Post Affair

[heartlex]

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

@heartlex if he still loves her, is openly showing and saying he’s heartbroken over her, then staying with you is not ‘the right thing to do’.
I’m so, so sorry. You must feel shattered and hurt and God knows what. You are still reeling. At this point wanting to preserve everything is a natural reaction. Totally understandable to want to give it a second shot, to say you did all you could, but not with a man who loves somebody else and is only with you to ‘do the right thing’.
I gave my husband a second chance, but if he’d behaved in this way afterwards or said anything like the above at any point, I’d have thrown him out. This isn’t a ‘second chance’ for a remorseful man who can’t believe what he did and has thrown himself body and soul into your relationship and wants nothing to do with her. It’s asking a man who is in love with someone else to pretend to love you instead and try not to go there again. You’ve already done all you could here. Don’t let him hurt you again. I couldn’t be with a man who I knew loved someone else. If he still does, or thinks he does, there’s a very high chance he’ll see her again.

The 'crying over the OW and staying as its the right thing to do' if nothing else tells you everything. He was crying over her, because he got caught. Not over how much he has hurt you and your family unit. Her!!
If not her, it will be someone else and he will be sneakier, he will lie to your face, make you think your going mad. Go now, unless you at least separate for a while and he wants to repair it, he doesn't realise what he could lose.

Oh God, OP he lies to everyone. You, her, can't you see that? He is a man who lies to and uses women. He uses you for the family side. He uses her for the ego massage she gives him and hot sex.

Of course he's upset you threatened to leave him. He doesn't want you to leave. He just wants to have another woman on the side too. And he's prepared to lie to another woman too, to get one. They all look upset when you tell them you will leave. Most married men don't want their marriages to end. They want both women. Both lives. Its great getting a break from family life and domesticity to that second easy, sexual space with another woman who pours compliments onto you, and laughs and listens and is giving.

You can't stop him seeing another woman no matter how many controls you try to put in place. He can just get a second phone. He
can join one of the married people's dating sites.

@Outbutnotoutout

How long had they been seeing each other?

He didn't confess, you caught him, then you caught him again.

On and off for 2 years.

Jesus Christ, you don't get it do you? He's crying for her because it's her he has feelings for and her he really loves, not you. Wake up for crying out loud! All he is going to do it resent you.

[quote Thewookiemustgo]@heartlex if he still loves her, is openly showing and saying he’s heartbroken over her, then staying with you is not ‘the right thing to do’.
I’m so, so sorry. You must feel shattered and hurt and God knows what. You are still reeling. At this point wanting to preserve everything is a natural reaction. Totally understandable to want to give it a second shot, to say you did all you could, but not with a man who loves somebody else and is only with you to ‘do the right thing’.
I gave my husband a second chance, but if he’d behaved in this way afterwards or said anything like the above at any point, I’d have thrown him out. This isn’t a ‘second chance’ for a remorseful man who can’t believe what he did and has thrown himself body and soul into your relationship and wants nothing to do with her. It’s asking a man who is in love with someone else to pretend to love you instead and try not to go there again. You’ve already done all you could here. Don’t let him hurt you again. I couldn’t be with a man who I knew loved someone else. If he still does, or thinks he does, there’s a very high chance he’ll see her again.[/quote]
He says he loves me and has told her through those goodbye messages he loves me. I think that’s giving me hope.

I think he does love her or a stupid infatuation. Lord knows why.

@Kelly345

Jesus Christ, you don't get it do you? He's crying for her because it's her he has feelings for and her he really loves, not you. Wake up for crying out loud! All he is going to do it resent you.

I am awake. If it wasn’t for our child I would have kicked him out without question but if we’re both willing to give this a shot I do want to see it through.

I don’t doubt he has feelings for her but he has also dumped her.

You need to get some self esteem and ltb. He's been seeing someone else for TWO YEARS. He doesn't love you because if he did, he wouldn't have done that.

OP - if you want to have a go at staying and rebuilding your marriage, it’s a valid choice and only you can make it.
MN normally is agains it but in real life a lot of people do stay and work on their marriages.
E.Perel says that after affair, your old marriage is dead. But you can build a new 2.0 marriage.

However - it takes time and work, from both of you. It’s not enough that he blocks his affair partner, and give you his phone. This is just dealing with some practical issues.
What needs to happen is for the two of you to get to a level of honesty as to what happened and why - so that you two can figure out how to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
People cheat for different reasons. Get Perel’s book on ‘The state of the affair’. It talks about different reasons and different ways couples get through the affairs (or don’t). She is a counsellor with years of experience in the area and a fresh look at relationships.

Generally - I don’t think any marriage that survived an affair did it on their own, without some sort of couple and individual counselling. Not if you don’t want to have a marriage where things are swept under a carpet and ignored. That doesn’t lead to anywhere good.

I can’t police how he feels. If he’s crying over her (& telling me the truth) and still not getting in touch that’s a good sign he’s determined to get over her

Oh god I couldn’t be with anyone who was hung up on another woman, past or present. It takes time to process the end of a relationship, which if you happened to meet someone who’d just split up with someone he loved, would be hard enough.

But the fact that he fell for her WHILE HE WAS WITH YOU and now has to get over her while he’s trying to make it up to you, would make it impossible to get over if I was you. Him crying about her and being “heartbroken” is just disgusting. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this

If he’s crying over her (& telling me the truth) and still not getting in touch that’s a good sign he’s determined to get over her

I really don't think him crying over the loss of the OW can be reframed as a good sign.

But I would like to give it one last shot then I can walk away knowing I did everything I could
Its your time you are wasting.

@Wastedusername He is a MASSIVE liar. I’ve never known it before but now I’m piecing past things together. He lies about silly things & seems terrified on confrontation.

Anyway, I know everyone is saying leave (I’m not going to - yet at least). Marriages do survive infidelity & he has ended it with someone he might love to give us a chance.

He says he loves me and has told her through those goodbye messages he loves me. I think that’s giving me hope

OP, sign up to Illicit Encounters. It is absolutely full of men who are open that they love their wives and their wives are their best friends.
That in no way stops them from wanting a second relationship with someone else. You are putting far too much faith in this as a sign of monogamous commitment.

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

I can’t police how he feels. If he’s crying over her (& telling me the truth) and still not getting in touch that’s a good sign he’s determined to get over her

Oh god I couldn’t be with anyone who was hung up on another woman, past or present. It takes time to process the end of a relationship, which if you happened to meet someone who’d just split up with someone he loved, would be hard enough.

But the fact that he fell for her WHILE HE WAS WITH YOU and now has to get over her while he’s trying to make it up to you, would make it impossible to get over if I was you. Him crying about her and being “heartbroken” is just disgusting. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this

Thank you. This is awful. We’ve been seeing a marriage counsellor and talked about grieving the other person so I was prepared for this. And I would much rather he told me the truth than covered it with a lie.

It hurts like hell though.

Check out chumplady.com

I'm so sorry OP but I think he's staying for his child and out of guilt. He clearly doesn't feel the same for you and is in love with the OW. He WILL crack and go back to her so please prepare yourself for that xx

@MMmomDD

OP - if you want to have a go at staying and rebuilding your marriage, it’s a valid choice and only you can make it. MN normally is agains it but in real life a lot of people do stay and work on their marriages. E.Perel says that after affair, your old marriage is dead. But you can build a new 2.0 marriage.

However - it takes time and work, from both of you. It’s not enough that he blocks his affair partner, and give you his phone. This is just dealing with some practical issues.
What needs to happen is for the two of you to get to a level of honesty as to what happened and why - so that you two can figure out how to make sure this doesn’t happen again.
People cheat for different reasons. Get Perel’s book on ‘The state of the affair’. It talks about different reasons and different ways couples get through the affairs (or don’t). She is a counsellor with years of experience in the area and a fresh look at relationships.

Generally - I don’t think any marriage that survived an affair did it on their own, without some sort of couple and individual counselling. Not if you don’t want to have a marriage where things are swept under a carpet and ignored. That doesn’t lead to anywhere good.

Thanks for your comment. We are in marriage counselling. Only had a couple of sessions and they are hard going. Even if our marriage does collapse I want to understand how and why this happened for peace of mind and he is a good father so will be very active in our child’s life. Coparenting is my top priority together or apart.

2 years,he is definitely in love with her

He is now bidding his time

@Trixie78

I'm so sorry OP but I think he's staying for his child and out of guilt. He clearly doesn't feel the same for you and is in love with the OW. He WILL crack and go back to her so please prepare yourself for that xx

Thanks Trixie. I think this could be the case and vice versa. I would have left if we were child free. When did life get some complicated?!

Hang on you have a baby. And he has been with her for two years. So he was seeing her all through you TTC and the pregnancy?

OP - why do YOU want to stay with him?

[quote heartlex]@Wastedusername He is a MASSIVE liar. I’ve never known it before but now I’m piecing past things together. He lies about silly things & seems terrified on confrontation.

Anyway, I know everyone is saying leave (I’m not going to - yet at least). Marriages do survive infidelity & he has ended it with someone he might love to give us a chance.[/quote]
Yeah, and what state are those marriages in that survived infidelity? Loveless, empty and respectless. If that's what you want crack on and we'll see you back here in a few months when you realise he doesn't love you. Ending it with someone he loves to be with someone he doesn't love will only result in him resenting you and having even less respect for you. Good luck with that...

It's hard, you question everything about whether you ever knew him, why you were so dispensable, what made them start opening windows to let the AP in whilst closing doors on your relationship. It is a relentless journey where you feel completely broken and it changes the person you are at a very deep level. You never love them again in the same way and that's very sad because you grieve for what you thought you had.

It's not easy OP by any means but you have to be very sure that he wants it to work too because he loves you and wants to be with you, not because it's the easy choice.

Good luck x

@Wastedusername

Hang on you have a baby. And he has been with her for two years. So he was seeing her all through you TTC and the pregnancy?

OP - why do YOU want to stay with him?

Yes, they’ve been on and off for 2 years so throughout my pregnancy, before and after. Not always physical or sexual in that time, mostly emotional, if he’s to be believed.

Good question... primarily because he’s the father of my child. This horrendous betrayal to one side, he’s a good company & how we want to live our lives are aligned.

Just sending best wishes, what a horrible situation. Understandable you want to keep trying, I hope whatever happens you are treated better and have the happiness you deserve.

@Twinkie01

It's hard, you question everything about whether you ever knew him, why you were so dispensable, what made them start opening windows to let the AP in whilst closing doors on your relationship. It is a relentless journey where you feel completely broken and it changes the person you are at a very deep level. You never love them again in the same way and that's very sad because you grieve for what you thought you had.

It's not easy OP by any means but you have to be very sure that he wants it to work too because he loves you and wants to be with you, not because it's the easy choice.

Good luck x

Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You’ve summed up where I’m at. Grieving. It’s been nearly 6 months of this rollercoaster now. I just hope this is the end of the OW & that we’re both keen to focus on our family.