Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

This is financial abuse @Greyisthenewpink. I'm sorry. Your confidence is affected because it is abusive behaviour. He's horrible.

Everyone on here who has kindly replied to this thread has pointed out the glaringly obvious. The op is not being treated as a financial equal. If a million posters said it i dont think it would make any difference to this lady as she just seems to be passively accepting the situation. She seems more bothered about the indignity of having to ask for more money as opposed to the fact that her husband is a complete bastard.
Maybe she doesn't feel that hard done by?
Maybe he makes sure they have wonderful luxury holidays? Maybe op has an expensive top of the range car? There must be a good reason why she just accepts this setup. I wonder if op ever wonders where all his spare cash is going?? Where is he squirrelling all his cash away? It must be going somewhere and I'd be bloody determined to find out.
If this arrangement continues and he decides to bail out if the marriage oneday im sure he will have a very healthy stash of cash to take with him. The op on the other hand has been unable to save any money at all. I'm flabbergasted that someone could be so passive as to just accept this.

OP, please don’t carry on in this situation. It’s grossly unfair on you and the kids.
Maybe show your dh this thread or something. This cannot continue

He’s not only financially abusing you, but also his own children.

What sort of man earns £90k+£50k in bonuses and won’t pay for lunches for his child? An absolute cunt, that’s who!

Unless you want to spend your best years continuing to be his grossly underpaid housekeeper and nanny then you would be vastly better off by divorcing him.

90k a year and no mortgage. You can go to listentotaxman.com/ and type in 90,000 to see he's getting £5000 net a month. He's probably maxing out his pension though.
Council tax, food - listen he's really coining it at your expense.

I'm sorry you're in a financially abusive relationship. It may be worth reading up on financial control.

He maxes his pension out in one go with some dividends from shares. His private one, not his company one anyway.
I suppose it is normal to me and it takes a massive shift in my thinking to see it as otherwise. Sometimes it happens and I think, my god, and then it shifts back again. I find it hard. Earlier in the week he spend £400 on himself and I had a moment then. That we are basically living two different lifestyles. I’m hoping for birthday money for mascara and so I can get ds more shoes.

Take you out the story OP- his son needs shoes and he doesn’t buy them when he takes home 5k a month....

Omg I absolutely couldn’t tolerate a marriage like this! A marriage means you have shared assets. The law entitles you to a fair share of this and the starting point is half, that’s not half which includes the kids needs.
Why on earth don’t you have a shared account and pay for stuff out this jointly? It’s the same amount of money spent - the change is who pays it and who has the power over it. Really, sit and think about this.

Put this to him and if he doesn’t agree to equal finances divorce him. You’ll be better off financially!

This thread is simultaneously heartbreaking and infuriating.

You are being financially abused. Your husband is an abuser. The kind of bastard who would block your using his money to buy his own DC food! And you're telling yourself you should be grateful because you're not on the street.

No, you should not be grateful. Every person reading this thread is in pity and horror for your shitty situation.

Zerrin I thought that too - but sadly I do know people who are SAHMs and are given a monthly allowance. It’s manipulative control/financial abuse imo to do this yet loads of people seem to think it’s a great thing

He is living the lifestyle of someone who pays £600 a month for a housekeeper, cleaner, cook, nanny, concubine, and driver.

For me the big red flag would be having to ask your retired parents for help. That he has put them into that position is despicable. And your poor children. You may think they don't know what is happening but I grew up working poor and was always painfully aware that I could not ask for what I wanted because it would hurt my parents to have to say 'no we can't afford that.' So I kept quiet.

Please read this list of signs you are in a financially abusive relationship: www.verywellmind.com/financial-abuse-4155224

The Controlling Shared Assets and Resources section is especially relevant.

He has been actively controlling you for years, it will naturally take a while to process that concept.

This is financial abuse. I'd get a credit card in my own name, use it to hire a forensic accountant. Then I'd see a solicitor and divorce him. This does not get better. I have friends who hung on in there, thinking it would improve, they all ended up divorced in their 50s and it was dire and the guy always claimed he'd been rinsed. Once a cunt, always a cunt.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

This is financial abuse. I'd get a credit card in my own name, use it to hire a forensic accountant. Then I'd see a solicitor and divorce him. This does not get better. I have friends who hung on in there, thinking it would improve, they all ended up divorced in their 50s and it was dire and the guy always claimed he'd been rinsed. Once a cunt, always a cunt.

Yup, that is me. I am not SAHM, always had a job but my DH has always been controlling and financially abusive. I am in my 50ties and finally found guts to break free and asked for divorce. The first thing he told me, is that he does not think it is "fair" that I get half of "his" savings.

Yup, that is me. I am not SAHM, always had a job but my DH has always been controlling and financially abusive. I am in my 50ties and finally found guts to break free and asked for divorce. The first thing he told me, is that he does not think it is "fair" that I get half of "his" savings. angry

Yep! A close friend of mine is in her 50s. Took 3 years and cost £70k to divorce him. She did get the 50%, of everything (she hired a forensic accountant first as she knew he was hiding money and it was well worth paying). He tried to sabotage the house sale for years so that had to go back to court. Finally she's free of him. But she 'rinsed' him, she 'never brought anything to the table' (court didn't agree, they had two disabled children), it wasn't 'fair'.

He's never changed.

He moved on to some gullible woman who thinks he'll treat her better.

So sorry OP, this is financial abuse.

We share everything. We discuss big purchases of course but not day to day stuff or treating ourselves to minor things or clothes, going out etc.

We each support the other and our family, our value isn't expressed in pounds and pence.

You're worth so much more than the way he's treating you.

@Greyisthenewpink

He might occasionally say I can have a treat of up to £50 - and I think he thinks he’s being kind and I should be grateful, I know I should. But it makes me feel like shit.

But why did you have a child with him? And why did you then have another child?

Now that it's done I'd tell him he can cough up more money and stop being a tight bastard or you'll divorce him and take half of what's rightfully yours.

My dad was a banker and my mum was a SAHP. The only way to find equality and a peace of mind in this situation is if you did what they did. My dad handed over all banking accesses to my mum despite being sole earner and this was 1973.
He earned the money but she knew exactly what was coming in and going out and she kept the “books”.

Quite how you’ve not had a frank conversation about this is beyond me. He’s doing this because he’s allowed to get away with it.

Protect yourself and protect your kids FFS. And make sure that he shifts everything in those pensions equally into one for you.

Fuck that, I'm sorry but your DH is a cunt and clear as day financially abusing you. Sorry but he earns a minimum of 5k per month and gives you £600. I am heartbroken for you and your children. This is no way to live. Demand access to his earnings - it should all be family money - or prepare yourself for a divorce.

And to add, as others have said, he isn't just financially abusing you but he is also abusing his kids. I mean this in the nicest way possible but it is really time to wise up to this.

Im so sorry for your situation OP, it's horribly abusive.

You would be financially better off Divorcing him, in all honesty.

I find it confusing because he’ll spend money on expensive holidays... but he makes that decision. It is the inequality and the having to ask and knowing that if I ask it’s met with resistance so it’s easier not to ask. I asked if I could have a bit extra last summer when both dc were off and he said no. He occasionally randomly gave me his card when we went out but I don’t like that either. It makes me feel horrible. And I worry if they look at the card and it’s in his name or the card is refused it’ll be difficult.
When it was covid lockdown the first time he was cut to four days and dropped 20% of pay for about two months and so he dropped me to £500 too. I didn’t have as many expenses in terms of petrol and going anywhere so it wasn’t so bad but I didn’t manage to save anything for the later months either.

It's not really confusing OP. It's because he values himself more than he values you and the DC. So he's happy to spend money on things that will benefit him. But not on things for you or them.

@Sadieeloise5687

Zerrin I thought that too - but sadly I do know people who are SAHMs and are given a monthly allowance. It’s manipulative control/financial abuse imo to do this yet loads of people seem to think it’s a great thing

It works if it’s plentiful and transparent, this situation is neither

Until I started working - and I’ve not been paid yet as only just started - I felt that he should have been giving me £1k a month really. Or allowing me joint access. When the money he gives me goes in at the start of the month I breathe a sigh of relief but I can’t ever relax about it.