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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post Affair

292 replies

heartlex · 02/05/2021 16:16

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

OP posts:
NoNameNoOne · 02/05/2021 20:56

@PhillipPhillop

He only ended it when you found out. He'll just be more careful and sneakier next time
100% this. He's prob already messaged her to say to play along with his "public" messages to her that he has shown you. Is this really the father figure you want for your child? You deserve someone who treats you with respect. He's a dog. She's trash. You and your baby deserve better x
Runmybathforme · 02/05/2021 20:57

So he’s admitting he’s heartbroken over her ? How can you carry on living this way ? Every time he’s lost in thought, watching TV, or just laying beside you in bed, he’ll be thinking about her and remembering. Where is your pride ?

Wallywobbles · 02/05/2021 20:58

If you want it to really work then you need to ask him to move out and give you space.

It is the only way that he will see you are serious and stop the hysterical bonding. Then if he really wants to he can try and win you back. That's a fair footing for everyone and you both see the alternative. He gets to decide what he wants really without you clouding the issue. He gets to experience seeing very little of his kid and only outside of the family home.

You get to come to terms with what's happened, heal a bit and realize he might not choose you. And that's ok. Because it's not just your choice in the longer term.

Whether it's for 2 weeks or 6 months that's your choice. Your current option is just shoving it under the carpet again.

80sPadme · 02/05/2021 21:06

@heartlex

I know you’re probably right but I want to give it one last shot especially after witnessing him end it & the state of him when I said I was done.

Has anyone been in this situation that can give me hope... or a dose of reality?

I don't know your husband and your situation but FWIW theres are my thoughts. Firstly, huge hugs and well done on being strong enough to post, its a horrible position to be in and you are brave for facing it head on. secondly, i have been in your position and my ex was the same, hysterical when I ended it, begging and pleading, phoned the OW and brutally ended it with her. He then met up with her several times again before i cottoned on thet he was still seeing her. Lastly, if he can lie to your face like that and so unceremoniously ditch the OW and then reel her back in only to ditch her again, he is not a man worth fighting for. You and your child deserve happiness and i dont believe from experience that you will truely have that with him. i hope you are okay and have good support IRL.
Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 21:13

Thanks @80sPadme. When did you decide enough was enough?

OP posts:
spicysechuan · 02/05/2021 21:33

@heartlex how long have you been together?

I understand that you feel vulnerable and a future without him in it is an impossible prospect but this man is showing you who he is.
Pay attention to that. Really observe him.

When I was pregnant with our DC, DH barely left my side. He was so excited about everything. As a new mum, he was so attentive, to make sure I got sleep, was fed and therefore able to feed and care for our infant. He was all over our babies, and could not do enough for them.

How can you try to go on with someone who has been shagging someone else that he loves during these moments?

He is with you because he thinks it is the right thing to do.

You deserve better. Your baby deserves better.

If this was your DC in this situation and coming to you for advice, what would you tell them?

You only get one life. Don't waste it on this twat.

Dancingrain · 02/05/2021 22:10

How long have you been together op? Was he in a relationship with her before you both met?

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 22:29

We’ve been together 10 years. No, they’ve never been romantic before this.

@spicysechuan He was great during my pregnancy too. I don’t want to give him too much credit because lockdowns happened on and off so they couldn’t meet up but during the pregnancy it was an emotional affair, not physical. If he’s to be believed it hasn’t been physical since pre pregnancy.

OP posts:
mummabubs · 02/05/2021 22:35

Hi OP, you say he's 100% in this (as in committing to you, staying etc). I'm wondering how this fits with him openly sharing with you that he's heartbroken over the other woman. To me this would clearly demonstrate he's still got feelings for her which is far from being 100% into commitment with you. When he was crying down the side of the house I'd also be wondering whether that was crying due to remorse over his actions or all part of him grieving over the other woman. I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

To share my position I was unintentionally the other woman (told he was single and broken up with partner). Turns out he'd cheated on her before me and at least twice after I left. They're now married and I can only assume he's doing exactly the same thing as she found out repeatedly and every time he was given "one last chance". You shared that after you found out the first time you went onto autopilot (understandably). To him I'd venture that all he's learnt is that he'll always have another chance as you effectively (but perhaps unintentionally) ended up communicating "I'll let you go back to her again even after this time and even then I'll still stick by you". I struggle to see his motivation to not repeat his utterly dickish behaviour all over again. As a final note I understand people saying they want to stay together due to children. This is often misguided from what I experience in my job and also as a parent myself personally I'd want to teach my son and daughter what is acceptable and respectful behaviour and what we shouldn't have to tolerate within relationships.

Nbnbnb · 02/05/2021 22:42

She is the 'one that got away', on his eyes. He will find her again.

He doesn't want to resist her.

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 22:49

@mummabubs

Hi OP, you say he's 100% in this (as in committing to you, staying etc). I'm wondering how this fits with him openly sharing with you that he's heartbroken over the other woman. To me this would clearly demonstrate he's still got feelings for her which is far from being 100% into commitment with you. When he was crying down the side of the house I'd also be wondering whether that was crying due to remorse over his actions or all part of him grieving over the other woman. I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

To share my position I was unintentionally the other woman (told he was single and broken up with partner). Turns out he'd cheated on her before me and at least twice after I left. They're now married and I can only assume he's doing exactly the same thing as she found out repeatedly and every time he was given "one last chance". You shared that after you found out the first time you went onto autopilot (understandably). To him I'd venture that all he's learnt is that he'll always have another chance as you effectively (but perhaps unintentionally) ended up communicating "I'll let you go back to her again even after this time and even then I'll still stick by you". I struggle to see his motivation to not repeat his utterly dickish behaviour all over again. As a final note I understand people saying they want to stay together due to children. This is often misguided from what I experience in my job and also as a parent myself personally I'd want to teach my son and daughter what is acceptable and respectful behaviour and what we shouldn't have to tolerate within relationships.

Hello, the crying/sharing thing comes from our marriage counselling. She said he needs to grieve the relationship & their long friendship too. He openly said he felt heartbroken about her & the whole situation. I’m hurt it’s made him this upset but pleased he’s being honest and it’s a strong signal the affair is over or he’d be distant & oddly cheery again.
OP posts:
Yellowshirt · 02/05/2021 22:55

Your marriage will not survive this. He is lying.
I gave my now ex wife a 2nd, 3rd and 4th chance to end her affair with her friends partner.
We started divorce 4 years later in 2018 and it is just coming to an end now.
I have wasted 7 years of my life because I loved her but she was in love with someone else.
I'll also warn you if he is willing to lie and destroy you and your family in this way he will be lying about other things like financial stuff. My ex went onto to physically and financially abuse me.
Be careful and get out immediately.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/05/2021 22:56

Yes, they’ve been on and off for 2 years so throughout my pregnancy, before and after. Not always physical or sexual in that time, mostly emotional, if he’s to be believed.

He's not. You said yourself he's a massive liar and lies about stupid little things. Sorry I know this thread has moved on, but I just read this and had to post. He is NOT to be believed.

Ihatesalad · 02/05/2021 23:22

@Twinkie01- Feel for you lovely- almost identical situation for me too— I stayed but don’t think I will ever 100% feel quite the same- I am much more guarded and hyper vigilant — so it doesn’t matter how much someone’s reassures you— my H went white as a sheet and rabbit in the headlights and described it as ‘a crush that went a bit far’ — thing is when you have a great connection , have been married a long while and feel you are mega special to them and realise that they can actually do something quite so awful — it kind of snuffs the candle out in my opinion- even if you stay.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 02/05/2021 23:23

If he’s to be believed it hasn’t been physical since pre pregnancy

If you're going to stay (and that's your decision to make of course) at least do it on the basis of being honest with yourself ... you're clearly an intelligent woman and I'm sure you know the above won't be true, just as so much else wasn't

Please don't imagine he'll take on board the "last chance" either; you forgave him last time and have done so again, so despite his panic at the time he'll be pretty sure you'll stay will and just be more careful next time
And that's what can easily eat you up ... not the grief at discovery, but the endless gnawing doubt every time his phone goes, every time he's late and so on, until there's nothing left of your peace of mind

I sincerely wish you luck with this; you're going to need it, and luckily everyone will still be here to support you when the time comes

BrilliantBetty · 02/05/2021 23:36

Your relationship is never going to work.
You are just wasting your time and emotions.

You'll never fully get over this. You'll be unhappy. So will he. And this isn't the end of his adultery.

Oneeyeopen · 02/05/2021 23:57

Op you say there’s no real passion in your marriage.
Why then are you happy to carry on in this relationship?

Your dh should not have cheated but perhaps he should leave and be with a woman who presumably he does feel passionate about.
And then perhaps you’ll find the love of your life.

Seems to me that you’re both staying for the baby.

Baws · 03/05/2021 00:43

Sorry OP but I think you need to leave too. He clearly cannot be trusted. He will have been in contact with her that won’t have been the last message. My ex did the same and finished with the OW in my presence. When he cheated again a few years later he took great delight in telling me that wasn’t the last time he had contacted her. He played the remorseful husband act in counselling too. You deserve better...

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 03/05/2021 01:12

It's worrying that he seems to be able to utilise knowledge acquired at your joint therapy sessions, to boost his credibility in your eyes 😩 he's learned that a cheery disposition caused you to doubt that he'd really ended things, so this time around he's taking pains to show his angst.

user1481840227 · 03/05/2021 01:44

Did you witness hhim ending the affair? That’s the thing giving me hope.

You didn't witness him ending the affair though Confused

Witnessing him ending the affair would be like if he didn't know you were aware but he chose to end it and you happened to see.

He just sent her a message saying it was over in front of you, which is something that I think 95%+ cheaters do. It doesn't mean anything.

user1481840227 · 03/05/2021 01:52

I think he’s staying for our child but also for the appearance of being a good man.

So he's staying for the wrong reasons, you're apparently staying for the sake of your child too, he cheated, got found out and then kept doing it, there's no passion, it's simply never going to last!

Your child is a baby, there's no way this relationship will last, it just won't, so you're running the risk of this ending when your baby has grown into a child and is far more at risk of being hurt by this situation

BustyDusty · 03/05/2021 02:13

Seems to me you don't give much of a fuck about him.

BustyDusty · 03/05/2021 02:18

..Which is fine. Stop whining about it. Leave the kid with him. Walk. Block.

Milliepossum · 03/05/2021 03:00

It’s likely she’s his main whore and that there are others he sees here and there via various apps. How do you feel about him kissing you after where his mouth has been? Him kissing your baby on the cheek? Him spending family money buying others presents etc, instead of you and your baby while you be the good wifey and look after the baby, do the housework and cooking and washing, all while you get nothing really and earn more than him? To be blunt he doesn’t want his family to know because he doesn’t want his image of a nice guy to change. All that fake family man, successful man who can pull a wife that earns more than him. Your just there to prop up his ego. And don’t think she’s 2 hours away, it’s incredibly easy for them to take a day off work and spend the day with them while you think they’re at work all day. Any find my phone app only tells you where the device is, not the users location. He’s an accomplished liar and the more time you have to think it all through the more lies you’ll discover about anything, no matter how minor. Do yourself a favour and read up the Chumplady website, it will at least inform you of the common things they say and do. Then while you are trying to salvage your marriage you’ll at least give yourself a chance.

StartupRepair · 03/05/2021 03:25

Two thoughts OP.

  1. Please please don't get pregnant again. Another baby will not fix things.
2.what work is he doing to win back your trust and rebuild the relationship? All we are hearing about is his sadness over OW. What are your conditions to him?