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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Post Affair

292 replies

heartlex · 02/05/2021 16:16

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

OP posts:
oldshoeuk · 02/05/2021 19:09

I can only tell you that I've been there and through this. Yes it's totally possible. People fuck up, if you're both willing and able to learn and move on it's doable. If the cheater is trying to pull the wool or not learn then that's a different story. I'm speaking from the experience of being the cheater, not cheated, not proud, but there you are.

HalzTangz · 02/05/2021 19:11

So he's crying over losing her and not over losing you?

Sally7645 · 02/05/2021 19:12

What would you say if this was your best friend going through this exact scenario. Be your own best friend here. It's a huge, brave decision to walk away from someone who you love but is going to continuously hurt you but please think of your future... and if the example you will set your daughter when you continue to disregard these affairs (I say 'affairs' because it will very likely be the first of many)

I don't envy you and it's very easy to tell someone to walk away, but you need to have a very honest conversation with yourself about what your life will be like if you stay married to this man

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 19:12

@Maze76

Where did they meet? How long was it going on for and what promises did he make to her? At the end of the day the decision is yours but know that by agreeing to give him a third chance, your relationship is forever changed. He will no longer see you as he did pre affair and you certainly won’t. Also does he want to stay with you for love or convenience? The house, the lifestyle, the appearance? Think very long and hard about this.. and take your time, no need to rush into anything either way. Best of. Luck
They met at Uni and kept in touch via social media over the last decade or so until the affair started.

He said they never discussed their future which I find hard to believe. He admitted they told each other they loved one another.

I think he’s staying for our child but also for the appearance of being a good man. I can’t imagine him telling his family.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 19:13

@oldshoeuk

I can only tell you that I've been there and through this. Yes it's totally possible. People fuck up, if you're both willing and able to learn and move on it's doable. If the cheater is trying to pull the wool or not learn then that's a different story. I'm speaking from the experience of being the cheater, not cheated, not proud, but there you are.
Thanks for your honesty. Did you ever call it off with the OW then restart the affair?
OP posts:
Dizzy1234 · 02/05/2021 19:14

He got in a state when he thought you would leave him as he doesn't want to lose his family.
He also wants his cake & to eat it too.
He wants his family at home and wants the excitement of illicit sex with the OW.
He'll do it again, he'll unblock her or get another phone and you'll always live with doubt.
You've caught him twice and let him get away with it, he now knows he can do it again then be contrite and you'll forgive him as you want your family to stay together.
You do realise that if you truly love someone you don't cheat on them and break their heart?
He'll do it again, you can't trust him

IsItJustMeOrYou · 02/05/2021 19:14

It's great you are earning and have the support of parents close by and I hope that you have someone you can talk to in RL as that is so important.

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 19:14

@MizMoonshine

I've successfully reconciled after infidelity.

The thing was, we both wanted to make it work and both did everything we needed to to make that happen.

For him to have slid back into position so quickly, and only called it off when he was caught again, there's an entire lack of respect here and if he doesn't do it again I'll be very surprised.

I'm usually team give it a go. But today I'm team get him gone.

Congratulations for reconciling. How can you be sure he finished it with the OW?
OP posts:
Dozycuntlaters · 02/05/2021 19:17

To be honest it means nothing that he sent her a goodbye message in front of you,

I was the OW, I received that same message sent in front of his wife. He had prepped me he was sending it, the affair carried on, for quite a long time.

I'm sorry OP bit if he's crying about her there's no way it's over. He will just go underground and get sneakier. It's not for anyone to tell you to leave and you can only do that when you know you've done your utmost but being brutally honest if he thinks he loves her, he will contact her again. When you piss him off, when the kids get on his nerves, when life seems mundane and he needs his spark he'll be straight back to her. For sure.

HalzTangz · 02/05/2021 19:17

He's done nothing but lie to you since the day he started his affair 2 years ago, he is a liar, the texts will all be lies to. I can also bet he has other ways to contact her (Facebook, Twitter, email etc) not just phone messages.

He's lying when he says he loves you, someone in love doesnt cheat ever,let alone cheat twice

Happygogoat · 02/05/2021 19:20

I'm sorry OP but this won't change. Staying together just for your child is not sustainable. I would work on getting your ducks in a row and discussing how to co parent.

He's lied AND then cried over HER. In front of you!! Has referred to your marriage as "the right thing to do" while crying about her. You admit if not for your child you would Chuck him out.

It won't ruin your child to co parent. It's far more harmful to watch a mother have no happiness and low self esteem. You have been let down and he broke vows. Have more self worth - you won't be truly happy staying.

Dontbelieve · 02/05/2021 19:20

How can you be sure he finished it with the OW?

OP you keep asking questions about how people KNEW the affair was over. You seem to want something as proof that you can now be assured it is over and he will be faithful to you.

You can never know this. Especially you can never know this as he saw he hurt you and said he would stop and didn't stop and only ended it when you found out, again.

Nothing can ever give you that certainty. No-one can ever give you that certainty.

ClarkeGriffin · 02/05/2021 19:20

He will do it again. He doesn't love you anymore, he loves her. He just wants an easy life with you looking after his child and not taking his money, and sex on the side from her as well.

He isn't sorry, he doesn't care about your feelings on this. He will message her again and lie to her again, saying you have split up, again.

Are you really happy sticking with a man who doesn't love you and has zero respect for you? Is that the example of a family you want your child to think is normal?

ThePoetsWife · 02/05/2021 19:26

Blimey - he had an affair while you were pregnant, just gave birth and you both were caring for a baby.

An important, special and precious time.

All along he was in love with someone else and shagging her.

Stop listening to him and watch his actions.

Who booked the counselling? Is he seeking individual therapy, doing some reading and working on himself and his flaws that led to the affair to ensure he does not cheat again?

Nonmaquillee · 02/05/2021 19:26

@heartlex

I know you’re probably right but I want to give it one last shot especially after witnessing him end it & the state of him when I said I was done.

Has anyone been in this situation that can give me hope... or a dose of reality?

I know that you want to give it another go but he's already had two chances... and of course he was "in a state" when you confronted him - he wasn't remorseful, he was gutted to have been found out.

Even if you want to give him yet another chance, I guarantee that the lack of trust will eat away at you and possibly affect your mental health.

Honestly, cut your losses and end it. He doesn't deserve you.

gonnabeok · 02/05/2021 19:32

OP please wake up, he's even told you how he feels about her after being caught the second time. He can easily have a second phone to be in touch. How do you know his tears were not for his loss of her and not you? He has conned you once - cheaters are good actors- don't keep watching the same performance !

Lorw · 02/05/2021 19:36

Oh OP. A leopard never changes its spots as they say and trust me when I say this he will do it again, and again until you’re so emotionally beaten you don’t care and he can have his cake and eat it to. Ugh. You have yourself a manipulative husband. My advise? Get out and leave that man in the gutter where he belongs.

mummyof4kids · 02/05/2021 19:46

@Getafuckinggripman

I would bet my life savings that's not the last message he's sent her "she forced me to say that, I want to leave, I can't risk not seeing my kid, just be patient".

What a terrible feeling it is to be betrayed. Fuck him off. This bridge is burned forever and you're better off alone than in half a relationship with a cunt who doesn't respect you. Forgiveness is overrated... time to get stark raving fucking furious.

This!!!
Dancingrain · 02/05/2021 19:48

Has long has it been going on? Is she single or married?

Dery · 02/05/2021 19:49

Not RTFT but here’s the thing - when a woman is pregnant and then has a man’s baby, she is absolutely at her most vulnerable. The man concerned should be at his most protective of her. So if he can cheat on you when you’re pregnant with his baby and/or when you have just given birth to his baby, he can absolutely cheat on you any time and he will. Your relationship is dead in the water. And he’s almost certainly cheated before. He’s just not been caught before.

So what that he told her it was over in front of you. There are a million ways he can be in touch with her behind your back. This man is a piece of work and you will NEVER be able to trust him. He cheated on you when you were at your most vulnerable and he should have been at his most protective. Get him gone.

Dancingrain · 02/05/2021 19:52

He said they never discussed their future which I find hard to believe. He admitted they told each other they loved one another

I think he’s staying for our child but also for the appearance of being a good man. I can’t imagine him telling his family

Why do you want to stay with him OP when you know it's not you he wants?

tsmainsqueeze · 02/05/2021 19:53

@NeilBuchananisBanksy

He was crying for the OW. He admitted himself he was heartbroken. Where is your pride? Where is your anger?

Wake up op. I know that's harsh but open your eyes. He's no prize. He will do this again.

How can you ever trust him?

There is no happy ending here for your relationship.

THIS ! you and your baby deserve better .
WatieKatie · 02/05/2021 19:58

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. I’ve been in your shoes - I filed for divorce two days after finding out, it’s the best thing that I’ve done.

He’s shown you no respect and he will likely do it again in the future. Then what? How many chances are you prepared to give him? You’re already on the second one.

You will forever be on edge wondering whether he’s cheating again. Plus how will you feel sleeping with him? Probably wondering if it’s you or her he’s thinking of.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Dery · 02/05/2021 20:02

@heartlex - the point about her being from uni and the relationship having gone on for 2 years, you bring the main earner etc is ringing bells. Have you posted about this before? If you’re the poster I’m thinking of, we were urging you to tell your parents and get some real life support. I hope you do have some real life support.

Original poster
heartlex · 02/05/2021 20:02

@Dancingrain

He said they never discussed their future which I find hard to believe. He admitted they told each other they loved one another

I think he’s staying for our child but also for the appearance of being a good man. I can’t imagine him telling his family

Why do you want to stay with him OP when you know it's not you he wants?

I guess I’m no better. I want the family life too. Not sure I can say I love him right now.
OP posts: