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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post Affair

292 replies

heartlex · 02/05/2021 16:16

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 19:21

[quote sammysnake]@heartlex I'm sorry this has happened to you. For what it's worth I think you should cut your losses and run. Imagine it was your own DC in your position in the future - what would you advise? It's a two year affair that he's resumed after being caught out on once already. Even worse, it carried on whilst you were pregnant. A good partner does not do that. He's weak willed at best and callous and selfish at worst. By all means join the gym and look after yourself because you absolutely should but don't do it for him, do it for yourself. In unvarnished terms, life's too short to waste with a shit like your DH. Change can be frightening but it could also be the best thing you'll ever do.[/quote]
I totally agree. He’s weak and pathetic. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to look at him the same way.

I’m always a fan of a change and moving to a new home or having a new project excites me. I know I’ll be OK if this implodes which is immense relief. I’m stable mentally and financially with great friends and thank god my daughter is a dream. He’s got wobbly mental health and no real friends of his own.

What I lack are people in my life who have gone through or are going through similar. I wish there was a group therapy class I could join just to share stories without judgement.

OP posts:
Witchisdead · 03/05/2021 19:41

The door is unlocked

Yes, but why would he go? He's had no consequences to date other than the minor inconvenience of cooling things off and laying low for a while. When the dust settles, he'll go straight back to having his cake and eating it.

musingloud · 03/05/2021 20:07

@Puzzledandpissedoff Why on earth would you ask such a horrible question?

What I lack are people in my life who have gone through or are going through similar. I wish there was a group therapy class I could join just to share stories without judgement
Just to say I totally get this. Different situation but I also live through something unusual and also wish for someone to talk to who ' gets it.'

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/05/2021 20:13

Mridhul Wadhwa

I asked the question because - like so many others on here - I've been in this position and I know what it's like to share intimacy with someone who's comparing me to someone else

In the context of me already having said I shared OP's experience, I'd have thought it obvious that the rest follows from that

KatePrice · 03/05/2021 20:14

After I went through something similar I did a lot of research. I can't remember which article it was in now but it said finishing an affair was a bit like going through cold turkey. It can take over 6 months for the need to get high from the adrenaline rush etc.

MrsMaizel · 03/05/2021 20:57

@heartlex you do sound incredibly calm about all of this . In fact I would even say that you even sound disinterested in him as a man and a person . What is it that drives you to continue with this ?

Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 21:08

[quote MrsMaizel]@heartlex you do sound incredibly calm about all of this . In fact I would even say that you even sound disinterested in him as a man and a person . What is it that drives you to continue with this ?[/quote]
I’m naturally a calm and very logical person. I’ve had my moments though. Full on sobbed earlier because of a flash back & then he couldn’t answer a question about an old message I saw ages ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 21:08

@KatePrice

After I went through something similar I did a lot of research. I can't remember which article it was in now but it said finishing an affair was a bit like going through cold turkey. It can take over 6 months for the need to get high from the adrenaline rush etc.
He was so close to 6 months first time round Angry
OP posts:
thebeachismyhappyplace2 · 03/05/2021 21:10

Are you sure he does have a 2nd pay as you go phone?

JSL52 · 03/05/2021 21:56

@heartlex

Thanks *@NCAccount*. He doesn’t have a way of contacting her at the mo but these are early days. I think first time round it ended for 6 months & then restarted. I’m just hoping this time it’s real.

Part of me thinks if he loved her then why doesn’t he just go? I know it’s what she wants.

He could easily get in touch with her. You ,unfortunately , are just postponing the inevitable. You'll have to go through all this again next time he cheats (from personal experience)
Original poster
heartlex · 03/05/2021 22:08

Yeah, he could get in touch with her if he really wanted but the messages he sent to end it were brutal and final plus he is mourning it. I’m sure they haven’t been in touch since the ending but it hasn’t been long of course. He’s finally ended it in a transparent way as numerous sites suggest so I’m hoping he’s finally woken and stepped up.

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 03/05/2021 22:13

Why would you want a future with someone you cannot trust and who would rather be with someone else. That's self abuse in my book

Cloudfrost · 03/05/2021 23:03

i didnt realise that saying you are naive and in denial was a personal attack worth of my reply being deleted lol

you think he was close to 6 months of no contact with OW but you dont actually know that he ever stopped at all. he has lied to you before . if he was serious about not losing u he wouldnt have done it again after you caught him the first time. and its not like it was a one time mistake either..it lasted 2 years....

80sPadme · 04/05/2021 02:37

@heartlex

Yeah, he could get in touch with her if he really wanted but the messages he sent to end it were brutal and final plus he is mourning it. I’m sure they haven’t been in touch since the ending but it hasn’t been long of course. He’s finally ended it in a transparent way as numerous sites suggest so I’m hoping he’s finally woken and stepped up.
My ex also ended it quite brutally with his OW, that didn't stop him rekindling it (I found out 6 months after the first time). She was his soul mate, they were sexually connected blah blah blah. Just like you are mourning what your relationship could have/ would have/ should have been, she is doing the same. Just like he is begging you not to leave him and promising you he will not go to her, he will just as easily beg her to forgive him for ending it and promise her he didn't mean it. Sadly the reality of your situation is that this man is a liar at best, but at the most an untrustworthy, selfish and self serving ass hat. His priority is himself and his feelings and needs. You and your child are secondary to this. Do yourself a justice and leave him. You will not regret it in the long term. If you don't I can almost guarantee that you will be in similar circumstances in 1/5/10 years time.
SusieQ5604 · 04/05/2021 02:44

If he's doing this, he is NOT a good father. Get a grip. What a horrible example of a relationship to model for your child.

Original poster
heartlex · 04/05/2021 10:28

Oh @80sPadme, I’m feeling quite hopeless today after reading your message & thinking my cheat would contact the OW again. Perhaps that’s better than being blindly optimistic. We have marriage counselling later today and I equally look forward to it and dread it. I don’t think he’s being totally honest about certain things so will push those subjects again.

OP posts:
musingloud · 04/05/2021 12:20

@heartlex

Oh *@80sPadme*, I’m feeling quite hopeless today after reading your message & thinking my cheat would contact the OW again. Perhaps that’s better than being blindly optimistic. We have marriage counselling later today and I equally look forward to it and dread it. I don’t think he’s being totally honest about certain things so will push those subjects again.
I once read that the abandoning of hope can actually be a really important psychological step forward. In certain circumstances I agree with that. In some situations getting to the stage where you realise, I can't change this and I can't fix this and this is how this is and I need to move on now to something else, is a really constructive place to be.

When I was still 'hoping' to evoke change in my H, my counsellor said to me, ' You can't change him. That is something you can't control.
You can only make changes for yourself.' That is so true. You do seem to come across in your posts that if you work hard enough at it, and get him to go along with the counselling, then you can change him. He will change and everything will be ok. But you can't control that. From your last update he is STILL not being honest. He's just a dishonest person. For whatever reason, that serves him psychologically. I remember overhearing my H with his counsellor. He just lied and lied to her. He was using the session to get what he wanted out of it (justfication for himself) rather than to confront himself and move forward. I realised then it was time to abandon hope.

Given your H is lying in the joint sessions, you can be absolutely sure he is lying at his private counselling too. And that means nothing good for you will come from that. It will be undermining everything you are doing outside of those sessions.

80sPadme · 04/05/2021 17:09

@heartlex

Oh *@80sPadme*, I’m feeling quite hopeless today after reading your message & thinking my cheat would contact the OW again. Perhaps that’s better than being blindly optimistic. We have marriage counselling later today and I equally look forward to it and dread it. I don’t think he’s being totally honest about certain things so will push those subjects again.
I'm sorry my reply made you feel that way. It's a very bitter pill to swallow, but once it's down you will feel so relieved.
Original poster
heartlex · 04/05/2021 17:33

Oh no, it’s fine! I need to hear other stories and prepare myself for all outcomes.

Counselling was OK. He says sorry x10,000 times a sentence which is really started to grate. We both different opinions on the state of the marriage when the affair started. He said he was very lonely but they started messaging just after we had a holiday together that was brilliant! We stayed up drinking, talking... I felt stupidly smug that this was my marriage. 2 weeks later he messaged her innocently (at the time) and their conversation never stopped Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 04/05/2021 18:16

You’re totally right @musingloud! He does lie or at least omit in his 1:1 therapy sessions. I’ve asked him what the therapist has said about major things and he’s like ‘I haven’t mentioned that’. Either he’s lying to me or he’s also trying to charm her. Eye roll.

OP posts:
musingloud · 05/05/2021 08:17

Yup, that's what mine did. Lies by omission, lies by extreme distortion and outright lies. And of course lies to lay all the blame on me and him the hapless victim.
Its a really bad sign if he is doing this OP. It means that, despite what he may be saying to you, he really isn't engaging in the therapy as a chance to challenge himself and change. He's using the one to one to shore up his self-serving narrative.

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/05/2021 10:37

@Sally7645

What would you say if this was your best friend going through this exact scenario. Be your own best friend here. It's a huge, brave decision to walk away from someone who you love but is going to continuously hurt you but please think of your future... and if the example you will set your daughter when you continue to disregard these affairs (I say 'affairs' because it will very likely be the first of many)

I don't envy you and it's very easy to tell someone to walk away, but you need to have a very honest conversation with yourself about what your life will be like if you stay married to this man

I haven't RTFT yet but having been in your position op, this really resonated with me.

I found out about my ex husband's affair via emails between him and the OW. I love that man more than anything and probably always will, but I had to walk away. Our children don't know the real reason we separated as I didn't think they needed to know but if they every ask, I've told him I won't lie to them. That's on him. What I do want them to know however, is that I and they are worth more than second best. They deserve to be someone's everything and if I can't model that for them then who can?

I thought about staying for the kids and our family but he didn't think about them or us when he was shagging someone else....he thought about himself.

Oh, I 'forgave' a minor indiscretion a few years into our marriage, when I was heavily pregnant with our 2nd baby and our first was under 2. It was a drunken one night thing and i was devastated but couldn't even imagine life without him so we brushed it under the carpet and we had 10 more happy years together before he had a full blown affair, but if I'm honest, something in our marriage broke that day and I never looked at him in exactly the same way.

Original poster
heartlex · 05/05/2021 11:39

Thank you. I keep thinking what would I say if this was my best friend & I guess I would just support her & be there if it fell apart.

We’ve had a good 24 hours. I’ve stopped vibrating with anxiety but my heart still physically hurts. We do get on on the surface and like one another but I really don’t know if we’ll get past this.

I’ve said he should take his phone back. It annoying having it and it also feels like I’m delaying the inevitable - if he can’t resist her then better we put the nail in the coffin now. It’s a test I guess. Part of me wants him to fail. Is that weird? Really stomp on this marriage so I can walk away knowing I tried. I can’t do it now. As it stands he’s a shadow of himself & his sadness is visible. He’s also fantastic with the baby & doing anything & everything for me. As he should be!

OP posts:
WhenPushComesToShove · 05/05/2021 13:08

You already know this is too little, too late as a way of getting what he wants. What about what you want. He made his choices (8 years ago) and now it's your turn to say if this is ok or not. Is it ok or not?

Grandbisou · 05/05/2021 13:48

Sadness - because he’s not with her?