I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

I am told that you need to get to the point where you don't care what happens to them to move on.

Easier said than done but I can see why that's so important.

I'm a similar age to you, as I say not quite fully recovered but there have been some good times since GS went.

I bought him out of our house, I'm working my way through making it mine. It's looking good, I like it, I've made all the decisions.

I've made new friends, some friends have stuck around, some friendships have grown immensely, friendships are so important when you're going through a tough time. Time with the girls is good.

I'm fitter than ever, exercise became me therapy. Good for the mind and body. Try and find something that is your therapy.

Get a diary and plan things, things to look forward to, a coffee with a friend, a manicure, anything, small things to look forward to. Day be day, week by week.

The pandemic has held me back in moving forward with my life, as things are starting to open up, it's good to have things to look forward to again.

Think about you, not them, you are the most significant person in your life, always will be.

Hi @Californiansunsets.

Just came across your post. I’m so sorry this has happened. It really is a trauma with what you have been through.

Please use this thread on a daily basis to say how you are feeling. Have you been to counselling? It might help you process things to speak with someone removed from the situation. It is also still very new so be kind to yourself. Glad you got a bit of medication to help. Diazepam may have helped too. You would have only been given a small dose for a short period and may have allowed some respite from this crappy time.

Sending you some positive thoughts and a comforting hug.
This will get better.xx

Ps. A 5 year old will drive him mad!

@Californiansunsets
Sorry you had a difficult weekend - I spent a lot of time in bed - not sleeping or eating and the mental anguish is so exhausting. My daughter was at her dads this weekend so I was able to openly cry. I met a friend for a walk but was terrified I would bump into them.
Do you work in the week at all? It can be a good distraction

Please do not think anyone will be laughing at you - He has made a fool of himself leaving a long established marriage for someone 15 years his junior - he should be embarrassed - I feel nothing but pity for my ex having to explain to explain to me that he has run off with his 35 year old secretary

@sunrayscome.

100%!

sunrayscome I work from home so don’t have anyone I can socialise with or talk with during working hours.

ED81 I hope her 5 year old does drive him mad, my husband is 52 and everyone in the family has said it’s unbelievable as he can’t be bothered with children, he’s never been bothered with young children. I did say to him he would be tied because of her child and his reply was “thats not my problem that’s hers” I wonder if he is just telling me that or if he actually feels like that.

I remember on her Facebook she had it listed as she was interested in men.....she’s married. I told my husband this and he was surprised. He told me before I found out about them, she flirts with all the guys (she works in a male environments) and all the guys flirt with her. My husband told me she was telling other guys about her marriage problems. To me this just seems as if she was looking for an affair and my husband is the stupid one that fell for it. Maybe I’m wrong.
My husband works away and sometimes she goes away with him (other people are there too), my husband said one night they were all out and she got so drunk she couldn’t even stand (she is their boss) and my husband and another guy had to take her back to her apartment and put her to bed, and she couldn’t even remember getting home. I remember telling my husband that wasn’t very responsible of her, his reply she was with people she trusts, but she was the only female. I just think why? Why would he want someone like that?

I work from home too now - it is a blessing in one way as you don't have to put a front on for other people or the embarrassment of breaking down in tears but it is an added solation and lonely. I remember my ex telling me how his secretary's husband did not get on with the 15 year old (not his - they have an 8 year old) she resented their relationship ?! so all I can hope is she is making things difficult and unpleasant for him? Sounds like she is a massive flirt and looking for a scape goat out of her marriage - and to get that drunk is not attractive or professional - she sounds like a car crash

@Californiansunsets. I think this will end badly for him.

Sunrayscome ED81 Ah but she is his best friend, she is his "out"

I just think working close together, living together a demanding 5 year old, the age difference - it ain't going to last where as you now have peace and freedom to do what ever you want x

He sounds like a fool even his family think so, he has embarrassed himself.
You can hold your head up high, onwards and upwards for you

angelaEhan yes his family can’t believe what he has done or what he is thinking. I do think he is very depressed but he has dealt with it in the completely wrong way.

I really feel sorry for her child, as he just has no patience. He loves to go on holiday and I (and everyone else) just cannot imagine him doing a kids holiday or having anything to do with young children.

@sunrayscome, I agree with you. It’s think it’s going to be to much.

And once his work colleagues find out.....
I obviously don’t know them but not many are gonna be impressed, surely?

@Californiansunsets. I hope today has been ok for you. I know it’s miserable at the moment but it will ease over time. I’m glad you have family around you saying they can’t quite believe what has happened. It helps validate you and that is so important.xx

*I think

Chumplady.com is really helpful for anyone in your position - go and have a read. It will show you that a, this happens to lots of people and it's not you who should be feeling bad about it, as pp say. And b, it will show you how many people out there have got through their most miserable period and are now flourishing while their exes aren't anywhere near as happy as they expected! Good luck with it all. It doesn't sound like it will live up to his expectations.

@Californiansunsets
I met a friend at the weekend for a walk and she had her 6 year old with her - she was demanding, moaning, hungry and moody - my friend was pulling her hair out ! I came home and was grateful those days are over for me - he will get all of that and more !

Californiasunsets,
From what you have told us he is not going into an easy situation with her.
I say she could be hard work long term. You don't discuss your marriage problems with work colleagues. Her heavy drinking on works night out and where she is one of the bosses is not good either. When it becomes knowledge in work about her and your husband she might find it hard staying in her present job.
Your husband as a man with no patience will find dealing with her 5 year old child hard. Despite what your husband thinks this child will be very much part of their lives and he won't be able to leave it all to her.

It's just a matter of time before people in his work and your, his and her circles find out about them both and they will have to deal with the fallout. Her husband might not be to happy either so that another thing for them to deal with.
I seen a few cases of men going off to what they thought were greener pastures. Within a few years these men looked older, had more stress, a few had money problems and some had issues with his or her kid's or their parents and family members.
Meanwhile the people they left behind got over what happened and moved on with their lives and ended up in a better place.

I’m hoping I do end up in a better place llady I will certainly try very hard to make sure I do.

He came to see the kids last night, my son said it was very awkward and nearly the full time he was here was spent in silence. When he is here, he can hardly look at me and when he speaks to me, he speaks with such contempt. He was also here on Saturday for a very short period of time (15 mins) to collect mail and the way he spoke to me was with pure hatred. I just cannot believe how he has been, I mean who is this man I have been with?

She is meant to be going for a new job, whether she does go for it or not I’m not sure, it will make it easier for them to become a “couple” if one of them doesn’t work there, of course my husband will tell people they got together after we split up. I feel like telling them all (i have a couple of his work friends on Facebook) but then I think take a step back and rise above it, then the other side of me says tell them when all the financials are sorted.
I just think why should he just swan off into the sunset and leave all responsibility to me with regards to the kids, the house etc

I have to say, I did contact a mutual friend who was senior to my exh when I found out about his work-place affair and told him what had been happening. In hindsight, I shouldn't have bothered as I think they all knew anyway so I should have just left it. Also, his 'loyalty' wasn't to me, it was to my ex as they are friends. I just wanted to do something though as I had kept my dignity in all other ways - I didn't bad mouth him or her on social media I didn't contact the OW, I didn't cry in front of him or ask him to come back. I understand when people do do that of course, but I just couldn't.

Anyway, I think I've already said but 2 years after their affair started, it ended. I don't know why exactly and would love to know but I think he ended it with her because they were at completely different life stages (no shit at 13 years his junior) and he had met someone else...

I think the novelty wore off when their relationship became 'normal' but they carried on for a as long as they could because of the destruction they had caused in the process. They could pretend it was all worth it. Turns out it wasn't though and your ex's relationship won't be either but he will pretend it is for as long as he can now.

@Californiansunsets. Thinking about you.

It’s difficult when you might want to scream it out loud about what he has done. There is no shame in saying to people if they ask/mention it.

Have your kids met 'her' yet? And have you arranged regular contact with the kids so that he does not have to come into the house/your space - he should be sparing you the pain of having to see him and bear the brunt of his coldness and hostility - you do not deserve this when he is the guilty party - you are at such a vulnerable and delicate stage in this why is he being so mean. Your poor kids should not have to sit in silence with him, he should be putting more effort in to maintaining his relationship with his children and take them out somewhere or he is at great risk that won't respect him or want to see him. Has he explained to them why he has left?

@Californiansunsets from another one who’s been there, it will get better.

It’s the most awful feeling, and I thought my life was over, but actually it’s now much better than it was.

Once I was over the initial prostration I decided I’d say yes to any opportunity that came my way and did lots of stuff I’d never have done. Whole new life now.

I did find diazepam really helpful along with propanolol for those dire panicky moments.

@WouldBeGood I did lots of new things too in that first year...well, I still am really. I took our kids to festivals with friends, started on line dating and having fun with men who thought I was gorgeous and actually wanted to spend time with me, went away with friends without having to check with someone else or feel guilty about it, learned to play an instrument...all things I wouldn't have done in my previous life and all while he struggled with a girlfriend who no-one wanted anything to do with, who resented the time he spent with his kids, while not having the money to impress her as he was paying rent and part of a mortgage.

@Sunshineandflipflops it’s actually quite liberating, isn’t it? (After the shite, obviously)

Hi OP

I'm so sorry this has happened. I second the poster above who recommended chump lady.com

That site got me through every stage of my recovery from finding out about infidelity. Every time I thought I wanted her back, every time I felt like I would hurt forever, every time I was tempted to send messages or look on social media at what her and OW were up to.

My main message is to be kind to yourself. Dignity is always the best option (because emotions of any kind are a reward for a fuckwit like your ex) but if you do lose it and give him a short and expletive ridden rundown of your opinion that's totally understandable too. It's such a cliche but this WILL pass and you will more than likely come out the other side so glad your life is different now. It's just so hard in the early days to 'trust that they suck' (one of my favourite chump ladyisms) and recovery is often not a linear process. Focus on one day at a time and if feeling overwhelmed try not to think further than your next meal. At some point the future will go from being so scary to being something to be excited about.

Practically speaking I also found it impossible to eat- chewing was hard. I started drinking huel which is a meal replacement drink. Tastes a bit gross but is a great way of getting the requirement calories and vitamins into you without having to think about it too much. You need your strength.

Ultimately please just know you're not on your own. The number of people this has happened to will start to become apparent when you start talking to friends and family. It's endemic. But there are good people out there and it is possible build a brilliant life once recovered (and have a load of fun on the way to recovery.)

Sending so much love and solidarity.