I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

Sorry OP. Do your children know? This is horrendous for you but it won’t last forever this feeling.

💐💐💐💐💐hugs grieve the end of the marriage be kind to yourself .

Legal advice - now!
Check out your joint finances and copy any certificates pension info etc
See GP re some support mindfulness self help or meds if needed
Start keeping a diary ( it will help honest )
Small steps
Decide what you want
Honestly you will move on a different life perhaps a smaller house fresh start easier to maintain and decorated to your taste
Socialising and holidays with friends
New hobbies
Time to exercise go to gym
Get a pet
Maybe a new partner maybe not
Either way you will be ok
You will rediscover the girl you were
The man you thought you had was a cheat who didn't respect you
Whilst he will be back to the young child stage
Declining health ED on the horizon
Not being able to retire
Having a younger partner out working while he might be at home
A partner who is really a generation removed from him realistically how does that work?
Different attitude to money etc
Honestly you are getting the better deal ...
You won't feel that way just now but you will soar
See friends
Come on here
Start to write a to do list
Get that diary in the go
Minimal contact with him
Keep your focus on your children
Better days are coming .

AustinAggro I hope your right. I hope I do soar, very high.

What I struggle with is the lies he has told me. He has been telling me he doesn’t want anyone else, he loves me, he’s in love with me, I’m his best friend. Then when I find out, he was so angry shouting at me, telling me she is is best friend. I thought I was loved but I wasn’t, and I struggle with that.

He told me I drive him up the wall, bring him down but he won’t tell me in what way. He said he wanted to kill himself because of me, but I don’t know why.

I’m just so baffled and so angry and I’m so so sad.

Oh Californian.
My heart aches for you! You could be me… similar scenario ! H of 24 years left to be with OW! I’d spent more than half my life with him and I was totally bereft! I too went through all the ‘he’ll never buy me flowers anymore’ we’ll never do x y and z ever again.
I hit my lowest point when I went to a book launch for an autobiography with my mum. The authors daughter was presenting it and at the end made a comment about her father always carrying his wife’s photo in his wallet which they found after he died! I collapsed outside into a weeping mess as my H had always carried my photo in his wallet and I imagined being replaced in his wallet by her!
No words can help you feel better atm, but know you’re not alone! It really does get better with time and hopefully for you like me your new life will eventually be even better! For me the turning point was a good friend being diagnosed with breast cancer! It made me realise life was too short to grieve for someone who could treat me with such disdain! Big hugs.

I’m not sure if I have reached rock bottom yet Bellelou, I have never felt pain like this before.

I want to send him a message and rage all my anger at him but what will that achieve? I’ve tried writing it all down, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. He is a complete coward as he won’t answer my questions and won’t sit in my company to let me rage at him.

I wish I could just shut off all my feelings like he has done. No one can believe what he has done, everyone is completely shocked.

Oh lovey I’m so very sorry for you xx

Your ‘D’H is currently going through “the script” and rewriting history. This is the script
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

There is a thread on here by NoMoreLegs which you might find helpful - she’s gone through a very similar thing, I think her thread will give you hope

And please keep posting whenever you need help x

I was in love with the same person from the time I was 13 until he left me when I was 23. Not the same I know in terms of length of time or having kids and stuff I know, but I identify with just thinking that there was no life without him. He had taught me everything, all of my experiences involved him. I just felt like my life was this hollow, empty thing. But you know what- it filled up again. Where there’s life, there’s hope. You need to get angry- the anger will carry you through the tough bit. Get angry and get what your owed, so no letting him cheat you out of money or the house etc. Good luck. I’m sorry that this has happened to you. And you’re still so young- you’ll have a second act, I guarantee, and with someone who will love you like you deserve.

Californian I don’t think I realised that was rock bottom until long afterwards.
Like you my XH wouldn’t give me the answers I craved. 7 years later I still don’t have them! But I have reconciled myself now to that being his problem not mine! It’s because he knew he was in the wrong and nothing he could ever say could justify what he’d done!
I will never forgive him but I have learnt to live with his decision and make a better life for myself! And he will always have lost far more than he gained!!
Just keep posting and getting support from here. At the time mumsnet was my lifeline.

I'm so sorry you're going through this!

He is definitely rewriting history, changing the narrative to make himself feel better!

And please seek legal advice before you remortgage to buy him out! This is a very long marriage and you may not need to!

What a twat he is!

Isolatedizzy we are splitting everything 50/50, our kids are older, so I owe him money. It’s not a huge mortgage I need (£70k).

Have to laugh he has always been the high earner and he feels cheated that it’s getting split 50/50, he feels he should get more because he has worked so hard. I can’t deny that he has worked hard, I’m the first one to admit it, but my goodness my jaw dropped when he said he felt cheated.

Hi OP, I could be wrong in saying this, as you have a 14yr old I believe he is legally suppose to keep a roof over your youngest child's head until they are 18.

Check this out with the citizens advice bureau before getting a mortgage to buy him out.

Pleased that the house comment at least lifted your mood. I can see from your messages how frustrated you are at feeling so terrible, but maybe just for now, acknowledge that nothing is going to make you feel better for a bit. It’s normal to feel as you do after something so shocking and hurtful and life changing. This is going to feel highly confusing and very shit for a while. Brace yourself and take it day by day. It will get easier later but don’t put pressure on yourself to feel any thing other than where you are now. There will be a life beyond this where you feel more confident and fill it with new things - I know that seems impossible right now.

All his comments are just bullshit to make him feel easier and more confident in what he has done which he knows is terrible. You 100% have every right to speak to your friends and family about this
If he doesn’t want them knowing he shouldn’t have done it.

You will be ok, honestly you will, it’s just going to be really shit for a while before you get there.

Don’t send any sad messages to him or allow him to know he has any headspace in your life. He doesn’t deserve it. If he comes round again be cordial and cold. You will be grateful later. Take a day off and stay in bed. Take care of yourself and ask the kids to help out round the house and get themselves to school.

Please get the help you need @Californiansunsets

Samaritans are helpful, so is relate if you can get to see someone. They help someone in your situation as well as couples. Please hang on in there.

My DS was in your shoes. She eventually died aged 59, weighing 5 stones. Don’t let that happen to you. 💐

Good luck at the doctor today

Are you splitting childcare 50/50 because if not the parent doing more will/should get assets to enable this. I hope you've considered pensions fully in this split. Don't whatever you do agree to anything financial before fully discussing with a solicitor.

OP I absolutely promise it gets easier! For a time it will be all you think about and during this time while you are riding a cycle of grief, hurt, anger you must be kind to yourself. Take things slowly and do things for you, surround yourself with your loved ones and avoid trying to process everything quickly.
If he treated you badly then you have good times to come, a feeling of relief, freedom and living your life for you!!

You deserve more than this and better things are to come for you xx

Please see a solicitor if you haven't already. Make sure you really do get your fair share for you and your children.

Don't agree anything financially until you have seen a solicitor

I really feel bad for you - and I know reading on Mumsnet that time is the biggest healer and you will feel better in time. My biggest concern for you is that it has been decided that everything should be split 50-50. You MUST take legal advice here. Do not let him railroad you into sorting this all out when it is all so fresh and new. Please don't let him rush you through financial decisions that might not be in your best interests. He is NOT the man you thought you knew. He is not your friend anymore.

Just to say I'm really sorry that you find yourself in this position. I was where you are 9 years ago - and I agree with you - other than death or serious injury of a child or is the worst pain ever.

I just want to reiterate what a poster below has said - please do consider his (and yours) pension funds in this split. It's likely that as he has been the higher earner that his pension funds are larger than yours, and so the property assets would not then be split 50:50.

Thanks everyone, I have already spoke to a solicitor and she has agreed what I’m wanting/getting is fair. As I said we have agreed 50/50. She has said I could fight it but it would be costly and there are no guarantees I would get more.

The kids can’t share bedrooms so I need the house the size we have just now, if I sell and the house is shared 50/50 and I have to wait for my part in his pension I won’t be able to buy another house the size I have just now.

I am fortunate I am working and will be okay financially but I worry becsuse I’m taking on a mortgage and if anything happens to my job I don’t have anyone to fall back on to pay for it. I’ve never really needed to budget before but will need to do that now, and it’s scary as he dealt with everything.

I should also say he isn’t rushing me to get a mortgage or anything he has said to take my time I just want it sorted.

I will get better, it really will.

My husband and I separated 3.5 years ago when I found out he was having an affair (yep...with a 13 years younger woman from work). We had been married 13 years but together pretty much since we were 16.

Those first few weeks were awful and a bit of a blur...trying to hold it together for the kids but feeling absolutely broken and in shock.
Things that helped me were friends - they were amazing and always listened and were just there (even though we all live around the country now), my parents for practical support, my boss being very understanding at me getting upset at work and counselling. Just talking to someone who didn't know me or my ex really helped me see things clearer.

I won't lie - sometimes it still feels like yesterday it all happened and you can't just turn love and years of memories off, but it does get easier. He cheated on the OW in the end and is now with the other OW. She seems ok but no doubt he'll do it to her at some point too.

I have been with someone else for going on 2 years. He is lovely but I have changed as a result of what happened and I will never give all of myself to someone again. We live separately and I can't see that changing while my kids are at home (13 and 15). I'll never marry again and if that isn't enough for him then he will have to let me go. I need to keep my independence now.

Don't run before you can walk - you need to give yourself time to work through your emotions. What helped me was focussing on things I could control in those first few weeks sorting money, seeing a solicitor, etc.

You can do this, you are stronger than you think you are x

This is going to be a tough time, but you have decades ahead of you and the freedom to do what you want. It will get easier.

I know it's hard for your rational brain to catch up with your emotions and feelings but it will catch up, and then you will know that you've dodged a bullet. A man who tells you he wasn't happy but also told you he was looking forward to more freedom (both of these!?) and now he is still dithering. I'd never trust him again.