DP says I smell all the time..

[Likeroses]

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum, when we first met he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times. I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.
It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I've had episodes of BV so I use the gel everyday gp said I have no infection I wash before sex and afterwards. Just feeling sick of having to be 100 percent freshly showered for him to come near me.
We briefly separated around two years ago and I had a fling he loved how I smelt.

It's really bothering me.

I think if the OP has told him how he makes her feel (assuming she has) and he hasn't taken any steps to address that, he's a not a nice person. If someone you love tells you that your behavior is hurting them and you don't do anything about it, then I think you may be a cunt.

He sounds like he's mentally ill, or a dickhead. Or both.

Out of interest, why would you even WANT to have sex with him? I'd be running a mile. He sounds like a horrible bastard.

It does amaze me how many women have babies with horrible men.

@poppycat10 I'm not amazed women have kids with abusive men. Men like this usually don't drop the mask until they know you're trapped (pregnant, jobless). My amazement are at the women who stay after the man has shown his true self. Especially if they have an avenue to escape.

@NailsNeedDoing

It isn't the OP's responsibility to fix an abusive man

I completely agree, but if she loves him enough to have had a child with him, and considering the term ‘abusive’ is quite a stretch seeing as all he’s done is be honest and communicate in the only way he knows how, it would be worth making some effort to fix the problem (not the man) before leaving over it.

He shouted at her in while she was in labour. If that is “the only way he knows how to communicate with her”, there isn’t really much point in remaining in the relationship is there?

@BuggerBognor

You are not telling me that a man who has such functionality that he can mask all day in a highly sensory environment hasn't got the ability to understand this way of communicating is wrong.

I’m saying, anecdotally, that is exactly what my son does. He has classical autism, ASC and ARFID. He’s fully functioning at school - top 1% in IQ terms - between 9am and 3pm and then pretty much catatonic for hours because he’s home and “safe”.

I’m not condoning what the OP’s partner has done - it’s awful. But he may (note: may) have SPD and struggle to articulate it in an appropriate way. I suggested that the OP explore this if she was minded to stay - particularly as she doesn’t seem to have dumped him after the birth incident.

The pile on in which he is berated for being Satan incarnate really should be tempered by the possibility that he is suffering from some kind of disability. Had I not experienced similar with DS I probably would have been in the LTB camp too.

Masking at school and not understanding not to be a cunt to your partner are not the same. You are trying to make a ridiculous comparison to defend a man who has been labelled autistic by his partner who hasn't got the what for to leave him so is looking to excuse his behaviour.

The pile on in which he is berated for being Satan incarnate really should be tempered by the possibility that he is suffering from some kind of disability. Had I not experienced similar with DS I probably would have been in the LTB camp too.

She should leave him anyway. I mean even if you are right and this absolutely fully functional adult just can't understand how to treat one person out of his entire contacts then she should still leave. She doesn't have to put up with that irrespective of why. But let's not label abusers with autism.

@Likeroses I am so sorry for you.

You deserve better than this. You need to leave. This is a very abusive relationship!

The apologists on this thread are an utter disgrace.

why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

It could be.

He'll probably be happier living alone then where he can fully control his environment and not be around another living being.

Her duty is to her child. She needs protecting.

[quote flashylamp]@BuggerBognor

People really need to educate themselves about what autism isn’t.

They most certainly do.

whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.

This, this isn't autism. This is out and out abusive and completely avoidable behaviour. You are not telling me that a man who has such functionality that he can mask all day in a highly sensory environment hasn't got the ability to understand this way of communicating is wrong.

Now I know some people with autism really do lack communication skills to the point where this behaviour would come through. These people are not fully functioning and employed. These people will struggle with communication across the board . [/quote]
this

Im autistic
my daughter is autistic
my son is autistic
my partner is autistic

NONof us, even when going through some of the worst times in our lives, NONE of us have screamed nasty personal abusive crap at other
even when my daughter was school refusing, when she was hiding in her wardrobe completely melting down everyday, when everything set her on edge and off, did she ever resort to personal insults

OPs husband manages to work as a HCP, where smells MUCH stronger than normal vaginal smells are present. and has, by all accounts, never got so overwhelmed that he screams at one of them

He only hates the 'feminine' smell of the DDs perfume - so all other stuff is OK - does he wear deoderant? Can he cope with washing powder?

I have a horrible feeling that he actually hates women.

Honestly, it doesn’t matter whether he is deliberately being abusive to OP, or having a meltdown after masking all day.

OP does not need to stay in a relationship where she is shouted at and told she stinks, where their sex life consists of him sticking his dick in her while telling her how disgusting her body is, or any of the rest of it.

She can leave him because their relationship is horrible and damaging, regardless of whose fault it is.

Oh @Likeroses
I'd leave why on earth would you think it's ok to live like that

Do yourself a favour, autism or not that's not normal behaviour

DTCA

I think this is rather appalling autism or not. Tbh there would be other things going on if it were autism not just smells but a variety of things such as routine rigidity, stimming behaviour, rigid way of thinking, speaking logically about everything. The list goes on.

Could be OCD but still it's very damaging for him to do this to you and make you feel like s*
He needs to get help, it's not normal behavior unless of course he's on the spectrum which i doubt.

@BuggerBognor

Masking at school and not understanding not to be a cunt to your partner are not the same.

Kind of is though. After school, DS bites, kicks and punches us. He screams at the dog for no good reason. He’s positively angelic the rest of the time. What would that look like in a grown-ass man?

As I’ve said about 100 times now, if the OP is minded to stay with this person, then exploring a diagnosis of SPD and/or autism might help them both.

That’s it.

You can say as many times as you like, but it won't make you correct. Treating your partner like shit doesn't mean you have SPD/ASD.

It's surprising (worrying even) how keen you are to defend a man who has acted appallingly to his partner, simply because you have a son with a diagnosis. If anything you should be defending the rights of those who are diagnosed not to be lumped in to a box based on the abuse of others.

I have Asperger's. I would never act like this. I used to have behaviours that would make people not want to be around me, so guess what; eventually I learnt and I changed.

I know not everyone can, but equally no-one should be miserable because a suspected or confirmed "disability" somehow trumps their human rights to be respected and to be comfortable in their own home. A formal diagnosis might help him, but I don't think it would help her in any way.

What about when your dd has her periods? He has to learn just because he has autism does not give him a free pass to be nasty to you and dad. He needs to learn to think before he opens his mouth. He is being very offensive and I hope you have told him so.

@littlepattilou

The apologists on this thread are an utter disgrace.

Yes, they are.

Every thread on which male abuse of females is discussed, whether it's on the basis of disability, NAMALT, or women being misandrists, someone will excuse their abusive behaviour somehow.

Women should be aiming to break away from the internalizing of misogyny in this way, rather than trying to convince other women to adhere to it.

It's not the victims' fault. Responsibility for this form of behaviour lies with the abuser and nowhere else.