I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

I don't doubt what you are saying @Sampafie but to anyone that has gone/is going through this it's just not as simple as yet.

I'm 3 years on since I found out about my exes affair with his howorker and still have so much hatred and anger towards him and just want his life to turn to sh1t!

I don't want to feel like this, but having moved on with my life in so many other ways I just cannot get over these feelings to get to the point that I know I need to be of not caring.

I have just started more counselling to try and do exactly that. And this is my 4th lot of counselling during the last 3 years so it's not as if I haven't tried.

To those of you going through this you have my utter sympathy as it's such a hard time.

@Sampafie, easier said than done........ when your ex is affecting your every day life and behaving so appallingly that even your children refuse to see him, it's pretty hard not to think badly about him.......

@VivaVegas thank you, you get it. I don't know how to get rid of the anger and am currently struggling to stop contacting my STBXH and giving him multiple pieces of my mind. It's like I'm compelled to do it. My therapist said previously I need to stop to protect myself, but I just can't☹

I think I need some more therapy, you've made me realise I need help to get through this. I hope your therapy begins to help you get over the anger🙏

Me too @Perinono it is honestly the hardest most awful period of my life, and I've had some tough times in the past.

I struggle with it as I honestly don't think I've ever really hated anyone before yet I have absolute venom inside me for the person that up until 3 years ago I loved so much, and had anyone said he could have treated me so badly, I would have laughed at them.

Absolutely sucks 🤯

Hi, advice please. I have split up with x partner after 15 years (not married) . We have one daughter 12 years old that he doesn't see. I have agreed to sell the jointly owned property now due to being constantly harassed by his solicitor, he is now trying to force me through his solicitors to sign a separation agreement, no mention of his daughter in it and basically me being told to keep any information that has come to light during our relationship quiet, he is a builder! I can't afford legal representation and he has stated I need to go to the csa for maintenance, he doesn't declare all his income so basically I would get very little child maintenance. His solicitor is now saying if I don't sign the agreement he will take me to court and I will have to pay all court fees as it contains time scales and how the house will be sold. Do I have to sign the agreement? I have agreed to sell the house do I now have to sign a separation agreement with no legal representation or risk being taken to court? Thank you in advance.

Hi @marg21. Can I suggest that you start your own thread? You'll probably get more responses than here. I would say absolutely do not sign anything without legal advice! Good luck x

I would definitely seek legal advice @Marg21. Make sure you get one that is qualified in family law and most will give you 20 - 30 mins advice for free. It’s how I started. This man sounds like a bully

I hope your okay Marg21 stay strong, get legal advice xx

Hi again everyone, so I thought I would post as I’m struggling just now. I am having good days but still a lot of bad days. When the bad days hit, they seem to be hitting her harder than before. I don’t know if it’s because it’s coming up to this time of year as we could start to plan what we would be doing for our anniversary(which would have been next month) and then Christmas..

I have to plan Christmas myself now. Kids (except the oldest) still don’t want to speak to him, but the only time he spends with the oldest is when he picks him up from work, so about 10 minutes a times a week. Doesn’t make any contact whatsoever with the younger 2 (16 & 14).

I just can’t see me getting by this, I loved him so much and I genuinely thought we were happy. I keep wondering how long was out marriage a lie? I can’t have been just her because I found out he downloaded Tinder onto his phone/tablet. He defo wanted his cake and eat it.

I just seem to be getting hit with everything from all sides this year. I’ve had this, my youngest was self harming, I’ve found a lump in my breast and DD has been arguing with a girl at school who we “think” has been kicking our door at night with her pals and running away. I had a leak in my bathroom which I need to get fixed but can’t afford it, and my kitchen ceiling is damaged, I’ve just had fo pay for a new boiler as the old one broke and couldn’t be fixed, there is something wrong with my car and my dogs pet insurance is due but she has a medical condition, the insurance is over £1500 for the year. I say she is my dog but she was actually bought for the children and the dote on her. I asked ex to help towards the pet insurance, he told me to put her down!

Ex has told our oldest son he is going self employed, has a contact job for 50 days working overseas, told son he will earn £20,000 from that job. DS asked if he would be giving me more maintenance money, ex told him “no as he has already give me enough” (he means the separation settlement). I know all he will do is get an accountant and hide everything, and here’s me struggling along, worrying about paying gas & electricity bills and I’ve had to resort to selling my jewellery and some other personal items so I could put that money towards my boiler, and he swans about like lord muck loving life apparently (as that’s what he is telling people).

Every day, I’m just putting one foot in front of the other and faking a smile. I just don’t know if I can do this.

@Californiansunsets, I've just read your post and I can honestly feel your pain, anger and frustration. My heart goes out to you. You really are going through the mill. It seems like everything is happening at once and that must be so hard. I don't have any words of advice regarding solicitors etc as I've never been through it but I just wanted to say that this time next year you could be through all this so try to keep looking forward. I know it's hard and I apologise if I sound glib but it won't last forever.
Please keep posting as others who have been through this and have come out the other side will help you.

Didn't want to read and run @Californiansunsets but I wanted to reassure you that all that you feel is normal but that you will get through this.
I have been exactly where you are and 3 years on I still have times when I feel like this, they just get fewer.

Have you had any counselling to help? If you can get done I highly recommend it. I've put myself back in counselling for the 3rd time as I currently need help on how I lose my anger and rage for him (and her!) and how I move forward with a life I didn't want. So as you can see it's a gradual process.

Whereabouts are you, are you in the UK? Just wondering if you're anywhere near me? I would happily meet up with you for you to rant/offload if that would help.

Books I would recommend that you read are The Runaway Husband by Vikki Stark, and Get Divorced Be Happy by Helen Thorn. I would offer to post them to you but I've lent them to a friend, there's a lot of it about sadly!

I'm the meantime Helen Thorn did a podcast with Made by Mammas last week where she talks about discovering her husbands infidelity and how her life has changed as a result. Worth a listen. If you're on Facebook join the Chump Lady Infidelity Support Group or go on the Chump Lady website, helps you realise what you are going through is normal, sadly very common and most importantly that you are not alone.
From a practical point of view do you need to stay in the house if it is too expensive? Can you do a budget/plan for your finances for the next 6 months to get you through this tricky time? Is he paying you any maintenance for the children? If not go to the CSA, it disgusts me when fathers don't pay for their children.

And post on here, offload, feel free to DM if it would help.

Be kind to yourself, one day at a time 💐

Just read your post again, if he is still employed and not paying maintenance go to the CSA now before he goes self employed. Maintenance is based on current earnings so would use his current paid employment.

I went to the CSA, for them to calculate and tell him what he should bd paying me as I was sure our informal arrangement meant he was giving me less than he should have been and he was.
He went mad, accused me of lying (not sure how when they had his P60 to calculate it) but has since paid the right amount. He's a copper though so can't really not as he knows I'd be reporting him to his job and telling all his family if he underpaid any longer.
Also I then felt more in control over that aspect and that he couldn't just do as he pleased.
Don't sit back and wait, try and take back these little bits of control where you can.

Hi VivaVegas I do need to stay in the house, I need the bedrooms and I don’t think I would get one the same size elsewhere for what I could afford.

He does pay maintenance money but it’s the bare minimum. He gets loads of overtime but he doesn’t give me any extra, and I believe they don’t take overtime into account, last year he earned double what he would normally earn because of his overtime, but the calculations he is going by is what his basic wage is.

Have you got the CSA to calculate his maintenance payments as they would use his P60 so overtime would be included in their calculations.

I went down the route where they calculated it and advised both of us what the payment is but don't collect the payment. I paid a one off fee of £20 to sort this out.

No VivaVegas, it was done online and his basic wage after his pension but before tax and national insurance was put in. All he will do is hammer his pension so I get less money

@Californiansunsets
I was where you are 2.5 years ago. I still hurt every single day.
The only decent thing my ex has done was disappear. I literally have no idea where he is.
He ran off to another woman in a poly relationship and said he never wanted to be a husband or father.
We had been together 27 years.
I have never seen so heart broken.
Everything came at once for me also, suicide attempts from my ASD son, leak which I couldn't afford to fix, close family passing.
It was hell on earth.
I still think about things daily but the pain is nowhere near as bad.
In fact it's in a separate box and I've come to terms with the fact it will always hurt.
Someone who was in my life from school could turn into a stranger over night. It frightens me even now thinking about it.
When I spoke to him over a year ago he was in a rented room and an alcoholic he was on a performance management plan at work. He's since lost his job.
His credit file used to be updated to our "house" email on a monthly basis and he's got 3 CCJs multiple black marks and no car.
I've got a brilliant job, I've passed lots of aesthetics qualifications that I had always wanted to do, dating the funniest kindest man in the world who I feel safe with, just bought my own new car and managed to keep my house.
We've even bought a new puppy which is brilliant to have that happy loving bundle of fur who we have to walk/look after every day.
My evenings are spent now usually doing some more studying (it's become addictive) walking my dog, working in my garden and I feel proud I've survived.
It's the worst pain in the world, I've done the antidepressants, sleeping tablets, drinking too much, not getting out of bed.
I've decided now though that I'm not waiting for the pain to go, it will be with me for ever but I'm glad I don't have that person in my life anymore. The pain feels separate to him if that makes sense. It's part of my journey. I still get horrendous triggers, in fact I have had an awful night with dreams/nightmares. But I can deal with them now, I've been up a few hours drinking coffee cuddling my dog and counting my blessings, i just tell myself it will pass I lived for a long time hoping he would wake up and want to come back. Now I don't care. I feel better than I've felt in years.
I promise you, agonisingly slowly but you will feel so much better.

@dancemusicsexromance thank you for sharing all this.

I get so many people that tell me that I should be 'over it' now and whilst I'm in such a better place than I was when this all started in 2018 I'm still not.

But then I think that was just the start of it, it's the process, he wouldn't even admit he was with the OW until 2019 and I nearly killed myself for a year trying to work out what was going on as I didn't believe his 'I'm just not happy' announcement that came out of the blue and then the divorce didn't go through until just over a year ago.

I think the more I read the more I understand that healing takes time and that you can start to feel better but still feel hurt at the same time.

I guess it becomes part of you that you live with whilst moving on with your new life.

I'm glad you have done so well and carved out a new life for yourself!

I've only just come across your thread but bloody hell, what an absolute arse he is!!! The way he has treated you is truly awful but I am 😲 at the way he is treating and speaking to your children!
Awful.

“Everyday, I’m just putting one foot in front of the other and faking a smile. I just don’t know if I can do this.”

Well, keep smiling the fake smile until it’s a real one.

You will do this. The divorce is done and he is continuing the manipulation by trying to screw you for every little penny. F.ck that!

You have a long life ahead of you, with wonderful children who love you. Be strong girl! Your children are watching you and they will learn to cope based on how you navigate this point in your life.

He’s a sh.t and I would guess things are not as rosy as had planned. That SoB thought he would walk out and you would finance his sh.tty new life.

But you got a lawyer and got your share. You go girl!

Now it’s time to Build, Back Better (sorry everyone is using this slogan these days so why not me).

Get your finances in order, get a budget, get on track. If you can’t get someone who will. Citizens Advice Bureau.

Look the part. Prep your clothes, do your make up and hair. Don’t let the bastard see you any less than your best (even if you are struggling inside). Trust he gets satisfaction when your down.

Keep talking. Mumsnet. Relate. GP. CbT.
Pastor.

Take care of yourself. Hot soaks. Walk in the park. Sleep. Socialise.

Visualise your future. Write it. Draw it. If you see it in a magazine, cut it out and stick it in your fridge.

You will do this. For yourself. Your children.

For us to because those following this thread can’t wait to read how the little d.ck came crying to you about the trials and tribs of his new fam and you sweetly told him to f—off.

Keep going. You’ve got this.

@GreenTeaRoses, I love your post. I bet you're a great friend.
Hey @Californiansunsets, how's it going?

Get the lump in your breast checked ASAP. That should take priority right now.

Thank you GreenTeaRoses I will keep going, I just feel as if everything is hitting me at the one time and I’m not getting a break, but, I need to be strong for my kids.

Amdone123 past couple of days I’ve been okay. Painting the kitchen and I’ve made not a bad job of it, I’m quite surprised how I’ve done lol.

Jenhen89 I’m just waiting on my appointment coming through from the hospital x