exist in that dynamic, rather than being equal teammates who are loving, affectionate, kind and want to enjoy their life together and be happy.

It's so much more damaging for kids to grow up in a dysfunctional home 100% of the time than it is for them to have separated parents they split time with.

It wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if the OPs husband had another partner or even a secret family elsewhere, or a gambling addiction or something similar. Maybe he's not squirrelling his money away, maybe he's spent it and that's why his card gets stopped? I'm not saying he's not doing it all on purpose, just that it's possible he's covering something up as well.

One day the OP will hopefully wake up and realise she's wasting her life (and her children's) with this twat, and I hope that when she does there's at least some money somewhere she can have a share of to start again

Another SAHM here. We have a joint account, I'm in charge of all the finances, we only discuss purchases over £100 to be sure it won't affect cash flow. He even continues to pay into a separate pension for me. Please your children deserve better they will come to realise that you are kept in a constant state of relative poverty. They will learn very unhealthy lessons from your dynamics. Leave, you deserve a better way of living, he won't care about seeing the children, if he is prepared to block a card that he knew full well supplied your child's food and won't just buy a pair of shoes he doesn't care about them he just cares about controlling you. Full access to a joint account or leave. There is no other option that is feasible IMO.

He stops the card himself because he can unblock it in seconds. It’s definitely not maxed out or anything.
I think he’s saves - I don’t believe he has time for another family or anything and I don’t think he gambles. He’s too tight. He wouldn’t want to lose the money.
I think he’s very sensible with money really. He’s made sensible choices re his pension and putting his £40k annual dividend into his pension to reduce the tax liability on it.
It’s just that i have no control or say over any of it bar that £600.

He’s too busy to make those phone calls OP, tell him you are too busy to be his unpaid servant. Don’t you ever speak up? You are actually damaging your DC, they have a good chance of being walked over too, or ending up like their DF. Speak up, why are you so frightened of saying how you feel?

He will never go for 50/50 of childcare, but you will end up with at least 50% of everything he currently owns, which is also rightfully yours too.

OP this is genuinely one of the worst things I've read on MN. This isn't just financial abuse but mental and emotional. He stopped his card because you were using it to pay for his children's school meals, and reduced the amount of money he gave you when you went back to work after years as a stay at home parent???? Please go and see a solicitor to understand your options. This is not a marriage, your husband is not a nice human being, I'm sorry.

@Greyisthenewpink

He’s too busy and he doesn’t like calling anyone unless it’s for work. I make his dr and hair appointments too. I’ve been reading about the effect of family break up on dc and none of it is good and I believe my dc would be badly effected because they are used to me caring for them 99.9% of the time - not DH. It’s too big a risk. I will start to save some money now I’m working though, which will hopefully mean when they are older I will have at least something. I just want to be able to buy things and not worry - not expensive things, just things we need. If they want to go somewhere I want to be able to say yes and not fret about it, if they need something I just want to be able to buy it. I should be able to now I’m working - even if I take out the childcare I’m still going to be better off.

OP I don't know what you've been reading but as a child of parents who finally broke up when I was an adult, I can tell you I would have much rather that they'd broken up when I was a kid and spared themselves the heartache.

To be blunt OP - can you not see that staying with him will also have a negative effect on your children as they grow up and see their mother abused by their father? That will be much much worse than you leaving him.

It beggars belief - why on earth don't you speak up for yourself. Don't ask him fucking tell him.

affected

OP I don't know what you've been reading but as a child of parents who finally broke up when I was an adult, I can tell you I would have much rather that they'd broken up when I was a kid and spared themselves the heartache.

To be blunt OP - can you not see that staying with him will also have a negative effect on your children as they grow up and see their mother abused by their father? That will be much much worse than you leaving him.

Can you see this OP?

I'm quite pleased he's saved so much into his pension, that way you can get half of it.

Please please please go and see a solicitor and see what your options are.

You are being abused, belittled and controlled. You are worth more than this.

@Greyisthenewpink

He stops the card himself because he can unblock it in seconds. It’s definitely not maxed out or anything. I think he’s saves - I don’t believe he has time for another family or anything and I don’t think he gambles. He’s too tight. He wouldn’t want to lose the money. I think he’s very sensible with money really. He’s made sensible choices re his pension and putting his £40k annual dividend into his pension to reduce the tax liability on it. It’s just that i have no control or say over any of it bar that £600.

He made a very sensible choice picking you for his wife that's for sure, this is too sad, I really hope this is a wind-up for the sake of you and your children, good luck - you'll need it