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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post Affair

292 replies

heartlex · 02/05/2021 16:16

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

OP posts:
NeilBuchananisBanksy · 02/05/2021 16:51

You might want it to work out but it won't if he keeps sticking it elsewhere. You can't save your relationship on your own. He had his chance.

Sorry I know this isn't what you want to hear but you need to leave. He won't change.

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 16:53

He’s cheated on you twice that you know of.
How many more times are you going to let him dip his wick before you decide to end it ?

CornishTiger · 02/05/2021 16:54

I can almost guarantee that when he feels like it he’ll be messaging her again. If not someone else.

Men like this don’t change. Sorry. Might not be for months for even years but you’ll always be on guard.

Tinkling · 02/05/2021 16:56

Unfortunately OP he broke your marriage vows and then AFTER telling you it was a mistake and he was committed to you again, he did the same thing?!

He will do it again. And again. And again.

Cut your losses and find someone who deserves you.

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 16:57

And get yourself an STI check.

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 16:58

I know you’re probably right but I want to give it one last shot especially after witnessing him end it & the state of him when I said I was done.

Has anyone been in this situation that can give me hope... or a dose of reality?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/05/2021 16:58

You are flogging a dead horse. I would say rather than losing your dignity and staying “for the sake of the baby” you end it before he causes you any more emotional harm.

A man that hurts the mother of his child in this way, repeatedly, is a poor father and between you would be modelling a dysfunctional relationship

PhillipPhillop · 02/05/2021 17:08

He only ended it when you found out. He'll just be more careful and sneakier next time

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 17:16

@PhillipPhillop

He only ended it when you found out. He'll just be more careful and sneakier next time
I think about that too but he does seem truly remorseful this time & has realised what he would lose.
OP posts:
criminallyinsane · 02/05/2021 17:16

His tears are for himself, not for you, for regret over his actions or for your pain.

Leave him, if you don't he's got away with it - for which he will hold you in contempt, maybe not even consciously - and he will definitely disrespect you again. It's not your fault he is like that, but it is an un-win-able situation for you sadly.

I speak from experience and looking back should have got out at the stage you're at now.

gord2018 · 02/05/2021 17:17

He will
100 hundred percent be sneakier next time . Been through this even moved us miles away from the situation. All was great until we moved back home . Started again

MintMatchmaker · 02/05/2021 17:18

@heartlex

I know you’re probably right but I want to give it one last shot especially after witnessing him end it & the state of him when I said I was done.

Has anyone been in this situation that can give me hope... or a dose of reality?

They’re always in a state when they get caught. He didn’t care about his marriage so much when he got back in touch with her 4 months (maximum) after he was caught the first time did he?

I’m sorry, I know it’s not what you asked, but I would save yourself from going through this a third time.

DinosaurDiana · 02/05/2021 17:18

It’s quite likely you will leave one day, so if I were you I’d get my ‘ducks in a row’ in preparation.

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 17:20

@gord2018

He will 100 hundred percent be sneakier next time . Been through this even moved us miles away from the situation. All was great until we moved back home . Started again
Urggh sorry this happened to you too. Did you witness hhim ending the affair? That’s the thing giving me hope.

He’s given me his phone (she’s blocked) & she lives a couple to hours away so I know they’re not in touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 17:22

@DinosaurDiana

It’s quite likely you will leave one day, so if I were you I’d get my ‘ducks in a row’ in preparation.
Yes, the sober part of me is thinking that way. I’ve had a plan in place since I originally found out & I even have a solicitor that he doesn’t know about.

But I would like to give it one last shot then I can walk away knowing I did everything I could.

OP posts:
Getafuckinggripman · 02/05/2021 17:24

I would bet my life savings that's not the last message he's sent her "she forced me to say that, I want to leave, I can't risk not seeing my kid, just be patient".

What a terrible feeling it is to be betrayed. Fuck him off. This bridge is burned forever and you're better off alone than in half a relationship with a cunt who doesn't respect you. Forgiveness is overrated... time to get stark raving fucking furious.

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 17:26

@criminallyinsane

His tears are for himself, not for you, for regret over his actions or for your pain.

Leave him, if you don't he's got away with it - for which he will hold you in contempt, maybe not even consciously - and he will definitely disrespect you again. It's not your fault he is like that, but it is an un-win-able situation for you sadly.

I speak from experience and looking back should have got out at the stage you're at now.

Thanks for your comment & advice. It’s only been a few days since I found out they restarted the affair so I’m still vibrating. My gut instinct is to just hold us together but realistically I don’t know what’s going to happen. I just want him to commit to trying & he’a saying/doing all the right things now.
OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 17:27

@Getafuckinggripman

I would bet my life savings that's not the last message he's sent her "she forced me to say that, I want to leave, I can't risk not seeing my kid, just be patient".

What a terrible feeling it is to be betrayed. Fuck him off. This bridge is burned forever and you're better off alone than in half a relationship with a cunt who doesn't respect you. Forgiveness is overrated... time to get stark raving fucking furious.

I have waves of fury but I really want full on rage to power me on. Right now I’m a bit scared and shaken.

I really don’t think they have been in touch. I caught him crying yesterday and he admitted he felt heartbroken about OW but knows it’s the right thing to do.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 02/05/2021 17:28

@heartlex do you know for a fact he ended it originally, or did he tell you it had, then it just went underground until you saw the latest messages? They could have staged the ‘endgame’ messaging they did in front of you. Odd that when he refused to talk to her she was apparently saying ‘ok then, all the best, off you pop and don’t contact me again.’ In other words, exactly what you needed to hear to believe it was over. Think of it from her position. Would she not be upset or furious, feeling used, if he has been sleeping with her? Would she not think he at least owed her a conversation? Odd reaction to getting used and dumped like this. This stinks, OP. He could well have warned her and she played along. Affairs are rarely ‘clean breaks’. One of them will be more invested than the other.
If it was finished and then he’s gone back for more then sorry, I’d end it. You can’t trust him and he didn’t change. You’ll spend your life wondering what if.

toocold54 · 02/05/2021 17:33

OP you’re obviously not ready to leave him yet so as a PP said plan for the future by making sure you have your own income incase he leaves you or you decide to leave.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to stop him messaging her or someone else so if you choose to stay you need to put it to the back of your mind else you’ll drive yourself mad.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 02/05/2021 17:40

He was crying for the OW. He admitted himself he was heartbroken. Where is your pride? Where is your anger?

Wake up op. I know that's harsh but open your eyes. He's no prize. He will do this again.

How can you ever trust him?

There is no happy ending here for your relationship.

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 17:40

Hi @Thewookiemustgo, he told me at the time it had ended & he was over her. He admitted he lied when I found the recent messages.

They had been out of touch for a few months until last week (he told her I knew) & they had a phone call then met up to talk. He told her we had separated & admitted to her on the messages that was a lie too. She wasn’t happy on the messages but he was very clear he wanted to work on the marriage and he loved me. She blocked him & vice versa. I have his phone with me now.

There was no time to stage the messages so I don’t think that’s the case. I think the OW is pretty annoyed he’s lied to her as he had to me so perhaps she would have ended it if he hadn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 17:44

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

He was crying for the OW. He admitted himself he was heartbroken. Where is your pride? Where is your anger?

Wake up op. I know that's harsh but open your eyes. He's no prize. He will do this again.

How can you ever trust him?

There is no happy ending here for your relationship.

I can’t police how he feels. If he’s crying over her (& telling me the truth) and still not getting in touch that’s a good sign he’s determined to get over her.
OP posts:
Outbutnotoutout · 02/05/2021 17:47

We will be here to help when he does it again, because he will.

Outbutnotoutout · 02/05/2021 17:49

How long had they been seeing each other?

He didn't confess, you caught him, then you caught him again.