I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

sunrayscome I keep telling myself I am being dignified by not sending the messages but I’m so angry today.

My husband will also be 60 when she is 45. She only had one child, a 5 year old and she has just turned 5, infact her daughters birthday is the same date as my sons birthday.

A couple of days after I found out about them, he sent me a message asking if there was a way we could work it out!!!!! I mean WTF. I bet she doesn’t know that.

@Californiansunsets
I have been writing all of my feelings, raves and rants down in a note book also the quotes - I re read them and find this helps rather than sending the messages.
Oooh bet she does not know that - what did he mean by a way to work it out - did he mean for it to be amicable or to return to the marriage?
He has been unfaithful in the past so he will do it to her - probably after they have their first holiday with a demanding 5 year old - he won't like it and she may look at him in a very different way !
I had a message asking if we could still see each other as friends ??? It sounds childish but I am so hurt and feel so rejected I never want to see him again ( deep down I do of course ) but he has made his choice

Op, my ex cheated on me 10 years before his full-blown affair too. I didn't go through the rest of our marriage thinking he's going to do it again as there would have been no point in staying together, but when it did happen again, although 10 years later, it didn't shock me. That's quite sad when I think about it. I guess I always knew from that point 10 years ago that he was capable of it.

I know all the feelings you are going through right now, because I went through them too and unfortunately, nothing but time will help them fade, but they will, I promise.

I still feel sad about my marriage ending and my kids' family breaking up but I also see it as I had no other choice. If I'd have stayed I would be changed forever anyway but not in a positive way.

3.5 years down the line, I am sad, yes, but I am also very proud of how I've coped and who I am as a result. I'm not sure he could say the same.

sunrayscome I am positive he meant it as still being together. By that time I had already told his family and when my BIL messaged him to say he was sorry to hear about us, my husband messaged me asking why I had told people .

His sister has said she just doesn’t see us separating though, she sees us getting back together, I just don’t see that happening.

Would you take him back though?

Good, anger is your friend, it will energise you. Use it for that, for you, rather than letting him see it as it could potentially manifest as something you later regret.

The opinions and speculations of his family are largely irrelevant so don't hang on to what they say as you will be inclined to hear what you want to hear - ie hope. What do they know really, the only opinion that is of any consequence is your own. Take back the power he has taken from you.

Why didn't you say yes when he asked if you could work it out? It's because you know there's no coming back from this, right? If you tell him that clearly now then you have the power of the final say and save yourself the pain of hanging around playing the pick me dance for the next x years. It doesn't need to be dramatic or filled with anger. Just a simple 'Don't ever ask me again if we can get back together. This will never happen. By your actions you have chosen to destroy everything we had built together and I am completely done.' It will hurt like hell but your self esteem will thank you for it.

sunrayscome no I don’t think I would. I’m 99% I won’t but there is that 1% there. Is that mad?

criminallyinsane I know your right the last time I did the pick me dance and years after I hated myself and I mean I hated myself for it. I don’t want to put myself through that again.

Last night I had some thoughts about the future for me, and I would love to just spend time being me, finding out who I am as I’ve never had that before. I would love to spend time with my friends, being single, probably dating but nothing serious.

Today I plan on clearing out my wardrobe and filling his wardrobe with my clothes, might as well use the space lol x

I did that op - put all his stuff into black bags to give him and filled his wardrobe with my clothes, where they remain today. I wonder how I ever shared a bedroom now

I'm 4 months on from my partner of 12 years cheating and leaving me for her. I felt all the things you felt. I lost three stone, I couldn't sleep, I was signed off work. I hurt for months. The days were long and dark and I hated every minute. Now I've come out the other side. I'm happier, I enjoy being single and all the small perks of not having to cater to a man every day. You will get there too.

I've just found out they've made their relationship official and today I am fucking crushed. I don't even want him back but those feelings of rejection have all come flooding back. I'm a fucking catch and he picked her over me.

I'm here if you ever want to talk, I get it. I really get it.

Not mad at all - but remember you are incredibly vulnerable and hurt at the moment so don't go making any rash decisions.
See - more wardrobe space bonus! You are starting to see some positives and cracked a joke so that is a god sign. Take each day as it comes - rediscover you

@Rodeodown bless you its horrid - like having a relapse. I stupidly looked on face book and there was a video of them all loved up and it threw me back to all of those horrid emotions. It is the rejection and choosing another woman and her kids over me. It has affected my teenage daughter as well as the new woman has a daughter in the same year as mine - go on the same school bus - she is really struggling with the rejection also

Don't believe everything you see. I can never understand why people parade themselves on facebook being all nauseatingly lovely-dovey - if it's really that great why bother documenting it? Just enjoy it! Facebook is just a platform to show the world the version of themselves they want others to perceive. It doesn't even have to be real. Perhaps they are past that honeymoon phase and compensating for the fact that they are now discovering that the other has some really nasty smelly little habits... Involving feet, toenails, snot etc! And you know what they say about when a mistress becomes the wife that that then leaves a vacancy.

Oh if anything is ever posted in Facebook I don’t think I will be able to hold back. To be fair my husband doesn’t really use Facebook but she does. She has blocked me, but i do have some of my husbands works colleagues on Facebook and so does she so if she puts on she is in a relationship with my husband surely they will put 2 and 2 together and know something must have started when they were working away together. If any of them ask me I will tell them they started an affair before our marriages were finished and they got caught.

Fair enough OP.

Today isn’t going to be a good day, I can feel it. I’ve woken up really sad, thinking why her, what does she have that I don’t. I’m thinking she is better than me.

I’m trying to think of his bad points, then I think maybe it’s just me that brings out his bad bits, maybe he won’t be like that with her. He is getting more grumpier the older the gets, he can moan about things, if he goes in bad moods, he would completely stonewall me for days and I wouldn’t know what I’ve done. Will he be like that with her eventually or was it just me? I keep thinking maybe it’s something I’ve done, what did I do wrong? He can be an aggressive driver, swearing at people on the road, will he be like that with her in the car, when her child is in the car?

I didn’t send him any messages yesterday, I managed not to, but the feeling that I want to is still there.

@Californiansunsets, she isn't better than you. All what you are feeling is perfectly normal, and it will get better. My heart goes out to you. You have done nothing wrong, he has. Please just take it easy today .One hour at a time. Do you have friends who can sit with you ? I wish I could, I really do. Remember you have done nothing wrong and you are perfect the way you are. Don't speak negatively to yourself, you wouldn't speak to a friend like that would you? I know you wouldn't.

Oh OP. Been there.....
It really isn’t you. He has made some really poor choices, and because you are the honourable strong one, you get to pick up your own pieces and the pieces of others around you.

No, he isn’t doing it better with the new woman, it’s just she, poor soul, will put up with the crumbs he is offering because she doesn’t look at his flaws (yet).

Stay strong. Just know that it gets better. I’m 6 years in and at 6 month I’d have taken him back, with reservations, but I suspect I would have done so if he had been sorry enough. I fantasised about him coming home full of apologies......and gradually the fantasy changed and I humiliated him when he came back. And now, I wouldn’t have him back for all the tea in China. I was 55 when he left, i got a decent lawyer and the settlement I deserved. And life is good now, not the half life he is so important I need to fit in life I had, but the bloody good I can do what I like life I deserve. It’ll come to you too. By the way I had counselling to understand what was going on for me which was v useful. Just a thought.

On this day 36 years ago is when started going out with each other.

How could he do this to us, what happened to make us become so unimportant to him?

@Californiansunsets, I don't understand either how men like him do this but it seems to be a tale as old as time. Only he knows. You can't work out his mind, but you can work your own. This grief is perfectly normal. Ride through it, op, you will smash through this pain barrier and come out a winner.

I am sorry to hear how you were feeling yesterday. An awful lot of us on here can identify with that... you are most definitely not alone.

I find sometimes that the build up to a dreaded anniversary is worse than the day itself. Every year will take you further away in time from the trauma so it will get easier. Try to be very very kind to yourself and your children right now. How are they coping? You've mentioned your friends and his family, but do you have any of your own family around for support?

I'm a little gob-smacked that the OW has blocked you from her social media! Surely that should be the other way round? I can only assume she must find you threatening in some way. Would you think about mute-ing the Facebook feeds of anyone you and the OW have in common? Just keep reading the news of all the lovely life-enhancing people and don't be tempted to have a look at what is happening with your Ex and her. They are now in your past and it will just be torturing yourself unnecessarily.

And I understand why your mind is going down this route I really do, but don't waste your headspace wondering if she is better than you. (She is just another flawed human being so the answer of course is 'no' but as a question it is actually irrelevant.) She's attractive mostly because she is a symbol of freedom and he can reinvent himself as young and single without responsibilities again. In that way she could be anyone (and if he was a decent man she would be no-one. And he knows it, trying to keep you on the back burner so he can keep his options open.) An OW has the advantage of being able to modify herself to accommodate what he has complained he didn't like from his marriage. It's all best behaviour right now but give it time and it's easy to imagine a scenario where one day she'll say something perfectly reasonable, he'll interpret it as nagging, look at her differently and it'll be downhill from then on until he finds another woman who doesn't 'let him down'. Or perhaps it will be the other way round at which point he might rock up at yours looking pathetic. Meanwhile YOU will be soaring, and by then they will all be last week's chip paper to you.

It is easy to focus on those early days of first love with rose tinted specs and make those the times you miss as opposed to the reality of what the relationship has evolved into day-to-day. From the last 10 years up to now, what WON'T you miss about him? You have mentioned various non-supportive behaviours along with the stonewalling; your never learning what/if anything you did wrong aka moodiness and lack of communication; the driving designed to leave you in absolutely no doubt that he is Very Angry Indeed and knows but doesn't care if he is frightening you, and of course the affairs.

I understand that right now your head 'knowing' these things will make absolutely no difference to the important bit which is how you feel about him going forward. That process will begin the more you examine who he actually is now. Who you both are. Your current opinions of him are likely to be hangovers of emotions based on who both of you assumed you were when you got together 37 years ago. You'll have both changed but it's unlikely that you've detached at any point since and taken a cold hard look at who either of you are now. (It's too threatening, especially if your marriage is all you've known since you were 14.) You would also be liberated by an honest examination of how he actually makes you feel, as opposed to how you've always assumed he makes you feel because again, historically that's how it was. He might be able to reinvent the real him for her for now, but you've lived with the real him and grumpy older men aren't able to suppress themselves for long! Your head and your heart will catch up with each other and given how he's treated you, you are likely to realise that you're better off without him.

I would agree that some counselling could help you if you decided it was right for you. How is the wardrobe looking?

criminallyinsane the wardrobe is looking fabulous, thank you. Everyone is saying I will be so much better of without him, they say he and his OW are welcome to each other and they don’t have much of a relationship of which the very foundations are built on lies, deceit and mistrust.

I thought today I would be much worse than I am, but I’m okay, I’m sad but okay. Hope it lasts for a few days at least. Still can’t get rid of the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach and in my chest.

Another thing that’s bugging me is if people at their work have noticed anything, will they be laughing at me. What will he tell people about our relationship? I’m just one of those people who worry about what other people think. His own mum and sister have said not to worry about what other people think, he wasn’t married to me for 31 years if he was that unhappy.

I really can't see why anyone would be laughing at you? They're much more likely to be laughing at him for being such a cliche, if anyone is doing any laughing at all (which I doubt). Most people spend 90% of the time thinking about themselves anyway, and it might well not be as obvious as you imagine. Not to mention, they are the ones in the wrong, not you.

@californiansunsets unfortunately these anniversaries / reminders will keep coming you were together a very long time in fact you would be on parole now if you done him in and im sure in 36 years there were times you wish you had,!! but to the present take each day as it comes and do at least 1 thing nice to / for yourself each day x

I didn't want to read and run.

I was in your position 3 years ago after 25 years together. He also had a affair with a female colleague, she's 9 years younger, it's all such a cliche.

I have had all the thoughts and feelings you have and 3 years on still have some of them.

It's a horrible horrible time.

I'm not fully recovered yet but it's not the pain that it was, I can eat, sleep (like you I couldn't do either for months) and function normally. The good days are better than the bad and I can go days without even thinking about him.

But I still have major anger and resentment for the betrayal and pain that he put me through and the family that he destroyed. I also want it to all go wrong for them both as that's what they deserve.

I've didn't 1000s on counselling, talked and talked and cried and cried with my lovely friends and still have the odd wobble 3 years on.

You're doing great, all that you feel is normal. It will get better 💐

Thank you VivaVegas I hope it goes so wrong for them both and my husband sits one day and realises he lost everything and he is a lonely old man. However I then start to feel sorry for him and feel bad because I wish bad things on him. My friends tell me not to feel bad as he didn’t give one thought to me when he was with her.

I just feel so insignificant, and I’m worried for my future.