Post Affair

[heartlex]

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

He put you and your unborn baby at risk of sti’s for starters. Who ttc for a baby while screwing another women. Future faking with both of you. He seems like a compulsive liar and I would never trust him again.

[quote Dery]@heartlex - the point about her being from uni and the relationship having gone on for 2 years, you bring the main earner etc is ringing bells. Have you posted about this before? If you’re the poster I’m thinking of, we were urging you to tell your parents and get some real life support. I hope you do have some real life support.[/quote]
Just a lurker until today. I’ve got a good group of friends who all know & are being really supportive but none have been through this.

Everywhere online seems to say the right way to end the affair is to do it in front of your spouse & block and he’s done that, finally. I’m not sure what other evidence can prove it. Not many people on this thread have said they’ve made it out the other side but I know the majority of marriages do.

To me it is quite simple, if you really loved someone, you would never put that at risk, because you could not bear the loss. He does not really value you and is prepared to risk losing you and has done at least twice.
He has now got you where he wants you because he has gotten away with it twice. You are choosing a bad life and will be one of those poor women who look the other way. You deserve better. He will never change and you have accepted it . You have nil chance of happiness

Is she married op? divorced/children?

He admitted they told each other they loved one another.

I think he’s staying for our child but also for the appearance of being a good man.

That would be it for me. And I have been there, so I'm not just saying it. He told another woman that he loved her while you were pregnant, after you'd given birth, while you were taking care of a small baby. That's unforgivable.

@Dancingrain

Is she married op? divorced/children?

Divorced, no children

I appreciate the comments and I understand that many people would leave.

I’m not leaving. I’m giving it a final shot.

If anyone has any experience of reconciling I’d really love to hear your story. Especially how long it takes to heal.

OP in a younger (more stupid) life I was the OW. We had all the right 'code's set up to deal with potential exposure. In fact the beginning of the end was when I received the pre-prepared coded message that he'd been found out. I'm not proud of that part of my past but I can tell you that your DH has been exposed as a twice-cheater. I wouldn't be fooled by the faux ending.

I'm not at all sure 'the majority . . . of marriages make it out the other side' OP 😔 I think it's fewer than 20%. I'm not at all sure mine will and 1) I wasn't pregnant 2) the affair didn't last two years and 3) my DP didn't resume the affair having been caught once already (well, I guess we'll see about that. But there's no way I'd forgive going back for second helpings).

@MumofPsuedoAdult

OP in a younger (more stupid) life I was the OW. We had all the right 'code's set up to deal with potential exposure. In fact the beginning of the end was when I received the pre-prepared coded message that he'd been found out. I'm not proud of that part of my past but I can tell you that your DH has been exposed as a twice-cheater. I wouldn't be fooled by the faux ending.

I really have considered this but I know it’s genuine because she thought it was a joke at the start & it took a few messages before she realised it was real. And his reaction’s the other thing. He was shaking and pale for hours afterwards.

I don't think it's as straight forward as some people make out. I've been/am in his position so can explain how I've felt but obviously every relationship and situation is different.

I'm married with children and fell in love with someone I met at work. It was a mix of problems in the marriage (lack of exciting sex and feeling desired), problems with me (feeling less attractive after having children) and happening to meet someone I instantly clicked with and progressing to incredible sex and best friends.

My husband found out a year ago. At that point I would have left had it not been for the children. My husband wants to stay together. I am still in touch with AP but have only met up a few times due to covid, it's hard to walk away completely. I've felt heart broken over AP but at the same time would be heart broken to split up my family. My feelings have started to come back for my husband, but underlying issues haven't been addressed and may never be completely solvable. I'm.coming to the conclusion that my husband and I are more compatible, but have less passion. I think leaving would have been a mistake and in a way I lost my mind to some extent. You never know when you might meet and form a connection with someone, the best thing of course is not to let it progress at all at the start, because it's awful for everyone involved.

It doesn't heal. Stop deluding yourself. It stays in the back of your mind slowly eating away at you because the trust us gone. Every time something happens that does not feel quite right you're going to start wondering again and again. That's your future if you stay - never being able to trust completely ever again and always wondering. Sounds great.

I’m sorry that you’re having a tough time but he Is a liar!
Hes lied to her and to you ! please make plans for you and your baby just in case , but he will let you down.

OP I've been in your shoes. You have only known for a few days it seems. Thinking back those first few weeks were hell. I started out wanting to make it work, to give him another chance, but in the next week I wanted nothing to do with him. Then the following week I changed my mind again. So just want to say, just because you are feeling strongly about making it work now, doesn't mean you are not entitled to change your mind as you process it all. It's a traumatic event, and you need to process everything. Not everyone can process things in a few days.

I wish you all the best and hope you live happy whatever you decide.

I can't give you hope - only a dose of reality as you asked. I'm sorry but you will forever wonder if he's cheating or not. When he takes an overnight work trip, when he's late in the evening after work. Sorry but it'll eat away at you. My advice would be a clean break now is best. I'm sorry OP. I appreciate you may want to try but he's already proven himself unfaithful at least twice. I also have to say how dare he cry over her in front of you, he should be ashamed.

@Gyh863

I don't think it's as straight forward as some people make out. I've been/am in his position so can explain how I've felt but obviously every relationship and situation is different.

I'm married with children and fell in love with someone I met at work. It was a mix of problems in the marriage (lack of exciting sex and feeling desired), problems with me (feeling less attractive after having children) and happening to meet someone I instantly clicked with and progressing to incredible sex and best friends.

My husband found out a year ago. At that point I would have left had it not been for the children. My husband wants to stay together. I am still in touch with AP but have only met up a few times due to covid, it's hard to walk away completely. I've felt heart broken over AP but at the same time would be heart broken to split up my family. My feelings have started to come back for my husband, but underlying issues haven't been addressed and may never be completely solvable. I'm.coming to the conclusion that my husband and I are more compatible, but have less passion. I think leaving would have been a mistake and in a way I lost my mind to some extent. You never know when you might meet and form a connection with someone, the best thing of course is not to let it progress at all at the start, because it's awful for everyone involved.

This sounds familiar. We’re compatible but there’s no passion. Perhaps a bit at the beginning. If both parties feel the same way I assume a happy marriage is possible.

We never argue, ever. Until this of course and even then it’s calm conversations then the day goes on.

@TillyTopper

I can't give you hope - only a dose of reality as you asked. I'm sorry but you will forever wonder if he's cheating or not. When he takes an overnight work trip, when he's late in the evening after work. Sorry but it'll eat away at you. My advice would be a clean break now is best. I'm sorry OP. I appreciate you may want to try but he's already proven himself unfaithful at least twice. I also have to say how dare he cry over her in front of you, he should be ashamed.

I should add he didn’t cry in front of me on purpose. He was tucked around the side of the house & I found him crying.

I know this is unpopular opinion, but I understand where you are coming from. Please Don't get carried away by making any rash decisions. The process of divorce is excruciating, and even more so if you still have feelings. Take a breath, consider everything. If he wants to try and you still have hope and the capacity for forgiveness there's still hope for healing xxxx

@isthismylifenow

OP I've been in your shoes. You have only known for a few days it seems. Thinking back those first few weeks were hell. I started out wanting to make it work, to give him another chance, but in the next week I wanted nothing to do with him. Then the following week I changed my mind again. So just want to say, just because you are feeling strongly about making it work now, doesn't mean you are not entitled to change your mind as you process it all. It's a traumatic event, and you need to process everything. Not everyone can process things in a few days.

I wish you all the best and hope you live happy whatever you decide.

Thanks. What did you decide to do?

This is the second time I’ve found out about this affair. First time was 6 months ago & I just went into auto pilot the gradually started to feel ok. This time I feel more awake. My mind changes hour by hour but staying always wins. One last shot.

@Moutainwoman

I know this is unpopular opinion, but I understand where you are coming from. Please Don't get carried away by making any rash decisions. The process of divorce is excruciating, and even more so if you still have feelings. Take a breath, consider everything. If he wants to try and you still have hope and the capacity for forgiveness there's still hope for healing xxxx

Thanks. I feel like I’ll regret not trying & he does seem 100% in this now. I don’t know what else he could do to prove it & in time I’m hoping to forgive fully.

I stayed OP. It was fine for a few years but I see now it was only me trying to make it work. I caught him cheating again (for the 3rd time) and by then I had had enough and it was 100% over for me. I wish I had not wasted those years as I never trusted him and I made myself ill. So I do get why you want to try again, but it gets to me so badly when the innocent party has to make a decision on how to move forward. It's so fucking unfair!

@isthismylifenow

I stayed OP. It was fine for a few years but I see now it was only me trying to make it work. I caught him cheating again (for the 3rd time) and by then I had had enough and it was 100% over for me. I wish I had not wasted those years as I never trusted him and I made myself ill. So I do get why you want to try again, but it gets to me so badly when the innocent party has to make a decision on how to move forward. It's so fucking unfair!

Yes! I’m angry that I’m in this position but I am relieved he wants to stay & work on it.

I might need to give myself a deadline for my mental health. I can’t obsess about this forever & be happy.

Oh my lovely, I feel really sad for you, not only because of the situation you're in, but because you want to make ot work all your responses are sort of defending him, he has done a number on you for sure. When I say defending, I mean more like, because he has written the message out in front of you and you have access to his phone, you've taken ot as gospel that he really has ended it.

Its what he is making you believe. I have gone through exactly the same, I had the tears, the sorrys, the it will never happen again, you can check my phone.

Only a matter of weeks later, he had had enough of trying to 'prove' himself and felt 'weighed down' by my constant suspicion and just could not understand why I couldn't trust him when he showed me he blocked her etc.......it came less than a month later when I found out he was still messaging her and it slipped by me because I wanted to believe he had stopped and I thought surely he wouldn't do it again and if he did it would not be so soon after.

He was using that as a cover to carry on. Men like this don't change, I believed him and I gave it one last try. At the end of the day, cheaters cheat for their own reasons and those reasons don't go away when normality resumes.

It takes a long time OP. We're 15 months and 2 days (sad I can tell you the date and time my life as it was stopped). He was my best friend, we've been together longer than we lived before meeting each other.

It wasn't sexual, I wouldn't be here if it was. They became friends at work, she is a lot younger (not much older than our oldest), he said he was bored and she was fun, they got the train home a few times, there were lots of emails and eventually the day I found out they'd had their first 'lunch date.' (It had taken them 12 weeks to work up to that) She thought she had the green light to start texting him whilst he was at home. I'd been suspicious for a while, he pulled away from us all, was dismissive of me and I over compensated by being the perfect wife, tried harder to make him happier god I could go on and on.

It's fucking brutal. I lost 2 stone which I could have done without losing, started smoking again and drinking. We went through the hysterical bonding thing and it felt ok but then you crash, it pervades everything. We had a wonderful family day out last weekend and I quietly sobbed in the car on the journey home, I'd been watching all the other families thinking those men wouldn't do this to their wives, why me?

You are very brave to try to stay together, I'm not sure I would in your position, but he was my best friend, it's so hard to walk away, especially with a tiny baby. No one knows you or your husband, no one will know if he will do it again (they don't always do it again) but I understand why you have to give him the benefit of the doubt to hope it'll work and he won't do it again. I sort of felt it's better the Devi you know but by god did I really know him?

Make sure you have support, don't feel as though you can't tell family and friends but be aware that once it's out there you can't get it back. He has to completely cut contact, block her on everything and if there's even a sniff of any contact he's out, no discussions, no arguments, he needs to put you and your child first, if his feelings for her means he can't do that then it's probably gone too far.

It's just very very hard, a long slog and it never goes away. You never have the peace you did before you found out.

Good luck.

@heartlex I can see that you are certain you want to try to rebuild your relationship.
My marriage has survived infidelity, my husband got a second chance, but then he wasn’t weeping for the OW or saying he loved her. He ended it himself without my knowledge or coercion. He felt nothing but relief it was over and is nothin but grateful for his second chance and has worked very, very hard to prove his love for me and we both continue to do so. If he ever gets upset about it, it’s because something has reminded him what a shit he was to me and how he came within a whisker of losing the people he loves.
If I ever get a whiff of anything like it again, he’s gone. I set clear boundaries and it was hard, hard work and hours of painful, honest discussions on both sides to come through a betrayal like that. Trust was shattered and takes a lot on both parties to try to restore.
I applaud you giving your marriage another go, however in your circumstances I wouldn’t have done it. I love my husband too much to have been able to endure knowing he loved someone more than me. That would have been the end. Sorry to be negative but until you are both totally committed to your marriage and each other, he will end up resenting you, and you will drive yourself crazy wondering if he still loves her, wants to message her, thinks about her etc. If you must do this, and I respect that, protect your assets and especially your mental health. Good luck OP.