DP says I smell all the time..

[Likeroses]

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum, when we first met he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times. I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.
It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I've had episodes of BV so I use the gel everyday gp said I have no infection I wash before sex and afterwards. Just feeling sick of having to be 100 percent freshly showered for him to come near me.
We briefly separated around two years ago and I had a fling he loved how I smelt.

It's really bothering me.

There have been lots of similar threads on MN over the years. A number of the women were desperately ashamed to post about this issue in the first place, which seemed to be because at least some of them seemed to have internalised this and were asking themselves whether this were actually true. And a good many appeared on the threads to say this had happened to them, too.

Women who maintain normal bodily hygiene practices don't smell offensive unless they have a bacterial infection. It's also deeply concerning what you say about your DD spraying scent. There are scented products around homes all the time: cleaning products, cooking smells, sprays etc. Does he complain equally vociferously about them, or is it specifically a 'feminine' thing? If so, you need to ensure your DD isn't exposed to this particularly nasty brand of misogyny.

This is an aside from ASD. And of course it bothers you. Not only is it a deeply unpleasant thing to say to someone, it's a variation on a familiar theme. This is old misogynistic script to destroy and erode women's confidence.

Don't let him do this to you.

Some people have very heightened senses. one of my DC has a very heightened sense of taste - can basically tell the difference between tap water from different places! they are not on the spectrum, they just have a heightened sense, are aware of this and understand that this is something different an unique about them. your partner clearly falls into this category in terms of smell. but as others have said this is HIS issue. his to manage not yours. it could of course be some form of obsessive behaviour like constant hand washing. but again thats HIS problem and not yours. I would try and have a conversation about this and how his issues impact you. give him an ultimatum: either he seeks help for his issues or you leave. this is absolutely no way for you to live your life and if left untreated/unresolved it isnt just going to stop its going to get worse and worse. pretty soon it will be nasty remarks about smelling to family, then to friends and pretty soon you will be isolated. dont go down this route. sort things out now.

@dreamingbohemian

I'm dreading her reaching puberty as he will tell her she smells as well.

Jesus Christ, just think of the emotional damage he'll inflict on her.

You're her mother. What are you going to do to protect her?

I've already told him not to say anything to her about smells etc as he cannot do it in a tactful way. He also worked as a HCA in a hospital many years ago I asked him how he coped with the smells such as c diff and vomit he said he just breathed through his mouth.

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

This is so true. I have a son with severe autism and some smells are literally painful to him. However, as adults we can choose who to have relationships with and there is no way I could stay with someone who was like this about me.

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

The thing is there are two things going on here there's his sensitivity to smell and the awful way he's handling it and speaking to op.

I have anxiety issues and I'm wondering about adhd. But I have a real sensitivity to sound. There are time when I'm not doing great ill be more snappy with my partner and say can you turn that down. But overall I'm not rude about it. I don't make him feel he's hard of hearing or wrong for liking certain music which annoys me
As that would be shitty. So you see the difference. He may have a sensitivity to smell he can't help. But it's in no way OK to make the op feel like shit about her body because of this.

So I really disagree about the ableist comment. It's not ableist to wnat people to treat others with decency and to not wnat to feel yuur body is unclean when it's not.

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

You have got to be joking here? His disability? What that OP suspects he is autistic because he is acting like a cunt to her

Come on now.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

If he approached it from the point of view that this was a problem HE had, and sought out ways to deal with it, then it would be very different. Autism isn't what makes this man abusive and I think it's very unfair to people with ASD to suggest that it is. His (suspected, not diagnosed) autism might be at the root of the problem, but has he sought a diagnosis, tried to moderate his behaviour, talked it through, or just blamed the OP and treated her like convenient hole?

His dad has a dx of Asperger's that's why I strongly suspect and he has a lot of similar traits to DP. Hence why I think so.

It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I don't know how you can bring yourself to have sex with someone that is basically using you as a wanksock even though you apparently repulse him.

I agree that it doesn’t sound like the DP is communicating very well, but then it’s not surprising if he’s on the autistic spectrum, what with autism primarily being a disorder in social communication.

He doesn’t need to be called a cunt or automatically be labelled as a bad partner, he needs help to communicate more kindly, and understanding of the fact that he has extremely sensitive smell.

Autism or not you don't have to put up with this.
It makes you feel rubbish.
And there's a chance he will upset your DD and leave lasting scars mentioning she smells.

The choice is yours, but I'd LTB.

@NailsNeedDoing

I agree that it doesn’t sound like the DP is communicating very well, but then it’s not surprising if he’s on the autistic spectrum, what with autism primarily being a disorder in social communication.

He doesn’t need to be called a cunt or automatically be labelled as a bad partner, he needs help to communicate more kindly, and understanding of the fact that he has extremely sensitive smell.

It isn't the OP's responsibility to fix an abusive man.

@Sparklfairy

It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I don't know how you can bring yourself to have sex with someone that is basically using you as a wanksock even though you apparently repulse him.

This.

Raise your bar OP, he's treating you like shite.

This is so true. I have a son with severe autism and some smells are literally painful to him. However, as adults we can choose who to have relationships with and there is no way I could stay with someone who was like this about me.

I agree and my son has autism. In fact, I think it's cruel to expect anyone to put up with that and the rudeness around it.

One of my sisters has autism and she would never dream of saying anything like that to someone.

Autism doesn't mean you can treat other people like shit. Shouting at you that you stink when you're in labour??

Is this a relationship you want to be in OP? What's it giving you? Is it making you feel good about yourself?

@NailsNeedDoing

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

Must. Accept. Being. Treated. Like. Shit. Because. Of. His. Disability. Got it.

Nope. Nobody has to accept being made to feel like a fucking leper in their own home. Whatever the root cause of his behaviour, it's his problem to solve if he wants to get along in society. Why does his suspected ASD trump and excuse her feelings and self esteem?!

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

Oh stop this apologia nonsense. He is abusive, and you can't counteract that with "but autism, you're all diabilist". He doesn't have a diagnosis anyway, so don't even.

Being autistic does not equate to being an abusive geebag, and you suggesting that she should just put it down to his (possibly non-existent) disability is appalling.

I agree that it doesn’t sound like the DP is communicating very well, but then it’s not surprising if he’s on the autistic spectrum, what with autism primarily being a disorder in social communication.

OP doesn't get to decide he is autistic as an excuse for his behaviour towards her. This shit gets posted on here over and over again. Yes autism is primarily a communication disorder, but that doesn't mean people with autism get to act like cunts towards others. This man clearly had enough function to manage basic communication as he has not been diagnosed so let's not going handing him a green light to abuse

He doesn’t need to be called a cunt or automatically be labelled as a bad partner, he needs help to communicate more kindly, and understanding of the fact that he has extremely sensitive smell.

He is acting like a cunt. I have sensitivity to smell and sound. I don't act like a don't around my family because of it.

@NailsNeedDoing

I agree that it doesn’t sound like the DP is communicating very well, but then it’s not surprising if he’s on the autistic spectrum, what with autism primarily being a disorder in social communication.

He doesn’t need to be called a cunt or automatically be labelled as a bad partner, he needs help to communicate more kindly, and understanding of the fact that he has extremely sensitive smell.

No, HE needs to own his problems, if he can be bothered, and get help for them. It's not her job to do this. Women are not rehab centres for men.

It isn't the OP's responsibility to fix an abusive man

I completely agree, but if she loves him enough to have had a child with him, and considering the term ‘abusive’ is quite a stretch seeing as all he’s done is be honest and communicate in the only way he knows how, it would be worth making some effort to fix the problem (not the man) before leaving over it.

Autism doesn't require someone to act like an arsehole.

He's being an arsehole.

Not sure I could live like that, tbh. And I certainly wouldn't subject my daughter to such behaviour.

So many women have the bar set very low. They all just need to own it instead of trying to diagnose their shitty men

"ne of my DC has a very heightened sense of taste - can basically tell the difference between tap water from different places! "

That's not 'very heightened' is it? Tap water does taste quite differently in different areas, especially the difference between soft and hard water.

First, he needs to seek help because he is alienating a loving partner and risks losing his marriage and family life.

Second, he can't help what he smells.

Third, he is in total control of what he says.

So if he wants to stay loved up and happy, he needs to stop verbally reporting his reactions to his over-sensitive sense of smell because there's no need for anyone else to know and nobody can change it for him. He just needs to shut up about what he can smell, and that includes facial expressions of disgust, revulsion etc.

How you cope with being routinely approached as if you were Eliza Doolittle on her first visit to Henry Higgins' house I do not know. That is a total passion killer and needs to be passed back to him. As in, "No, I can't fancy being close to you when you treat me like a rancid object. Try again when you actually want to be close to me."

I can't believe you're putting up with a man who won't kiss you and uses you like a blowup doll. Is this the relationship you want your daughter to have? Because by staying, you're teaching your daughter it's okay to let a man repeatedly disrespect your body. Do you work? Is that money the reason you're reluctant to leave? Was there abuse in your childhood? I'm trying to understand why you don't think you and DC deserve better.

And who gives a shit that he might have autism. It's still no reason to treat you wife and daughter like trash.