Post Affair

[heartlex]

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

@HayzCo

Just sending best wishes, what a horrible situation. Understandable you want to keep trying, I hope whatever happens you are treated better and have the happiness you deserve.

Thank you

primarily because he’s the father of my child

Is that sufficient motivation? To stay with someone who is a liar in general, and also has betrayed you, and this other woman as he lied to her too, in the most appalling way. Do you really believe he will stop being a liar? That just seems to be who he is. He sounds like a complete coward too.

he’s a good company & how we want to live our lives are aligned But the way you want to live your lives are not aligned. He has proved that through his actions. The way he wanted to live his life was very different. Surely you can find good company and a better and truer alignment with someone who is not a habitual and confirmed liar?

@Wastedusername

primarily because he’s the father of my child

Is that sufficient motivation? To stay with someone who is a liar in general, and also has betrayed you, and this other woman as he lied to her too, in the most appalling way. Do you really believe he will stop being a liar? That just seems to be who he is. He sounds like a complete coward too.

he’s a good company & how we want to live our lives are aligned But the way you want to live your lives are not aligned. He has proved that through his actions. The way he wanted to live his life was very different. Surely you can find good company and a better and truer alignment with someone who is not a habitual and confirmed liar?

I don’t need convincing to leave/stay/take any kind of action. I have decided to stay but it’s his absolute last chance.

I'm in a similar situation, OP, and have posted about it.
What I will say is this: my biggest fear is not that he'll see her again, or even that he'll leave me for her, because fuck knows I've told him to go to her countless times and yet he's still here, insisting he loves me; no, by far my biggest fear is that he will stay here EVEN IF he'd rather be there, because it's easier/because he can't cope with the guilt/because of the kids/because he loves me (even if her more). He thinks this will finally end if he slips up again, or can't regain my trust - whereas it'll actually end if for any reason I just get the impression that, all things being equal, he'd rather be there than here.
Think about whether you can live with that niggling feeling. I can't; you may be able to. And that's fine. But be sure you can make your peace with it.

'Even if he loves her more', that should've said 🙄

You're very much in the mindset that you're going to give it 'one last shot' so no amount of advice you're given is going to change your mind.

Please don't put your baby through this. He will not change, he's sorry he got caught but had he not been caught, he'd probably be knobbing her as we speak. If it's not her, it'll be someone else. Cheaters will always be just that, cheaters.

It's hard, I know that. My husband left me 3 weeks ago and we have a DD (17mo) and I felt like my world was collapsing at the time but already I feel much better. He never cheated physically (that I know of) but had plenty of emotional affairs and was always trying it on with different women, he was a narcissist, a bad husband and a bad father but I overlooked it all because I loved him. I now realise that I don't, and I didn't then either. I loved the man he was, not the one he turned into after we had DD.

We are better without him, we will make sure we are treated right next time and I will not let my daughter see a man treat me like this, because I don't want her thinking that's an acceptable way to be treated.

It's shit and it hurts like fuck but you will not get what you want from this, you'll only get hurt even more.

Good luck OP.

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

I'm in a similar situation, OP, and have posted about it. What I will say is this: my biggest fear is not that he'll see her again, or even that he'll leave me for her, because fuck knows I've told him to go to her countless times and yet he's still here, insisting he loves me; no, by far my biggest fear is that he will stay here EVEN IF he'd rather be there, because it's easier/because he can't cope with the guilt/because of the kids/because he loves me (even if her more). He thinks this will finally end if he slips up again, or can't regain my trust - whereas it'll actually end if for any reason I just get the impression that, all things being equal, he'd rather be there than here. Think about whether you can live with that niggling feeling. I can't; you may be able to. And that's fine. But be sure you can make your peace with it.

Thank you. I’m really not sure what I can live with long term. My mind can only go as far as summer right now. Not sure why.

What’s your thread called? I’d love to read. I don’t know anyone in this situation.

@DriftGames

You're very much in the mindset that you're going to give it 'one last shot' so no amount of advice you're given is going to change your mind.

Please don't put your baby through this. He will not change, he's sorry he got caught but had he not been caught, he'd probably be knobbing her as we speak. If it's not her, it'll be someone else. Cheaters will always be just that, cheaters.

It's hard, I know that. My husband left me 3 weeks ago and we have a DD (17mo) and I felt like my world was collapsing at the time but already I feel much better. He never cheated physically (that I know of) but had plenty of emotional affairs and was always trying it on with different women, he was a narcissist, a bad husband and a bad father but I overlooked it all because I loved him. I now realise that I don't, and I didn't then either. I loved the man he was, not the one he turned into after we had DD.

We are better without him, we will make sure we are treated right next time and I will not let my daughter see a man treat me like this, because I don't want her thinking that's an acceptable way to be treated.

It's shit and it hurts like fuck but you will not get what you want from this, you'll only get hurt even more.

Good luck OP.

Thank you and good luck to you too. The pain is unbelievable isn’t it? It feels like someone is ripping my heart in two.

I hope he can change. I really do.

2 years? That is well thought-out, planned deceit.. that is who he is he wont become fundamentally different in his character ever.. and i doubt very much a 2 year affair, especially an emotional affair, will simply end like that. I think you are in denial. Sorry

The thing is. You've said you're done. Then changed your mind and he's been given a third chance because he got into a state about that.

The first time he should have been in a state and never contacted her again because he hurt you.

Done has to mean done. Otherwise your words mean nothing. You're giving him the opportunity to keep doing it because he doesn't believe you mean it. He will probably do it again. I've been there.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. And that you're in pain especially with a young baby. But I think this is going to happen again.

@heartlex yes, it is awful. But when you realise that you & DC are far better without him, your life will become so much more positive.

I'm not longer treading on eggshells when I speak, I'm not longer finding ways to 'borrow' his phone to see his reaction or checking his social media to see who he's started interacting with. It's absolutely bonkers behaviour and I feel a million times better knowing it's not my problem anymore.

He's probably out chasing skirt now whilst taking absolutely no responsibility for DD or DDog but do I care? Do I fuck. He lost a loyal wife and a gorgeous family. I hope he finds his happiness but I'm convinced he'll ever get what he thinks he's looking for.

Me and DD on the other hand will find happiness with someone who actually loves us, rather than the idea of us.

You've got this.

Leave now before he convinces you he's changed then let's you down and breaks your heart again.

I titled it 'After the affair . . . ' although I couldn't find it the other day, and it's dropped off my 'I'm On'. Found it in the end, though. I got some very sage advice, as you are getting here, but you'll have to decide for yourself. I think I can see why you'd give it another go, but for the love of fuck think about whether it'll be an authentic life, and don't drop your guard for a minute. If he continues to see here, he'll shut up like a clam for a while, but he'll get careless in the end. Be vigilant. I'm leavening to drive for many reasons but I'm not deluding myself that one of them isn't so I can sit outside her house if I feel I need to. And if it gets to that point, then I'm done-zo. Stone dead.

@PhannyPharts

The thing is. You've said you're done. Then changed your mind and he's been given a third chance because he got into a state about that.

The first time he should have been in a state and never contacted her again because he hurt you.

Done has to mean done. Otherwise your words mean nothing. You're giving him the opportunity to keep doing it because he doesn't believe you mean it. He will probably do it again. I've been there.

I'm sorry to be so blunt. And that you're in pain especially with a young baby. But I think this is going to happen again.

I’ve thought about the same. I was so wrapped up with the baby when it first came out I didn’t even deal with it & just went into auto pilot. I forgave far too easily. He is rattled this time. I hope it’s enough.

Thanks @LobotomisedIceSkatingFan! I’ll find it and read through.

I'd add that a) my situation/relationship is bloody odd, which complicates things somewhat; b) I wasn't happy in the relationship (although I didn't go off looking for cock as a result, and may well have been made unhappy at least in part by his behaviour) in the few months they were driving around the Kent countryside, which brings me to c) the EA lasted a few months, and he had slept with the OW precisely once (I know this from WhatsApp messages). I'd've found it impossible to forgive if I'd discovered it had been going on for two years.

I know I won’t be the person you are looking for advice from and will no doubt get flamed by others. But I can absolutely assure you I know what scum I am and will not even attempt to excuse my behaviour four years ago.....however, I still wanted to give you another perspective.

I was the OW for 4.5 years, had the whole script of him only staying for the kids and they were living together as roommates etc. etc. Absolutely no excuse but I was in a very dark place mentally and thought I was in love so fell for it all (yes, I know I am pathetic and admit I had no self esteem or self respect). When I FINALLY came to my senses I ended it, left the job (we were coworkers) and at this time someone who knew about the whole thing decided to tell his wife....I can only assume they thought we should not be allowed to get away with it.

He told her many lies, played the whole thing down. She forgave him and he stayed. I had changed my number and cut all contact but he knew where I worked and my home address. TWO YEARS after it ended he sends me a letter through the post and also phones my workplace several times to ask colleagues when I would next be on shift. I ignored both attempts at contact but my point is - they can lie, they can play it down but if there were feelings involved (which there appears to be in your husbands case as he is crying over losing the OW) then I am sorry but they will never go away. As a PP stated, it might be weeks, or in my case even years but she will always be in his head (probably his heart too).

It is obviously your choice to try one more time and I admire your bravery and strength. But I wish someone had shaken me at the beginning of the affair and told me to have some self respect and I think, despite us being in completely different roles here, you need someone to do the same for you. You deserve better and so does your little one. He won’t change and I think he has already proven that to you.

Good luck with everything and I genuinely hope you can find happiness.

@heartlex Just interested to know how do you think your life looks without him?

but he'll get careless in the end

No, he might not. The problem with saying, ' this is his last chance' is that you assuming you will find out if he does this again, or at least find out early on so that you can end it.
But what if you don't? What if he has had a learning curve of how to be more careful and you don't find out for ten years? Look, I briefly had an affair with a married man. He has been cheating for a decade, had several affairs before me. His wife had no idea. And over those years he had got better and better at hiding. By the time he got to me he was really careful. He told me he had learnt a lot about how to have affairs over those years. Never did anything out of the ordinary. We met when he was meant to be at one of his longstanding hobbies or at work. I knew nothing about his wife, not even her name (not even if they were married) he never told me where he lived (or even what district in the city). I knew very little about what he did outside of our relationship, so I could never track him down. Your H could very easily up his game and cheat and you would never know.

The man I saw had learnt to be such an accomplished liar, came really easily and naturally to him. Lied to her, and I realised to me. To himself.

OP be careful - you could end up not realising till way down the line.
And by then your child will have to deal with the pain of parents separating. She's young enough now that it won't affect her. And you will have to deal with all those years, and it could be many, many years, you wasted when you could have been forming a new life.

@heartlex I wish you all the best and hope you find peace and happiness. With or without him

Where did they meet? How long was it going on for and what promises did he make to her? At the end of the day the decision is yours but know that by agreeing to give him a third chance, your relationship is forever changed. He will no longer see you as he did pre affair and you certainly won’t. Also does he want to stay with you for love or convenience? The house, the lifestyle, the appearance? Think very long and hard about this.. and take your time, no need to rush into anything either way. Best of. Luck

@Newbeginnings36

I know I won’t be the person you are looking for advice from and will no doubt get flamed by others. But I can absolutely assure you I know what scum I am and will not even attempt to excuse my behaviour four years ago.....however, I still wanted to give you another perspective.

I was the OW for 4.5 years, had the whole script of him only staying for the kids and they were living together as roommates etc. etc. Absolutely no excuse but I was in a very dark place mentally and thought I was in love so fell for it all (yes, I know I am pathetic and admit I had no self esteem or self respect). When I FINALLY came to my senses I ended it, left the job (we were coworkers) and at this time someone who knew about the whole thing decided to tell his wife....I can only assume they thought we should not be allowed to get away with it.

He told her many lies, played the whole thing down. She forgave him and he stayed. I had changed my number and cut all contact but he knew where I worked and my home address. TWO YEARS after it ended he sends me a letter through the post and also phones my workplace several times to ask colleagues when I would next be on shift. I ignored both attempts at contact but my point is - they can lie, they can play it down but if there were feelings involved (which there appears to be in your husbands case as he is crying over losing the OW) then I am sorry but they will never go away. As a PP stated, it might be weeks, or in my case even years but she will always be in his head (probably his heart too).

It is obviously your choice to try one more time and I admire your bravery and strength. But I wish someone had shaken me at the beginning of the affair and told me to have some self respect and I think, despite us being in completely different roles here, you need someone to do the same for you. You deserve better and so does your little one. He won’t change and I think he has already proven that to you.

Good luck with everything and I genuinely hope you can find happiness.

Thanks for your honesty. I’m obsessed with the OW tbh. What was she thinking... why her etc so it’s interesting to hear your take on it too. I hope she finds someone else so if he does attempt reconnection she tells him where to go. From her messages, she really believed we had finished so not sure she’s going to forgive him. I hope not

In my opinion you can't end a relationship that he's involved in. That has to come from him or her deciding they've had enough.

The thing is that very happiest time of your life - trying to conceive, getting pregnant, giving birth and living with a tiny baby - has been completely ruined by him. I couldn't forgive that.

Look up hysterical bonding - you should find yourself having a lot of sex around about now. It explains such a lot.

Also look up the pick-me dance. You are both treating this man as someone worth having. He's really not.

[quote IsItJustMeOrYou]@heartlex Just interested to know how do you think your life looks without him?[/quote]
I’ve been thinking about it a little & it hurts tbh. I can’t imagine being with anyone else.

Practically I know I will be OK. I earn more than him and my parents are nearby so they’ll help with childcare.

If it dosnt work out, then please don't feel bad for leaving him, even with your little one. Many children grow up healthy in split families that Co parent.

I've successfully reconciled after infidelity.

The thing was, we both wanted to make it work and both did everything we needed to to make that happen.

For him to have slid back into position so quickly, and only called it off when he was caught again, there's an entire lack of respect here and if he doesn't do it again I'll be very surprised.

I'm usually team give it a go. But today I'm team get him gone.