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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says I smell all the time..

226 replies

Likeroses · 05/05/2021 15:02

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum, when we first met he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times. I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.
It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I've had episodes of BV so I use the gel everyday gp said I have no infection I wash before sex and afterwards. Just feeling sick of having to be 100 percent freshly showered for him to come near me.
We briefly separated around two years ago and I had a fling he loved how I smelt.

It's really bothering me.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 05/05/2021 15:03

I couldn’t live like that. Sounds exhausting.

inmyslippers · 05/05/2021 15:04

It's him not you

Horehound · 05/05/2021 15:04

That birth story is awful, I'm sorry he said that to you.
Do you honestly feel like you want to continue in this relationship?

Soubriquet · 05/05/2021 15:05

Autism or not I couldn’t live like that

He is being unintentionally abusive and that would be a deal breaker for me

LadyDanburysHat · 05/05/2021 15:06

As already said, it's not you. He has issues, and the birth story is absolutely awful.

Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 05/05/2021 15:06

DTMFA

Soubriquet · 05/05/2021 15:07

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep

DTMFA
Eh?
Holothane · 05/05/2021 15:07

God help your poor baby if he/she has a dirty nappy is baby going to dirty as well, you can’t live like this.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 05/05/2021 15:07

He’s an utter prick.

Mumoblue · 05/05/2021 15:10

Reminds me of an awful thing I saw on the Reddit relationship board- this poor woman’s partner kept telling her she smelt bad to the point where it was driving her mad and she was showering all the time and then it turned out he was doing it to make her feel bad about herself so she wouldn’t think she could do better. She dumped him!

Not saying it’s the same thing, but that’s where my mind went. I would say he should talk to someone about his fixation with this. If he’s not willing to stop it, I’d walk away. You don’t need a bloke making you feel shit.

Original poster
Likeroses · 05/05/2021 15:10

@Holothane

God help your poor baby if he/she has a dirty nappy is baby going to dirty as well, you can’t live like this.
My DD is now 7 and I changed mostly all of her nappies when she as around 12 months on holiday she was constipated so I went out to get some constipation treatment. When I came back she did a poo explosion everywhere all over him I did have a little chuckle. He also tells DD she isn't allowed to spray any perfume as that smells. I'm dreading her reaching puberty as he will tell her she smells as well.
OP posts:
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep · 05/05/2021 15:12

Dump The Motherfucker Already

Soubriquet · 05/05/2021 15:13

Oh OP please leave him

If he manages to make you self conscious as an adult, imagine how your poor dd will be once puberty sets in? It could make her suicidal at worst. OCD at best

ChameleonKola · 05/05/2021 15:16

Initially I was going to say that it’s good he’s told you the problem, better that than for it to affect his attraction to you or you not realise you have a health issue like BV...

But then I saw what you said happened during the labour. What the fuck? Labour is a disgusting, messy, gory process. What did he expect it to be like?

If you’ve seen your GP recently and they’re certain you don’t have an infection then he’s either knowingly abusing you or he just isn’t compatible with your normal healthy smell. This is such a major issue, are you planning to stay with him? What about when he starts shaming your daughter about her normal bodily scents and functions? I couldn’t bear that. Even when DC does a spectacular nappy we have a pact never to ever say ‘eww’ or ‘stinky’ or make him feel bad or ashamed of it. Ever. The idea makes me feel sick.

flashylamp · 05/05/2021 15:19

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum,

This doesn't turn people into cunts.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 05/05/2021 15:19

Honestly, why would you want him anywhere near you?!

CervixHaver · 05/05/2021 15:23

Please don't let him damage your DD emotionally

Tornfuture123 · 05/05/2021 15:26

Sounds like an ex of mine. Strongly suspected aspergers for various reasons - so did his ex partners. He wouldn't do oral, didn't touch my vagina, didn't even kiss during sex. He would tell me very bluntly when my breath smelt (after eating garlic - as if he smelt of roses!). He bathed every morning for an hour. We stopped having sex in the end, as he felt I had put too much weight - I was still very healthy. I didn't miss his small penis, let's just put it that way!

Tornfuture123 · 05/05/2021 15:29

Before anyone reports my post, I am not trying to cast those with Aspergers or autism in a negative way at all. Just sharing my similar experience of certain behaviours that caught me off guard at the time.

That being said, people with autism are still people, and are capable of emotional abuse and control, just like other people. Its not the autism itself. It's about the person.

Lweji · 05/05/2021 15:53

In MN speak, it's LTB. But I like DTMFA, preferably shortened to DTMF.

His issues with smell are for him to deal with.
The more you clean the more he will demand it. Just not worth it.
Give him the choice to leave or deal with the normal smells of normal people.

dreamingbohemian · 05/05/2021 15:54

I'm dreading her reaching puberty as he will tell her she smells as well.

Jesus Christ, just think of the emotional damage he'll inflict on her.

You're her mother. What are you going to do to protect her?

pointythings · 05/05/2021 15:57

He's either a twat or he just has an extremely, extremely acute sense of smell, to the point where the normal smells of the world are overwhelming to him. If it's that, it's on him to find a strategy to learn to live with it. Either way, you can't continue like this because it will impact your DD and it's wearing you down. Your relationship may have to end.

QueeniesCroft · 05/05/2021 15:57

I don't think I could bear to have sex with a man who refused to touch me because I smelled so bad, but was prepared to fuck me anyway. How humiliating!

Unless he is willing to seek help for his problem, I don't see a future for you together.

Brokenpencilsarepointless · 05/05/2021 15:57

Jesus. He was a poor choice for a father. I'm in that camp with you; my kids' dad walked off and we didnt see him for 4 years, so you're definitely not alone in the poor father material boat.

If you even think he is going to tell a girl going through puberty that she smells, then you need to leave him. Leave him now. You were in labour and he yelled at you to get clean. Bloody hell. I cannot believe what I'm hearing. Your poor daughter cannot grow up like that. Please take action.

NailsNeedDoing · 05/05/2021 15:58

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.