Would this make you feel you rubbish?

[Greyisthenewpink]

Let me prefix this by saying I know this is largely my own fault.

When we had dc1 we agreed that I would be a sahm - we could afford it as a family and DH has always been away a lot on business. It made sense for both of us that I would be on hand because basically he wasn’t going to give any input into raising the dc. We then had the second dc.
I’ve never had any access to any joint account and I have no savings in my name (used them over the years) and I’ve no pension.
DH has always given me a set amount every month that’s for me and the dc. It’s £600. I use that for whatever they need, plus some of my own personal bills such as phone and car stuff - usually after I’ve paid for petrol (mainly goes on school runs) and some of the day to day shopping expenses and my phone etc I’m left with about £300.
Out of that I pay for the dc’s clothes and because I have them with me any activities or days out etc. It sounds a lot and I’m prepared to be told I’m spoilt but it doesn’t go that far. Especially in school holidays.
However when we are on holiday with DH or on the very occasional day out he accompanies us on he will pay but he never wants to actually get up and pay for anything so he gives me his card and whilst I should be grateful it makes me feel like a child. So if we go for a meal or something he’ll say - here’s my card.
Occasionally he’ll bestow something on me like a new coat or something but I can only really afford it if he says I can have it. He has a LOT more disposable income than me (mortgage free, basic salary of 90k plus bonuses and various other investments) but then he earns it.
I have no gone back to work now my youngest is in pre school, covid has slowed me down a bit in terms of finding something, I will still have a lot less money than him but he’s agreed I can still have the £600 a month as long as I pay for the all the childcare out of my money too which seems fair.
But I’m left with sort of a sense of unease. It’s my fault for being financially dependent on someone else. I’ve found my confidence has taken a real blow, all the decisions have been his because he has all the money. When he travelled I worried about things like the car breaking down or the boiler breaking because I had no access to any money should that happen. I mean if I’d called him he’d have probably transferred me the money but having nothing has made me feel really anxious.
This will pass won’t it? I should know have about £1200 a month after I’ve paid for childcare and it’ll be so much better.

@Dddccc

So his net income is 90k so after tax alone thats 72k ish then he has to pay ni and pensions so probably down to 65k ish he gives you 7.2k a year so has 57.5k that he pays for everything else and saves some of it I don't really get what you are complaining about, if he gave you more money would you just spend it? Or save it as you say the money covers your needs and now you are back working will have more free income and not paying any of the bills

Rtft

@Greyisthenewpink what is your relationship like? Financial issues aside?

Oh god, OP, I wish I'd read to the end of the thread before posting at 19.41. I simply wanted to detail how WE had come to a fair arrangement and then I read that he blocked his card because he didn't want to pay for his child's school dinners?!

Frankly, any ounce of love I had for him would have just died there and then. There is something truly truly awful about a mean man who is quibbling over money for his children. How can you even bear to have sex with someone like that?? How can you even like to be in the same room as him?

If he genuinely is not open to putting you on his account with no quibbles whatsoever, then you need to leave him. You will actually be better off in a divorce settlement, I'm sure of it.

@Greyisthenewpink

Because I have £300 a month that is effectively what’s left for me and the dc and some people don’t have anything.

Some people have less than nothing, your partner, your children’s father isn’t one of them!!!!

It's actually heartbreaking that you think that people would say that you are lucky.

Why on earth would anyone want to do this? You should be lucky. Your husband is a high earner and you've paid off your mortgage. The terrible thing here is that despite this fortunate life he is choosing to do this to you. Why? Would you ever treat him this way. Its revolting. Actually revolting.

@Greyisthenewpink

It sounds like the 1950’s.
You should have got access to a joint account when you did the SAHM deal.

He is playing the big I am, I think you need to tell him it has to change.

I am sorry for you.

@Dddccc

So his net income is 90k so after tax alone thats 72k ish then he has to pay ni and pensions so probably down to 65k ish he gives you 7.2k a year so has 57.5k that he pays for everything else and saves some of it I don't really get what you are complaining about, if he gave you more money would you just spend it? Or save it as you say the money covers your needs and now you are back working will have more free income and not paying any of the bills

Child related costs are a bill!!! Childcare is a bill! Read the thread

OP, I'm not sure if you already mentioned it, I know you said that he is mortgage-free but is the house jointly owned, or is it just his name on the deeds? I'm cringing as I think I might know the answer. You ARE actually married, aren't you? And not just calling him your DH as in the old "common law husband" sense?

He’ll never call anyone on the phone to arrange stuff either - things for the house or deliveries etc. It doesn’t happen that often but I have to ring and do it and then my heart sinks because they ask for card details and I have to say it’s my husband’s card and then I have to put him on to say it’s ok and then take the call back.
I HATE it. Things like when we paid home insurance. I phoned and spoke to them but then have to put him on because the the card owner. Makes me feel like an idiot. It’s probably an overreaction.
He did unblock the card when I asked.
The answer is never be financially reliant on anyone I suppose.
Thank you for all your replies. It’s something to think about. I’ve always felt a bit like it’s just me being over sensitive that I find it so hard that I have very little money whilst he has so much. He has approx another £50k in bonuses over the course of the year, although it does vary and covid will reduce it this year I suspect.

He has really done a number on you.

As for not being able to survive on your own - of course you would, it would just be different, you'd potentially top up with universal credit and adjust your budget and lifestyle a bit.

But you'd have independence, autonomy and wouldn't be being abused anymore.

The way you're living - and the way he's trained you to feel you should consider yourself lucky or grateful for being abused - is extremely sad.

@Greyisthenewpink

Because I have £300 a month that is effectively what’s left for me and the dc and some people don’t have anything.

You have 300 a month for you and your children. You're left scrimping at the end of the month, whilst your partner has anything he wants.

No that's not lucky OP

I don't think you're listening to anyone, OP. You think this is ok, but a little bit annoying.

Please read the whole thread again. People are horrified.

I'm currently getting divorced from a twat the same as this. Except he used to give me £100 a month which eventually rose to £350. It won't get better. Luckily once my kids got older I have managed to get myself a job to be paid really well and can afford to support myself and the children because if I didn't it would've been impossible to separate. I desperately wish I had left years ago but I know I couldn't have because I wasn't financially able to - and I guess that's where he wanted me. I hope you can improve the situation xx

No, you are not overreacting.

No, you are not over sensitive.

Anybody would be upset and have their self-esteem eroded by this.

If anything you are under-reacting.

Tell him to stop being a tight arse. He'll have to weigh out more than £600 a month when you leave him for the way he's treating you. WTF should you pay all the childcare?

@Greyisthenewpink

He’ll never call anyone on the phone to arrange stuff either - things for the house or deliveries etc. It doesn’t happen that often but I have to ring and do it and then my heart sinks because they ask for card details and I have to say it’s my husband’s card and then I have to put him on to say it’s ok and then take the call back. I HATE it. Things like when we paid home insurance. I phoned and spoke to them but then have to put him on because the the card owner. Makes me feel like an idiot. It’s probably an overreaction. He did unblock the card when I asked. The answer is never be financially reliant on anyone I suppose. Thank you for all your replies. It’s something to think about. I’ve always felt a bit like it’s just me being over sensitive that I find it so hard that I have very little money whilst he has so much. He has approx another £50k in bonuses over the course of the year, although it does vary and covid will reduce it this year I suspect.

Why do you think so little of yourself that you think he is entitled to over 80k net to himself and you get less than 4k- forget you then, why are your children worth so little?

It takes a lot to upset me. Reading this thread made me tear up and my heart hurt.

I'm a sahm my husband earns the money but everything goes into a shared account. We only check with each other if we want to make a large purchase. All that money is shared. We both agree that it's best to make sure that at least x amount is always there, so we never go crazy, spending. You shouldn't be given pocket money and expected to be grateful. Everything should be shared.

FFS it gets more and more grim. He's getting more in bonuses on top of his annual wage than some families have to live on and you're feeling grateful for a measly £600.

I know, the bonuses are . What is he actually spending his money on, OP, if you're mortgage-free? There's nowhere he can go at the moment because of COVID so he must be brewstered. And STILL he makes you scrimp.

I never normally comment on posts OP, but this thread had made me feel so sad for you that you are being treated like this- up until the part when your DH blocked the card buying food, I wondered did he not realise how his actions were coming across- did he not understand how much things cost. I'm married to a reasonably high earner, and I've been a sahm- and now I earn a small wage part time- throughout it all I have the only access to the accounts, Dh actually has an allowance to buy petrol etc, this was his choice. He rarely spends- wouldn't buy himself anything at all- but understand that he isn't good at seeing what the children need so I do all that. Blocking a card you were accessing for the child's food would be grounds for divorce in my mind- and I don't say that lightly. Please confide in your parents or a friend to maybe get some perspective on this- as I don't think you seem as though you are ready to see this as we all do. Abuse becomes very normalised within families- and you need to see this situation clearly.

OP you need to adjust your thinking. You need to stop thinking that what you have compared to other families makes you lucky. The point here is how you compare to your LIFE PARTNER. You are being deliberately diminished. It is not a way to live. As a once SAHM, this is not ok. Bringing up kids where roles are different is hard enough without financial abuse. Do not allow this.

@lovestopaint

I never normally comment on posts OP, but this thread had made me feel so sad for you that you are being treated like this- up until the part when your DH blocked the card buying food, I wondered did he not realise how his actions were coming across- did he not understand how much things cost. I'm married to a reasonably high earner, and I've been a sahm- and now I earn a small wage part time- throughout it all I have the only access to the accounts, Dh actually has an allowance to buy petrol etc, this was his choice. He rarely spends- wouldn't buy himself anything at all- but understand that he isn't good at seeing what the children need so I do all that. Blocking a card you were accessing for the child's food would be grounds for divorce in my mind- and I don't say that lightly. Please confide in your parents or a friend to maybe get some perspective on this- as I don't think you seem as though you are ready to see this as we all do. Abuse becomes very normalised within families- and you need to see this situation clearly.

Totally agree. You get used to being treated a certain way by your DH that you do not realize what he is doing is wrong. I think that going to counseling/therapy will help tremendously putting your situation in perspective, seeing things the way they really are. I realize that not having money is a problem here, but perhaps a friend or a family member can help with the money for now.

This situation is completely unacceptable op.

Are you scared of him? Because if not, you really need to either get him told that this is not on and demand that things change, or you need to seek help to get out of your marriage.