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Original poster

message from new wife of ex-SO from years ago - what to do?

420 replies

CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:40

I've received a message from someone I don't know personally but I do know she's the new wife of an ex-SO of mine from almost 20 years ago! Not spoken to him for years as it all ended a bit badly and we had a fairly good relationship whilst we were together, didn't live together but we were both immature in our 20s and had a few squabbles.

We were together for 2 years then I met my DH (now divorced etc blah blah).

My ex-BF isn't on FB or other social media and a mutual friend of ours who sees them sometimes out and about mentioned ages ago that his wife was on FB and one night I FB stalked and found them. Just had a brief flick through open photo albums, saw it was of ex-BF but left it at that. I was pleased he'd settled down now and had kids and they both seem happily married so I thought good for them and also both our lives have moved on. I'm happily technically single now but dating someone nice for a couple of months which I think is going somewhere.

Anyway - I found out after we broke up that he cheated on me whilst we were together, I didn't think he had - but he told me after we broke up, just confessed and blurted it out and I was quite hurt about this. He would always ring me on my mobile to check I'd got home ok after a night out with my friends but I knew he was checking to see what I was up to. His DF apparently cheated on and physically abused his DM throughout their marriage and he told me this upset him and affected him as they divorced when he was 10 and he had to attend a family court.

So basically the message from the new DW (they've been married I think approx 8 years) is:-

"Hi - hope you don't mind me messaging you. Hope you are ok. I understand you and XXXX dated a few years ago. take care. XXX (her name)"

Anyway what would you do? Reply? Not reply? I don't wish to open up a can of worms or really get into a convo with her.

OP posts:
Choice4567 · 27/04/2021 12:42

So she didn’t ask a question or anything? How strange. I’d just ignore. How did she find you?

alanrickmanspetcat · 27/04/2021 12:42

Curiosity would have me replying Grin

If you're sensible though, you'll ignore

Horehound · 27/04/2021 12:43

Well she's not asked anything so there's nothing to reply to?

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:44

@Choice4567

So she didn’t ask a question or anything? How strange. I’d just ignore. How did she find you?
No question etc. very strange.

I'm assuming I came up as 'Friend Suggestions' on FB.

Ok - will ignore!

OP posts:
Tallybeebloom · 27/04/2021 12:44

I'm with @alanrickmanspetcat
Sensible people would ignore. I'd struggle not to reply out of sheer curiosity!

lunar1 · 27/04/2021 12:45

That's really odd!

TheQueef · 27/04/2021 12:45

Ignore it and block if she messages again.
No good will come of it.

BagORats · 27/04/2021 12:45

I had a girlfriend of an ex message me to ask about my relationship with him. She had caught him playing away, he swore to her he hadn't done it before and that wasn't why his previous relationships broke up. She was clearly messaging all his exs to check. I was honest with her what the reason was, would have answered any of her questions but didn't offer any judgment or anything.

Wanted to tell her to run for the hills. I didnt see any harm from seeing what she wanted

BlackCatShadow · 27/04/2021 12:45

What a weird message Hmm

I’d leave it and see if she sends anything else.

fedup078 · 27/04/2021 12:46

I wouldn't be able to not reply , curiosity would get the better of me

PicsInRed · 27/04/2021 12:46

I'd be suspicious it was him.

MarshmallowAra · 27/04/2021 12:46

I'd presume she might ask you a question if you indicate you are ok with her messaging you (?)

BigPlanes · 27/04/2021 12:47

Did you accidentally hit like on any of the pics do you think?

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:48

Oh drat... just seen another message which has come through to my Linked In messages - both our names are quite unusual (well the first names anyway).

In this one she does the same opening lines as in here but asks if we can have a chat about XXXX as she has some questions?

I'm tempted to block her on both these mediums. I can do without the drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:48

@BigPlanes

Did you accidentally hit like on any of the pics do you think?
No way....
OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 27/04/2021 12:49

How odd. I wouldn't reply just now but wait to see if she messages you again.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:50

@BagORats

I had a girlfriend of an ex message me to ask about my relationship with him. She had caught him playing away, he swore to her he hadn't done it before and that wasn't why his previous relationships broke up. She was clearly messaging all his exs to check. I was honest with her what the reason was, would have answered any of her questions but didn't offer any judgment or anything.

Wanted to tell her to run for the hills. I didnt see any harm from seeing what she wanted

This is what I'm concerned about.

He was a bit abusive though, he stalked my workplace after we broke up, drunk dialled my house phone and mobile etc...

he was quite controlling at the time but I was a bit naive re these types of relationships so just went along with the controlling, possessive side.

OP posts:
TheQueef · 27/04/2021 12:50

Was he violent or abusive?
Anything you need to earn her about?
If not I would steer well clear of the drama.

DeclineandFall · 27/04/2021 12:50

That's the weirdest message. It's a sort of 'I'm on to you' thing. You didn't like a picture by mistake when you were looking did you? I'd ignore.
If people keep their pictures public why would they be surprised when others look at them.

TokyoSushi · 27/04/2021 12:50

Ah, just seen your update, something is obviously going on, it might be best not to get involved.

TheQueef · 27/04/2021 12:50

*Warm
And xpost.

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:50

@MarshmallowAra

I'd presume she might ask you a question if you indicate you are ok with her messaging you (?)
she's done this via Linked in... god I feel sick...
OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 27/04/2021 12:51

I wouldn't reply because that's a pretty weird message and I wouldn't want to get into any exchange with her!

You've clearly come up as a friend suggestion - or maybe you accidentally liked a photo? - and seems as if her response to that is to immediately 'mark her territory'? I mean, that's the only real motivation I can think of for that message. I'd completely ignore and make sure never to look at their pages again!

Original poster
CleverCatty · 27/04/2021 12:51

@TheQueef

Was he violent or abusive? Anything you need to earn her about? If not I would steer well clear of the drama.
he was emotionally but not physically abusive.

Very very controlling and possessive/jealous.

OP posts:
Horehound · 27/04/2021 12:51

Actually in this case I would reply then. It's not dramatic to just state facts if she is interested to know how he acted

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