I know it’s early days but tell me it gets easier.

[Californiansunsets]

DH and I split up this week. I found out he was cheating. He told me today he doesn’t know if he loves her, or if he will be with her further down the line.

I was with him for 36 years, married for 31. I am devastated even though he treated me badly, I just can’t turn my feelings off.

I keep thinking if them together, it was a week ago today I found out. I’m struggling today.

I keep thinking my life is going to be so shit without him, we will never go in holiday together, he won’t be holding my hand anymore, I won’t receive flowers from him anymore.

I’m 50 and I just don’t see a future without him.

I actually wish I could just sleep forever.

I’ve told the kids why we have separated. The kids haven’t met her as he is still saying there’s nothing going on ......yeah right! The kids have said they will not met her at all.

There is nothing official in place for him meeting the kids. I am reluctant to say to him to meet away from the home as he is still on the mortgage just now and I think he would throw it in my face that he can come and go as he pleases.

My ex is still on the mortgage 3.5 years later but I told him from the beginning that he had to find somewhere to live where he could have the kids. We were fortunate enough that he could afford to do that of course and I don't know what your financial position is but your husband created this mess and he should have thought about these things when he embarked on an affair.

Our children were 9 and 11 though and I'm guessing your are older so if they don't want to see him then he also has to deal with that.

just seems unfair that he can come and go whether he is on the mortgage or not your home should be your sanctuary and he is the one that has left the marital home. Surely if the kids do not want to meet her this will put pressure on their relationship and his time.

I did say to him he would be tied because of her child and his reply was “thats not my problem that’s hers” I wonder if he is just telling me that or if he actually feels like

I bet that is the first truthful statement he has made.

He is following the midlife script which basically paints him as the victim and you as the vilan. Get the finances sorted as that will be a relief to you.

For now he will be charming her and both of them presenting their best sides. Wait until they move in together and she is having to tolerate his moods - the shine will wear off, it always does.

My exh remained on the mortgage until our divorce and finances were sorted. He didn't pay a penny towards anything from the minute he moved out.

He moved out to rent elsewhere and claimed there was nothing going on. I regularly saw her arriving and leaving there as he rented on the road out if our town. He claimed I was seeing things and losing the plot, and just refused to admit it.

He also felt he could come and go as he pleased and refused to give me the key back. He had stopped paying the mortgage or contributing to household repairs or maintenance though so very one sided.

I said if he felt he should have a key to my home then he should give me one to his home to reciprocate the arrangement.

Funnily enough I got the jet back pretty quick after that.

One thing I learned through going through this is I was too nice, too soft and he just sh** all over me without a care in the world.

He's made his decision, he needs to find somewhere to live, meet your children and respect that this is now your home and he is not welcome there.

@Californiansunsets

I am so sorry this happened to you.
You just have to do one step at a time.
You do need to get legal advice.
In case he borrows money etc.

Also to set times for him to visit as him pooping in when he likes is not good for you all.

But it will get better but I feel you pain now!

I’ve been up crying nearly all night. I just can’t believe this has all happened.

The way he has treated me is appalling and he has said/done things in the past that have been bad too, but he did have many many good points and we did have a good time together and for some reason today I’m only thinking of them. I can’t seem to focus on the bad stuff, the way he has spoken to me, the things he has said.
I keep thinking maybe he won’t be like that with someone else. Will they only see his good side?

@Californiansunsets
I am sorry you have been up all night - I really feel for you and think about how you are - even though we don't know each other!
You are still grieving and natural to think about the good times you had rather than the bad bits - and I am sure you have so many lovely memories. Please do not beat yourself up about him being different with someone else -this is HIS personality and he will present with the same attitude to anyone else. You did not bring the worst out in him - give it time

@Californiansunsets this is a terrible time, but honestly, you will feel better. It’s a huge trauma. Be kind to yourself.

I’m still crying, have been crying on and off all day. Today for some reason, I’ve thought about him not being with her and being with someone else if their relationship doesn’t work out????? No idea where that thought came from?

He doesn’t have any friends, he hangs about with his brother, so I think he might get with one of my sister in laws friends. I’m not sure if that’s making me mad because I’m thinking that’s me lost a part of my family as they will drift away from me if that happens or if it’s something else??

He had to come to the house today to collect mail, and again he couldn’t really look at me, and wanted to get away as quickly as possible. Does he hate me that much that he can’t even look at me???

Every memory I have is of him. I can’t watch tv as if there is anything about love, I start crying, I can’t listen to the radio without crying.
His mum and sister said he was looking a lot better, eating better and talking and laughing. He just doesn’t seem bothered, like he doesn’t care, whereas I’m here sitting breaking my heart. What did I do do deserve this?

You did nothing @Californiansunsets.

It’s time to put boundaries in place. Tell him he can’t come to the house and needs to arrange a mail redirection. And to arrange somewhere to see the children. It will be much better if you don’t have to see him.

Order some nice new bedding. I did that after it was recommended on here, and it helped. I then made my bedroom all feminine loveliness wit cheap bits.

We’ve all been where you are. It’s awful, but it gets better, honestly.

💐💐

I just don’t remember a time without him. I had just turned 14 when we got together, he has not long turned 16. I really can’t see a future without him. Yesterday I was a bit more positive, but today is a terrible day. I hope tomorrow is better.

Just take it a day at a time @Californiansunsets.

You sound lovely. You’ll get through it, you have to for your kids.

Honestly, I know how you feel, it is just so so bad. Try writing it down as a release. Could you afford therapy? It’s really helped me.

And eat and drink... everything seems even worse if you’re empty snd exhausted.

I'm going through separation too but mine has been off and on for a few months now.. it's the loneliness, seasonal times, music, films that make you feel about that person. What I try and remember is that love is a drug and you just have to wean yourself from that drug. Exercise helps with making you feel good, go out with your children, go shopping or read books. Do everything you can to distract yourself from him. I'm finding it difficult as I find myself thinking and taking about him every minute of the day. I'm not interested in meeting any other guys either, I feel I need to love myself before I love anyone else again.

This breaks my heart reading your posts. This man is, as you rightly pointed out, nothing but a coward. He is using textbook classic tactics to downplay his behaviour by minimising his role in this and emphasising your alleged flaws. It's hogwash designed to make himself feel better about his despicable behaviour. You have done nothing wrong. This is all him. If he wanted to end your relationship then he should have discussed this with you. He's a gutless weasel and you must hold onto these thoughts when you feel pangs of nostalgia.

You will get through this. Some days will feel hideous and bleak and dark. Others will have moments of hope and clarity. These days will grow in number and intensity.

Eat, drink, seek love where you can and ask for support from everyone around you. People will surprise you with their kindness. You will soar. Sending hugs to you xx

You need to take back some control - as other posts have said - e mail or text him letting him know he now has to re direct his mail and arrange regular contact with his children away from the home - places are opening up now so he can take them for tea, cinema etc as they need to establish a healthy relationship with him and not sit in the home seeing you torn to pieces and so uncomfortable in his presence. He can not look at you as he is guilty and there is nothing to be achieved from him coming to the house
It sounds harsh but cutting him out of your life as much as possible will help the healing process. It is so easy to go down the road of not eating and neglecting yourself but this painful process will be so much easier if you look after yourself and have strength to rebuild your life and you have your children to ground you.
Put all of your energy in to your job, your children, yourself x

Thank you sunrayscome I have today contacted the solicitor to arrange for the separation agreement to be processed, I was waiting until I had a firm offer of a mortgage but my mortgage advisor has said it has been agreed in principle.

I feel okay today, well not brilliant but certainly better than yesterday. Got my hair done today too.

Glad you got your hair done! Remember you will have bad days and bearable days. I was not with my ex for as long as you or married - it must be such a wrench - we are the same age and have both had someone leave for a woman 15 years their junior. I am now going through the angry stage and if he came begging to get back with me I would say no. I have gone through the emotions of not being attractive enough, young enough, slim enough but reached a point of acceptance and really don't care about her

That's good, I always felt that it made me feel better when I had achieved something, no matter how small as that was putting myself back in control.

One day at a time I was told and be kind to yourself. Very good advice.

Getting your hair done will have helped too.

You're doing great 💐

It will get easier. And you ate much, much better off on your own than with a man who would treat you like that.

Take care of yourself.

@Cantreasonwithunreasonable

From this moment, his life will be more difficult than yours in almost every way - practically, emotionally, financially, lifestyle, freedom wise, aging & retirement wise, pension wise etc etc.

Whereas for you, you are guilt free, independent and responsible for you and your older children, and only that.

Keep moving forwards, up and down like a rollercoaster, but always forwards.
(Your ex will be stuck at the bottom in the long queue with a 5 yr old - wave as you pass him)...

And yes to all of this.

I suspect that you will move on and he'll be the one with regrets. Be positive and give it a little time.

he is not looking at you because he knows he is in the fault.
also, he may not be wanting to give any false hope to you with a behaviour or a word.
it will get easier. one day at a time.
his life wont be easy.

bluebell34567 the way he speaks to me is through gritted teeth, and with some of the things he has said it’s as if he actually hates me.

The OW is welcome to him, she will see that he was capable of cheating on his wife of 31 years, the way he spoke to me on the phone when I found pit about them (she was there) then that’s for her to deal with/accept.

It's weird, it's like everything you say happened to me, I guess this is where the cliche/script comes in.

My ex hates me, I've no idea why, yes I hate him but I have good reason to. You don't like someone who lied to you and cheated on you after over 25 years together.

And I too think, is she going to ever trust him knowing what he's capable of?? But then would he trust her as she too cheated.

Would I want to be with a liar and a cheat - no. But then I do question why do people do this, why do they create this mess and chaos.

I don't think I could live like that. They have to live with themselves knowing what they did, carrying that guilt with them, we don't.