I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

It will get easier.

Do you have any support around you? Have you told anyone?

Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor and possibly get some medication or other help to get through the grief and shock.

Treat yourself gently.

Sometimes it can help to get a bit angry? Grief is absolutely rubbish at any stage though and you have my complete sympathy.

Make sure you say good things to yourself and don’t internalise any of his shit.

And it does sound like he is a bit of a shit.

I do have support and I have told people, but I’m not sleeping or eating or drinking properly. I’m trying to get a mortgage to buy him out so it’s a big worry.

It will get better but it must be a huge shock and shift given the length of time you have been together. On the plus side you are still young and although it will not feel like it at the moment there will be a point when you will be stronger and happier

I’m so sorry OP.

I have been in your shoes. Eight years ago my now Ex husband announced that he’d changed his mind about having a family and walked out leaving me & our baby DC. Two weeks later I found out via a third party that he was having an affair & had actually left to be with OW. I filed for divorce.

Like you I struggled to eat or sleep and felt as though I was living in a fog for a good year. I experienced a raft of feelings from anxiety to anger but it did get easier, hour by hour, day by day. Unfortunately there is no magic switch to bypass this dreadful stage.

What I will say is that eight years on I have never been happier and it has given me a second chance at having a brilliant life that I never would have had with him.

It will be tough going but the dark days get less in time. You will get excellent support here from others who have been through it.

Hold on to the fact that it will get better.

You've had a terrible shock but it will get better in time. I agree with Peppaismyrolemodel that it can help to get a bit angry as you say yourself that he treated you badly, you deserve better. Keep using your support network, I didn't have any and I know it made things much more difficult. Just remember to be kind to yourself and that you now come first.

You were married for a very long time, so its natural you cant switch off your feelings, just roll with them, tell him he made his bed now lie in it,!! Think he learning that immortal phrase * the grass is not greener,!! Best wishes on your way forward x

Thank you everyone, it is the usual, story, he has left me for someone who is 15 years younger than him, and she has a 5 year old. Oh and she is senior to him in work!!!

I sit in disbelief as he was telling me he was looking forward to life with the kids being older and us going out more and having more freedom and the OW has a 5 year old, maybe she and her husband will share custody 50/50.

@lookingatwoodseeingtrees

I need some help. My husband basically changed personality the moment my first child was born, and became someone who rejected me in small, low-level ways, that over time has truly eroded any love I had for him. It’s been a very sad and difficult realisation that he doesn’t really love me.

I’ve been seriously ill for a year and he’s done nothing nice or kind for me. He’ll bring me food or tea etc if I ask for it. He’ll sometimes meet my needs but will often first make it clear that he doesn’t want to do xyz, then considers himself the good guy because he’s done what I asked, except of course he’s made me feel like shit first for asking.

For example, he doesn’t care about COVID enough and doesn’t always follow hygiene measures, this is v stressful for me as I’m very immuno-compromised. He will eventually do the right thing, but like I said he first lets me know he thinks I’m being unreasonable or difficult. It makes me feel like unloved.

I don’t fight/raise these issues because he’s also quite a neglectful parent and I’m busy fighting smaller battles like ensuring he cuts up grapes, which he can’t always be bothered to do. I feel like I’ve been too reasonable and let things slide rather than confronting them, and I know that’s my fault, but he’s made no effort at all in our relationship and I’m exhausted from it all.

I’ve realised I want a divorce but I’m scared of speaking to him. He knows things aren’t great between us but has buried his head in the sand about it. He’s admitted he knows I no longer find him attractive. But he’s such an egotist if I hold up any sort of mirror to his behaviour he’ll seethe. I just don’t know how to broach the fact that I want a divorce. It is beyond fixing.

I'm so sorry, I meant to start a new thread abs posted on here by accident. Please ignore.

From this moment, his life will be more difficult than yours in almost every way - practically, emotionally, financially, lifestyle, freedom wise, aging & retirement wise, pension wise etc etc.

Whereas for you, you are guilt free, independent and responsible for you and your older children, and only that.

Keep moving forwards, up and down like a rollercoaster, but always forwards.
(Your ex will be stuck at the bottom in the long queue with a 5 yr old - wave as you pass him)...

It does get easier. Seems so hard right now, I know, I've been where you are. That was 5 years ago and I'm happy as Larry now.

Meanwhile my ex-husband is married to the woman he cheated on me with ..... and is cheating on her!

Sending hugs xxx

@Californiansunsets, you've been with him since you were 14! What a complete shit - he's had his head turned.

You are only 50 and you can get over it. It will hurt like hell, but it won't hurt forever.

Your life is going to be wonderful and this absolutely gets easier. I couldn't sleep at all at first! I would highly recommend the sleep casts on the Headspace app for helping with that. If you can afford therapy I would also highly recommend this - it has turned my life around. You can get a few sessions on the NHS but difficult to really start addressing things in such a short time. You have just had a big shock. Be kind to yourself, do things that make you happy and focus on yourself. The future can wait until you have come to terms with things and are in a better place mentally. Honestly divorcing my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me and I couldn't be happier. You will get there too.

You must be in shock - it is early days so what you are you are feeling is understandable. Please be kind to yourself - it is a massive blow after so many years together and I would imagine frightening at the prospect of doing things on your own. The fact he has left for someone younger with a young child is very hurtful ...maybe some sort of mid life crisis ? You will go through so many emotions but you will get stronger day by day

You were with him for so long. Of course, you're reeling. Please be kind to yourself and cut yourself some slack. It will get better.
And the good news.....you're only 50! You're young and you've got a great life ahead of you.
Sending love.

Your getting to the stage that your kids are older and you will have more freedom. Meanwhile yes he is with a younger woman but he has to deal with her ex husband/partner and a 5 year old child. His life going forward is going to suit his lady friend, her 5 year old child and the child's father.
At this stage he has yet to realise that he has set life back years due to her.

He probably thinks he is great now but in 10 years time things could be very different. By then he is in his early 60s he is tired/stressed and has a few health issues. He like to go pt in work or take early retirement but finances won't allow this and her child has to be put through college. When he gets to retirement age she will still be in work and he be on his own most of the time.
What happens if he gets to a stage of needing care and she is still working? Well she going to have to figure out how to cope, sort out and pay for that because he is not your problem.

Meanwhile I know it horrible for now for you and your probably dealing with your children been upset. You mentioned that you are trying to buy him out. Is he putting pressure on you to sort out things, sell the house ect?
I would gather all your financial stuff bank statements, insurance, pension details ect and get legal advice. It may cost a bit but it could be the best money you ever spend. Also I make sure to chase after his pension as you need to consider your own long term future.

It will take time to sort things out. Lean on your friends and tell the exactly what happened. I am sure they are not to impressed with him. He fits the mould of their no fool like an old fool.
In a few years time you will have more freedom and time to do the things you want and meanwhile you ex husband is stuck with her and her child.
He might find things are not working out as well as expected or his freedom is very curtailed. You be the winner here yet.

I watched a friend of mine going through something similar to you and within a few years she watched his life become a total mess. Her life is going ok but I know will be getting better in the next few months.

Thank you everyone. I haven’t been very good these past few days. I miss him so much but I hate him at the same time.
He has said he has been unhappy for a very long time.
He is angry I have spoken to other people (family members and my friends). He likes people to think he is a man of integrity! I feel like contacting his work colleagues to make life difficult for them both (he hates people knowing his business) but that would just make me nasty and I’m better than them, I couldn’t ruin people’s lives like that.

I don’t know what’s happening in her marriage, he is at his mums and his mum says he hasn’t been out at night.

I feel so worthless. I don’t have much self esteem and this has made me worse.

I keep trying to think of the future, but it’s difficult. My friends are telling me when I’m in a better place to get out there and have fun. I don’t see me having the confidence to do that and even though he cheated on me, I just don’t want or see me with anyone else. I missed out on all that as we got together when we were so young.

I also keep thinking of the future I won’t have with him and he will have it with someone else whether it’s her or another women and it breaks my heart.

I just feel so sad and I can’t stop crying. The pain is so bad, I feel like ending it, but how could I do that to my kids.

@Californiansunsets, my heart hurt for you so much when reading this. It will get better, of course it will, but I should think that doesn't make the pain you are feeling at the moment go away.
I'm also a bit worried about your mental health. Can you talk to your GP. Do you have any close friends who could come and sit with you? Please don't despair, you are bound to feel hurt. Reach out, lovely. People will hear you. Sending love and virtual hugs x

If you can, do sleep. It's totally exhausting to be in this situation so if there's the option to stay in bed or on the sofa and rest, do. The feeling that you have to get up and sort things out can be really difficult and can make you feel guilty and torn by your need to rest, but rest is good. It is helpful for healing. Don't do anything you don't have to do.

I can’t just lie in the sofa or in bed I’m afraid I have to get the kids up for school (they are 14 and 16). I do have a 24 year old but he works and has his own life. It does sound so appealing to just stay in bed all day.

I’ve never felt grief like this before. I keep taking panic attacks. He seems to be coping with it all so easy. He was at the house yesterday and I was really upset and he just got up and walked away. He just doesn’t care. I don’t know who he is anymore.

@Californiansunsets, try not to think about how he's feeling. Just concentrate on yourself. I know it must hurt, especially to not even recognise this man you were with for so long.

You are in shock. Of course you are. 36 years is an incredibly long time.

You will gets lots of good advice. But right now, concentrate on today. Don't worry about the future. Concentrate on this evening and try to have something to eat. Even if it is just an apple or a slice of toast. And maybe drink a glass of water now and another before bed.

Focus on looking after yourself to help deal with the shock. There will be plenty of time for everything else. Baby steps.

I’m still struggling. I don’t want to get up in the morning. I have an appointment at the doctors tomorrow, I need something to calm me down, help me sleep. I’m not eating properly, I’ve lost 36lbs since the beginning of February. I just can’t see a life without him, I’ve never been alone.

@Californiansunsets, I'm so glad you're going to your doctors. I've been thinking about you. Tell the doctor everything. Keep posting here ; people want to help and are here for you. X