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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP says I smell all the time..

226 replies

Likeroses · 05/05/2021 15:02

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum, when we first met he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times. I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.
It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I've had episodes of BV so I use the gel everyday gp said I have no infection I wash before sex and afterwards. Just feeling sick of having to be 100 percent freshly showered for him to come near me.
We briefly separated around two years ago and I had a fling he loved how I smelt.

It's really bothering me.

OP posts:
baldafrique · 05/05/2021 22:00

The cries of "disablism" will be here soon tho of course...missing the point wildly as usual.

Original poster
Likeroses · 05/05/2021 22:04

@HollowTalk

(Though I do sympathise with him over smelly feet.)
This is straight from coming in from a 13 hour shift of course my feet aren't going to smell of roses but I'm not allowed to sit and have a cup of tea first I have to go upstairs and shower in case the smell offends him or he will go on and on.
OP posts:
ShoppingPrecinctPrincess · 05/05/2021 22:07

This is no way to live, OP. Being treated like an orifice worth fucking while he holds his nose. Gross.

The possible autism is a red herring. He's just a dick.

You can have a better life away from this man, away from his abuse.

baldafrique · 05/05/2021 22:08

He will end up doing the same to your daughter Sad

Original poster
Likeroses · 05/05/2021 22:09

I've actually just asked my DP why he's with me if I'm so disgusting and I stink. He says he doesn't think that so I asked him why he says it all the time he then changed the subject.

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 22:10

@baldafrique

Awful Sad I hate the narrative that people with ASD cannot be unkind or cruel. It is so patronising and just a massive load of shit that negates the lived experiences of family members.
I agree not all are. But some are indeed. It's like anything else in humanity.

But again, it is not the OPs problem to solve and her husband is very abusive.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 22:11

Like, none of that matters. The ONLY thing that does is that he is abusive. His behaviour is abuse and your daughter is in an abusive home. There's nothing to save here but her and you.

SeaTurtles92 · 05/05/2021 22:11

@Likeroses

I've actually just asked my DP why he's with me if I'm so disgusting and I stink. He says he doesn't think that so I asked him why he says it all the time he then changed the subject.
Don't let him change the subject. Keep bringing it up.
baldafrique · 05/05/2021 22:12

Agree 100%. OP needs to focus on herself and her DD.

flashylamp · 05/05/2021 22:12

@baldafrique

Awful Sad I hate the narrative that people with ASD cannot be unkind or cruel. It is so patronising and just a massive load of shit that negates the lived experiences of family members.

It's not half as damaging as people labelling their OH with ASD to justify their abuse.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 22:13

Doesn't matter how much she brings it up. Nothing will change. He's abusive.

baldafrique · 05/05/2021 22:16

OP, IF your DH had diagnosed ASD, what difference would it make anyway, in your mind? Would you see it as an 'excuse' as PP have suggested? Because it wouldnt be.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 22:17

True, bald. My son does have a ASD diagnosis. But that type of behaviour in a functioning adult is totally unacceptable.

baldafrique · 05/05/2021 22:20

I bet this all started once you were married and it seemed like a done deal to him Angry

Tornfuture123 · 05/05/2021 22:25

Yep keep calling him out on it OP! It will stop him doing it given his reaction.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 22:29

@baldafrique

I bet this all started once you were married and it seemed like a done deal to him Angry
And from the sounds of it, in the opening post the OP states he showered before and after sex from the time they first met, each and every time, which says a lot about the poor woman's self-esteem Sad
CandyLeBonBon · 05/05/2021 22:32

My eldest is an aspie. He has a very sensitive sense of smell and taste. He is terrified of smelling because he says he can smell himself (no one else can). He can also be very blunt.

He absolutely would not treat anyone the way your dh treats you.

Because he's not an arsehole. He's just autistic.

5zeds · 05/05/2021 22:59

I hate the narrative that people with ASD cannot be unkind or cruel similarly I hate the narrative that autistic people are unkind, cruel etc etc because it ignores the lived experience of those whose experience is the opposite.

NameChange2PostThis · 05/05/2021 23:12

@Likeroses

I've actually just asked my DP why he's with me if I'm so disgusting and I stink. He says he doesn't think that so I asked him why he says it all the time he then changed the subject.
@Likeroses don’t let him change the subject. Ask him again. And again. Or just tell him. That’s it. That you never ever want to hear him say anything about smells ever again. One more word and he’s gone. Tell him. Please. For your DD, if not for yourself. This is no way to live. Flowers
IdblowJonSnow · 05/05/2021 23:13

I agree OP. Fair enough if you want to out up with this, although you shouldn't, but not fair on your DD to be subjected to this.

NewlyGranny · 05/05/2021 23:19

After 13 hours on your feet, he should be waiting with a footbath of warm, scented water, a fluffy towel and a cup of tea ready.

StatisticallyChallenged · 05/05/2021 23:34

@5zeds

I hate the narrative that people with ASD cannot be unkind or cruel similarly I hate the narrative that autistic people are unkind, cruel etc etc because it ignores the lived experience of those whose experience is the opposite.
But that's the point isn't it - autistic people are a hugely diverse group of people. We share some very broad areas of "impairment" but even within that the diversity is enormous. And that's only a part of us. We still have distinct personalities which will be just as varied as the rest of the population. Some will be charming and kind. Some will be take em or leave em types. And some will be utter assholes.

Of course the autism and the effects of it interact with personality, and it can make people behave inappropriately - sometimes in response to sensory stimulation.

But whilst being in a relationship with someone with autism might mean making some adjustments and being considerate of whatever difficulties they have, it isn't a free pass to be abusive.

Whether this charmer has ASD or not doesn't really matter, because the way he is acting is unacceptable and causing the OP distress. Even if (and I personally think it's a bloody massive if tbh) he's autistic/has SPD and genuinely cannot stand the smell of the OP then a) the way he conveys that is totally horrendous and B) it's not a problem she can fix because he seems to moan at her natural smell unless the shower gel is still dripping off her. It's not like trying to tweak the house to get the right sensory environment- it's her body.

So if he can't learn to keep his offensive thoughts about her body to himself then it's not workable. Regardless of any condition he may or may not have she doesn't have to live with this cruel behaviour.

FarAwayF0rever10 · 05/05/2021 23:51

For me it would be the straw that broke the camels back

One demand too many
One derogatory comment too many

I would just turn around and walk away

Life is far too short to be miserable

Life is too short, not to have better sex

5zeds · 06/05/2021 00:02

But that's the point isn't it - autistic people are a hugely diverse group of people. well yes that IS the point.

pointythings · 06/05/2021 10:13

The bottom line is that he doesn't bring anything positive to your life. He tells you that you smell, uses you like a sex doll, refuses to give you pleasure. ASD is really a red herring here - you would be better off without him, and he would be better off without you. He could live alone in a smell-free home with a sex doll to meet his needs.