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Original poster

Post Affair

292 replies

heartlex · 02/05/2021 16:16

Hi, I caught my husband’s affair at New Years. He said it was over & was over her. We decided to stay together mostly for the sake of our baby & move forward.

Fast forward a few months and I had that sick feeling again. Sure enough he had messaged her and they had even met up. I totally broke down & lost it. He said he is dedicated to us staying together & messaged the other woman in front of me. Told her he loved me and our daughter & he wants to work on our marriage. She replied first demanding they talked and he said no. Eventually she wished him the best and asked him not to contact her again.

I know a lot of people will say leave but I want it to work out. Him messaging her that has made me feel a bit better but does anyone have any experience with affair relapsing after something like this?

OP posts:
isthismylifenow · 05/05/2021 14:06

Part of me wants him to fail. Is that weird?

No, it isn't weird at all.

I am sorry to say that I think deep down you know this phase isn't going to last, and if he gets caught again, you can walk away after as you tried again and again and again. To no avail.

I think him moping about all woe is me would drive me insane. He has fucked up and seemingly expects sympathy for poor old me.

Have you given any more thought to him moving out for a bit?

ElspethFlashman · 05/05/2021 14:26

I agree he should have his phone back. You can't keep it forever anyway.

He's either going to start it up again or not. But it's up to him, not you. He's an adult.

If he does start it up again, I doubt you will have to wait 6 months this time to become aware of it.

musingloud · 05/05/2021 15:14

Part of me wants him to fail. Is that weird?

No its not. Because if he does that you will you have final closure you are looking for and can move on with your life.

Until he fails you will have to spend your time ever being vigilant for it.

Original poster
heartlex · 05/05/2021 15:42

@WhenPushComesToShove

You already know this is too little, too late as a way of getting what he wants. What about what you want. He made his choices (8 years ago) and now it's your turn to say if this is ok or not. Is it ok or not?
I don’t know though. I’m still in love with the man he was before this. I wish I was steadfast in believing he’s rotten.
OP posts:
LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 05/05/2021 15:43

Part of me wants him to fail. Is that weird?

Good Lord, no. Because you can't prove a negative and the fact of cheating mean doing so again, like the data on recidivism rates, only describes those are caught.

He may never cheat again, and on your deathbed, you may strongly believe that. Or you may have doubts. But you will never know, as I will never know. I've reached a fairly good place with my bf, but the fact remains that discovering they had restarted would almost be a relief because it would make a mockery of everything he's said and done to convince me to give it another go, and we wouldn't even be able to have a cordial relationship. He knows that. Make damn sure your husband does, too.

Original poster
heartlex · 05/05/2021 15:57

@Grandbisou

Sadness - because he’s not with her?
That crosses my mind. He keeps apologising too.

I’m having an angry hour Angry

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 05/05/2021 15:59

@isthismylifenow

Part of me wants him to fail. Is that weird?

No, it isn't weird at all.

I am sorry to say that I think deep down you know this phase isn't going to last, and if he gets caught again, you can walk away after as you tried again and again and again. To no avail.

I think him moping about all woe is me would drive me insane. He has fucked up and seemingly expects sympathy for poor old me.

Have you given any more thought to him moving out for a bit?

Yes! His sad face makes me feel pity at times and pure rage at others. He does seem utterly broken but I can’t support him and myself right now.

I have considered him leaving but I think I prefer it this way. We’re a good parenting team and he is a natural with the baby. More so than me tbh! I’m just winging it and I don’t fancy doing it alone yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
heartlex · 05/05/2021 16:18

@LobotomisedIceSkatingFan

Part of me wants him to fail. Is that weird?

Good Lord, no. Because you can't prove a negative and the fact of cheating mean doing so again, like the data on recidivism rates, only describes those are caught.

He may never cheat again, and on your deathbed, you may strongly believe that. Or you may have doubts. But you will never know, as I will never know. I've reached a fairly good place with my bf, but the fact remains that discovering they had restarted would almost be a relief because it would make a mockery of everything he's said and done to convince me to give it another go, and we wouldn't even be able to have a cordial relationship. He knows that. Make damn sure your husband does, too.

Yes! I want him to cock up so I can say I knew he was babbling nonsense the entire time. Right now, I’m really not sure. I believe he believes everything he’s saying but I’m not sure that will last once this turbulent period is over.

I keep coming back to the fact the affair started when our marriage was good or at least I thought it was. I just want to understand why. Why start the affair but beg to stay? Just ruddy go,

Also, he didn’t even cover up the affair restarting well. I found out within days of them being back in touch but I knew on the day that they had first spoken. I don’t know why or how but something felt off like someone had been in your house.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 05/05/2021 17:55

Well the "why" is probably the sex stuff. Or at least the thrill of being with a potentially like minded individual.

Sometimes its really that simple. The little head ruling the big head.

80sPadme · 05/05/2021 19:20

I don’t know though. I’m still in love with the man he was before this. I wish I was steadfast in believing he’s rotten.

He still is the man he was before! That is just it, the man you 'thought' he was is a myth, a narrative that he has given you. The reality is, that man you thought you knew is infact someone else, someone untrustworthy, unreliable and very good a dishonesty both in acts and omissions.

Ohdobequiet · 06/05/2021 00:16

My heart goes out to you op. I’m so sorry .

freddyreds · 06/05/2021 00:51

This reply has been deleted

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Closetbeanmuncher · 06/05/2021 01:19

I caught him crying yesterday and he admitted he felt heartbroken about OW but knows it’s the right thing to do

😳

I'm not going to tell you to leave as you're resolute on dragging it out but the best advice I can give you is to prepare yourself mentally and work towards financial independance if you're not in that position already.

I can't see him not being in touch with her again from the above and also the fact that he had to be found out and cornered to end it with her.

Hope for the best if that's what you need to do but plan for the worst case scenario.

Good luck.

MarmiteChocolate · 06/05/2021 07:43

@heartlex

Yeah, he could get in touch with her if he really wanted but the messages he sent to end it were brutal and final plus he is mourning it. I’m sure they haven’t been in touch since the ending but it hasn’t been long of course. He’s finally ended it in a transparent way as numerous sites suggest so I’m hoping he’s finally woken and stepped up.
OP, he is mourning the fact that he got caught and that he feels obliged to stay with you so he doesn't have to admit to his family and the whole world that he got caught with his trousers down.

He isn't mourning the relationship with the OW because it isn't over, there are a zillion ways he can contact her (despite you confiscating his phone), and you have capably shown him that you are a doormat who will take him back time and time again. He loves her, not you.

Sorry to be brutal but you really need to get a grip here and show your daughter that women are not obliged to stick with cheating husbands or tolerate this shitty behaviour.

Original poster
heartlex · 06/05/2021 16:29

I don’t really need to do anything. This my marriage, my family... I’m not being reactive.

I also can’t demand honesty but when he’s honest about being upset over not seeing the OW kick him out for having emotions & finally being truthful. It hurts like hell but I’ll take brutal honesty over lies.

Today has been pretty good. We spent the day apart for starters Grin. I saw my friends and life felt normal for a bit. Phew.

I said he can have his phone back but it’s currently out of battery and sat upstairs. He’s told his family it’s broken and they can reach him via me. He is trying. I’m not saying it will work forever but for now, he is trying.

OP posts:
KatePrice · 06/05/2021 20:24

Hi heartlex, this article in the guardian might be of interest to you - watch the video too by Ester Perel. Personally I think it takes a lot of soul searching/seeing a councilor to get to the bottom of why it happened. Then you will know whether you want to give it another go or not.
www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/oct/28/esther-perel-the-relationship-guru-who-thinks-infidelity-isnt-all-bad

chickenninja · 15/08/2021 18:38

Hi @heartlex was wondering how are you doing now, a few months down the line?

Was just reading your thread and I think you was very good at handling peoples opinions and advice. It must of been a tough time.

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