I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

@Californiansunsets, how are you doing ?

I’m doing okay Amdone123. Just plodding along now really, nothing changed, still trying to get the finances sorted but I’m in a better place than I was.

Still have all the anger though, But for me personally, I feel that’s better than having all the sadness as the anger makes me more determined to make a good go of my life without him.

I received the official separation agreement from the solicitors. I thought I would have been sad when I got it but I was indifferent.

So I feel as if I have taken lots of steps backwards, and feel as if I’m back at square one emotionally.

Last week he told me he loved her but isn’t with her, he is, he has been seen, and I have no idea why he is still denying it. Apparently she is handing in her notice at work so maybe it’s to protect her from questions or gossip i have no idea. He says she is still with her husband, maybe she is but seeing him behind her husbands back who knows.

I had a feeling he loved her but at the same time it baffles me as to how he can fall in love with someone who he really doesn’t know, or maybe it just seems to me that he doesn’t really know her.

At the same time as him saying this, he said she has been telling him to get back with me and work it out???? I told him I would never get back with him. He also asked me to pass on photos to him of a significant holiday we had together for our 30th wedding anniversary. I asked which ones he wanted and he said them all.

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and I don’t know what will make me feel better, I think if he were to ask to come back or that he had made a massive mistake that would make me feel better but I wouldn’t take him back. I know it’s childish to feel that way but I can’t help it. I have booked a session with a counsellor next week so I’m hoping after a few sessions I will start to feel better.

I still think about him every day and I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.

How are you feeling today? I think it's good that you are seeing a counsellor, hopefully you will be able to talk things through and maybe get some suggestions of how to deal with the overwhelming feelings. Of course you will still think of him often, you were together for a long time. I hope that you have planned something to look forward to, that might help to take your mind off him

Hi @Californiansunsets, how are you doing?

I've not posted before but just wanted to send my support.

You have been through so much and are amazing.

I’m wondering how you’re getting on too. I’m 3 weeks out, post a dreadful year leading up to it. 9 years wasted. He’s just completely ghosted me. They are so wicked.

Hey I thought I was doing okay but some days I just don’t want to get out of bed. I’ve started counselling but I just can’t get by the anger and I have this terrible urge for revenge.

My mortgage is all sorted, he got his money and the same week he got his money she put her house on the market……coincidence?
No idea what his plans are.

He came to the house last week for the rest of his things which were in the garage. We started arguing. We were arguing as he was taking kayaks which he bought for him and our youngest son. He told me a few weeks ago he wanted to sell them, at the time I didn’t think anyone of it, but DS has said one of the kayaks is his so he should get the money from it. Of course he told his dad this and his dad said he owns nothing, and isn’t getting any money or the kayak.

Their relationship isn’t the best now so I said to DH he should really sit down and speak to DS so the relationship with him isn’t damaged even further, his reply was “what relationship?”.

DS is very angry and has said he doesn’t want a relationship with his dad, has deleted his number from his phone. I was sorting through pictures which were on the computer (its DH’s computer so I was copying pictures that were on there so I had copies), DS told me to take all pictures of him off his dads computer as he doesn’t want him to have of him.

I have no idea whether DS will want a relationship with his dad in the future or not. I don’t know if I this on there but a several weeks ago, DS and DH were arguing, DS pulled him up for the things he said to be, how he treated me, and DH replied “I don’t give a flying fuck what you think”

I just can’t believe all this is happening, and I find myself sitting an awful lot of the time thinking WTF.

I just wonder what is it about her that makes all this upset and very possibly damaged relationships with his kids worth it?

I just don’t know if it will work with her as she has a 5 year old. There isn’t one person who has said it will work, but you never know. Then I think to myself she must have the bar set very low if she wants to be with someone like him who has cheated on his wife (well I suppose in that instance they are both suited as she cheated on her husband) and doesn’t have a good relationship with his kids, but I’m sure he has told her a pack of lies.

I know deep down he is only with her because I was the one that ended it, as he did ask if there was any way we could work it out. I bet she doesn’t know that and I bet she doesn’t know when I had my suspicions and was questioning/arguing about her he was telling me “there was no one else but me, he didn’t want anyone else but me, he would do anything for me, me and the kids were the most important people in his life blah blah blah” and I’ve got ALL the proof of this. He has probably told her he was telling me he didn’t know if he was happy, didn’t sleep together, and she has been stupid enough to believe him.

My oldest DS has said he can see me getting better a little bit, but I do wish it was a year from now, as I’m worried about my future.

@Rossetti47

I’m wondering how you’re getting on too. I’m 3 weeks out, post a dreadful year leading up to it. 9 years wasted. He’s just completely ghosted me. They are so wicked.

It’s horrible, so sending you massive hugs. Don’t get me wrong, I sometimes feel empowered because I’ve ended it, but I still feel really sad he was my life, but I know if I stayed, and would have hated myself and I still love him and think about him every day, BUT I need to learn to love myself more and that’s going to be very hard to do, but I need to learn how to do it.

How are you coping anyway?

@Californiansunsets, I am so glad you posted as I can read your pain, anger and frustration and I'm glad you're letting ot out. I hope that doesn't sound patronising - I have no experience of this so sometimes I don't even feel qualified to comment. I just want you to keep posting and telling us your honest feelings. It will get better. You've done so well and I hate sounding glib ( if I do), but I really hope you start to come out the other end soon. @Rossetti47, sending my thoughts to you too. It sounds horrific. To ghost you is deplorable, what a pig.

@Californiansunsets it’s just so so ghastly. I keep saying out loud “is this actually happening?” I am currently sitting in my empty house, sold because we were buying a new one together. He went off saying he didn’t want to be with me, so I am today heading to stay with my neighbours whilst I wait for my new flat to come good. My dreams of moving away for now gone awry. I just don’t have the strength to start all over somewhere brand new. I need to find a job, all sorts. He’s with a new love, I think the one he had an affair with (30 years younger, a sex worker he fell in love with) but I’m not sure. He’s just… gone. The things I have found out since have blown my mind, coke addiction, alcohol dependency, yet the brain has to go through all the flipping gears to get to the other side. I’d quite like to skip straight to indifference, he deserves nothing more. Yet this morning I woke after a night dreaming of him, my pillow covered in tears. It’s all so desperately familiar and desperately unfair. I’m 52. The optimum age for this horror, it seems. @Amdone123 thanks for your kind words. I’d like to be 2 years from now. I hope it’s a kinder place for us all.

@Rossetti47, you have been through so much it's no wonder you're reeling. You're bound to feel traumatised after all that - who wouldn't? You're still young. Take it one step at a time. You can have a wonderful life, on your terms without that cock bringing you down.

@Amdone123 thanks so much for your kind words. It’s so so tough. Impossible to describe the shock and hell that one is thrown into

@Californiansunsets

You know already the only thing that will help is time, I won't insult you by offering ways to overcome this but you will become stronger, you will get to that place where there will be indifference.

It will be a long road, I know you don't wan't to hear that but I have been through the same and long marriages take time to heal from.

But slowly you will, I know it because I thought I would never overcome it, that ammount of pain and anguish cannot last forever, it burns itself out eventually and other feelings are allowed to enter your being.

As for your husband he sounds as though he is punishing you and your children, you wouldn't allow him his cake and eating it so that's that.

You have been very strong in making your decision not to forgive him and he hates you for that. Believe me tables will turn and at some point this man who refused to grow up will be forced to.

He has made himself look a fool to all and sundry and you don't want a fool do you? Why would you want to be lumbered with the idiot, because this is how you will view him soon enough. You will be embarrased to have him back.
The man has ruined his own reputation.

Boom!

Keep posting, people have not forgotten your hurt, I am also sending hugs to both you and @Rossetti47 you both sound at similar points in your pain journey, maybe PM to one another may help?

Both be kind to yourselves, dump anybody who wishes to speed your hurt along or brush it under the carpet. Fuck em, they have no idea, you are right to aknowledge your hurt and trauma.

xx

Remember the point of indifference you are wishing to get to doesn't come by forgetting about him.
The feelings you have now are for them to aknowledge your pain and hurt and their admittance in causing that pain.
You want an apology.

As time goes on you will find that this will become unnecessary, the apology and admittance will come from someone who you no longer respect and admire enough to listen to their point of view.

Any point of view they have will just be an annoyance, you really won't need anything from them, you will avoid them just so you don't have to feel the feelings of revulsion, pity and pathecticness about them.

I will put money on it.

@Onthedunes, so kind of you to post such reassuring sentiments to op and pp.
You're so right though. I know a few people who have experienced this and now don't give it a second thought. They're too busy enjoying themselves. Yes, the time frames are different but they all came out better in the end.

@Onthedunes such excellent advice, thank you. Confess I’m really looking forward to indifference! I am though sitting with pain and facing it. Feeling horribly rootless just now, adrift! I can understand why people go travelling when life collapses

Just read your up date - you were doing so well and now he has opened the wound by saying he still loves you and wants to make another go of things - of course your head will be all over the place.
I honestly think you are better on your own, with your kids and the security of your house. I am sure it is tempting to think if re uniting with him but that betrayal and trust has been broken and will always niggle away at you. Be strong as you have been so strong and dignified through out this

He hasn’t said that recently, he said it back in the beginning starsigns28 . He said to me in July that she was telling him to get back with me and try to work it out 🤔, but I told him I didn’t want to go back with him. I have no idea why he told me that, and I doubt she did tell him that.

When he got his money from me buying him out of the house, her house was put up for sale the same week…coincidence??

Someone from his work contacted me and asked if he split up because my husband was having an affair with ***, I told them yes, that was the reason why we split, and told them how I found out. I was then told that she is now their direct manager!! She has always been a manager but not their direct manager, so goodness knows what/if that will mean for them as they are still denying anything at work, although there is a lot of rumours. Anyway it’s nothing to do with me. I still get days when I get really upset, but I do have good days now, and I hope they continue.

I’ve just read this whole thread and wanted to say I was in this place exactly 4 years ago.
It does get better, I’m as happy as I can be I still miss my ex (together 25yrs, I’m 56) but I felt everything you did. I wanted to sleep forever I hurt so much. I couldn’t believe the cold indifferent stranger my ex became to me almost overnight.
But with work, friends and time I’ve slowly found missing pieces of me. Yes I’m 56 but I try to always look the best I can and never say no to a random invitation.
I’m not dating, I have but quite honestly my heart is never in it. I know I’ll never fully trust a man again and that’s sad but I’m working on that.
Stay strong one thing I’ve been told and I think it’s true most women in our situations go on and have better lives than their ex’s.
You’ve got this lovely

Techgirldating thank you, I’m please to here it’s went well for you, I hope I am as lucky 😊. I can’t see myself ever dating again (at this point) because I can never imagine myself ever feeling anything ever again for anyone like I did with him.

Oh and I should say I wish him a life of misery. I know that’s not very nice, but that’s how I feel.

I just wanted to say I'm with you on wishing them a life of misery! Don't feel bad.
I'm in same situation as you, and I'm just waiting and willing for their lives to implode....... I want him to hurt as much as I have hurt by what he's done to me. People say don't be bitter and you have to let it go, but it's so damn hard☹
Here with you💪

I have been following this as am 2 weeks in to finding out he was having an affair. I am numb and still in shock. I have had no contact with him since 3 days after I found out when he told me he didn't want to come back anyway. My heart has been broken. I never knew that I was this pathetic. 20+ years we have been together.

@Californiansunsets you will feel better I promise, just not the same. As for dating from what I’ve found the pool of decent available men is very small.
To everyone here new to this situation one piece of advice is the best revenge is no revenge, just go on and live your best life. It really is. These men that leave for other women very rarely end up happy long term where you all will be I’m sure of it.
I know how hard that is to believe but you will be.

@Perinono

I just wanted to say I'm with you on wishing them a life of misery! Don't feel bad. I'm in same situation as you, and I'm just waiting and willing for their lives to implode....... I want him to hurt as much as I have hurt by what he's done to me. People say don't be bitter and you have to let it go, but it's so damn hard☹ Here with you💪

Best of luck moving forward while obsessing over his life and "waiting for it to explode" if he could read this, he would feel (rightly so) that he won, wouldnt you agree? I doubt hes spending a second worrying about whats going on in YOUR life. You cant let a man who has left you to be happy with someone else, still have THIS much control over your life. Until you realize that, youre in my thoughts & prayers