Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Original poster

DP says I smell all the time..

226 replies

Likeroses · 05/05/2021 15:02

I suspect my DP is on the autistic spectrum, when we first met he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times. I got pregnant with DD and whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath.
It's gotten worse he won't touch my vagina he will literally just do PIV and he won't kiss either.

I've had episodes of BV so I use the gel everyday gp said I have no infection I wash before sex and afterwards. Just feeling sick of having to be 100 percent freshly showered for him to come near me.
We briefly separated around two years ago and I had a fling he loved how I smelt.

It's really bothering me.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 05/05/2021 16:20

I couldn't live like that. It must be exhausting and anxiety provoking. You deserve far better, as does your DD, and I highly doubt you do actually smell at all.

I can't believe that birth story! If DH had tried speaking to me like that when I was giving birth he would have been out of the delivery unit door pretty fast.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 05/05/2021 16:21

One of the things Sally Challens husband used to do to her was this, he said she smelt and insisted she have a shower before he had shower before he would deign to have sex with her. Of all the things he did to her, this really stuck in my mind, that he could effectively insult her and her self esteem was so diminished by him that she would shower at his demand just so she could get the crumbs of his affection with some probably mediocre at best sex. This is what your DH is doing to you, and you really really really do not have to accept it.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 05/05/2021 16:23

@NailsNeedDoing

It isn't the OP's responsibility to fix an abusive man

I completely agree, but if she loves him enough to have had a child with him, and considering the term ‘abusive’ is quite a stretch seeing as all he’s done is be honest and communicate in the only way he knows how, it would be worth making some effort to fix the problem (not the man) before leaving over it.

Love is respect and if you don't love and respect yourself first, then no one else will. HE needs to 'fix' the problem, not her. He is the one with the problem. Love in no way obligates the OP to put up with abuse like this, in fact, that's not love at all. And people have children with strangers, love has nothing to do with that, either.

Closetbeanmuncher · 05/05/2021 16:24

Agree with flashy.

Funny how the denial excuse for twat like behaviour is autism and the excuse for cheating is depression. Every time I see one of these posts I eyeroll myself into another dimension.

OP there is absolutely no way he would have been able to work in the job and stomach those smells without a physical reaction if his sense of smell is that strong.

Blatently trying to neg OP and damage her self esteem. Nasty piece of work.

HamAndCheeseToastie5032 · 05/05/2021 16:24

whilst in labour he told me I smelt and shouted at me to get in the bath

I don't think the term 'abusive' is a stretch here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2021 16:25

"His dad has a dx of Asperger's that's why I strongly suspect and he has a lot of similar traits to DP. Hence why I think so".

You may well be barking up the wrong tree. If he does not have any formal diagnosis you cannot directly assume he is anywhere on the autistic spectrum.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

BlackMarauder · 05/05/2021 16:26

Also seeing that this man humiliated and yelled at you while you laboured with his child? And you still stayed with him after that? Come on @Likeroses you know this isn't right.

Cornettoninja · 05/05/2021 16:27

The obvious comment is a LTB but if you’re looking to salvage the situation then I think he needs to acknowledge he the one with a problem (related to autism or not). You can’t live your lives treading on eggshells because he has an issue with normal smells.

Ground rules could be he doesn’t comment on smells he finds bearable, opens a window if he’s struggling or pops a dab of vicks under each nostril. If a smell is truly intolerable and can be easily resolved like avoiding a certain food or scented product then that’s within the realms of reasonable so long as he doesn’t expect 100% adherence for foods that you’re entitled to consume outside the house.

It’s a tough one in some respects because sensory sensitivities aren’t easy to manage and can become an overblown focal point to the perceiver but your DP can’t manage his issue in a way that isn’t hurtful to other people or with the understanding that he’s the one who needs to adjust his behaviour if he doesn’t like perfectly normal smells. I’m not unsympathetic, I can’t bear perfectly normal crunching/chewing/slurping noises but that’s my problem and it’s up to me to find strategies to deal with them.

aiwblam · 05/05/2021 16:29

Asperger’s is a reason for many things. Hypersensitive smell is one. However, it isn’t a reason for being a rude shit. Μy DS has an extremely strong sense of smell. he’s a teen. He doesn’t tell people they smell!!!!!

Sparklfairy · 05/05/2021 16:30

I think to put it in perspective, a lot of women have a heightened sense of smell when pregnant. I've never been pregnant but it sounds pretty debilitating at times!

It's not uncommon to read on here that suddenly women could really 'smell' their DP and they didn't like it.

I haven't heard of too many of them going round being downright rude and insulting about it though. Because they know it's their issue.

Ok to say, 'I'm really sorry DP, but I'm going to have to sit over here and not snuggle on the sofa with my face in your armpti because for some reason you're setting me off tonight!' and make light of it.

Not ok to shag your partner practically with your eyes squeezed shut and a peg on your nose which is what the OP is dealing with right now.

nancywhitehead · 05/05/2021 16:31

Does he have any insight into this OP? Does he know that his behaviour is unusual and that his requirements are putting a lot of pressure on you? Does he have any suspicions that he may be autistic and will he look into it?

I would say if he has some insight then you can potentially work through it. He can get counselling and help with this OCD around smells to get it to a level that you can both live with.

He has no right to place any requirements on you for how often you need to shower; this is his issue to deal with and I expect he would be the same whoever he was with. So if he wants to have a happy family life he needs to address it.

OmniversalSpecies2021 · 05/05/2021 16:32

he would shower before and after we had sex I mean every time so if we had sex 5 times in a day he would shower all those times
It's him - not you!

I had a brief casual fling with a guy years ago who was like this....it doesn't get better and taks the fun and spontaneity out of the relationship.

And it isn't the 'smell'.......it's the thought they have in their heads about the 'germs' and 'infection' and essentially being OCD about it.

amusedbush · 05/05/2021 16:33

I'm autistic and I gag at the smell of perfumes, air fresheners, scented candles, etc. They are overwhelming and really bother me.

However, it's not carte blanche for me to go around telling people they stink, even if the urge is there. He clearly has massive issues and you don't have to put up with it.

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 05/05/2021 16:34

Fuck that!
Honestly the best thing you can do for you and your child is leave!
He knows right from wrong.
He's being a dick!
Pack his bags and tell him to go

apalledandshocked · 05/05/2021 16:34

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

Obviously, it’s not going to be nice to be told that you smell, but why can’t you just acknowledge that this isn’t your husband being unkind for the sake of it and that this is down to his disability that can cause a very heightened sense of smell.

No, sorry it isnt disablist to be shocked by this. I have a very sensitive sense of smell anyway and while I was pregnant it went through the roof. I could smell everyones body ordour - not just stinky people but my colleagues who I am sure washed every morning. I could tell if someone had been drinking milk the night before. But I didnt take it out on them because it was MY issue - everyone has a natural smell, it was just that my heightened senses made me more aware of it. I can completely understand that being autistic can make people blunter. But there is no reason to shout at someone in labour. Or to stop their daughter using perfume or, as the OP fears he will, to tell an adolescent they smell. He presumably coped while working in hospital so he can control himself. But even if he can't - the OP shouldnt have to go through that.

ferretface · 05/05/2021 16:36

Sounds totally abusive and I would leave.

Mydarlingmyhamburger · 05/05/2021 16:38

@NailsNeedDoing

It’s well known that people on the autistic spectrum can have very sensitive senses, it’s likely that what would be very mild smells to most people are actually very strong to him.

There are some nasty disablist posts on this thread already, and considering so many of us on here have autistic children, I’m surprised at how small minded MN can be sometimes.

He screamed at his partner to get in the bath when she was literally giving birth to his baby. Don’t pretend this is anything other than abuse!

Lovemusic33 · 05/05/2021 16:39

I dated someone like this for a while, it drove me nuts with the having to shower straight after sex, no oral, hardly any touching.

It’s obviously him with the issue and not you. I’m not sure I could put up with it as long as you have, everyone has their own smell and he needs to except that things can’t always be squeaky clean. Washing your genitals 5 times a day is just crazy and more likely to cause thrush than not washing.

Tornfuture123 · 05/05/2021 16:39

Can you say to him abruptly that he’s being disgusting and no woman would want to be anywhere near his cock? Sometimes when I used to snap back at my ex, he would take note. It’s like it’s the only way he knew to communicate. Don’t put up with it - give him a taste of his own medicine. Stupid twat (him, not you OP).

CombatBarbie · 05/05/2021 16:39

Was he like this in the beginning of your relationship? No kissing or intimate touching, has that also always been like that? In doing that you're just a glorified live sex doll....which is no way to live.

You do realise the excessive washing of your bits to get some emotional/sexual attention will have been making it worse whilst the BV was active. Using the gel daily will only make your body immune to future treatment.

BluePeterVag · 05/05/2021 16:39

I had the same from an ex partner. His excuse for his lack of sex drive was that I smelt. I went to my GP, who tested me several times. There was absolutely nothing wrong with me.
I tried different washing powders, fragrance free etc, and still he complained. It was his issue, not mine. It did knock my confidence.
I left, and have never regretted it. It was no way to live. His issues where in his own mind. I never have a complaint before, or since. LTB.

Tomyoneandonly · 05/05/2021 16:42

Op most of pp are a little roughness. Sounds like your dp has an extremely sensitive nose but there's no need to say that you smell. He is out of order by giving you a complex. He needs to go to the gp and sort his nose out. Have you tried using a defuser? I've an extremely sensitive nose and I pick weird smells up all the time it's not nice. Especially in the summer I can't go out as all I can smell is bo its awful. I get pricribed nose spray to numb the top of my nose so I can't smell anything. Not sure how many people suffer this although it's not good. He is inconsiderate and I wouldn't ever tell anyone they smell Especially my dp. I do call my dd smell as a nickname although I think she smells like a breath of fresh air. Try and not let it bother you we all smell. I bet he smells to. I would pick him up on his smell.

BuggerBognor · 05/05/2021 16:46

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster

Likeroses · 05/05/2021 16:48

@CombatBarbie

He did do the kissing stuff and oral but I think that was more out of obligation as it slowly stopped and the accusations of smelling started. He also mentioned a lady he dated had spikey leg hair coming through her leggings and he really hated the feeling of it. I never thought much of it at the time but seems like a really odd thing to be bothered about.

OP posts:

steff13 · 05/05/2021 16:49

I would have LTB after the childbirth incident. He doesn't care enough about your feelings to refrain from being horrible to you, so what is even left in this relationship?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 9 10

Swipe left for the next trending thread